As promised, I am posting some Muslim humor today. However, the humor isn’t actually mine.Allah’s prophet, Mohammed, stopped by last night, in quite the fortuitous moment, and we chatted.
The Mohammed-Man is embarking upon a tour of the U.S. in order to instill good will among those
His choice of good will tactic?
Stand-Up Comedy…although he kneels on a prayer rug as he does it.
So Ladies and Gents, Bagwine Ruminations welcomes, the Prophet Mohammed!! Take it away my good man.
Thank you very much Matt-Man. Oh my goodness gracious, I am very wonderful to be here…
Folks, I just flew in from Baghdad, and boy is my carpet dirty. Baghdad isn’t too bad of a place. I’ve been worse places…
For Allah’s sake, I spent a week in Mecca one night. Bada bin-Bing!!
Knock-Knock…Who’s there?
Allah…Allah Who?
Allahst the combination to the lock on my weapons cache, and can’t blow anyone up!!
Ha. How many of you are from out of village? I am from out of village.
In fact, I was at airport a few minutes ago when a Muslim guy came up to me and said, “Hey Mohammed, that’s a sexy virgin ya got there.”
I said, “That’s no virgin; that’s my wife!!”
I find myself bathed in the goat’s milk of hilariousness, and if this takes off, I may try a movie career.
My new curvy, American friend Starrlight suggested a couple of good Muslim-Themed cinematic offerings:
I could star with that Jew boy Billy Crystal in a movie called, “Throw Mullah From the Train.”
Or, I could hook up with Stephen King in an Islamic horror movie titled, “Children of the Koran.”
I was thinking maybe I could do a film about the 1981 Israeli sneak attack on the Iraqi nuclear reactor and call it, “Torah, Torah, Torah.” Bada bin-Bing!!
Then, I thought that I could very much capitalize by doing an Islamic pornographic martial arts movie named, “Crouching Virgin, Hidden Falafel.”
Unfortunately, I really don’t have the face for the very large screen…
In fact, I was so ugly when born, that the Doctor slapped my mother…And then they stoned her to death!!
I was so ugly when young, that they had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
The dog finally played with me, ate the pork chop, and then they killed puppy for violating Islamic food Law. Bada bin-Bing!!
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Imam walk into a bar. The Priest orders whiskey; the Rabbi orders wine; and the Imam orders their beheading!!
I never understood the Ottoman Empire. No wonder it collapsed; it was based upon a foot stool. Ha!!
Before I go, I want to thank my brother Ahmed for helping to finance my good will tour. Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…
He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!
Thank you for your time…Tip your scantily clad infidel waitress, and Praise Jeebus!!!
Ha, just kidding.
Cheers!!
64 comments:
Woo! It's a comic reach around ;) Loved Torah Torah Torah btw. Falafels for all!
Can that guy work a room or what!
Bada bin-Bing! Too funny. Well, if you're gonna lampoon religion, you cannot leave out the Muslims. Nice work, Matt!
He'd kill in Vegas. I can get him the big room at Bally's.
The Henny Youngman of towel heads.
Starr: I was amused. Thanks for your help lovely one. Cheers!!
Jeff: He's the magic man of comedy. Cheers!!
Winter: Darn straight. All must get their turn to be laughed at. Cheers!!
Fab: Being Muslim, he strikes me as more of a Luxor man. Cheers!!
Lu: I was reading some old Henny jokes prior to writing this. Ha. Cheers!!
Are you sure that was goat's milk??
Hey Matt!
This was better...Winks! I have to say I was nervous to read this, but you passed with flying colors. LOL!!!
Oh, I wanted to say in your last post that I hope you aren't farting green dust by the end of the week!!!! Ack!!!! ;-)
Hugs Ya',
Kimmie
P.S. Lu...if you read this, I left you a comment back to your comment on Matt's Sunday Post!
***Groan****
(and take the puppy picture off there!!!)
Peace
Ummm...Matt...sweetie, honey....I agree with Odat on the puppy picture. It is very hard to look at. :-(
Hugs,
Kimmie
Dana: I can't believe that you would try and turn the Prophet Mohammed into some sort of pervert. Cheers!!
Kimmie: Allah thanks you. And no, the puppy stays. Cheers!!
Odat: But he's so darn cute. Cheers!!
I think you've finally fallen off your rocker!
Leighann: Whadda ya mean? Are you saying that I made this up? Cheers!!
That Matt....he's got a million of 'em
Leelee: It's gold, Leelee, GOLD!! Cheers!!
Imaam al-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: “The kind of joking which is forbidden is that which is excessive and persistent, for it leads to too much laughter and hardening of the heart, it distracts from remembrance of Allaah, and it often leads to hurt feelings, generates hatred and causes people to lose respect and dignity. But whoever is safe from such dangers, then that which the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) used to do is permissible for him.”
the rules
""Ahmed is very rich man. He is arms dealer…
He sells rocks and bottles to Palestinians…Boo Yah!!""
This made me literally LOL--
And now will you de-link me and make sure no one knows we know each other cause your ass is gonna be the victim of JIHAD!!
(just because I know damn well the iranian eye is still watchin' you)
Kat: Great link, thanks. And thank you for pointing out that I am no longer safe from danger. Cheers Kat!!
TB: Ha. I liked it. And don't worry, the Holy Baby Jeebus will protect us from the attempted Islamic smiting. Cheers!!
Kat: They haven't been in contact of late, dammit. Cheers!!
Torah, Torah, Torah~~ PRICELESS!
Ohhhhhhhhhh sexyyyyyyyy virgennnnnn! is that how it went?
Cheesy: Ha. I didn't know if everyone would be familiar with that. Cheers Cheesy One!!
Roger: Ha. I could hear the accent in your typing. Cheers!!
I wonder when he will get his own show on Comedy Central. Maybe right after Lewis Black and before the Daily Show. That way their line up will go: Jew, Muslim, Jew.
Yeah, that works.
Hope he makes it to Branson Mo someday soon too. He can open for Yakov!
That pork chop sounds good right about now....lol! Even though those have been around, somehow when they come from you, they bring a whole new meaning of laughter behind them.
cheers to ya Matt!
Jillie: Well Allah has been dead for some 1,500 years. He picked up the first joke book he saw, and jumped right in. Cheers!!
I was just saying to myself...boy, I need some Muslim comic relief...and the matt-man provides!
Knock, knock. Who's there? Mecca. Mecca who? Mecca sure that guy's turbin isn't loaded with C2 explosives...
You're in fine form, Matt-Man. May God have mercy on your soul. Praise Allah, and Shalom.
The scariest part is that I laughed the hardest at the dead puppy. What the F is wrong with me?
VE: Ha. Good One. Bada Boom!! Cheers VE!!
Songbird: Thanks. Shalom, Salaam, and Peace to you as well. Hope your trip was good. Cheers!!
Knight: Nothing is wrong with you. In fact, if you laughed at the dead puppy picture, that makes me incredibly hot for you. Cheers!!
I'm sure there will be a Jihad against you before the day is out. Bwahahahahahaha. You are a hoot Matt-Man. Have a great day. :)
Sandee: If a death threat comes my way, so be it. Any publicity is good publicity. Cheers Sandee!!
Cat Stevens is apt to be sore at you....but I'll have some falafel!
Phfrankie: Ha. I wondered why I felt like I was being followed by a Moon Shadow...Help yourself to the falafels. Cheers!!
Hi Matt-Man-
Thanks for stopping by my blog. (Obviously things are a little more downbeat than normal at the moment, but hopefully things will be back to normal soon.)
Thomas: As a cat lover myself, and proud "parent" of my beloved Corky, I feel your pain, brutha. Here's to you and your late friend. Cheers!!
I don't think I've ever HAD a hidden falafel.
dammit.
Laughing too hard. Must remember not to open door to men in turbans carrying rocks. I'll stand behind Matt Man to be safe.
Tug: Well, stop by. I have a falafel with your name alllll over it. Cheers!!
Jamie: Ha, thanks. Stand behind me and enjoy the protection of the salvation of the Matt-Siah. Cheers Jamie!!
Why is it, that as a Christian, I am more nervous about you making fun of Muslims? Grace maybe? I bet you poke sticks at Rattle Snakes too. I nominate Jeff to be your Secret Service Agent, cause Matt Honey, you may need it!
Jen
Oh, and isn't my thumbnail pic very Burka-like?
Jen: Ha. Yes it is, I never thought of your pic that way, but it is.
I think I'll be alright. I am like a Tamil Tiger if I have enough Wild Irish Rose in me. Cheers Jen!!
Laney Boggs: Sir, have you reached a decision?
Elderly: Yes I have. Supersize my balls.
heh. falafel
Tug: Speaking of balls..If I was Jewish, they would call me Matzo, Matzo, Man. Bada Bing!! Cheers Tug!!
You would look good in leather chaps.
wait....hold on, I have to scroll back...that is a puppy?
I thought that was you Matt-man after Ahmed supplied bottles and rocks to be thrown at you!
That porn movie does sound intriguing, wonder where the falafel would be hidden?
I haven't laughed that hard since the Jeff Bigalow story...
I haven't laughed that hard since the Jeff Bigalow story...
ohhhhh that joke really did a jihad on my bad day!
I just lost three minutes of my life that I can't get back.
;-)
Dude they are so gonna Fatwa your ass. I think the puppy is happy...don't disturb him.
You should go on the tonight show with that act!
Oh sorry I forgot...images mohammed are fobidden you might have to stone yourself ;)
Tug: Ya think? Put them on me baby. Giddy Up. Cheers!!
Bond: My "tail" is much longer. Cheers Vinny!!
Joe: You are a freakin' mess. Cheers!!
Tequila: Well as long as you are now with the Sunni program we are all happy. Cheers!!
Abs: Ha. That was kinda funny Abs. Cheers!!
Dawg: I say unto the...Bring it On. Cheers Truk!!
Hammer: I stone myself everyday with a fifth or two of Rose. Cheers!!
Bada bin-bing? LOL!
Travis: Ha. It's the simplest lines that are the funniest. Cheers Trav!!
Well, I see you did what you said you’d do and took on the Mohammadans (yeah, I know that term is no longer politically correct). I suppose I shall, too, so you’ll have company as you hide out from the fatwā death sentence.
NicK Welcome aboard the train of self-destruction Nick. I'll bring the booze, and we'll go down together...with a good buzz. Cheers!!
It had better be a damned good buzz, my dear Matt-Man! As I remember it, Sir Ahmed Salman Rushdie was in hiding for many years.
Funny! Funny! Funny! We loved it, but we're sure some Muslims will take it far too seriously. We hope you don't get death threats over this. Take care!
Nick: We will be just fine. Maker's Mark Nick? Cheers!!
G&S: Glad you liked it. I'll dodge the car bombs. Cheers!!
Maker’s Mark may help keep the bad guys away. Remember: they don’t indulge in booze.
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