Tomorrow is Earth Day, and the Matt-Man is goin’ green.And, I am going entirely green not only on Earth Day, but I will be environmentally correct clear through Friday.
And why shouldn’t I? I feel compelled to celebrate our Mother Earth.
I need to show my thanks to that sexy lady who holds us in her bosom of air, water, crust, and liquid hot magma.
She’s a woman, who at her central core, burns with the passion of Cleopatra, and on her surface, yields the beauty of Helen of Troy.
Our Mother Earth, a fickle female of fauna and flora who sometimes unleashes her pre-menstrual fury in the form of tornados, floods, and locusts.
I do love this sexy, oblique spheroid of a woman so.
So to celebrate her womanly wiles, I will be using little or no water, energy, or hygiene products.
I will save precious water, starting with my toilet.
If I have to take a leak, or pinch a loaf, I will use my toilet, but not flush. My bodily discharges shall float and cavort in the bowl until Friday.
As for toilet paper? I will re-use the same 15 sheets over the coming days.
I will not waste water and energy by taking long, hot showers.
I will instead, refuse to bathe all week, and save those resources for future generations.
My meals will go uncooked. Instead, I will feed upon cans of cold, Chef Boyardee Ravioli and Beefaroni.
That should make my non-toilet flushing practice very colorful, and very
I am not going to waste butane or gas from the stove to light my cigarettes.
Instead, at 7 A.M. today, I will be lighting a cigarette and then chain smoking non-stop until Friday, using the last smoke to light the next.
I am going to enjoy doing my part to give thanks to our Mother Earth…
She’s a lady that has given us the breathtaking expanse of the Grand Canyon, the excitement and beauty of a smoldering volcano, and most impre
ssively…In astounding geologic prophecy, she meticulously carved the heads of four future Presidents atop an obscure mountain in South Dakota eons ago.
She is simply amazing, and I love her.
I wish you a Happy Earth Day, and if you’d like to stop by and enjoy the splendor and aroma of my sacrifice and celebration, feel free.
Have a lovely, and hopefully, very green Monday all.
Cheers!!
62 comments:
Will your muscles blow up and tear your clothes off and will you growl?
Cuz that's what you look like to me... Hulky...
You know Matt, you live close enough to me that I might be able to enjoy the splendor of Earth Day from here!
DB: My muscle is always blown-up. Cheers!!
Dana: If the winds are just right Dana, you will get the full "beauty" of my sacrifice. Cheers!!
You'll NEVER make it past the second day! Your gonna flush that shit right down the hole.
It's OK, we'll all forgive you this one time if you do!
Don't forget to not brush your teeth too!
Mick: I must refrain from flushing and will. And you are correct, there will be no teeth brushing...which may lead to the gnashing of teeth of others. Cheers Mick!!
My first thought, Schmoop HEAD FOR THE HILLS!. Now, love the picture. Flaw in your plan, smoking chain style from now until Friday will create much pollution grasshopper. I suggest you chew them and add all that lovely spit to the "bowl". My but you have painted such a lovely visual for us to dwell upon, rrfft oops I puked a little. :)
Lu: I have that covered. I bought six dozen house plants Saturday. They will act as my natural smoke eaters. Always Thinkin'. Cheers!!
Matty you're such a giver. Don't sprain anything ;)
Leighann: I know. I think the only thing I may sprain are my olfactory senses. Cheers!!
Hey you could use a old southern method to wipe your backside, a red corncob and a white corncob to make sure ya got it all.
Roger: Ahhhg. I think I'll pass Roger. Ha. But I appreciate the advice. Cheers!!
Matt-Man, ha ha ha how could I have doubted.
You will be an official Hippy this week! Don't shave and you can come live here in Oregon....
I am perplexed tho~~~
If mother nature was TRUELY divine YOUR face would be up there with the dead prez's....
What's that smell? I think the dogs got into the tamales maybe?
Oh WAIT.. It's the eastern winds.....
Lu: I was going to write that in the post but I was starting to get windy. From writing, not the Beefaroni. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Ha. Cute. Ahhhh Oregon: "Come for the Gorp, Stay for the Birkenstocks." Cheers!!
I can hear Mother Earth now, "Does this global warming make my butt look big?"
Have a great week odoriferous one!
Jeff: Ha. Bada Bing. Cheers Jeff!!
Parts of this post were so eloquent and others were.... just WRONG.
Mother Nature's "Premenstral Fury?" I am 'a skeered of your muse - she must be one rough mystical creature.
Be blessed Matt-Man!
Jennifer
psst - you ain't foolin me - you really are a big softie!
Jen: Ha. My posts are somewhat reminiscent of Sweet AND Sour Pork. The Good, the Bad, and yes, sometimes the Ugly.
Thanks, and yeah, you're right. Shhhh. Cheers!!
I admire your commitment to our Earth's survival Matt-Man. You've even inspired me to do the same. Well, not really. I just wanted to make you feel good for a second there. ;-)
Jay: And I did feel good for a second. Sadly, that may be the high point of my day. Cheers!!
I am hereby canceling my scheduled visit to the Bagwine abode until next Saturday when everything is flushed away
Well I sure hope you use two-ply...
Bond: I'll advise Schmoop to reschedule your toe nail painting, hair coloring, and collagen treatment from Thursday to Saturday. Cheers!!
VE: No way. Sacrifices must be made, and two-ply would be gratuitous...I love that word. Cheers!!
What Cheesy said. Also if you were here this last week end you could have had some snow with your gorp.
Following the old If It's Yellow Let It Mellow If It's Brown Flush It Down is a better option :P
Starr: I have alot of hippie characteristics; long hair not being one of them. Cheers!!
See?? If everyone would just do their part..the whole situation would be moot.
HUGS!!
Leelee: Damn right Leelee. You always wrap your hands around the crux of my messages. Cheers Cutie!!
Does this mean that you will be doing the greenest change of all: Returning to your lenten state of meatlessness?
Don't forget you don't want to waste any water washing dishes so you will have to eat those canned meals with your hands.
Also, if you run out of toilet paper you could always start recycling those old Victoria's Secret catalogs you keep near the shitter.
Jamie: I will not do that again until next year. Man, that IS sacrifice. Cheers!!
Knight: Ha. That VS thing was pretty good.
I will use my hands and shoot a sequel to the cinematic greatness that was "Quest for Fire". Cheers!!
Nope-
Not visiting you this week.
I could come back with with some witty repartee ...but there is surely enough innuendo in your comments section.
HUGS!!
Metalmom: That's okay. I'll be visting you courtesy of the wafting, westerly winds. Cheers!!
Leelee: Do it...Do it!!!!! Cheers Lee!!
Ut oh....wondering what Half Naked Thursday will look like!!!!!!!!!!! (or smell like, for that matter)..
Peace
Odat: Yeah, me too. Good thing Blogger doesn't have Smell-O-Vision. Cheers!!
...back in the day, in the San Francisco Bay Area, during The Drought, the phrase was coined: "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." and "Save water...shower with a friend"...but I think the idea of chain-smoking for a solid week is better!
"Cavorting Feces" would be an AWESOME name for a band.
So, Mr Chef Boyardee.... Gotta say, I luv this pic of you (*hee*hee) You look so odor*ific in pungent green! The color suits you well. ; ) Mother Earth thanks U, I'm sure, but she may be the only one. : ) (lol) Keep it up!
Phfrankie: Chain Smoking is so underrated. God, I love the taste of tar and nicotine. Cheers!!
Fab: You know, you are right. Cheers and Rock On with the Feces!!
Smile: I try to keep it up as often as I can. Sometimes the Bagwine gets in the way. Cheers!!
By Wednesday most of your neighbors will have moved. By Friday the authorities will have evacuated everyone in a one mile radius. By Saturday your loved ones will be planning a funeral for you as you will have smoked yourself to death. Have a great time Matt-Man. Bwahahahahaha. Green is so your color. :)
I assume Schmoop will be staying with friends for the duration of your "good will" for Mother Earth. If not... She deserves jewelry Lots of it!!!
My god Bagwine will be worse than the black hole of Calcutta if you do this!
Sandee: By Saturday, my loved ones will want to smoke my ashes. Cheers!!
Bitter: She deserves nothing more than a potted plant. Which she will unintentionally kill due to her black thumb. Cheers!!
TB: Oh my goodness gracious, you spoke of holes. Cheers!!
please...no photos!
now this e-phn song is in my head:
It's not that easy being green;
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold...
or something much more colorful like that.
It's not easy being green.
It seems you blend in with so many other ord'nary things.
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water
or stars in the sky.
But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.
When green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine, it's beautiful!
And I think it's what I want to be.
Do we get picture updates of you in all your funky glory??
Too much radiation? You're looking like I feel...green around the gills. That would have made a good St. Patrick's Day picture.
cheers to ya!
I noticed my children have been practicing earth day on their toilet quite frequently. Now I know not to punish them :)
DAMN. I was getting all hot & excited there...until the toilet. Thanks for bringing me back down so I can get back to work. ;-(
The 'ole broad's putting a crazy horse in the mountains too.
Kat: Sorry about that. It popped into my head as well. Cheers!!
Pirate: Sure, if you'd like. My funk is your funk. Cheers!!
Jillie: Yes it would have, but instead of saving the Irish race, I'm saving the human race. Cheers!!
Hammer: I'm glad that indirectly, I could save a child's bottom. Cheers!!
Tug: Sorry about the premature Earthification. Cheers!!
You can come to my house and we'll shower together! I love Ma Nature, too!
:)
Just tryin' to help!
I think you should buy those wet wipes. Then you only need 1 each time AND you've help the air pollution situation.
RLL: I'll be right over. I'll bring the soap. Cheers!!
Winter: Those have such un-bio degradable packaging. Cheers!!
Ew.
Travis: That summed it up pretty well Travis. Cheers!!
Hey Matt...I will say one thing...You Look Mighty Fine In Green! ;-)
Smiles,
Kimmie
Kimiie: Yeah, but it gives me frog legs. Cheers!!
Frog legs are very tasty. ;-)
Smiles,
Kimmie
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