I have come across so many I thought that it would be cool of me to see if I could hook some of you up with each other in a more personal way.
So at exactly 4:23 this morning, yet another Matt-Tastic idea popped into my noggin…
Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™
Yes I have created my very own dating site, and to get this party started I will be the first applicant.
Name: Matt-Man, Bitch!!
Sex: Male
Race: Human
Age: Two Score and Three
Height: 6’
Weight: 13.57 Stone
Residence: Bagwine, Ohio
Occupation: Time Bandit
Looking for: Female between the ages of 18-72. 13-72 if you live in Alabama.
What are you looking for in a companion?
Breathing is a plus. Hair and eyes are cool. Boobs and a vagina would be nice. Oh, and low self-esteem. For some reason, chicks with very low self-esteem seem to dig me.
What is your idea of the perfect date?
Strolling hand in hand through the park on a warm, sunny day with a nice girl. Perhaps get an ice cream cone at the craft show. Later, attending an inspiring, evening Church service of her choice.
And then, back to my place for some hot sex involving ice cubes and candle wax. Preferably Cowgirl style while listening to Leonard Nimoy sing The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.
What turns you on in the bedroom?
Massages, foreplay involving fresh fruit, a mini-bar, pagan sacrifice in the soft glow of a lava lamp, Leonard Nimoy.
What characteristics in a person turn you off?
Closed mindedness, hate, lack of understanding of others, and midgets…or Little people or dwarfs or whatever the hell you call those tiny folks, they creep me the fuck out.
Tell us about you. Any hobbies that you enjoy?
Playing and watching sports. Listening to music, cooking, and time travel. I really enjoy going back to 18th Century Paris and doing Pub Crawls with Ben Franklin.
Post Your Picture!! (Make sure it captures your personality and what you are all about!!)
Congratulations!! Your application is complete.
When we find your match(es) or a lonely convict who would like to be your pen pal, we will notify you.
Thank you for using Matt-Man’s Internets Bag-A-Date ™.
Cheers, and see you all tomorrow for Half Nekkid Thursday!!
86 comments:
Damn! And here I thought I was your perfect date ... that was until I read, "Strolling hand in hand through the park on a warm, sunny day with a nice girl. Perhaps get an ice cream cone at the craft show. Later, attending an inspiring, evening Church service of her choice."
That's an awful lot of stuff to do before the hot sex - why are you wasting my time??
Reading the personals on the Internet, Heather stumbles, hee hee, upon this add for Matt-Man. Ooh he'll probably do me if he drinks enough of the WIR. I have a foot fettish and he's a 12.
Awwww...soon as my hubby kicks the bucket I'll be looking you up.
Dana: We would need to asttend Church first so you be able to determine whose God is mightier. Cheers!!
Lu: Ah, but too much WIR, and sex is not only out of the question,, it's physically impossible. Cheers!!
Raven: I'll be counting the days Raven. Cheers!!
I'd try to be witty but I'm laughing too hard.
TB: Ha...You are really turned on as well aren't ya? No? Cheers!!
This is what I have to look forward too??????? Wow! ;-)
Peace
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm so hard to resist..
CRAFT SHOW AND ICE CREAM?? SIGN ME UP!
HUGS!!
Odat: Reality is brutal, isn't it? Just remember my motto: "Reality Goes Better With Bagwine!!" Cheers!!
Leelee: Gee that does sound...um...well...uh, fun? Ha. Cheers Leelee!!
I'm just keeping your fantasies of me alive..if you recall when you dreamt of us together..we were simply driving around town talking....
It's my "online" persona I guess.. (my hubby will be very pleased)
Leelee: That's true. I so messed that damn dream up. But it was still fun. Cheers!!
Dutch Bitch: Funny? I was being serious. ; ) Cheers DB!!
I happen to think your size twelve foot is something that could be plesantly reckoned with. ;-) As for the rest of your post...all I can say is awwwwww....I love romantic walks and ice cream!
Smiles,
Kimmie
You had me at Leonard Nimoy
Kimmie: Well grab a spoon, meet at the park. I'll bring the ice cream and syrup. Cheers!!
Leighann: My place...Stradate: 8 PM Friday. You, Me, and Spock. We'll have a hot, sweaty, out of this world three way. Matt-Man Out. Cheers!!
Don't hurt yourself man!
Roger: Don't Worry. If I injure myself, I'll call Dr. McCoy. Wait...He's Dead. Rats. Cheers!!
Its a date! ;-)
Smiles,
Kimmie
Look no further... [sorry schmoop]
You said candle wax.. that means YOU.
ARE.
MINE.
But Matt-Man, how will your keyboard measure up to the pipe organ??
Kimmie: See ya there. I'll wear my clown shoes. Cheers!!
Cheesy: Mmmmm. I'll stop the world and melt with you. Cheers Cheesy!!
Dana: Just like Jerry Lee Lewis, when I whip out the 88s, they call me The Killer. Cheers!!
You should probably just have sex while at church. It's not a good idea to let them know where you live. Especially the one's that have just gotten out of prison. ;-)
Jay: Point well taken. We'll go to a Catholic Church and do the nasty in the Confessional...Sex and Forgiveness in one shot. Cheers!!
I'm partial to William Shatner myself.
Songbird: While I think that Bill (Yeah I call him Bill) Shatner is the greatest actor of our time, he can't carry a tune like the Spockster can. Cheers!!
My application is in the mail!
:P
Julia: Thanks for stopping. We will do our very best on your behalf.
Considering what our very best is...May God have mercy on your soul. Cheers!!
E-Harmony is going down in a blaze now. I think you might be discreminating though, you did cut off the age at 72. I personally know some pretty hot 76 year olds.
Do you know what eighty year old pussy tastes like?
Depends!
Jeff: You are one sick bastard. God, I love it. Cheers!!
honestly choking on my coffee from Jeff's comment
Kat: He comes up with some gems once in awhile. Cheers!!
so how come no long walks on the beach???
do you think HNT is gonna help or hurt your cause?
I wouldn't have minded doin' some kinda crawl with ole Ben.....
I've heard Bennie's a little twisted...it all makes sense now.
Those little bastards creep me the fuck out, too.
Kat: Old Ben was a party animal.
Beach walking isn't big around here as our only beach is at the State Park reservoir. It's not attractive.
If the HNT pic comes out as I hope, it will be the sexiest one so far. Cheers!!
Bwahahahahahaha. This is a riot. Can you wait until the few that respond to this gets out of prison? Well, maybe one of those little people might be interested too. Bwahahahahahaha. Have a great day. :)
You are such a catch! Oh and courtesy of my Everquest years, I refer to them as "dorfs"
And with ya there,baby. I live right by the Little People Big World family. GAH!
Look for my application in your email tonight. Don't think the net nannies would care for some of my responces here at the office. Hubba Hubba!
Tug: BF was a Rock Star who took Air Baths. What's not to like?
Ha...Clowns creep me out too. Cheers!!
Sandee: Prison's okay. It's all good. Cheers Sandee!!
Starr: Ooooooo. My heart is palpitating with anticipatory glee of receiving your app. Cheers Starr!!
i sure hope vinny doesn't get to hurt by your affection for leonard nimoy...you two seem to have quite the bond.....
james t. kirk was the greatest starship captain of all...sorry katherine...picard has that gay british accent..
and your age range...remember the formula...1/2 your age plus 7....it was created by hi-tech engineers from the silicone valley...it keeps people out of jail and prevents "depends" breath..
come on jeff..have you tasted 80 year old pussy?...that comment almost made me gag...
Jeff is a sick bastard! but funny :)
Teamster: Kirk is a man's man and a woman's man. He's the James Bond of the Final Frontier. Cheers!!
Claire: True enough. Thanks for stopping by. Cheers!!
Looking forward to your assistance. God knows I suck on my own. And not in a good way. Which is not to say that *I* am not good....nevermind :P
Starr: And that is something that I would never think. ; ) Cheers Starr!!
But what if I prefer Doggy-style and want to have handcuffs involved?
Ladyjaye: Well if that's the case, screw waiting on a match, I just found one. Thanks for stopping and Cheers!!
Dadgummit, and I was just in Alabama last week. I could have smuggled you a 13 yr old back....
Doc: See how ya are? Had you done that at least you and I could have eaten meals together in prison. Cheers!!
Would you settle for reverse cowgirl?
matt-man - Leonard Nimoy features prominently in your sexual agendas...hmmm... But I love Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. I have it on my ipod. Good one...damn funny.
GB: Are you serious? It's not like I am in a poistion to make demands. Reverse Cowgirl, it is. Cheers GB!!
VE: Ha. I am still pissed that he has never won a Grammy. People have no taste. Cheers!!
you know, you would jump to the top of the list for many of the women on Match.com... give it a go dude...you will be like some sort of demented, perverted Romeo over there
I think Schmoop would have his sack as a purse if he did that :P
Bond: I take exception to your remark. I may be perverted, but sir, I am no Romeo. Cheers!!
Starr: No she wouldn't. She would simply tell me to take my "purse" and get the Hell out. Cheers!!
OOOHHH Matty. You gotta see this.
Creepy Gnome haunts village.
Starr: Creepy indeed. I wish the picture was a little clearer. It kinda looks like a short, chubby Klansman. Cheers!!
You forgot "willing to sleep with a married man."
Absurdist: Married? Damn, and Schmoop didn't even invite me to the wedding let alone the reception. I am so dissed. Cheers!!
Yeah it does have that Mini Me meets Grand Wizard vibe.
So I guess you don't know if you wore the traditional gown & veil or the Pam Anderson slutbridalwear, huh?
*sigh*
Pictures would have been nice.
Starr: Yeah the little Gnome guy would have a helluva time trying to erect a cross. Cheers!!
Tug: Pictures would have been very nice, especially of the Wedding Night sex, but I didn't get invited to that either.
Some wife she's turned out to be. Cheers!!
I was not terrorizing the dang town...I was bring treats to all the little girls and the big girls too
OMFG...Vinny are you on pain meds again?!
My you are a 190 pounds of gooey love mush aren't you. Glad I made it in under the age limit. Will consider your application for the stud stable.
Bond: Did I post something that I miseed? Cheers!!
Starr: You may be on to something. Cheers!!
Jmaie: Gooey Love Mush? Ha. I actually like that. I aprreciate your consideration. Cheers Jamie!!
Matt - If the walrus was Paul, the Gnome was Bond...get's it?
He is still on crack though.
Here I was going out to the market today to pick up the Wanted Ads and I stumble on to your blog. I shall not look any farther. My app is in the mail! Pick Me Pick me Pick Me... oh and I have braces, hoping that isn't a turn off for you.
Oh and I would rather save my energy for the hot sex and not go on the walk for ice-cream if that's okay. ;)~
Starr: Seems as though he is on more than crack...Vinny: The Italian Gnome. Cheers!!
Jahooni: Braces are hot in a school girl kinda way. We'll save our energy and take a golf cart through the park while we eat Egg Sandwiches in order to load up on much needed protein. Cheers!!
How about if we just use Honey and whip cream for our nourishment? ;)~
Jahooni: Honey? We'd be like busy litlle bees!! Cheers!!
I hate dwarves too. BTW... blogfuckers.com. I'm telling you Matt, we will make a fortune!
I have not the strength to read and laugh at your commennts today.
I'll be back!
Winter: Let's make our fortune while we can Winter. Cheers Darlin'!!
Micky: Suck it up and find your stamina, man. Cheers!!
OMG~ Jeff's comment made snot fly.. I feel so much better! I think I am in love.....
Cheesy: And here, all along, I thought you loved me. That's okay after tomorrow's HNT, everyone will love Schmoop anyway. Cheers!!
I have the Rankin & Bass animated version of The Hobbit. What an incredible cast of voice overs from Orson Bean to Richard Boone, to John Huston, Otto Preminger, and Hans Conried.
What's that you say? I've missed the point of the post?
Oh. Well that's a bit embarrassing then.
I'm confused, who wears the bag me or them?
I think I'm in lust with Ladyjaye82, I have handcuffs and doggy style is my favorite...I am a Trukindog after all.
i'm freakin cracking up over here now thanks 2 U. omyheck.
but really now.... do they REALLY creep u the f*ck out???!!! ; )
L O L
& this pic of U-
omigosh; stop now. you're killin me ; )
I would have been by earlier, but in honor of national autism day I've been sitting on the floor spinning plates all afternoon...
Seems like I have a contest coming my way.... hymnnnn....
(schmoop...please vote my way!)
Hey, thanks for stopping by the cupboard and for the birthday wishes...
if this works, I am so a client for life...or at least til I get married. Then I will be looking for your "swinger" site.
Travis: Ha. Very Funny Trav. Cheers!!
Trukin': Wow. I may have to match you up with her. Cheers!!
Smile: Glad you liked it. HHNT SMile. Cheers!!
Jahooni: Hmmmm. I shalll have her delve into this. Cheers Jahooooni!!
Birdman: It was my pleasure. And I'll let yo uknow about the Swinger's Site.
Dirk: Opps sorry there. Cheers!!
youd hook up with me right? i can ride like a champ!
Tequila: Ride my dogie baby. Cheers TM!!
Where do we send our results?
Post a Comment