Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Woman Who Controls Me

See that picture on the right? Do you know what it is?

If you answered, “a TV remote control”, you are only partially correct. It is much more than that.

It is my friend, my lover, and feels incredibly wonderful in my hand.


In fact, the only things that feel better in my hands are Schmoop’s left boob, and my wanker.

It is more than a remote control, it is a device that allows me to lay on the couch and enjoy politics, the arts, comedy, and infomercials.

I call her, hANNd-Margaret, and I love her.

My sleek, ergonomic mistress can take me to see places and people I would never get a chance to see without her comforting, programmable aid.

For instance, I can bring up the Travel Channel and see the deep beauty of the Grand Canyon, or go to the Food Network and see how wide Rachel Ray’s ass has gotten.

A virtual Dee-Lish doubleheader of geologic glory and annoying culinary arts. Yum-Oh!!

hANNd-Margaret’s wiles allow me to watch re-runs of The Brady Bunch.

I can click and view the loving gaze of Mrs. Brady towards Mr. Brady, and Mr. Brady’s loving gaze down upon Peter. Nice…Comforting.

Punch in “41”, and I can watch Suzanne Somers in her formative years on Three’s Company. And then, turn to channel 2 and see her Emmy caliber performance on QVC.

She was especially profound when she was selling her Thigh Master…I wish they would re-run those ads.

Speaking of infomercials, my life wouldn’t be complete without my hero, Ron Popeil.

Inventor of the Pocket Fisherman, Hair in a Can, and today’s, Showtime Rotisserie Oven.

As for my electronic lady, if I get tired watching the Ronco Rotisserie infomercial, I can hit the sleep timer, and…set it and forget it.

She is so good to me.

It doesn’t stop there. hANNd brings the world of entertainment news to me as well.

With a push of her button, I can get caught up on Lindsay Lohan’s latest binge, Mel Gibson’s newest Jew-Jam, and Paris Hilton’s mutated STD.

I love it!! I love my hANNd!!

I can hold her and flip over to a baseball game. Nothing like watching juiced up ball players scratching their balls…

Specifically, steroid filled balls that are the size of a gnats eye, and as hard as Tungsten.

She can transport me to the “news” and bring up images of Bill O’Reilly discussing the latest Obama gaffe as he segue ways to a salacious expose on teen prostitution.
That darn Bill, always looking out for us.

Yes folks, I love hANNd-Margaret. She turns me on, and I turn her on several times a day.

Why should women have all of the fun? They have their battery operated lovers; why shouldn’t I?

hAANd-Margaret and her powerful set of AA’s supercharge my life everyday.

See ya all tomorrow for Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Cheers!!

55 comments:

Jay said...

And don't forget that hAnnd-Margaret can help you find Hanna Montana, Zoey 101, Gossip Girl, The Gilmore Girls and The Hills whenever you're looking for quality entertainment!

Desert Songbird said...

It's such a phallic thing. Must be why I love my remote, too.

*grin*

Jeff B said...

Hey, finally a woman you can turn on more than once in a day!

Mr. Fabulous said...

Your wanker DOES feel awesome!

Lu' said...

She must have a Sister and she lives in my house. I swear your heartfelt outpouring for hAnnd-Margret could of just as easily, well maybe not as easily, come from the mouth of my hubby. The saying, when you pry it from my cold dead hands, I think the person that wrote it saw my hubby and his remote. When it's in my hand, it's so much a part of him sometimes I'm not sure if it is man or machine. Well, one is harder :)

Turnbaby said...

I'm thinking you used both hands after writing this one ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Funny you mention Hannah Montana...I had a few young chick perv lines I was gonna use, but I refrained. Dammit. Cheers!!

Songbird: Schmoop often refers to it as my dick extension. Cheers!!

Jeff: The best thing is that I don't have to chase her down. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Mr Fab: Oh, if you only knew... Cheers!!

Lu: I bet he really knows how to work her too. Good Man. Cheers Lu!!

TB: I only used one hand when thinking about Mr. Brady and Greg. Cheers!!

Dana said...

What?? No love for Billy Mays?? Geriatric infomercials or nothing??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ka-BOOM to you. I want to shave his face and smack him with a mop. Cheers!!

Sparky Duck said...

Our Hand Margaret is bisexual when it comes to HGTV

Matt-Man said...

Sparky: Ha. Good One. Cheers Sparky!!

Odat said...

I bet she has nice "BUTTons!
Peace

Matt-Man said...

Odat: Ha. Retirement suits you well Odat. I wish all women came with something that she has as well, a Mute Button. Cheers!!

Roger said...

Hell you haven't even broke her in yet, I can still see buttons clearly. Mine you cant even read and the 2 button don't work at all, at least I think it is the 2 button.

Matt-Man said...

Roger: She just moved in in November. She is only a few months removed from her virginity. Cheers!!

metalmom said...

Hubs has 'tweaked' the numbers off his girl! Thanks! You have solved the question women have been asking for years...What's with men and the remote?

Matt-Man said...

Metalmom: Using the remote is better than sex...Okay not better, but much more frequent. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

hATTs off to you!

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I thank you, my good man. Cheers!!

Leighann said...

ONE battery operated lover gets you through the day? My husband revolves around FIVE! He's such a whore!

Winter said...

I sleep with mine. She is the best bed partner I ever had. It's just her and me and Marcus. Mmmmn. The best threesome ever!

Matt-Man said...

Leighann: I hope he practices safe channel surfing. Cheers!!

Winter: You are such a whore!! Can I watch sometime? Cheers!!

VE said...

The perfect woman; she comes with a menu and you can mute her at any time...

Matt-Man said...

VE: You are so right...And I hope that I am the one on her menu. Cheers VE!!

Starrlight said...

I am with Desert it has that sleek dildoesque flair to it. Due to an unfortunate tv swappage I actually have two remotes. One looks like hANNd-Margarets plumper twin...the other is squat, fat and generally ugly. Kinda like Rush Limbaugh.

Oh and speaking of Rachel Ray I found a picture of her that I think might just freak you out. Look for it tomorrow :P

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha. You had to go and mention Rush Limbaugh. Ick. RR tomorrow, eh? I can't wait. I am sure it will be anything but Dee-Lish. Cheers!!

Mo said...

I've never thought of naming my remote, but of course now that's all I'll be able to think of...
but I do know what you mean. My batteries died yesterday morning, and I actually had to get up off my fat ass to turn off the tv!
Here I couldn't afford lunch, but I was at the supermarket buying batteries for my as-yet-un-named remote!

Angell said...

Men and their remotes. Sheesh. Hubby has a possesive streak about his. I only get control if he's out having a smoke or if I'm home alone. Otherwise, he is the supreme being of remote land.

His theory is I don't share my toys, he shouldn't have to share his.

Matt-Man said...

Mo: Ha. And I bet you pushed and pushed on that remote trying to squeeze one last channel change out of it before you had to get up. Cheers Mo!!

Angell: I now have nothing but the utmost respect for your husband. Cheers!!

jillie said...

She's the king of woman that'll take you places that you've never been to before!

Hair in a can....LMAO...I remember those commercials. AAAKKKKK!

Matt-Man said...

Jillie: Ha. I wish they would bring back the aerosol hair. A Popeil Classic. Cheers Jillie!!

Knight said...

No mention of LOGO?
If you are this fond of a remote I assume you have not discovered fleshlights yet. You wouldn't have anything running down your leg!

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. That was very good Knight. I like that. Cheers!!

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

You got a toot on this morning don't you Matt-Man. You are partaking the Wild Irish Rose this early in the day. Bwahahahahaha. Take a nap. :)

leelee said...

S'wondeful..

there certainly has been some good quality punnin' goin' on in the blogosphere..

I dig you hANNd-Margaret and I might be a bigger Ron Popiell fan than even YOU!.. But my new guy..is the AS SEEN ON TV guy...ya know..magic putty et al.

Jahooni said...

You can push my buttons more than once a day and i bet cha' i would get turned on too! ;)~

Bond said...

Big freakin deal... I have hANNd Margaret and two twin sisters as the surround sound needs it's own lovin and the TiVo needs to be stroked also...

Yes, you got it baby..me and THREE...count 'em THREE sleek, orgasmic hand toys...

Winter said...

I will get a webcam just for you Matt! Marcus is always snuggling my remote! The little bastard.

The Absurdist said...

You'd be better off with a Molly Mouth.

cathy said...

Ha! I've been saying for years that remote controls are getting more and more phallic as time goes by.

Why has this post left me with the mental image of you trying to change channel with an erect penis?

Sassy Mama Bear said...

Women have battery operated lovers because their men have things like your hANNd-Margaret

Matt-Man said...

Sandee: I actually didn't start til nine, so I guess I'm late. Cheers!!

Leelee; Ha. I got your magic right c'here. Cheers!!

Jahooni: Woo Hoo, I'll keep hitting playback as well. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I guess you have hit your peak Vin. Cheers!!

Winter: You are too kind. Cheers Dear!!

Abs: Ya Think? I just can't see that? Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Cathy: Since they're all made in China they have short man's syndrome and need a good feeling. Cheers!!

Sassy: Excuses, excuses, excuses...Cheers!!

katherine. said...

it is a well known fact that I am very fond of having total control or the remote...

Cheesy said...

Men don't care what's on TV.....
Just what ELSE is on TV.....

Travis said...

I now see my own remote in a whole new light.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: I always pictured you as a control maven. Cheers!!

Cheesy: Ba dump bump. Cheers!!

Travis: And it's a beautiful shade isn't it? Cheers Trav!!

The Teamster said...

one of the first things I learned about Katherine when I met her was her "need" for the remote....

even when she's blogging....she "needs" the remote......is it about the "remote" or about the "control"?

she sometimes cuddles with it in her sleep...good thing I'm not a jealous teamster....

Matt-Man said...

Teamster: It's hard to compete with an electronic and and a set of Energizers. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

ummmm....I dunno....I pretty fond of the real thing....

Matt-Man said...

Kat: I accept what I can get and live with it. Very sad. Cheers!!

Ginormous Boobs said...

But does she do the dishes?

Matt-Man said...

GB: No, dammit. Cheers!!