Fuck David MacDonald...I'm Fondling The Holy Grail

A brother of mine, who is a funny fucker, recently emailed me and said that the link he attached made him think of me.

It is an article (by one, David MacDonald) about why the Catholic Church correctly finds masturbation to be a sin.

First of all, I wondered…

Did the article make my brother think that I jack off too much, or…does he think of me when HE masturbates?

If it’s the latter, I am somewhat flattered, but more than a bit creeped out!! Anyhoo…

The first part of this article (which appears on catholicbridge.com) is all about myths about masturbation, and then goes into the Biblical precepts that talk against it and call it a sin.

The part I enjoy the most is one that follows which discusses ways to stop the sin of masturbation:

1. Avoid temptation…

The author offers suggestions such as no porn…Maintaining “soft eyes” while at public places such as malls, and, praying the following prayer:

"Lord come into this temptation, I ask that you remove any desire to look or fantasize in this situation."

I hate to play Devil’s Advocate here but evidently God was tempted by Mary, and without touching her, got her pregnant all through his mighty mind powers. I call, Holy Masturbation!!

2. Surrender Your Life to God…

Surrender? Pffft…The French surrender to everyone and Hell…the Nazis steam rolled through them in World War II because 2/3’s of the French Forces were caught literally with their pants down as they masturbated during the invasion.

3. Get into an Accountability Group…

It says, “Find someone with the same ideas and make daily phone calls…Getting honest with others who are sympathetic will really help.”

Ha…Sounds like the way phone sex starts, which of course, that’s right…Leads To Masturbation!!

4. Confession…

“For Catholics, it starts with making confession.”

Are you kidding me?

If one is sitting in a confessional talking about masturbation to a Priest, especially if one is a young boy, the Priest is listening to the boys sin, while stroking his own holy order, all the while absolving the sinner.

There are more suggestions but I really like the one that is titled, Restitution, which states…

“Cleaning up every aspect of our lives.”

Trust me, I clean up “my life” as soon as I am done jacking. It’s only courteous. So there.

So kids, don’t listen to the author of this anti-masturbation tripe, David MacDonald. Masturbation is good…It’s fun!!

Masturbation is good for the heart and good for the soul. And really, doesn’t God want us all to have a good soul?

Damn right he does!!

Happy last day of February. I’m going to spend mine blowing a load all over a picture of Scarlett Johansson.

Praise Jeebus for her creation!! God is Good!!

Cheers!!

If Elected President, Work-Related Masturbatory Mishaps Will Be Covered!!

Beginning this past Sunday, July 27th through Wednesday August 6th, I am working every day but one.

Yepperdoodle, I am working 10 out of those 11 days.

And that is in addition to supplying you with a daily dose of incredibly banal blatherings humorous observations, bon mots, and satirical insight.

What’s the Matt-Man to do?

More importantly…what will I be missing? Well, let me tell ya.

First and foremost, Sex!!

Schmoop comes home at around 4:40 P.M. and I go in at 5. By the time I get home, she is usually asleep.

Over these 11 days I will only really see her this Thursday. WTF?

In my book, it takes 10 masturbation sessions to equal 1 session of real sex with an actual person.

Let’s say her and I over an 11 day period, typically have sex seven times. Subtract at least one sexual encounter this Thursday, and I am still out six coital conferences.

That means between now and August 6th, I am going to have to stroke off the Bagwine Boner 60 times to make up for the shortfall.

When I wake up August 7th , my wanker is going to be a piece of gnarled flesh looking remarkably similar to a rotted Horseradish root or the blighted branch of a Contorted Filbert.

And my palm!! There won’t be enough Aloe in the world to soothe my blistered and arthritic Matt-Manus.

(Although telling people that my bloody palms are a result of stigmata, would be kind of fun. I just won’t tell them exactly what I was worshipping when it happened.)

Secondly, I only have one day when I can cook. I love to cook. It’s fun, relaxing, and most of all, when I do cook for Schmoop, it nearly always leads to SEX!!

I should demand compensation from my employer for my lost sexcapades and soon to be damaged dork.

But what could he offer to relieve me of my damages? Bagwine, beer, a bag of chips?

Well, when I drink Bagwine and/or beer I get horny...

I won’t be able to have sex for awhile because of the painful, penile protrusions due to the copious amounts of masturbation.

The bag of chips? I don’t think that handling salty potato chips with a bloody and blistered hand is such a good idea. Do you?

Boy, I just don’t know. Any suggestions? C’mon folks, throw me a bone here. D’oh, I said “bone”. Damn.

I have to figure something out.

Have a great Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!