Kiss Me, Suck Me, Bail Me Out

Freddie Mac is depositing cum stained cash into Fannie Mae’s pecuniary pussy.

AIG is teabaggin’ the Lehman Brothers…

And all of this financial fucking is gonna be funded by the U.S. government.

Or, in other words, YOU and I will be shelling out 1 TRILLION dollars so that a select few could delight in a phantasmagorical orgy of financial free love.

Well, Treasury Secretary Paulson, President Bushtard, and members of the House and Senate…

The Matt-Man is horny as hell, and he wants some financial fellatio of his own.

I want a government bailout as well, dammit!!

In order to expedite the alleviation of my swollen monetary nutsack, I have run the numbers for you so that you can get me off quickly.



My Son…Look at him. He’s Sad. Wanna help me turn his frown upside down? Here’s how.

He needs support from me for the next four years. Total Cost? $36,000.

Oh Hell, he’s a great kid and he does have a Birthday coming up…let’s make it an even 40K.

He has also expressed an interest in attending Cedarville University when he gets older.

For tuition, room, board, books, and incidentals, his cost over four years will be roughly $134,453.92. Cough it up, bitches.



See that hot honey on the right? That’s Schmoop. She loves me, but I owe her much. Over the course of nearly eight years I figure I owe her $16,000.

Tack on another 5K for her pain and suffering due to my presence. Total: $21,000.00.

Schmoop and I have thought maybe we’d like to buy a Condo. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Here in Bagwine, Ohio the median cost for such is $85,700.00 Got that? No? Well, write it down, dammit.



Okay, now I have a problem. I inherited my mom’s gums. They are receding quickly. I see dentures in my near future.

If I go to Affordable Dentures in Columbus, I can get a full set installed and out the door for $1,295.00.

My personal debt involving a couple of old credit cards and a personal loan from one of my brothers (thanks again for the penicillin money, buddy), is $4,788.12.

See? I’m not being greedy. Just giving you the real numbers.

Oh, I would like $30,000.00 for my efforts to administer this windfall of wealth. My skillz don’t come free.

Lastly, when I get this bailout from you, I will be so excited that I will probably want to party for at least two weeks.

In order to do that, I will need 3 bottles of Wild Irish Rose per day for 14 days…Cost: $184.38.

On top of that, since I will be having celebratory sex with Schmoop on the kitchen floor of our new Condo when I get my bailout money, I would want to make it special.

If you would, toss in another $15.00 for a bottle of Olive Oil and some Fruit Roll-Ups to make it so.

Total Cost to make my well-deserved American taxpayer dreams come true: $333,436.42

I am sending this to my Congressman, both of my Senators, and the Treasury Secretary. Hey, it never hurts to ask.

That’s what the greedy, incompetent, Wall Street bastards do.

Cheers!!

That's The Night That The Lights Went Out In Georgia

I am at a loss. You would think that the United States is a relatively safe place to live, and then what happens?

Those damn Russians invade the State of Georgia!!

It’s like the Cold War and the Civil War have been blended into a quixotic, bellicose cocktail of what is surely to be known as the, “The Redneck Russian.”

Drink up folks, The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming!!

They are penetrating deep into Georgia, with troops, armored vehicles, aircraft, and are now dispatching their Black Sea naval fleet to presumably surround Jekyll Island.

And what does President Bush have to say about this raping of our brothers and sisters in the Peach State?

Bush told Prime Minister Vladimir Putin,

(as they had a leisurely dinner of egg roll and Cream of Sum Yung Guy, while watching overly muscular, pre-pubescent chicks straddle a pommel horse, oooohing, while incredibly athletically talented black guys beat the hell out of the Chinese Basketball team and…

Patting a soon-to-be sandied ass chick with under-developed mammaries, on the small of the back because to pat her on the actual ass, would not sit well with red states…)

“This is unacceptable.” “This action is disproportionate, Prime Minister Soulful Eyes.”

To which Putin replied, “Fuck the Georgians, and pass me the Soy Sauce, Dumbass.”

Oh sure, when Dubya wants to invade a third rate power such as Iraq, his little wee-wee gets all a-twitter, living vicariously through the rifle of an 18 year old Marine, but…

When Russian President, Dmitry “Tecumseh” Medvedev seeks to burn Atlanta, it’s nothing but, “C’mon, Ruskies, I’m watching Michael Phelps churn some more agua into Gold!!” says Bush.

Ai yi yi…I just don’t get it.

And, I don’t understand why the Russians would want to attack Georgia anyway.

Do they want to corner the market on peaches and red clay, or do they just want to nationalize the Atlanta Braves and bring Major League Baseball to Eastern Europe?

"Хорошо Хит, Chipper"…That means “Nice Hit, Chipper.” No need to thank me, Comrade Jones.

I don’t understand any of this. Russia attacks Georgia and we do nothing?

Where will we get our Coca-Cola, our CNN, our Weather Channel, our crazy Ted Turner antics?

We won’t get them at all, because the Russians will have assimilated them all.

The worst thing is, once the Russians gain full control of Georgia, Paula Deen will no longer cook with butter and bacon…

She’ll cook with beets and dirt.

Cheers!!