Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Kiss Me, Suck Me, Bail Me Out

Freddie Mac is depositing cum stained cash into Fannie Mae’s pecuniary pussy.

AIG is teabaggin’ the Lehman Brothers…

And all of this financial fucking is gonna be funded by the U.S. government.

Or, in other words, YOU and I will be shelling out 1 TRILLION dollars so that a select few could delight in a phantasmagorical orgy of financial free love.

Well, Treasury Secretary Paulson, President Bushtard, and members of the House and Senate…

The Matt-Man is horny as hell, and he wants some financial fellatio of his own.

I want a government bailout as well, dammit!!

In order to expedite the alleviation of my swollen monetary nutsack, I have run the numbers for you so that you can get me off quickly.



My Son…Look at him. He’s Sad. Wanna help me turn his frown upside down? Here’s how.

He needs support from me for the next four years. Total Cost? $36,000.

Oh Hell, he’s a great kid and he does have a Birthday coming up…let’s make it an even 40K.

He has also expressed an interest in attending Cedarville University when he gets older.


For tuition, room, board, books, and incidentals, his cost over four years will be roughly $134,453.92. Cough it up, bitches.



See that hot honey on the right? That’s Schmoop. She loves me, but I owe her much. Over the course of nearly eight years I figure I owe her $16,000.

Tack on another 5K for her pain and suffering due to my presence. Total: $21,000.00.

Schmoop and I have thought maybe we’d like to buy a Condo. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Here in Bagwine, Ohio the median cost for such is $85,700.00 Got that? No? Well, write it down, dammit.



Okay, now I have a problem. I inherited my mom’s gums. They are receding quickly. I see dentures in my near future.

If I go to Affordable Dentures in Columbus, I can get a full set installed and out the door for $1,295.00.

My personal debt involving a couple of old credit cards and a personal loan from one of my brothers (thanks again for the penicillin money, buddy), is $4,788.12.

See? I’m not being greedy. Just giving you the real numbers.

Oh, I would like $30,000.00 for my efforts to administer this windfall of wealth. My skillz don’t come free.

Lastly, when I get this bailout from you, I will be so excited that I will probably want to party for at least two weeks.

In order to do that, I will need 3 bottles of Wild Irish Rose per day for 14 days…Cost: $184.38.

On top of that, since I will be having celebratory sex with Schmoop on the kitchen floor of our new Condo when I get my bailout money, I would want to make it special.

If you would, toss in another $15.00 for a bottle of Olive Oil and some Fruit Roll-Ups to make it so.

Total Cost to make my well-deserved American taxpayer dreams come true: $333,436.42

I am sending this to my Congressman, both of my Senators, and the Treasury Secretary. Hey, it never hurts to ask.

That’s what the greedy, incompetent, Wall Street bastards do.

Cheers!!

74 comments:

Jay said...

I have exactly $1.77 in savings. I'll send that to you as soon as possible.

Wait .. the stamp will be .42 cents. So, I'll send you $1.35 tomorrow.

Well ... hold on. I'm thinking of running and getting a .99c jr. cheeseburger at Wendy's. With tax that will be $1.06.

Okay, I will send you .29 cents tomorrow.

katherine. said...

I think you have to already have spent the money before they will bail you out.

It kinda ticks me off that neither McCain nor Obama has the balls to haul ass back to Washington and vote.

Vote yes.
Vote no.

Just take a stand like you have the backbone and guts to be POTUS.

I need something stronger than WIR.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Thanks, but keep it. I'll consider it my tithe. When it comes back to me ten-fold I'll pocket a cool $2.90. Cheers!!

Kat: Vote on what? Congress better take their time and hammer things out such as oversight, mortgage protection, et. al. first before voting on a blank check.

Only fools rush in, no? Cheers!!

Desert Songbird said...

Katherine, I got a bottle of vodka with our names on it. Wanna come over and share it?

Big bail out.

The only thing the government seems to know what to do - to bail.

katherine. said...

I agree...there is no reason to pass a bill within a few days....or an incomplete version.

but to not vote at all is wrong.

Desert Songbird said...

But taking a stand would require having some balls, Katherine. I hear, though that Sarah Palin has those in spades.

*grin*

katherine. said...

DS - put it on ice....I'm on my way.

Starrlight said...

Yeah something tells me we are not gonna get a reach around on this ass plundering we are about to receive.

333k is cheap, babe. You totally forgot to factor in time and effort for the upkeep of Bagwine Blog.

Oh and Spam. Where is the Spam allowance?

And TELL me those number on the Ryno support are a joke! No seriously tell me!

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: The Bush Administration has presided over the largest expansion of govt powers since FDR. How ironic for Conservatives. Cheers!!

Kat: They will vote. Save some Vodka for me. Cheers!!

Starr: Joke? What joke? I'm serious. But I will add a SPAM and Blog addendum. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

OMFG. One of us is getting screwed. Wanna know what my CS is per month? 130 bucks. Of course we have joint custody but still. He makes at least twice what I do!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I don't make shit, and I'm only required to give them 100-110. I just give more than I am required to. Just a Matt-Man thing.

And on second thought, there will be no addendum. The govt would want me to buy some knock off brand of "SPAM". And money for the blog would put a governmental taint on my site. I simply cannot have that. Cheers!!

Winter said...

If it weren't for the fact that your kid looks so sad and it's making all my motherly instincts come out, I would be trying to figure out how you're going to use the fruit rolls up you incorrigible man you.

Matt-Man said...

Winter: Ha. Very good. I actually had to take his picture six times to get a sad look out of him because we would both start laughing before I snapped the pic. Cheers!!

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. ~ H. L. Mencken

Lu' said...

I'm for helping the poor shlubs that got into a mortgage they can't afford. Rework the mortgae even if they are paying for the rest of their lives but pay for it they will. Credit is a wicked wicked thing. Shame on lenders for NOT denying to lend. They used to refuse and then it became a free for all. Those bastards can just jump out a window. It happened before and the big blue marble kept turning. And what's with the gas in the south. Get some friggin trucks down there and pump it straight from the tanker. Jeebus we can fill a plane in flight for cryin out loud. Let the dirty money of the oil companies foot the bill. It is the very very least they could do.

Matt-Man said...

Nick: I count that as a blessing every day. Cheers Nick!!

Lu: I say we all get what Daniel Stern got in City Slickers. A Do Over. Let's just start the whole thing over. Cheers!!

Dana said...

Only 5K for Schmoop's pain and suffering due to your presence? Surely you underestimate that pain and suffering ...

Oh! And on Lu's "Shame on lenders for NOT denying to lend." - Shame on the people who took those mortgages without considering the impact on their finances. They are every bit as greedy!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ah. But keep in mind not ALL pain and suffering is bad. ; )

As far as the lending. Many mortgage companies encouraged their lenders to lend regardless. They were gonna package and sell of the questionable mortgages anyway.

Borrowers should have been smarter and more realistic when taking out mortgages but I don't think their compelling motivation not to do so was greed. Cheers!!

Dana said...

Really? If not greed then what? Entitlement?

As a borrower, what is my motivation to exceed my ability to pay if it is not greed or entitlement?

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Especially among first time homeowners, the prevailing emotion would most likely be excitement.

I remember how excited I was, and it had nothing to do with greed.

I don't think your reference to entitlement plays any part of the equation except for the lender probably saying to the borrower:

"Oh c'mon Mr and Mrs Smith, buy more house than you can afford; you deserve it."

I can hear the lender using the word "deserve" i.e. "entitlement", more than the borrowers thinking it.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...hey, M2...when you get your dough can I borrow some? I'l pay you back, I promise...or, better yet, I'll get my wacked-out government to pay it back for me! Yeah, that's the ticket! Gimme some dough!

Jeff B said...

In an effort to keep from feeding the bail out machine any longer, instead of sending cash, I've decided to start whittling you a pair of dentures out of a branch that fell in my back yard.

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: I'll do that. Because if you default on my loan to you, I'll simply go back to the govt for more money. It's win-win, P-Man. Cheers!!

Jeff: Sweet. I appreciate that. Wooden teeth will make look so Washingtonesque. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I just noticed something. You said, 130 bucks a MONTH in Child Support? My 110 that I mentioned is per WEEK. Wow, you ARE getting screwed. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

My teeth are falling out. I had to quit the dental work when he wouldn't finance anymore. So - I can send my teeth to Jeff and he can crazy glue them on to the tree branch and send them on to you!

Now I need to get serious cause Dana pissed me off big time.

I bought my house 5 years ago when the market was thriving. My son and I had been saving forever. I was 47 when I got my first house. I did all kinds of spreadsheets to figure out what I could afford - let me mention that I am smarter and better educated than the average bear - I took the spreadsheets with me to every house I looked at, every realtor who BS'd me and then ...

when I decided to buy a house for under 300 in a town not quite where I wanted to be that required work above and beyond my abilities I was ASSAULTED by the banks.

But your credit is so much better than that! But your numbers clearly show you can afford twice a house.

But you can live in that other town.

They spun and weaved and at times almost got me. Again - I am older, smarter and better educated than the average first time buyer. Plus I have struggled all my life and am so mentally and emotionally shell shocked that I STILL don't think I could ever have my own home.

The bankers told me that there is NO WAY my home would NOT be worth 3 times more in 7 years. That will be less than 2 years from now. Right now I can not afford my mortgage since my health insurance has tripled, gas and food and utilities, my business is sucking cause my corporate clients are all being investigated. My son's income is less than it was 5 years ago because his union caved in to give backs.

I could go on and on. And I can't sell it cause it will just sit here along with the 20 other homes around me. NONE of us Greedy and Entitled folks can afford to fucking live!!!!

Greed and entitlement my hard working, well researched, pay all my taxes, believe in the American dream ASS!!!

I have been fucked by greedy pieces of crap who knew exactly what they were doing and felt they were entitled to do it because their lying, criminal lackey cohorts are in the White House.

Can ya tell I'm pissed off!!

Sorry Dana but your Republican line of bullshit just went way too far for me.

And don't bother to counter with more of your pithy tongue in cheek responses and winks and gigglesnorts. We "greedy and entitled" folks are real fucking people NOT a talking point.

Another Desert Rat said...

Hmmm... I need to calculate my "bail out"... Do you think I could include poor investment decisions like Red Hook Brewery?

Matty - I've got a "distressing" video for you over at my place.

Cheers, Dear!

katherine. said...

I was gonna make a child support comment...however the show has moved...

gonna sit back here on the couch and watch for a while...

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: First of all, I am sorry for the situation that you and many like you are in, but here is what I don't understand...

Are you telling me that a lender sold you a bill of goods that they knew was false?

Are you telling me that a lender sold you something without regard to your future so they could make a buck without repercussions?

Are you telling me that they didn't care because they knew they were going to sell the mortgage off to someone else. And need not worry whether you pay it or not?

Is this what you are telling me?

Yes, I think you are, and it's a damn shame because it's the damn truth in your case and so many others.

This is when I hope Karma exists, and burns some rotten investment bankers on the ass.

Cheers and Good Luck, Di!!

katherine. said...

actually I think it would behoove me to check out ADR's video...

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Matty? Coming from you, I like that. I'll be over Rat. Cheers!!

Kat: What sucks is that I have to go in at 1 today. I hope I don't miss anything. Cheers Kat!!

Starrlight said...

LOL! Well he pays half of the school fees and sports and guitar as well. Frankly the reason we get along so well is because I have NEVER complained about the childsupport amount. It's just never been worth ruining my relationship with him for a couple hundred bucks a month. It's just money!

VE said...

Ha ha ha. I was so waiting for somebody to tally up their own expensives and try this approach. Sure enough...it was you!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I like your attitude. I wish more people had it. Cheers!!

VE: I am bummed though. None of these pukes have gotten back with me yet. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Kat and Rat: I watched the video at your site Rat, I was highly aroused. Cheers to you both!!

Real Live Lesbian said...

If you're going to party, you might as well invite us all over. You're going to need a full two bottles for me! I'm spending the night! ;)

Another Desert Rat said...

Ha! We're so sorry you missed out on the "action!"

Another Desert Rat said...

Oh, did I mention that the bartender looked kind of like a mature version of Tom Selleck?

Matt-Man said...

RLL: Dammit, you're right. Add another 1,000.00 to the tab. And you're staying the night? Can we experiment? Cheers Lynn!!

Desert Rat: I'm sorry I missed it too, but trust me, I am conjuring the my version of the entire night's activities in my head. You Rock. Cheers Rat!!

Starrlight said...

Well during our breakup the ex reminded me of how much money he would (and does) make and that I would be missing out on being able to be a non working wife.

Which is when I decided that yes indeed marriage really IS legalized prostitution and I'd rather give that away for free ;)

Dianne said...

Yes Matt that is what I am telling you and I know that you know that I know that you knew that was what I was telling you

Except for one thing that needs to be clear - to others, not you. I didn't buy the bigger more expensive house. I bought the lesser one. The one that all my projections said would stay affordable, the one that would (even in my most modest assumptions) be worth enough in 7 years to sell, take the equity and buy 2 homes since I would like to live alone before I drop dead and my son and his wife and the child they're trying to have would like to live up, not down.

I mention 7 years because that is when my variable rate explodes - 2 more years from now (especially if Johnny and Sarah are elected) my mortgage will be more than the more I can afford and my home will be worth less.

Gives one pause.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha. I was always reminded that "you can still have this house, it doesn't have to be just mine." Ai yi yi. Cheers!!

Dianne: I understand that clearly, Di. ARMs were such a good selling point. "Don't worry things will be great. How can times go south?"

Good Luck buddy. Cheers Di!!

Starrlight said...

Ya know if I had a huge old house with living quarters that were WAY far apart and I never had to clean for him or sleep with him, I could probably room with the Ex. He's amusing and bright. A bit extreme in his political views (I tease that he wears a tin foil hat) but definately good dinner convo if you keep it totally non-personal.

I wouldn't take an ARM if you stuck a gun to my head. Or a ballon payment. Or and 80/20 mortgage. Nuh uh. Murphy sucks way too hard for me to risk those terms cause something WILL go wrong. I was offered and ARM way back in 94 when I bought a house and I could have gotten a hell of a lot nicer house with it but I said no how no way. SO glad I did.

Starrlight said...

an and and are my personal bete noir. Stupid words.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha. Bete Noir, nice. Well, my ex and I get along fairly well now. Unless, PMS strikes.

No, I'm not being sterotypical, she has always not fared so well during that time. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

I'm gonna piss of a bunch of women saying this but most of the girls I grew up with who acted like hose beasts while on the rag did so do to bottle rage from not just being a bitch when it was necessary the rest of the month. Feel free to throw produce, ladies.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Oh not in this case. She did a fine job at it the rest of the month as well. Cheers, I'm off to work now : (!!

Jamie said...

You will be pleased to know that I bought a sure thing lotto ticket from Nigeria with your name on it. They have promised to pay up immediately after tonight's drawing.

katherine. said...

I know plently of women who use PMS as an excuse for being bitchy....or whiney...or whatever they need an excuse for.

I know women who actually suffer from serious physical and emotional effects.

I know of men who use PMS to complain, demean, et cetera...women in general...and use it as a reason to limit what they should or could do.

Raven said...

Hi... Dianne sent me over and I have to add my two cents to her response to Dana about greedy people buying houses they can't afford. I'm lucky. I think there were angels watching over me. First, I'm disabled and living/surviving on very little money every month. Until I got sick, I lived my life debt free, never bought anything I couldn't afford and always paid my credit card bills off in full. I have great credit still despite lots of troubles. But back to the topic.

Where I live there are no laws protecting renters. No matter how efficiently you pay your rent, no matter how quiet you are, landlords can kick you out because they feel like it. And they can keep you frightened and vulnerable with month-to-month mortgages. I'd been done over and forced to move three times and it was becoming clear that I couldn't continue to endure either the physical, psychological or financial strain of this. The gift of the last drunken psycho landlady was that I started looking for a home of my own.

Three things factored into my shopping. First, I was desperate and frightened. Second, I was inexperienced in the costs around owning a home that renters never encounter. Third, it never occurred to me that banks would offer a mortgage to someone they knew couldn't actually afford it. I'm very smart, but I'm also something of an innocent. Angels watched over me and I didn't get the house that I first tried to buy. On paper the numbers added up and the bank said I was a great candidate. I never could have afforded that house at even a relatively modest interest rate. Thankfully, the owner wouldn't sell it to me and I eventually wound up in a cheaper home in a better location for my needs and with a SONYMA 4% mortgage. I just make it through each month.

My point. I wasn't greedy. I was naive and in need of a place to live. But for good fortune and divine intervention, I'd be in financial hell and/or homeless now. There is clear evidence that many bankers simply lied to customers and deluded them into thinking they could afford homes that they couldn't.

Sorry this is so long, but I'm with Dianne. The blame the victims song really pisses me off. It's ignorant and mean-spirited. You will happily bail out greedy SOBs who stole from all of us on a national and international scale and tell the poor saps whose lives they have turned upside-down to go to hell. I don't know if you're a Republican or not, but you sure sound like one. In any case, you sound heartless. And... I hate to tell you but hundreds of thousands of homeless people are NOT good for the economy or the nation.

Starrlight said...

Raven, first off I hope your health stays stable enough for you to enjoy life. That said, for every innocent like yourself there was a greedy ass who felt they deserved that house or a flipper trying to make an easy buck.

Matt can defend himself just dandy but for someone to rail on him for lumping all folks with forclosures as greedy and then turn around and make a judgement call on someone else does not support your arguement.

I, personally, know folks who were both too innocent AND too greedy.

katherine. said...

Sigh. Heavy Sigh.

Why do my tax dollars have to go to bail the lending institutions out?
Why do people with bad loans (by choice or by circumstance) get help from ME?

For the people who took advantage and for the stupid people….and for the really smart people who did ALL THE RIGHT THINGS the way the were suppose to….

If a lending institution lent money for a mortgage and the investment is now insolvent why should my tax dollars rescue either the lending institution OR the in trouble homeowner??

I did not jump on the bandwagon of giving money to people betting on an ever increasing housing market.

I did nothing criminal in giving that mortgage.

I did not take out a home loan that I can not pay because of the crashing economy.

I did not get in over my head because I did not do the math and succumbed to the snake oil lending institution.

If the homeowner was greedy or stupid why should my hard earned money bail them out?

If the homeowner was smart and did all the right things…but STILL is in trouble with their home loan…why should my hard earned money bail them out?

Let me repeat that….If the homeowner was smart and did all the right things…but STILL is in trouble with their home loan…why should my hard earned money bail them out?

Who is gonna come help me when I need the money? Those people who got help in this bailout?

Doubtful.

Desert Songbird said...

I'm not one to fan the flames or anything, and normally I've been accused of being a bleeding heart liberal, but I'm with Katherine here. When hubby and I were desperate and in dire straits, we didn't expect a bail out. And believe me, with a 16-month layoff just a couple of years after a previous one, we were hurting. AND we had done things the "right way." Just saying, I think sometimes people expect too much help. I think there is nothing wrong with the "pulling one's self up by one's own bootstraps" mentality is a fine idea, and the work ethic passed down to me by my parents is proof of that. As legal immigrants of this country, my parents NEVER, EVER sought government assistance, and my father, if he knew or even suspected I would take advantage of a government bail-out, would come back from the dead just to KICK MY ASS.

Now, the opportunity for a refinance? I've certainly taken that opportunity, many times. But when the opportunity is financed at the unwilling taxation of others, then I can't subscribe to that.

ambergail77 said...

You kind of distracted me with the phantasmagorical orgy.... I will have the kids trick or treat for Matt-Man this year instead of UNICEF if that will help.

Tug said...

3 bottles a day & I'd be puking.

Great post, and I've got to say I agree with Katherine, too...

Bond said...

I don't have child support...I have ex-support and let me tell both you and Starr...bitches...you ain't paying/getting nothing compared to what i shell out each month...multiply your numbers by 17 and then sit and wonder how I enjoy bending over twice a month

How the F**K do I get some of this cash Busy baby s allocating to his good buddies...and hey, do you blame him...he is gonna need a job in a few months...

Starrlight said...

Whoa alimony, Vinny? Really? There is just no way I could bring myself to ask for alimony. And *I* put him through school and worked 50 hour weeks to do it. But even with that, just no. I would make me feel skeevy.

pissedofftotheMAX micky-t said...

**hand raised high waving jumping up and down**

Can I have some? Please! Me Me
Pick me. Me
Bail MY ass out!

Karen said...

You are very logical. But can you throw in a little "Karen Fund" in there.

Evil Genius said...

Honey, your bailout is a mere pittance compared to the country's proposed trillion. I vote we bail you out...as long as you agree to share some of your Wild Rose.

Oh, and videos of you and Schmoop in the new condo. There must be videos.

Michelle said...

You're always stirring up crap! I'm very opionated on this subject.. I think I'll stay out of it today.. :) Enjoy!

Matt-Man said...

Jamie: You are too kind. Thank you for thinking of me. Cheers!!

Kat: I know people who use it as an excuse as well. She does have real problems with it. But has never tried to do anything about it. Cheers!!

Raven: You don't agree with Dana and I don't agree with her on all things including some of this crap, but one thing she isn't, in my estimation of her, is heartless. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: As you point out, there is no, "all them" or "all us" victimization going on here. Cheers, Sis!! ; )

Kat: Whether it is fair or unfair, people need to be helped out to avoid mass foreclosures and the myriad of tertiary problems that would result from it. Cheers!!

Songbird: That's great but, what about people who truly need help? What's wrong with readjusting mortgages for people. No one is just going to pay off their house. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Amber: Ha. I like it. Tell your kids thanks for me. Cheers Amber!!

Tug: Can one get sick from drinking the Nectar of the Gods? Cheers!!

Bond: Wow you are shelling out the cash. You must have been a major league asshole. Cheers Vinny!!

Matt-Man said...

Starr: And God knows, we don't want you to feel skeevy. Cheers!!

Micky: Anytime you nut. Cheers!!

Karen: But of course. And thanks, Spock and I must be related. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: I'll share the Rose and if you'd like, you can shoot the video. Cheers EG!!

Michelle: Ha. I merely asked for a little over 300K, the others are stirring the crap. I had no intentions of doing that...Seriously. ; ) Cheers Michelle!!

Matt-Man said...

To All Who Commented:

Now dammit, this is what makes blogging fun. I'm sorry I missed most of the day today. Loved all of the arguments. Good Stuff.

You guys rock. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

They can move the decimal place to the left one place and that would be all I need to live comfortably for more than a year... needless to say that is about twice what I make in a year.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Don't be shy...Go Big. Some inattentive bureaucrat may mistakenly approve your request! Cheers!!

~Deb said...

What an interesting post- AND comments.

What do you think about McCain bailing OUT of the debates?

Matt-Man said...

Deb: Him bailing is a gimmick and a joke. Well, at least to me it is. And by the way, your comment was Number 69...Rowwwwrrrrrrr. ; ) Cheers Deb!!

Raven said...

Hi matt-man. Thanks. I wrote a long response yesterday with some additional thoughts and an apology to you and to Dana for being kind of judgemental. Blogger ate it and I didn't have the heart to start over. Instead I wrote something on my own blog today which anyone who chooses to can read. Here's the Some Things I Don't Understand.

Matt-Man said...

Raven: Okie Dokie...I'll stop by today. Cheers!!

Vodka Mom said...

okay, so I'm not one to complain, but since my HUBBY is now laid off, I might not be able to spare any change. I will, however, send you some nice coupons I've been hoarding. It is now raining. Who will provide the umbrella's? Not Merrill Lynch, that's for damn sure.

Matt-Man said...

Vodka: Sorry ti hear that. I can't direct you to any umbrellas, but I bet some lousy sunzabitches will get a nice Golden Parachute. Cheers VM!!