Two Short Rants, Two Short Videos, and Two Very Sweaty Balls

I’m off today…all day. I should be in a good mood but I am far from it.

The main reason I will get to later, but for now my first rant is about one, Rev. Jesse Jackson.

It seems that on July 6th, he not only was heard saying that Senator Obama is, “talking down to black people.”...

It is also being reported that he said that Obama is:

“…Telling Niggers How to Behave!!”

As I think about this and type, I can hear Dana Carvey as the Church Lady saying:

“Well, Reverend Who Can’t Keep His Penis In His Britches Outside Of His Holy Bond of Matrimony, don’t we have a potty mouth? Hmmmm?”

Of course, my own voice just says, “what a hypocritical dumb fuck.” But I also think, man, this is just kinda sad.

Jackson has become both a tragic and comedic figure.

Tragic in that, this once integral part of the Civil Rights movement is consumed with his own hypocrisy and his jealousy of Barack Obama, and…

Comedic, in the sense that more and more often, with every utterance, he paints his self-portrait in caricature form.

Senator Obama is not out to make himself the leader of the black community; he wants to be the leader of all Americans.

However, in the wake of Obama’s rise to political power, Jackson sees it differently.

Jackson sees it as a threat to his title of, “Leader of the Black Community”, and a threat to his throne.

What he doesn’t see, is that his title was self-appointed, and there was never a throne upon which he sat.

And now, let’s have a little fun before my second rant…

A video of me in a batting cage taking swings at 75 m.p.h. fastballs. Commentary provided by Ryno.

It’s a good thing only aluminum bats were available, because at least you can HEAR the hits that Ryno failed to capture on camera!!

And now, another short video of Ryno going all Irish-Scottish (Maybe it’s a new historical figure, William O’Wallace) on me as we waited for his lunch in the Drive-Thru at Rally’s.

My last rant is this…

Maintenance has been up here 5 times in the last two months to “fix” our A/C.

Well, today will be six, because after working on it for 6 hours yesterday it still doesn’t work.

Folks, I planned on using my day off to make a couple of videos, drink, eat, listen to music, and avoid the 93 degree temps and 70% humidity inside a comfortable apartment.

Instead, I will be listening to the clanging of A/C repair while I sweat.

It won’t be a good sweat. I will feel and smell like a human mattress used in a three way between Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, and Bill O’Reilly in a back alley of Bangkok.

Thank God, I have plenty of libation on hand.

See you all tomorrow, unless of course I melt like a salted snail.

Cheers!!

The Woman Who Controls Me

See that picture on the right? Do you know what it is?

If you answered, “a TV remote control”, you are only partially correct. It is much more than that.

It is my friend, my lover, and feels incredibly wonderful in my hand.

In fact, the only things that feel better in my hands are Schmoop’s left boob, and my wanker.

It is more than a remote control, it is a device that allows me to lay on the couch and enjoy politics, the arts, comedy, and infomercials.

I call her, hANNd-Margaret, and I love her.

My sleek, ergonomic mistress can take me to see places and people I would never get a chance to see without her comforting, programmable aid.

For instance, I can bring up the Travel Channel and see the deep beauty of the Grand Canyon, or go to the Food Network and see how wide Rachel Ray’s ass has gotten.

A virtual Dee-Lish doubleheader of geologic glory and annoying culinary arts. Yum-Oh!!

hANNd-Margaret’s wiles allow me to watch re-runs of The Brady Bunch.

I can click and view the loving gaze of Mrs. Brady towards Mr. Brady, and Mr. Brady’s loving gaze down upon Peter. Nice…Comforting.

Punch in “41”, and I can watch Suzanne Somers in her formative years on Three’s Company. And then, turn to channel 2 and see her Emmy caliber performance on QVC.

She was especially profound when she was selling her Thigh Master…I wish they would re-run those ads.

Speaking of infomercials, my life wouldn’t be complete without my hero, Ron Popeil.

Inventor of the Pocket Fisherman, Hair in a Can, and today’s, Showtime Rotisserie Oven.

As for my electronic lady, if I get tired watching the Ronco Rotisserie infomercial, I can hit the sleep timer, and…set it and forget it.

She is so good to me.

It doesn’t stop there. hANNd brings the world of entertainment news to me as well.

With a push of her button, I can get caught up on Lindsay Lohan’s latest binge, Mel Gibson’s newest Jew-Jam, and Paris Hilton’s mutated STD.

I love it!! I love my hANNd!!

I can hold her and flip over to a baseball game. Nothing like watching juiced up ball players scratching their balls…

Specifically, steroid filled balls that are the size of a gnats eye, and as hard as Tungsten.

She can transport me to the “news” and bring up images of Bill O’Reilly discussing the latest Obama gaffe as he segue ways to a salacious expose on teen prostitution.
That darn Bill, always looking out for us.

Yes folks, I love hANNd-Margaret. She turns me on, and I turn her on several times a day.

Why should women have all of the fun? They have their battery operated lovers; why shouldn’t I?

hAANd-Margaret and her powerful set of AA’s supercharge my life everyday.

See ya all tomorrow for Half-Nekkid Thursday.

Cheers!!