My Fellow Americans...

This past Saturday Marilyn, of More Random Than Average posted ten questions that she would like to ask the Presidential candidates.

She also gave the reasons why she wanted them answered. I took the liberty of copying the questions and giving my answers to them, to her, and all of America.

After all, I want to be elected, lead this nation, and meet some hot foreign babes in the process. So here they are...

1. Have you ever had to clean out the fridge when there was fuzzy stuff growing on the leftovers? What did you do with the container?

Being the resourceful man that I am, I waste nothing. I venture to Vietnam frequently for um…business reasons…I typically return home with a case of the clap.

I have found that the fuzzy stuff, when applied topically, clears it right up. I use the container to keep my discharge cultures in…saves the nurse from having to get one.

2. Please pronounce the word nuclear in a sentence.

When I offered to do her in the ass, the bitch went noo-klee-er on me.

3. What brand of feminine products does your wife use and have you ever purchased them?

I am currently living in sin, however, I will tell you this. I prefer that ladies do not use feminine hygiene products. When going down on a sexy babe I live by one rule:

"If it smells like cologne, leave it alone. If it smells like fish, tasty dish." Much like me, it’s all about keeping’ it real.

And yes, I have purchased them on numerous occasions, but not for their intended purposes, but the reasons are between me, and God Almighty.

4. Let's assume you are wearing athletic shoes and you step in some dog poop, getting it thoroughly stuck in the ridges of the sole. How would you go about cleaning it off?

I wouldn’t clean it off…It would help to mask the disgusting smell of my feet. I always consider others.

5. Which of the following is it safe to give a kid with a fever: Tylenol, Ibuprofen, or Aspirin.

Tylenol is cool. I think Ibuprofen is as well. Aspirin however, has been linked to Reye’s Syndrome named after some Aussie doctor.

I think it leads to an irrational desire to eat vegemite and dance with chicks named Matilda…or something.

6. You pay for a $1.48 soda with a ten dollar bill. What should you get back as change?

First of all, I don’t drink soda. I drink Bagwine and Beer. And under a Matt-Man administration, alcohol production would be nationalized, so it would be free…at least to my friends.

So, that entire ten dollar bill you speak of stays in my pocket, and yours!!

7. The following phrases should not appear in political speeches: "the gold bar standard," and "the litmus test". Please explain why.

Now, I have been to The Gold Bar, and the strippers there are smokin' hot, but their standards have nothing to do with running this country.

As for litmus test…The government has no business delving into the results of your home pregnancy kit.

8. Would you read and seriously try to understand newspaper editorials that disagreed with you?

I doubt that that would happen but if it did?…I would merely have sex with the hot chick who wrote it, and change her mind.

If it was a guy or some butt ugly woman, I would merely offer them a well paying, government job with a big title and absolutely no responsibility.

If they refused I would have them whacked. I am all for free speech, but it does have its consequences.

9. How do you feel about presidential signing statements and would you use them?

You damn well better believe that I will…Giving a big ol' Fuck You to parts of legislation passed by those morons in Congress is a well defined tradition dating back to James Monroe.

Many hard working Americans would love to flip off the Congress. I will be the middle finger for middle America!!

10. Boxers of briefs?

Well, when I actually wear underwear, it is almost always boxers. But I do have a problem with boxers. They feel and look so much like regular shorts, that I often leave the house wearing no pants.

But hey, I pride myself on being an open book.

Cheers!!