Monday, April 21, 2008

Earth Day Minus One: Here's To You, Sexy Lady

Tomorrow is Earth Day, and the Matt-Man is goin’ green.

And, I am going entirely green not only on Earth Day, but I will be environmentally correct clear through Friday.

And why shouldn’t I? I feel compelled to celebrate our Mother Earth.

I need to show my thanks to that sexy lady who holds us in her bosom of air, water, crust, and liquid hot magma.

She’s a woman, who at her central core, burns with the passion of Cleopatra, and on her surface, yields the beauty of Helen of Troy.

Our Mother Earth, a fickle female of fauna and flora who sometimes unleashes her pre-menstrual fury in the form of tornados, floods, and locusts.

I do love this sexy, oblique spheroid of a woman so.

So to celebrate her womanly wiles, I will be using little or no water, energy, or hygiene products.

I will save precious water, starting with my toilet.

If I have to take a leak, or pinch a loaf, I will use my toilet, but not flush.
My bodily discharges shall float and cavort in the bowl until Friday.

As for toilet paper? I will re-use the same 15 sheets over the coming days.

I will not waste water and energy by taking long, hot showers.


I will instead, refuse to bathe all week, and save those resources for future generations.

My meals will go uncooked. Instead, I will feed upon cans of cold, Chef Boyardee Ravioli and Beefaroni.

That should make my non-toilet flushing practice very colorful, and very life-threatening profound.

I am not going to waste butane or gas from the stove to light my cigarettes.

Instead, at 7 A.M. today, I will be lighting a cigarette and then chain smoking non-stop until Friday, using the last smoke to light the next.

I am going to enjoy doing my part to give thanks to our Mother Earth…

She’s a lady that has given us the breathtaking expanse of the Grand Canyon, the excitement and beauty of a smoldering volcano, and most impressively…

In astounding geologic prophecy, she meticulously carved the heads of four future Presidents atop an obscure mountain in South Dakota eons ago.

She is simply amazing, and I love her.

I wish you a Happy Earth Day, and if you’d like to stop by and enjoy the splendor and aroma of my sacrifice and celebration, feel free.

Have a lovely, and hopefully, very green Monday all.


Cheers!!

63 comments:

DutchBitch said...

Will your muscles blow up and tear your clothes off and will you growl?

Cuz that's what you look like to me... Hulky...

Dana said...

You know Matt, you live close enough to me that I might be able to enjoy the splendor of Earth Day from here!

Matt-Man said...

DB: My muscle is always blown-up. Cheers!!

Dana: If the winds are just right Dana, you will get the full "beauty" of my sacrifice. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

You'll NEVER make it past the second day! Your gonna flush that shit right down the hole.


It's OK, we'll all forgive you this one time if you do!

Don't forget to not brush your teeth too!

Matt-Man said...

Mick: I must refrain from flushing and will. And you are correct, there will be no teeth brushing...which may lead to the gnashing of teeth of others. Cheers Mick!!

Lu' said...

My first thought, Schmoop HEAD FOR THE HILLS!. Now, love the picture. Flaw in your plan, smoking chain style from now until Friday will create much pollution grasshopper. I suggest you chew them and add all that lovely spit to the "bowl". My but you have painted such a lovely visual for us to dwell upon, rrfft oops I puked a little. :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: I have that covered. I bought six dozen house plants Saturday. They will act as my natural smoke eaters. Always Thinkin'. Cheers!!

Leighann said...

Matty you're such a giver. Don't sprain anything ;)

Matt-Man said...

Leighann: I know. I think the only thing I may sprain are my olfactory senses. Cheers!!

Roger said...

Hey you could use a old southern method to wipe your backside, a red corncob and a white corncob to make sure ya got it all.

Matt-Man said...

Roger: Ahhhg. I think I'll pass Roger. Ha. But I appreciate the advice. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Matt-Man, ha ha ha how could I have doubted.

Cheesy said...

You will be an official Hippy this week! Don't shave and you can come live here in Oregon....

I am perplexed tho~~~
If mother nature was TRUELY divine YOUR face would be up there with the dead prez's....

What's that smell? I think the dogs got into the tamales maybe?
Oh WAIT.. It's the eastern winds.....

Matt-Man said...

Lu: I was going to write that in the post but I was starting to get windy. From writing, not the Beefaroni. Cheers!!

Cheesy: Ha. Cute. Ahhhh Oregon: "Come for the Gorp, Stay for the Birkenstocks." Cheers!!

Jeff B said...

I can hear Mother Earth now, "Does this global warming make my butt look big?"

Have a great week odoriferous one!

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: Ha. Bada Bing. Cheers Jeff!!

jennifer said...

Parts of this post were so eloquent and others were.... just WRONG.

Mother Nature's "Premenstral Fury?" I am 'a skeered of your muse - she must be one rough mystical creature.

Be blessed Matt-Man!

Jennifer

psst - you ain't foolin me - you really are a big softie!

Matt-Man said...

Jen: Ha. My posts are somewhat reminiscent of Sweet AND Sour Pork. The Good, the Bad, and yes, sometimes the Ugly.

Thanks, and yeah, you're right. Shhhh. Cheers!!

Jay said...

I admire your commitment to our Earth's survival Matt-Man. You've even inspired me to do the same. Well, not really. I just wanted to make you feel good for a second there. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: And I did feel good for a second. Sadly, that may be the high point of my day. Cheers!!

Bond said...

I am hereby canceling my scheduled visit to the Bagwine abode until next Saturday when everything is flushed away

VE said...

Well I sure hope you use two-ply...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I'll advise Schmoop to reschedule your toe nail painting, hair coloring, and collagen treatment from Thursday to Saturday. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

VE: No way. Sacrifices must be made, and two-ply would be gratuitous...I love that word. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

What Cheesy said. Also if you were here this last week end you could have had some snow with your gorp.

Following the old If It's Yellow Let It Mellow If It's Brown Flush It Down is a better option :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I have alot of hippie characteristics; long hair not being one of them. Cheers!!

leelee said...

See?? If everyone would just do their part..the whole situation would be moot.

HUGS!!

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: Damn right Leelee. You always wrap your hands around the crux of my messages. Cheers Cutie!!

Jamie said...

Does this mean that you will be doing the greenest change of all: Returning to your lenten state of meatlessness?

Knight said...

Don't forget you don't want to waste any water washing dishes so you will have to eat those canned meals with your hands.
Also, if you run out of toilet paper you could always start recycling those old Victoria's Secret catalogs you keep near the shitter.

Matt-Man said...

Jamie: I will not do that again until next year. Man, that IS sacrifice. Cheers!!

Knight: Ha. That VS thing was pretty good.

I will use my hands and shoot a sequel to the cinematic greatness that was "Quest for Fire". Cheers!!

metalmom said...

Nope-
Not visiting you this week.

leelee said...

I could come back with with some witty repartee ...but there is surely enough innuendo in your comments section.

HUGS!!

Matt-Man said...

Metalmom: That's okay. I'll be visting you courtesy of the wafting, westerly winds. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Leelee: Do it...Do it!!!!! Cheers Lee!!

Odat said...

Ut oh....wondering what Half Naked Thursday will look like!!!!!!!!!!! (or smell like, for that matter)..
Peace

Matt-Man said...

Odat: Yeah, me too. Good thing Blogger doesn't have Smell-O-Vision. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...back in the day, in the San Francisco Bay Area, during The Drought, the phrase was coined: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." and "Save water...shower with a friend"...but I think the idea of chain-smoking for a solid week is better!

Mr. Fabulous said...

"Cavorting Feces" would be an AWESOME name for a band.

I Smile 2 Much said...

So, Mr Chef Boyardee.... Gotta say, I luv this pic of you (*hee*hee) You look so odor*ific in pungent green! The color suits you well. ; ) Mother Earth thanks U, I'm sure, but she may be the only one. : ) (lol) Keep it up!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Chain Smoking is so underrated. God, I love the taste of tar and nicotine. Cheers!!

Fab: You know, you are right. Cheers and Rock On with the Feces!!

Smile: I try to keep it up as often as I can. Sometimes the Bagwine gets in the way. Cheers!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

By Wednesday most of your neighbors will have moved. By Friday the authorities will have evacuated everyone in a one mile radius. By Saturday your loved ones will be planning a funeral for you as you will have smoked yourself to death. Have a great time Matt-Man. Bwahahahahaha. Green is so your color. :)

Bittersweet Confusion said...

I assume Schmoop will be staying with friends for the duration of your "good will" for Mother Earth. If not... She deserves jewelry Lots of it!!!

Turnbaby said...

My god Bagwine will be worse than the black hole of Calcutta if you do this!

Matt-Man said...

Sandee: By Saturday, my loved ones will want to smoke my ashes. Cheers!!

Bitter: She deserves nothing more than a potted plant. Which she will unintentionally kill due to her black thumb. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

TB: Oh my goodness gracious, you spoke of holes. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

please...no photos!

katherine. said...

now this e-phn song is in my head:

It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.

It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.

But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.

When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.

Dirty Pirate Hooker said...

Do we get picture updates of you in all your funky glory??

jillie said...

Too much radiation? You're looking like I feel...green around the gills. That would have made a good St. Patrick's Day picture.

cheers to ya!

Hammer said...

I noticed my children have been practicing earth day on their toilet quite frequently. Now I know not to punish them :)

Tug said...

DAMN. I was getting all hot & excited there...until the toilet. Thanks for bringing me back down so I can get back to work. ;-(

The 'ole broad's putting a crazy horse in the mountains too.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Sorry about that. It popped into my head as well. Cheers!!

Pirate: Sure, if you'd like. My funk is your funk. Cheers!!

Jillie: Yes it would have, but instead of saving the Irish race, I'm saving the human race. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: I'm glad that indirectly, I could save a child's bottom. Cheers!!

Tug: Sorry about the premature Earthification. Cheers!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

You can come to my house and we'll shower together! I love Ma Nature, too!


:)

Just tryin' to help!

Winter said...

I think you should buy those wet wipes. Then you only need 1 each time AND you've help the air pollution situation.

Matt-Man said...

RLL: I'll be right over. I'll bring the soap. Cheers!!

Winter: Those have such un-bio degradable packaging. Cheers!!

Travis said...

Ew.

Matt-Man said...

Travis: That summed it up pretty well Travis. Cheers!!

Kimmie said...

Hey Matt...I will say one thing...You Look Mighty Fine In Green! ;-)
Smiles,
Kimmie

Matt-Man said...

Kimiie: Yeah, but it gives me frog legs. Cheers!!

Kimmie said...

Frog legs are very tasty. ;-)
Smiles,
Kimmie

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