Freddie Mac is depositing cum stained cash into Fannie Mae’s pecuniary pussy.
AIG is teabaggin’ the Lehman Brothers…
And all of this financial fucking is gonna be funded by the U.S. government.
Or, in other words, YOU and I will be shelling out 1 TRILLION dollars so that a select few could delight in a phantasmagorical orgy of financial free love.
Well, Treasury Secretary Paulson, President Bushtard, and members of the House and Senate…
The Matt-Man is horny as hell, and he wants some financial fellatio of his own.
I want a government bailout as well, dammit!!
In order to expedite the alleviation of my swollen monetary nutsack, I have run the numbers for you so that you can get me off quickly.
My Son…Look at him. He’s Sad. Wanna help me turn his frown upside down? Here’s how.
He needs support from me for the next four years. Total Cost? $36,000.
Oh Hell, he’s a great kid and he does have a Birthday coming up…let’s make it an even 40K.
He has also expressed an interest in attending Cedarville University when he gets older.
For tuition, room, board, books, and incidentals, his cost over four years will be roughly $134,453.92. Cough it up, bitches.
See that hot honey on the right? That’s Schmoop. She loves me, but I owe her much. Over the course of nearly eight years I figure I owe her $16,000.
Tack on another 5K for her pain and suffering due to my presence. Total: $21,000.00.
Schmoop and I have thought maybe we’d like to buy a Condo. Not too big, not too small. Just right.
Here in Bagwine, Ohio the median cost for such is $85,700.00 Got that? No? Well, write it down, dammit.
Okay, now I have a problem. I inherited my mom’s gums. They are receding quickly. I see dentures in my near future.
If I go to Affordable Dentures in Columbus, I can get a full set installed and out the door for $1,295.00.
My personal debt involving a couple of old credit cards and a personal loan from one of my brothers (thanks again for the penicillin money, buddy), is $4,788.12.
See? I’m not being greedy. Just giving you the real numbers.
Oh, I would like $30,000.00 for my efforts to administer this windfall of wealth. My skillz don’t come free.
Lastly, when I get this bailout from you, I will be so excited that I will probably want to party for at least two weeks.
In order to do that, I will need 3 bottles of Wild Irish Rose per day for 14 days…Cost: $184.38.
On top of that, since I will be having celebratory sex with Schmoop on the kitchen floor of our new Condo when I get my bailout money, I would want to make it special.
If you would, toss in another $15.00 for a bottle of Olive Oil and some Fruit Roll-Ups to make it so.
Total Cost to make my well-deserved American taxpayer dreams come true: $333,436.42
I am sending this to my Congressman, both of my Senators, and the Treasury Secretary. Hey, it never hurts to ask.
That’s what the greedy, incompetent, Wall Street bastards do.