Your September 2008 Bagwine Whore-O-Scope

Aries
March 21 -April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

Contrary to conventional wisdom and Dean Wormer's advice, you find that you are quite comforatble going through life fat, drunk, and stupid.

Taurus
April 20 -May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Upon your arrest by French authorities, you are shocked to discover that taking a dump in the middle of the Louvre, is not considered great art, performance or otherwise.

Gemini
May 21 -June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

You find your supernatural ability to see and communicate with dead people to be far less cool after spending a six hour Greyhound bus ride sitting next to a whiny Richard Nixon.

Cancer
June 21 -July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

Screwing your girlfriend 'til she's "blue in the face" seemed like a hot idea, until you had sex with her in the back seat of your car with the engine running and the garage door down.

Leo
July 23 -August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

Your recipe for Poodle Stew and Beagles and Lox may win you 2nd Place in the 2008 Jewish-Korean cook-off in Seoul, but back home it earns you only scorn and cries of puppy-eater.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

Dying from skin cancer is a bummer, but rest eternally assured that your family is well taken care of after receiving 850,000 dollars by selling your Virgin Mary looking melanoma on eBay.

Libra
September 23 -October 22

Your ruling drink is Mogen-David (Mad Dog) 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

You have always known that a penny earned is a penny saved, but later in the month you will also find out how painful it is to be hit upside the head with a sock full of hot nickels.





Scorpio
October 23 -November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

Your liver transplant goes well until the new organ rejects you for being ungrateful and irritable.






Sagittarius
November 22 -December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A malt liquor with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

You discover that cardboard boxes don't make good tire jacks, unfortunately not soon enough to save your legs.





Capricorn
December 22 -January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish, you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.


You will discover both the beauty and the fury of Mother Nature simultaneously when a tree, in its colorful autumnal splendor, is toppled by a powerful gust of wind, crushing your torso.




Aquarius
January 20 -February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

Your campaign to promote Infant Mortality Awareness Month is admirable, but walking around town hooked up to an EKG monitor, sucking on a pacifier, and wearing only a diaper to bring attention to the problem will garner you little support.




Pisces
February 19 -March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

You make millions after creating and selling the first functional Voodoo Doll. You should have thought about that possibility prior to making them all in your own likeness.




I hope these prognostications will help to guide you.

I am sorry if my comments about the pregnancy of Bristol Palin raised the ire of some you yesterday.

I should have realized that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska), John McCain's VP selection, is actually helping to re-affirm one of her and her clan's characteristics.

By procreating and getting pregnant at the age of 17, daughter Bristol, is demonstrating that the Palins are definitely, Pro-Family.

I apologize for not seeing that. Oh, one last thing...

If elected as VP, I hear that Sarah's daughter, Bristol, will have the Secret Service code name, Eski-Ho.

Cheers!!