Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Hump Day Deposition

I am working on a few different things for Thursday and Friday, but had nothing ready for today.

So I figured, what the hell…


I will go ahead and answer a few questions that I saw others answering on posts yesterday.

It’s from a Blog Theme called TMI Tuesday.


But seriously, can there be any day that one can get too much Matt-Man information?

Of course not, so here goes…

1. Did you have to pay or did you get money back?

I get money back. I filed yesterday and am getting a few hundred back. I also attached a note (not in my name, of course) to my form that read as follows:

Dear Sir/Madam and Soulless Revenue Agent,

I have prepared this return for Matt-Man. He likes you guys, but I think you are all a gaggle of sadistic, heartless bastards. Wanna audit me? I got your audit right here, you money grubbin’ shit bags.

Sincerely,


Leelee
Leelee's Thoughts and Meanderings

2. What was your biggest financial mistake?

My purchase of an engagement ring and wedding band in 1987. Initially, they cost approximately $1,500.00 for the both. Considering the recipient of said rings has the house now, those rings actually cost me about $125,000.

3. Are you a screamer?

I can be, if the sex is really good or if the jealous, steroid-fueled, weightlifter husband of the wife that I am tea bagging walks in on us.

4. What part of your body, other than your genitals, do you love to have touched?

I would have to say that since I enjoy picking my nose it would have to be my nostrils. I guess the feel of the gelatinous mucous and the cilia turns me on. It feels as though I am running my fingertips through a moist feather duster.

What part of a partner's body, other than their genitals, do you love to touch?

See Number 4.

5. What commercial catch phrase best describes your life?

There’s a new commercial for the weed killer Round-Up that utilizes the phrase, “Pump and Go.” That fits me well.

Bonus (as in optional): What was the last thing you took without permission?

The virginity of my first sweetheart, Molly Meyer. She was smokin’ hot, passed out, and 14. Oh, I’m kidding you morons…she was 16.

What was the last thing taken from you without your permission?


No one takes anything from me without my permission, because I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!

Have a Helluva Hump Day All. See ya tomorrow for Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Cheers!!

61 comments:

Dana said...

What??? Trying to sneak posts in during the middle of the night so that I can't be first anymore?? Matt, you *know* I don't like sloppy seconds ... well, unless it's been a while since I had sex ... or ...

Enough of that! Love your TMI Tuesday answers. Now get your finger out of my nose!

Simply Scarlet said...

Wow, if this is your Tuesday post, what are your weekend posts like? Hmmm.

Starrlight said...

Damn Matt, did you at least get a reach around on that ring?

Jay said...

They'll love that letter at the IRS. They're known for their sense of humor. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Dear, if I don't post on the nights after I work, my posts won't be up until late in the morning. I know how you like me to be "up" at the crack of dawn. Cheers!!

Scarlett: They are full of nudity, offensiveness, and debauchery. You Like? Thanks for stopping. Rowwr. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I got Ryno out of the deal. I guess that's not a bad deal. Cheers!!

Jay: They are a wacky, fun-loving bunch. I'm sure Lee will appreciate it too. Cheers!!

Hammer said...

Pump and go. Hmm...does it kill weeds too? ;)

Jeff B said...

I got audited about four years ago. The pencil pushers found out that they owed me about two grand. It was a beautiful day!

Jahooni said...

this came up on my Prime Time!
but WHAT THE F**K, you are now doing those me-me things?!

one pass. ;)~

Lu' said...

You took nothing from the house? I mean she didn't have to take out a loan to see that you got 1/2 of it's then current market value?

Happy Hump day. For me it's Trpashoot Day, be still my heart :)

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: It claims to. In my case I hope it kills STDs as well. Cheers!!

Jeff: Ah the tables were turned, leaving you in the black and the IRS with a red face. Cheers!!

Jahooni: I only do them when I am flat out empty in my mind. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Nope. Maybe I am sorry that I brought this up. Happy Trapshoot Day. Cheers!!

Kimmie said...

Great answers Matt! I thought them to be pretty gross, and funny! ;-) Have a Great day!
Kimmie

Sparky Duck said...

#2 is the mistake that keeps on giving isnt it?

Turnbaby said...

May I just say

LMAO

Damn matty it's a fine form ye be showin' these days ;-)

Micky-T said...

Many a man has made that same financial mistake.
Have a good hump!

Matt-Man said...

Kimmie: Thanks. Not bad for an off day. Cheers Kimmie!!

Sparky: Isn't it though. I am over it now...No...really. Cheers!!

TB: Ha. Well thanks. I am just lookin' forward to gettin' Half Nekkid with ya tomorrow. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Yes they have Mick, and thanks, I had a good one last night on Hump Day Eve. Cheers!!

Bond said...

two rings....$1,500.00

years of anguish...$125,000.00

One son....pricelss

Matt-Man said...

Bond: True enough, but a little cash is always nice as well. Cheers Vin!!

Odat said...

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you CAN'T pick your friend's nose!!!
Peace

Matt-Man said...

Odat: That is true in most cases, but my friends and I are very close. Cheers!!

Roger said...

Pump and Go hahaha thats the new line for today, thanks!!

Matt-Man said...

Roger: Don't thank me; thank those filthy minded herbicide ad execs. Cheers!!

Winter said...

Only $125K? If you lived in CA she woulda taken ya for a mill... So be glad you got taken in OH. And I think getting your mini-Matt out of the deal was real steal!

Matt-Man said...

Winter: I wonder how much I could get if I sold Mini-Matt. He is pretty damn cute. Cheers!!

ladyjaye82 said...

Pump and Go - my kind of man!

Matt-Man said...

Ladyjaye: Sometimes two people just need sex, and a hot, fulfilling business-like approach works well for both parties. Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

I learned so much more about you from reading this...er...wait, no I didn't...

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: How could you not? I am an open book...or perhaps, more like an open issue of National Lampoon. Cheers!!

Knight said...

Now I'm picturing you with a passed out sixteen year old, a penis pump, and your finger up her nose. Did I get the wrong message?

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. You just have given me an idea for a future Half-Nekkid Thursday picture. Thanks. Cheers!!

Cheesy said...

"No one takes anything from me without my permission, because I’m Matt-Man, Bitch!!"

I call bullshit..
2 words~~~~

Conan O'Brien

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: I was going to mention that. And by the way, I have emailed them twice and have gotten nothing back from them. Bastards. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

you are sleeping with Maria Schiver?

katherine. said...

you are sleeping with Maria Schiver?

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha. It took me a second to get that. I'm going to "Pump, you up!!" Cheers!!

Kat: Ha. It took me a second to get that. I'm going to "Pump, you up!!" Cheers!!

VE said...

"No one takes anything from me without my permission"

...well...except Conan apparently.

Funny stuff as always!

Matt-Man said...

VE: I know, I know...And the shit hasn't returned my messages. Thanks and Cheers funny man!!

metalmom said...

"Pump and Go"? I'll start calling you Sir Lastalot!

Matt-Man said...

Metal: Hahahaha. I have actually been called that before. How the hell did you know? Cheers!!

Claire said...

If you went anywhere near my nose at the moment, you would be very wet and sticky.

Yep my sinuses are irritated :)

Matt-Man said...

Claire: I feel your pain.

We have a huge tree outside of our window, and when it buds, our sinuses plugged up tighter than Rosie O'DOnnell's colon after a trip to the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet. Cheers!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

$125,000? That wouldn't get you much in California. Just saying. So, your woman actually lets you pick her nose. That's not the answer I thought you were going to give. Great job Matt-Man. You are one twisted puppy and I really like that about you. Have a great day. :)

Matt-Man said...

Sandee: Thanks and 125K will get you one really nice house in Ohio. You see, unlike in California, we have common sense. ; ) Cheers!!

Angell said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA....

*wipes tears*

Jamie said...

Well I'm not about to put it on my website, but ...

1. A few hundred
2. Signing a quite claim trusting a soon to be ex to give me my share of house sale.
3. Giggler
4. Back of neck
5. You've Come a Long Way Baby

Bonus #1 Steak. His dinner turned out better than mine.

Bonus #2 Nada. Either I give it to you willingly or kill you hanging on to it take your pick.

leelee said...

OMG,,thank god leelee is NOT my real name...oh wait....it is...well to my friends it is. I'm pretty sure I don't have any friends at the IRS...oh for sure I don't now..


shit

Matt-Man said...

Angell: If I ever get my stand-up act going again, I am taking you on tour to be my laugh track. Cheers!!

Jamie: A giggler, eh? I've encountered many of those. It has given me a complex. Cheers!!

Leelee: You my dear, are soooo screwed. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Don't know if you watch it or not, Boston Legal? Last night during a scene in a bar, the piano player was playing Tom Lehrer's Who's Next; cool.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Damn, I love that song. And so does my kid. He sings it well. Cheers!!

Mo said...

From now on, when ever I see RoundUp's Pump & Go commercial, I will think of you.

Dice Mardell said...

that's the best
"...nothing ready for today"
post it's ever been my pleasure to read

your comic wit never disappoints

cheers, mattt-man!

Matt-Man said...

Mo: Isn't it cool how I lodge myself into people's minds? Cheers!!

Dice: Hey Dude. Thanks alot. Cheers to you Dice-Man!!

Travis said...

Now that last question was a belt level fast ball right down the middle of the plate with no movement. What a set up for a catch phrase!

Matt-Man said...

Travis: And I just love those kind of pitches. Cheers Travis!!

jillie said...

Thanks for making my hump day complete. Matt, that'll teach you for buying rings...

Cheers!

Matt-Man said...

Jillie: Silly me. Cheers Jillie!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

My dear Matt-Man,

I have now learned more about you than I wanted to know.

Happy nose pickin’, Sir.

Ginormous Boobs said...

Ahhh..to be 16 and Molly.

Matt-Man said...

Nick: I like to lay t all out there. Cheers Nick!!

GB: Oh if only there had really been one. Cheers GB!!