Beginning this past Sunday, July 27th through Wednesday August 6th, I am working every day but one.Yepperdoodle, I am working 10 out of those 11 days.
And that is in addition to supplying you with a daily dose of incredibly
What’s the Matt-Man to do?
More importantly…what will I be missing? Well, let me tell ya.
First and foremost, Sex!!
Schmoop comes home at around 4:40 P.M. and I go in at 5. By the time I get home, she is usually asleep.
Over these 11 days I will only really see her this Thursday. WTF?
In my book, it takes 10 masturbation sessions to equal 1 session of real sex with an actual person.
Let’s say her and I over an 11 day period, typically have sex seven times. Subtract at least one sexual encounter this Thursday, and I am still out six coital conferences.
That means between now and August 6th, I am going to have to stroke off the Bagwine Boner 60 times to make up for the shortfall.
When I wake up August 7th , my wanker is going to be a piece of gnarled flesh looking remarkably similar to a rotted Horseradish root or the blighted branch of a Contorted Filbert.
And my palm!! There won’t be enough Aloe in the world to soothe my blistered and arthritic Matt-Manus.
(Although telling people that my bloody palms are a result of stigmata, would be kind of fun. I just won’t tell them exactly what I was worshipping when it happened.)
Secondly, I only have one day when I can cook. I love to cook. It’s fun, relaxing, and most of all, when I do cook for Schmoop, it nearly always leads to SEX!!
I should demand compensation from my employer for my lost sexcapades and soon to be damaged dork.
But what could he offer to relieve me of my damages? Bagwine, beer, a bag of chips?
Well, when I drink Bagwine and/or beer I get horny...
I won’t be able to have sex for awhile because of the painful, penile protrusions due to the copious amounts of masturbation.
The bag of chips? I don’t think that handling salty potato chips with a bloody and blistered hand is such a good idea. Do you?
Boy, I just don’t know. Any suggestions? C’mon folks, throw me a bone here. D’oh, I said “bone”. Damn.
I have to figure something out.
Have a great Tuesday, all.
Cheers!!
43 comments:
Fleshlight. Google it :P
I was going to suggest an artificial surrogate, but Starr beat me to it.
I hate being late. *grin*
I bet Matt hates it when girls are "late" as well ;)
I thought you kept your blowup Rachael Ray doll (Or was Michelle Malkin? haha), the Paris Hilton sex tape and a big jug of lube handy for times like these. ;-)
Starr: It's just not the same, and you're right late is not good. Cheers!!
Songbird: Screw that...um, so to speak. Cheers!!
Jay: Rachel Ray? Michelle Malkin? Paris Hilton? I wanna feel the joy of sex not, not experience the symptoms of a diseased gall bladder. Cheers Jay!!
Real Doll. You can have it custom built to your exact requirements. Heh.
poor baby~~
D'oh Matt, you do work at a drive-through liquor store. Schmoop does have a car. If you can't get home for the sex have the sex come to you!
Winter: Not into the doll idead although the fact that she couldn't laugh at me during sex is rather appealing. Cheers!!
Char: Thank you for you concern, albeit sarcastic in nature. Cheers!!
Dana: We only have one car. She'd have to walk. I refuse to have her walk the streets of Bagwine. She has already wasted too many years doing that in her past. Cheers!!
Can you go home for a lunch/dinner break? That could be exciting and unexpected to do it at a time you wouldn't normally.
Season: No can do, I work straight through. That isn't possible. I could start soliciting a few of the customers I guess. Cheers!!
11 to equal the real thing! Jeeze thats to labor intensive, I prefer to think 3 is a more realistic number and not so labor intensive as well as reduced chaffering.
Roger: Hey, sexual pleasure requires quite a bit of sweat equity, and I have the callouses to prove it. Cheers!!
You'd better alternate hands for said beatery or you'll look like Popeye's drunken deformed twin. If you alternate hands you might bend the bone around abit with the awkwardness of the other hand but you'll walk away from this 11 days sporting the forearms of that Master masturbater himself, Popeye. How do you think he got those forearms, spinache, yah right.
Lu: Ha. I always alternate hands for that very reason. Although sometimes I wonder if alternating hands makes me bisexual. Cheers Lu!!
You have a blow up Rachel Ray doll???!?!??! I'm so jealous! Have a yum-oh good time with that!
RLL: Dear God No. That reference was just another example of Jay casting his lies and aspersions upon my character. Frickin' Bastard...Jay, not you. Cheers!!
...why do you think they call it 'palm' oil?
Phfrankie: Not a day goes by that I don't learn somethng from you. Cheers P-Man!!
You have that 20 minute period when you are both home, right? I suggest quickies all over the place.
Karen: On paper that certainly makes sense, but I think only one of us would be "up" for that. Cheers Karen!!
Astroglide...or WD-40
Cheesy: You like the others are so very helpful. I want compensation Dammit!! I wanna have my pie and eat it to!! Oh the Humanity!!
Okay, I 'm fine now...Cheers Cheesy!!
Does Schmoop have to be AWAKE? Ask the boss for extra cigarettes - at least then you can suck it. ;-)
You would only request a bag of chips? You sell yourself too fast Matt-Man. I think you should demand your employer chauffeur Schmoop to you for a drive by sex break each night.
Tug: Ha. now that is not a bad idea at all. Oral sensation is very important to me. Cheers Tug!!
Knight: Yessss. Between you and Tug, that is the type of creative thinking I'm talkin' about. Thank you. Cheers!!
What about the weekend? Does Schmoop work then?
Starr: No she doesn't, but this Saturday I work 11-9 and 11-7 on Sunday!! Damn. Cheers!!
Well in that case....
Schmoop, The Ladybug. Google it!
Obviously with safe search off :P
I don't think it makes you bisexual, it makes you ambidextrosexual. Now, if you put on pasties and a pretty hat and whistle I feel pretty while wacking, then maybe, just maybe you've crossed over.
Starr: Hey now...Back to my needs. this all about me. ; ) Cheers!!
Lu: Too Late...Cheers!!
I really can't add to the incredibly diverse advice of your faithful followers!
Wait - they do have those ridged squishy massage gloves. Would help with hand stress but will cost a fortune in replacements unless you aim properly.
/sigh
Thehun.net :P
Oh and how perfect is it that I am listening to Fire Water Burn right now? Which I think IS your campaign song, cause you ARE the other white meat known as Kid Funky Fried ;)
Dianne: I'll check those out, but man...I just enjoy laying there and letting Schmoop do the work. Kidding...No seriously. Cheers Di!!
Starr: Hmmmm. I am working on a new campaign ad, should I incorporate that? Cheers!!
This one would be good too ;0
Starr: Ha. I am trying to separate myself from the Clinton politics of old. Cheers!!
Such a catchy little ditty. I was blasting at a stoplight and the car next to me in the turn lane nearly died laughing.
Starr: It's good that you are spreadig the mirth. Cheers!!
VE: I'm off to see Otis Day as we speak. Cheers!!
I never mind when the hubster wakes me up for a little quick marital recreation.
I want to hear the "I Feel Pretty" whistle on You Tube. Okay?
Marilyn: Actually Ryno and I do that as a duet...I'll video it when he gets back late next week. Cheers!!
Evil: I love your bluntness. I will pass on your advice. Cheers EG!!
You need an intern
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