See that picture on the right? Do you know what it is?
If you answered, “a TV remote control”, you are only partially correct. It is much more than that.
It is my friend, my lover, and feels incredibly wonderful in my hand.
In fact, the only things that feel better in my hands are Schmoop’s left boob, and my wanker.
It is more than a remote control, it is a device that allows me to lay on the couch and enjoy politics, the arts, comedy, and infomercials.
I call her, hANNd-Margaret, and I love her.
My sleek, ergonomic mistress can take me to see places and people I would never get a chance to see without her comforting, programmable aid.
For instance, I can bring up the Travel Channel and see the deep beauty of the Grand Canyon, or go to the Food Network and see how wide Rachel Ray’s ass has gotten.
A virtual Dee-Lish doubleheader of geologic glory and annoying culinary arts. Yum-Oh!!
hANNd-Margaret’s wiles allow me to watch re-runs of The Brady Bunch.
I can click and view the loving gaze of Mrs. Brady towards Mr. Brady, and Mr. Brady’s loving gaze down upon Peter. Nice…Comforting.
Punch in “41”, and I can watch Suzanne Somers in her formative years on Three’s Company. And then, turn to channel 2 and see her Emmy caliber performance on QVC.
She was especially profound when she was selling her Thigh Master…I wish they would re-run those ads.
Speaking of infomercials, my life wouldn’t be complete without my hero, Ron Popeil.
Inventor of the Pocket Fisherman, Hair in a Can, and today’s, Showtime Rotisserie Oven.
As for my electronic lady, if I get tired watching the Ronco Rotisserie infomercial, I can hit the sleep timer, and…set it and forget it.
She is so good to me.
It doesn’t stop there. hANNd brings the world of entertainment news to me as well.
With a push of her button, I can get caught up on Lindsay Lohan’s latest binge, Mel Gibson’s newest Jew-Jam, and Paris Hilton’s mutated STD.
I love it!! I love my hANNd!!
I can hold her and flip over to a baseball game. Nothing like watching juiced up ball players scratching their balls…
Specifically, steroid filled balls that are the size of a gnats eye, and as hard as Tungsten.
She can transport me to the “news” and bring up images of Bill O’Reilly discussing the latest Obama gaffe as he segue ways to a salacious expose on teen prostitution.
That darn Bill, always looking out for us.
Yes folks, I love hANNd-Margaret. She turns me on, and I turn her on several times a day.
Why should women have all of the fun? They have their battery operated lovers; why shouldn’t I?
hAANd-Margaret and her powerful set of AA’s supercharge my life everyday.
See ya all tomorrow for Half-Nekkid Thursday.