Sarah Palin Resigns...Why Do I Care?

Now that the holiday weekend is over, there will be much buzz going on in the news about Gov. Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin.

Sure, she resigned last Friday, which in the 24/7 cable news/talk show cycle is an eon ago, but it didn’t get in-depth coverage because she announced her resignation just hours before the kick-off to the July 4th celebrations.

Throughout the day on Monday, coverage of Palin on MSNBC, FOX News, and others, will be speculative and exhausting.

There are many questions to be answered in reference to her self-imposed termination…

Is she guilty of ethics violations? Did she give favors and kick backs to contractors? Is she the true mother of Michael Jackson’s children?

I have no answer, but those queries do bring another question to my mind. Why in the hell should I care?

Certainly blogs like, The Mudflats and blogger/commentators such as Shannyn Moore should care. After all, they cover Alaskan politics.

But as for me? Eh…To me, she is just a flash in the political pan who has demonstrated that with a wink, a smile, and a decent ass, mediocrity can rise to the top.

Palin claimed that she has been abused by the left-wing bloggers, the left-wing media and by folks like Shannyn Moore who had better silence their “libelous” attacks on her or run the risk of being sued.

Whatever Gov. China Doll…You tried to play with the big boys in the art of national politics and you got broken.

The thing of it is, Palin was the catalyst of her own shattering. She wasn’t ready for prime-time and it showed.

She will never be ready and yet she, for some insane reason, continues through her actions and statements to illuminate that fact.

One of her claims as to why she would make an effective leader is that she is just like the average Joe…just like the neighbor next door…just a hockey mom.

I don’t think that’s true. I believe her to be overly ambitious and intellectually challenged.

I find it abhorrent that she gladly struts her family and their difficulties onto the national stage and then feigns outrage when the press talks about said difficulties in a negative light.

Most of the average Joes, neighbors, and moms that I know wouldn’t put their ambitions and delusions of grandeur ahead of their families or their friends.

She is at best, average, and at worst, a woman who has suffered irreversible brain damage from too much Midnight Sun.

I don’t want a less than average leader and I sure as hell don’t want a quitter. We already have enough of those in government and she is both.

So, that takes me back to my initial question…Why do I and others outside of Alaska care about what is going on with Sarah Palin?

I think that when John McCain chose her as his running mate, he and Palin became different people.

John McCain became Bill Veeck in his years as owner of the St. Louis Browns baseball team and Palin became Eddie Gaedel whom Veeck hired to play for the Browns in 1951.

A 26 year old midget, wearing elf shoes, the number 1/8, and standing only 3’7” tall, Gaedel had one at bat. He walked, and was then replaced by a pinch runner.

Gov. Palin when on the national stage with the likes of Biden, Obama, McCain, Romney, and others, appears to be that same midget wearing elf shoes.

For much the same reason Veeck hired Gaedel, McCain hired Palin because she was a novelty.

And, I guess that is why I still follow the trials and tribulations of Palin. She’s a novelty. (And unintentionally funny)

Unfortunately, while Veeck, Gaedel, and McCain understood that a novelty is a short-lived and often, singular point in time, Palin does not.

From here on out and especially in 2012 the GOP cannot afford (not that I care) to have a pinch hitting midget stepping into the batter’s box against the hard throwing southpaw that is the Obama political machine.

The GOP needs a bona fide major leaguer who can swing at the fences with authority and hit left handed pitching…And, it ain’t Palin.

Cheers!!

Obama and Iran: Less Is More

I was on hiatus...But I couldn't help myself. I'm pissed...

Okay, I have had it with the attacks on President Obama on this Iran thing.

Outraged Americans, specifically Republicans in Congress, are livid over the fact that Obama is not doing more to help the Iranian people cast aside the yoke of a repressive regime.

Two words for these empty headed, have no idea of geo-political history morons…

Blow Me!!

McCain (R-AZ): “Obama should be stronger!!” Lindsey Graham (R-SC): “He is timid and passive!!” And the best:

Mike Coffman (R-CO): (and I paraphrase…but not much) “Duhhhh, I dunno, but the President should do something; it will help our country.”

For these walking, talking, play to the Neo-Con and AIPAC crowd, four more words…

Shut the Fuck Up!!

Maybe not so much Coffman, who strikes me as a complete and utter bonehead…

But the likes of McCain and Graham are lying through their teeth if they think Obama is not striking the correct chord on this issue…well, unless they’ve lost their minds.

The worst thing that America could do right now, is say that we will vociferously support this leaderless band of protestors.

The United States cannot, at this point, interject itself into a nascent revolution that dwells within a country that has a less than a happy face history with our nation.

Lessee…Iran had a freely elected government in 1953 and then we initiated a coup that toppled it and replaced that government with the ever-loving, man-of-his-people, Shah of Iran.

We funded his brutal SAVAK goon squad, who mercilessly quelled dissent among the Iranian population as he fed us oil and regional camaraderie through the term of several America Presidents, until in ’79, he was overthrown by the Khomeini and the Islamic Revolution.

And then, to add insult to injury, we supplied Saddam Hussein and Iraq during the Iran/Iraq War!!

Yeah, Iranians just love it when America gets involved in their politics. Our backing of any reformer who would step forward in Iran right now, would be his kiss of death.

Many Iranians certainly want more freedoms, as they should have, but they do not want to necessarily rid themselves of all theocracy, and especially rid themselves of it at the hands of the once-again intruding Americans.

In all likelihood, the Iranians calling for reforms are more than happy placing their future, not in the hands of a U.S. style of democracy, but in the hands of a man named, Akbar Rasfanjani…a powerful, more pragmatic cleric, but a cleric, nonetheless.

Are we going to back him publicly and give him the kiss of death as well? Huh? Are we McCain? Are we Graham?

Save your partisanship for other issues and think about the future of the world with a free and nuke free Iran, not about scoring points by feeding your right wing constituency the red meat of another military expedition.

It’s time to grow up and realize something important. The world does not always revolve around the United States and what we want.

Sometimes, we are in orbit with and around what is best for other nations and the world.

Obama recognizes that fact, so in this case he isn't acting like, as some mockingly call him, The Messiah; President Obama is acting more like Copernicus.

Cheers!!

Election Day Minus One: Decisions, Decisions...

One day left…

In less than 24 hours, polls will be opening up across the country.

From the Atlantic to the Pacific…from Albany to Zanesville.

Americans will make a choice between Barack “I Had Tons of Cash To Spend On this Election” Obama and John “I Sure the Fuck Wish I Had the Money That Obama Had” McCain.

I, of course, will be casting my vote bright and early tomorrow at 6:30 A.M., (Okay, it will be dark and early, but you know what I mean.) and I will be voting for Obama/Biden.

I did not come to my choice lightly. I like many of you, have based my vote on differences in economic, foreign, energy, and other policy stances. I also studied the character and personality factors of the two.

I kept coming back to Obama every time except for one issue…

The Comedy Issue.

If Johnny Mac pulls this election out, while upset at the prospect of him and Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin seizing the Executive powers...

The antics of those two would dump a shit load of comedic gold smack dab in the middle of my lap.

Obama…not funny. Johnny Mac…funny. Biden…Can be amusing. Palin…Can’t be anything BUT amusing.

Trust me folks, with all of the upside I saw in Obama, I struggled mightily over letting my vote rest on four years of McCain/Palin punch lines, amusing vignettes, and downright Oval Office hilarity.

How could I not? I can hear McCain calling Speaker Pelosi, much like he did to his wife Cindy, a cunt.

Madcap humor will ensue if God forbid, a Vice-President Palin were to become fat and disfigured due to an accident.

Much like he did in the same circumstances with his first wife, Prez Mac would have her resign quicker than the sex life of a fruit fly.

I could write about when he hosts somebody like, Chancellor Merkel of Germany and the State dinner takes place at 4 in the afternoon, and consists of minute steak, creamed corn, and tapioca.

Oh Johnny, watching your attempt to raise your arm to take the oath of office would be a frickin’ hoot. And Sarah? Oh holy baby Jeebus, Sarah…a virtual laugh factory.

I can picture her getting sent to Morocco to attend the funeral of Prime Minister Driss Jettou, and saying…

“On behalf of the United States of America, I want to say Godspeed to Driss THE Prime Minister. Driss Six-Teabag, God loves ya and so do I.”

I can also imagine her using her role as “being in charge of the Senate” to strong-arm Senators into naming her Chairwoman of the Homecoming Committee.

I swear folks, this kind of comedic enticement was hard to disassociate from my candidate selection process.

I think I have made the right choice in Obama, in spite of the allure of the jokes that could be had. Oh there was one other enticement to vote for McCain that I had to fight off as well…

Meghan McCain…


Wow, are those some nice fun bags or what? You Betcha!! Purrrrrrrrrrrr.

Cheers!!

NOTE: I won a contest over at funny man, VE’s site. My reward? He had to do anything that I asked of him. I asked him to take me out for dinner and dancing in Seoul, South Korea. He is posting about our night out today. It will be posted at 10 A.M. EST/7 A.M. PST.

Please stop by VE’s Fantastical Nonsense today, because knowing him, the story will be funnier than hell.

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Benediction of the Ballot Box

It’s a partly cloudy and unusually warm for November Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And…there are but a mere 48 hours until we elect our next President.

Will it be Barack “Lobes-a-Licious” Obama or John “Early Bird Special” McCain?

Will the polls hold true for the O-Man, or will complacency among his supporters and some type of deus ex machina snatch victory from the jaws of defeat for Johnny Mac?

Interesting times, my Bagwine friends, interesting indeed.

I will be manning the beer sales from 11-7 today, so perhaps I will conduct my own informal poll.

On second thought, that might disrupt alcohol purchases, as well as being an affront to the Sabbath.

As you can tell by the picture, I received my pre-Election Day head shaving yesterday in the first step of preparation for this historic election.

Schmoop and I are all ready for our trip to the polls on Tuesday. We are going to leave the digs at 6 A.M. and head to our voting site so we are in line when the doors open at 6:30 A.M.

After that, it’s back to the Bagwine abode where I shall make an Election Day breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs with peppers and cheese, heavily buttered toast, hash rounds, and…BACON!! Mmmmm, bacon.

After that, Schmoop will go to work and I will have the hot babe from next door over, and punch her chad a few times before I do a brief 4 hour stint at work myself on Tuesday evening. I’ll be back at 9 or so…so I’ll catch most of the returns.

And there you have it…my election day plans.

I don’t know what your plans are for Tuesday, but Holy Baby Jeebus, I hope your day includes taking the time to vote, if you haven’t already done so.

Even if you are undecided about the Presidential race, or aren’t thrilled with either candidate…I’m sure there is some race or some issue on your ballot that deserves your attention.

Amen, and Amen.

And now, in honor of the ginormously important event taking place on November 4, I give you Simon and Garfunkle singing, American Tune.

Cheers!!

Tales from the Communist Crypt

Four days folks…

A mere 96 hours until the mud slinging, Palin bashing, and over the top lies come to an end.

In other words, after Tuesday, the fun comes to an end and I will have to find something else with which to amuse myself.

I’m posting this very late today because yesterday I was off all day and was home alone with nothing but my computer, a case of cold beer and two fifths of Rose.

Not a good combo.

This morning I know how Obama and McCain must feel from traveling back and forth to all of their campaign stops over the past few months.

However, I managed to experience the exhaustion, strain, and mental duress of it all in a 24 hour period.

I did have an interesting dream that was no doubt brought on by my alcohol consumption and the frozen pizza that I ate last night.

I was working on a collective wheat farm in the Ukraine with several of my agriculture comrades.

As we were preparing to break for a lunch of boiled potatoes and ox tail soup, a figure appeared on the horizon.

It was a chiseled, overly muscular, scythe wielding John McCain perched atop a giant, fire breathing yak.

It was as though he was the Grim Reaper, Joe McCarthy, and Paul Bunyan rolled into one.

With the speed and fury greater than that of a Wall St. bailout, he stormed down the hill towards us.

Laughing maniacally, he began whacking the heads off from the bodies of my co-workers.

With each blood curdling scream from the soon-to-be decapitated, he screamed, “Karl Marx was a fag!!”

As the Mac-Man neared me, he raised his scythe and stared me down. His eyes filled with more rage than that of Rosie O’Donnell’s hoo-ha.

Just then, I pulled out a glass of Metamucil, a Fiber One bar, and held them out.

He pulled on the reins of his mighty, fire breathing yak, halting her charge by saying, "Whoa, Sarah, Whoa."

He dismounted, and looked at me…first with a sneer, then with a smirk, consumed my peace offering and said…

“Thanks Matt-Man, I needed that.”

And that folks, was that.

Have a lovely Friday all, and Happy Halloween.

Cheers!!

A Question of Balance

Five days folks…

A mere 120 hours to go before we find out which Presidential campaign will wind up moody and blue.

Will Obama blow his lead and lose, or will he turn out to be the good boy who deserved favor?

Can McCain make a comeback and win, or will we see that the days of his future have passed?

So many questions, so little time to inject more Moody Blues references into the campaign.

In between Moody Blues tunes running through my head, I had a couple of thoughts about Johnny Mac last night…

You may have heard that McCain staffers have been referring to Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin, as a rogue, a diva, and my favorite…a whack job.

Why did they pick her then? Was it as I said the day that it was announced, that she was nothing more than a gimmick in order to get elected?

If so, was Johnny Mac really putting the country first? Or was he simply hoping to hang out with a cool chick so he could get invited to all the primo parties?

I also thought to myself…

John McCain has attacked Obama for not being as experienced in military affairs as Mac. That’s true.

Obama hasn’t experienced crashing a half dozen fighter jets into electrical wires and the such as Mac-Man, but look at it as a cost savings measure.

Mac-Man then turned his attention to trying to slam the O-Man for drawing huge crowds on his world tour, going as far as comparing him to Paris Hilton.

Johnny…dude, I slept with Paris Hilton…I contracted VD from Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton was a ho of mine. Barack Obama is no Paris Hilton.

After that escapade and the aforementioned VP pick, Johnny and his well dressed moose hunter attacked Obama for being best friends forever with Bill Ayers.

After that, the financial crisis and the Wall St. buyout set in and Johnny Mac suspended his campaign, and then he didn’t...

And then he called for the firing of the SEC Chairman. And then, Mac voted in favor of bailing out the fat cats.

And then, we were back to Bill Ayers. And then (yeah, I’m getting winded too) McCain who helped to redistribute the wealth to those Wall Streeters, called Obama, a redistributor of wealth.

And now, he calls a Obama a socialist, a Marxist, and he also goes back to where he started and again says that Obama lacks experience.

Are you as dizzy as me? I may fall down…or throw up…or fall down AND throw up.

I guess the point is, is that McCain has been the Chief Executive Officer of his campaign, and where has it gotten him?

Back to using the same, old, tired lines that he used at the beginning of it.

If he is allowed to run this country like he has run his campaign, this country will have no direction and will be rehashing and employing the same old tired Bush policies as well.

And if that happens, the old Moody Blues album title, On the Threshold of a Dream will become just that. On the threshold, and never realized.

Cheers!!

Countdown to Maturity

Six days folks…Less than a week…

A mere 144 hours until the McCain and Obama campaigns refrain from talking and turn the podium of the voting booth over to you and I.

We not only get to send a message as to whom we would like to govern this great land, but also send a message to the rest of the world…

And more importantly, to ourselves.

In the aftermath of the tragic events of September 11, 2001, we as a country united. We shared a common grief, a common confusion, a common outrage.

And then…

President Bush led us into an unnecessary war in Iraq, and paid for it by borrowing money from an oppressive government comprised of Chinese thugs.

Division among Americans became wide, deep, and often personal.

The unity that had been born from tragedy, fractured and dissipated like splinters in the wind.

Much like kids on a playground we let that unity of purpose go by the wayside. We formed our own cliques, picked up our toys, and headed home for supper…for seven years.

Now, here we are…A mere 144 hours away from electing a new President.

I am voting for Obama. He wasn’t my first choice, but over the course of the last couple of months, he has become my only choice.

I see him not only as a man who is thoughtful, curious, and hopeful. I see him (and in him) as a 232 year old America reaching maturity…

An America who after a history of legalized slavery, the disenfranchisement of women, and the quiet (and not so quiet) hate and bias towards different ethnicities after 9/11, even among her own citizens…has finally grown up.

In spite of the incredulous lies that he is a Marxist, a Muslim, a non-citizen that are spread about him, for once, many voters are saying, “Shut the hell up!! Will he try with everything he has to move us forward?”

I am confident that he will try. I am confident that Obama, more than John McCain, will put country first. And more importantly…

After our history and the anti-Muslim, Arab hatred that some Americans displayed after the attacks on 9/11, an election of a black President with the name of Barack Hussein Obama sticks every painful bit of rubble of the World Trade Center right back into the jaded eye of Bin-Laden and others like him.

I leave you with this.

As Obama is being referred to by McCain/Palin as a Marxist, I think I can sum things up with a quote from Karl Marx.

“History repeats itself…First as tragedy, second as farce.”

The Bush administration has been the tragedy, a McCain/Palin administration would be the farce.

I for one, do not want to see Marx’s words become a reality…once again.

Cheers!!

People in Glass Igloos Shouldn't Throw Snowballs

Seven days folks…

A mere 168 hours of campaigning and this election will be in your hands.

I have some grave concerns about Sen. Barack Obama.

I hear from Sarah "Lame and Tall" Palin that he has spent time “pallin’ around with terrorists.”

Specifically, William Ayers…that convicted felon from the Weather Underground who hosted a meet and greet for Obama as well as donating a whopping $200.00 to Obama’s State Senate campaign.

Of course, the convicted felon part is not true of Ayers, but nonetheless, those deep ties of cookies, coffee, and two Ben Franklin’s are pretty hard to swallow.

But then, I thought about the Johnny Mac/Divine Sarah ticket…

Now back in the 80’s, John McCain was pallin’ around with Cincinnati, Ohio native Charles Keating.

Through his Lincoln Savings and Loan, Keating defrauded 23,000 people out of their life savings by selling to them, 288 million dollars in bonds...Worthless bonds.

Convicted of fraud, racketeering, and conspiracy, Keating spent over four years in prison. Damn Johnny, your 80’s buddy was not a good guy…and he WAS convicted.

Funny thing about Keating. His son-in-law was busted over this as well, and served forty months in prison. His name?

Robert M. Wurzelbacher, Jr. Why is this funny?

Well, I can’t find if anyone has mentioned this but, right wing media darling Joe the Plumber’s real name?

Sam Wurzelbacher. Ha!! Coincidence? Does it matter?

I believe that Joe the Plumber is related to the crook, and if I believe it, it’s not a lie.

Johnny Mac, my friend, I wish you would refrain from continuing to pal around with felons and their family members.

Now The Divine Mizz P? A few years ago she was a board member of a 527 political group started by Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK).

In 2006, she gladly accepted his endorsement for her gubernatorial run in Alaska. In fact, in the following campaign commercial, she is drunk with Hockey Mom giddiness as Sen. Ted “The Felon” Stevens endorses her…

Well, Gov. Palin, Sen. Teddy Bear was convicted yesterday on seven counts of corruption and lying. All felonies, babe.

You have been pallin’ around with an octogenarian Senator who accepted a quarter of a million dollars of free, yet criminal, home redecorating courtesy of VECO Corp.

Did you two relax in Ted’s free hot tub? Did you nosh on Alaskan King Crab and Champers on his free wrap around porch? Did you two kids turn up the heat on top of his shiny, new, FREE Viking stove?

I think you did, you know why? Because I believe it.

Man, is guilt by association one bad-ass bitch, or what? You Betcha!!

Cheers!!

C'mon Get Happy!!

Well yesterday was certainly fun here at Bagwine Ruminations.

I was a bit surprised by some of your hurtful and malicious comments towards others. I am so glad that I was able, to once again, stay above the fray.

I for one, refuse to be dragged down into the mud and launch into political propaganda and invectives. I like to remain clean and articulate.

I swear; you guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

However, I am more than willing to forgive you all, so consider yourselves exculpated. (Hey Hoot, that means forgiven, cleared, absolved etc.)

Anyhoo, I am going to display a much lighter, carefree attitude today. I am off for the next three days and wish not to spend the time carrying around a heavy heart.

So, no cheap McCain jokes today. I will leave Johnny Mac alone. I don’t even know why I pick on him so.

I mean, what’s not to like about the grandfatherly Senator? He’s seems like he would be fun to sit down with and engage in a rousing game of pinochle or dominos.

Perhaps, mosey over to the assisted living complex dining room with him after our game and grab the early bird special.

And then, share a joke, a handshake, and still make it into bed for a good night’s sleep prior to the six o’clock news coming on.

But, still…I just can’t vote for the guy. I wasn’t sure why, but then Schmoop put her finger on it the other day.

Schmoop in her folksy, yet esoteric way said, “I will never vote for a Presidential candidate who is unable to High-Five me.”

Beauty and Brains…Her statement erased any doubts that I had, and put me squarely into the Obama camp. High-Five, Schmoop, High-Five.

So with that, I must ready myself for the impending visit of Micky-T. I wish him safe travels and shall see him later today.

But before I go, and in keeping with my light-hearted mood, I leave you with a bouncy little ditty by the Irish Rovers…Lily the Pink.

Have a great day all…

Cheers!!

Yo Vinny...I Just Heard a Hoot!!

Yowza…This Presidential election is really heating up and igniting a fire under some folks.

I predicted a couple of weeks ago that it was a distinct possibility that Johnny Mac’s head may explode into a puddle of anger goo by November 4.

Little did I know that there may be many other heads doing the same.

I tell ya, come November 5th, if Obama wins, wear your hip-waders to work, ‘cause the streets and sidewalks will be a sea of gooey brain muck. Ick.

An example of this frenzy was introduced to me through reading longtime Bagwine fave Vinny of, Bond’s Big Leather Couch.

Seems Vin didn’t appreciate the fringe right hate speech taking place on Sarge Charlie’s blog, and so, staying true to himself, The Vin-Meister deleted Sarge Charlie’s site from his blog roll.

Vin, Vin, Vin…c’mon man. What’s a little hate speech amongst friends?

I did some investigating to see what precipitated this action. Mainly because, I love to fan the flames of incendiary situations find the truth.

Now, ol’ Charlie is a Vietnam vet, right wing ideologue, and rabid McCain supporter.

Over the last couple of days, his posts have trashed Obama, Biden, Colin Powell, and anyone who doesn’t think the way Charlie does.

Well that’s cool…

I mean it’s his blog and he’s damn well entitled to say whatever the hell he wants. I guess Vinny was simply not kosher with the tone and tenor of the attacks by Charlie and some of those who commented.

Things like…Powell is an Uncle Tom. A vote for Obama is a vote for Al-Qaida. Blah, blah Bill Ayres…Blah, blah Powell is a Liberal. Hmmm, yeah Powell is wayyyyyy on the left.

The overriding tone was that Obama is a Muslim-Lovin’ idiot and if you vote for him you are Un-American, and well, an idiot.

Another good comment I recently came across was a comment that said that Sarah “The Vice-President is in Charge of the Senate” Palin is a much better choice than Joe “As Soon as I get my Foot Out of my Mouth, I’m Gonna Stick it Up Your Ass” Biden.

Now that’s funny…The comment, not the nicknames.

In spite of the hyperbolic, satirical offerings that I pen, I love political discourse. It’s one of the things in life I enjoy most. I live to debate, to foster dialogue, and I revel in the back and forth…

Especially when it’s intelligent. Much of what Vinny read, in my opinion, was not intelligent at all.

One blogger who was making comments on Charlie’s blog, and later commented on my Monday post is named, Hoot Gibson.

His name is perfect, because he is indeed, a hoot. I hate to say it, but the guy is much funnier than I am.

Although, I am guessing his humor is unintentional. Hoot authors the blog, American Babylon.

Now good ol’ Hoot, wants to set off a nuclear bomb in Mosul, and then do the same in Iran. He calls all Muslims, “non bathing sonsabitches”. He calls Vinny and I, “Communist sissies.”

I find his stereotypical, let’s bomb the country that we just saved using billions in Chinese cash, an irreverent style of edgy comedy.

The biggest laugh comes where on his site, he claims to be some kind of born again Christian, tough guy. Ha.

Somebody order more thread ‘cause Hoot Gibson keeps me in stitches.

Oh, one thing Hoot…In your profile, you say that your favorite book in the Bible is, The Book of Revelations.

It is actually called the, Book of Revelation. I thought maybe a saved, Christian man such as yourself might want to get that right. Hey, I’m here to help.

And Hoot, one other thing…you really aren’t the Christian tough guy you think you are…

You are a, self-loathing, frightened by others who aren’t like you, un-Christian pussy.

But, you still make me laugh.

Use the blue links above, to visit any of the bloggers that I mentioned in the post. I hope you do.

No matter your politics, it will certainly be entertaining!!

Cheers!!

Update: I just realized while perusing Hoot "Muslim-Hater" Gibson's profile that he lives in ISLAMorada, FL. I can't believe he hasn't moved. Man, irony is one funny bitch.

The Right Wing Says: Damn, Niggah is Thickah Than Party

Ha. Colin Powell endorsed Sen. Barack Obama for President.

I find this so damn funny, not because I think endorsements make a huge difference, but this one will have an impact because of the right wing reaction to it.

I am not talking about “normal thinking” Republicans (yes, there are some out there), but I am talking about the right wing fringe.

And man…these snakes are showing their colors, and their poison…quickly, loudly, and vehemently.

I got home late last night , and I was so excited to listen to Vietnam dodger and talk show radio host, Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW-AM.

Willie, as he’s known, has a large audience…And this man, who calls himself, The Voice of the Common Man is livid over the endorsement.

Willie, was saying that Powell owes everything to the Republican Party.

His career…his prominence, and it’s a damn shame that the General has backed a terrorist, and double-crossed the GOP.

Well ya know what, Willie? Sen. Joe Lieberman rose to power with the strength of the money and the machine of the Democrat party.

Yet, Jerusalem Joe has given the Dem party the big ol’ F-U, just so that he can insure that his career on the backs of the taxpayer continues, and...

That his first patriotic love, the State of Israel, still stands gazing down upon the dirt roads, poverty, and hovels of the Palestinian State.

Joe, the jig is up…We all know that you would rather have the capital of the U.S. reside in Jerusalem, and not Washington, D.C.

How’s that for hyperbole? Well it’s on Cunningham’s level. Only mine isn’t filled with hate and I don’t have the mindless audience that he has that would agree with me.

The first caller (an ex-military guy) that I heard on Cunningham's show last night said that he couldn’t believe that, “Race trumps substance.” He was speaking of Powell’s endorsement of Obama.

After the caller and Willie had phone sex over the issue, Willie once again, went on an anti-Powell rant.

And it was funny…Willie who is also a lawyer of some success, implied that Powell was endorsing Obama because of race.

Cunningham said that it was a travesty because Powell should have endorsed McCain because they were both soldiers.

Huh? Wouldn’t that be the same endorsement by association that Cunningham is eschewing? Hey Cunningham, for a lawyer you ain’t so cunning.

On a similar note, FOX News began spinning this 1,001 Ways to Sunday since the news broke, and will be doing so today…

Powell wants a position…Powell wanted to be McCain’s VP…Powell is sticking with his “homey”.

You guys all suck. Powell is still a Republican. He’s still the man he was yesterday. He’s still a thoughtful man.

The only difference is that he doesn’t walk in lockstep with the GOP.

Powell said that he likes Obama’s calm, cool, thoughtfulness. He doesn’t like the Palin choice. He doesn’t like the negative ads from McCain.

I understand that the right wing of the GOP doesn’t like people deviating from the lockstep, because if one does; they may all fall down.

And the irony is?

You have an alleged bi-partisan Maverick as a candidate, and yet you guys obviously hate self-thinkers…

Ha, and I thought the Democrats were the ones who ate their own.

Cheers!!

Update: I want to apologize to Fox and Friends...This morning the self-proclaimed, "Official Morning Show of the 2008 Election" has decided not to talk much about the Powell endorsement.

They are ignoring it in order to talk about Barack's murky fundraising and the new Lynne Spears book. Oh they mention the endorsement a bit and ask, "Did race play a part in the endorsement? What does Rush Limbaugh think?" Cue, drug boy!!

Saturdays With Sarah: She's a Brick Igloo

I had a dream last night. It was a bit disturbing.

I dreamt that I was half-drunk, fully naked, and in bed with Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

Her hair was down, and as she lay over me, gazing down upon me, her silky tresses caressed my face.

She smiled at me as her sharp, painted finger nails ran up and down my cheek.

My Bagwine soaked shaft was becoming engorged with fluids and an unnatural lust for the right-wing Eski-Ho.

Her pillow talk about abuse of power, Russians on her front porch, and applying moose piss to her body to attract the giant beasts when hunting was making me hot.

My mind screamed, “Matt-Man, don’t do it…She’s an idiot…A moron…A Republican!!”

But my friends, it was too late. My mental faculties had been numbed by the crazy, koo-koo, Arctic aphrodisiac that she exuded.

I wanted her. I had to have Sarah.

I said to her that we should get it on, and asked her to lay on her back. She smiled and said, “No, Matt-Man.”

As I began to plead with her, she put her finger to my lips, and whispered, “Shhhhhhh.”

She positioned her body on all fours upon the bed.

Completely naked except for her thigh-high mukluks and her Aleutian ass facing me, she looked back at me and said, “I wanna do it sled doggy style, Matt-Man.”

I said, “Wow. You are a maverick.” She winked and replied, “You betcha.”

Just then, somewhere, somebody, cued up the song, Barracuda.

As it blasted through the room, I was humping the aft of the Good Ship Sarah with the fury of a harpoon going through a huge, wet, whale.

She moaned, but that was not all that I heard. I could hear another voice.

It was an innocuous voice shouting out commands. Commands such as…

Hips to the left, Sarah!!…Moan now, Sarah!!…Tell him he’s all that, Sarah!!...Scream, Dear God I’m cumming, Sarah!!

To which she screamed, “Dear God, I’m coming Sarah!!”

I realized then, that something nefarious was afoot.

I withdrew the Matt-Meat from her melting tundra, turned, and I saw, standing in the corner…

Rick Davis, John McCain’s campaign manager.

Davis had been scripting and handling Palin’s every erotic move.

Even in bed, Palin is not to be trusted to perform on her own. Even in my dreams, she is still a moron.

I’m working ALL FRICKING day today, but I hope that you all enjoy your Saturday.

Until the ‘morrow…

Cheers!!

October 15th: A Non-Day...Or is It?

October 15th…It really doesn’t conjure up anything exciting, does it?

It’s not like other days in October such as Halloween on the 31st…Thanksgiving Day in Canada this past October 13th …and my son’s birthday which falls next week on the 24th.

It’s as though we should just skip October 15th.

October 15th is to me, a non-day…Or is it?

I had my crack staff research this day in history, and to see if there are any special observances taking place today.

Well, slap me on the ass and call me Sally. October 15th is butt cheek deep in Gregorian calendar grandeur.

On this day in 1917, the sexy, leggy, World War I German spy, Mata Hari was executed by a French firing squad. I think the big news here is that the French soldiers actually hit her.

October 15, 1935 Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie called for a Holy War against Mussolini’s Italian army that had seized the city of Aksum. In spite of their drunkenness and themselves, the Italians remained in control of the country.

October 15th wasn’t a good day for rotund, cross-dressing Nazi, Hermann Goering. On this day in 1946, he committed “suicide” rather than being hung the next day.

Actually, Goering was eating his last meal which consisted of a side of beef, wiener schnitzel, and three dozen potato pancakes.

The pantyhose, girdle, and bra that he was wearing became so tight that his breathing and circulation shut down.

I guess that due to the nature of Goering’s demise, October 15th should also be known as Auto-Erotic Self Asphyxiation Day.

There are a few birthdays today as well. Sarah Ferguson, former Duchess of York. Penny Marshall, former brewery worker.

And of course, Richard Carpenter, who unlike his late sister Karen, remains un-corpse like looking prior to his death.

There are a couple of observances going down today. October 15th is White Cane Safety Day…If you’re blind and are reading this, make sure that your cane is sturdy and true.

Funny thing is…October 8th was World Sight Day. Hey blind folks!! WTF? You want October all to your sightless selves or what? Some of us would like to see the pretty fall foliage, dammit…so back off.

I found this next observance quite fascinating…

Today, my friends, is National Grouch Day. So have at it bitches, and piss a few people off. It’s your day.

Finally, tonight marks the third and final debate between Barack “Had Sex with Bill Ayres” Obama and John “I Got Nothin’, but I was a POW, You Ungrateful Motherfuckers” McCain.

For many Americans, knowing that this is the final debate may be the highlight of the day because it means the campaigning is coming to an end.

No matter your politics, I hope you all watch and listen.

One programming note…Tomorrow is my only day off for awhile, so I am going to make it special. Tomorrow’s post will be, Ask the Matt-Man.

I will field any and all questions that you may have for me in the comments section, in near real time.

So think of a question for me, but don’t ask me until tomorrow’s post. It can be personal, sexual, political, or religional. Anything at all.

Enjoy your October 15th, make it as special as it appears to be.

Cheers!!

Going, Going, Gone!!

I hate to bore you with politics (Hey, we only have three weeks left), but I am feeling a bit confused.

Not confused that I that I don’t know what is going on around me, but rather, my humor is a bit sapped for the moment.

I rarely get bitter about politics. I have worked in it, off and on for years, and have always been a bit unemotional about the workings of the science…and the art.

I have made a point about not being a big fan of Obama. I was first a Biden supporter, and when he dropped out; a Hillary supporter.

But..

While my vote for Obama was never in question after the primaries were settled, I will now vote for him with vigor. And here’s why…

Senator Obama, and in an interview with my man-crush Joe Biden that I saw last night, shows that they are thinking about governing.

Not in a sense that they are thinking about what it would be like to merely win the White House, but rather, how would they lead our nation.

What should I expect from the Palin/McCain ticket?

Ethics violations from which Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin exonerates herself?

Claims by McCain that Obama is a good and decent man while he runs ads saying Obama lacks judgment and is associated with terrorists?

Should I expect Pastor Arnold Conrad to give an invocation at a McCain rally in Iowa to say that Christians should pray hard that the other Gods not defeat our Christian God, who of course, is greater.

Electing Mccain will show that the Gods of the Hindus, Muslims, and whatever, are inferior to our God.

(Render to Caesar what is Caesar’s…Eh, Pastor Dickhead? Guess not, pig fornicator.)

No, I don’t think that’s what I, or any other American who is worrying about whether there is food on the table or more importantly a job to go to next week should expect.

I want…I demand, an overtly powerful attempt to get this country back on track. I think that with Obama/Biden, should they fall flat on their face or not, I will get that.

Is Obama vague? Yeah, he can be.

But one thing Obama has, is cool, calm, confidence. He’s not full of hate, desperation, and, unlike McCain, doesn’t harbor the feeling of wanton political greed.

In addition to that, Obama has Joe Biden. What does John McCain have? Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin.

And let me remind you of an old proverb, Gov. Palin…

"Jade that is not chiseled cannot become a gem."

You, Palin, are not a gem. You are not a maverick. You are an ambitious person, who hasn’t a clue about me, Joe-Six Pack, or more importantly, how to run the greatest country on Earth.

And Senator McCain, we both know it’s not “Country First” with you. It’s become, a ghost hunt...

A ghost hunt in search of your past greatness, or more accurately, what you perceive to have been your greatness.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Off Schedule

It’s a sunny and unusually warm Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

The temp on this mid-October Sabbath will top out at 82 degrees. Yowza.

Unfortunately I will be working 11-7 today, so my fun will be selling potent potables on this Columbus Day Eve.

I am working during the day tomorrow, so catching up will all of you chuckleheads is going to be difficult.

It is going to be even more difficult sneaking in a sex session with the Schmoopster. Holy Baby Jeebus, life for the Matt-Man is hard.

Only 23 days until election day…I am giving 2-1 odds that prior to November 4th, John McCain’s head will explode into a puddle of anger goo.

As tomorrow is Columbus Day, I will be observing it tonight by picking up a Dominican babe, and passing my syphilis on to her. I am selfless.

I was thinking…If someone like Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin is a born again Christian, why is it that she bears false witness against Senator Obama on a daily basis?

I guess we all fall in short in the eyes of God at times, but Palin has demonstrated that she oft times falls short of being a human being.

Amen, and Amen…

As I told you the other day I was thinking about cleaning out my closet. Well folks, believe it or not, I actually followed through on something for once.

Behold!!

Before...



After...


Have a great Sunday, all. I'll see ya...well...at some point.

Cheers!!

Saturdays With Sarah: Ethically Challenged? You Betcha!!

It seems that Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin and her husband, Todd “First Dud” Palin don’t like folk messin’ with their family members.

An Alaska legislative panel, in a report released late yesterday, found that Gov. Palin abused her power and violated a section of the Alaska Executive Branch Ethics Act.

Seems Palin’s husband, Todd-Boy, was running amok within the governor’s office using her advisers and other information in an attempt to get a state trooper, Mike Wooten, fired.

The state tropper in question was engaged in a bitter divorce with Gov. Palin’s sister.

Enter, Public Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan.

He was fired by Gov. Palin “over a budget issue”. The investigation found that a major contributing factor in Monegan’s termination was his failing to fire the aforementioned Mike Wooten.

I quote from Matt Apuzzo of the Associated Press:

Sarah Palin unlawfully abused her power as governor by trying to have her former brother-in-law fired as a state trooper, the chief investigator of an Alaska legislative panel concluded Friday. .

Investigator Stephen Branchflower, in a report by a bipartisan panel that investigated the matter, found Palin in violation of a state ethics law that prohibits public officials from using their office for personal gain…

The investigation revealed that Palin's husband, Todd, has extraordinary access to the governor's office and her closest advisers. He used that access to try to get trooper Mike Wooten fired, the report found.

Branchflower faulted Sarah Palin for taking no action to stop that. He also noted there is evidence the governor herself participated in the effort.

What does this all mean? Two things...

Number one, it means that next week the Palin/McCain ticket will be calling Obama a gay, Kenyan Nazi terrorist who eats babies, steals from his grandmother, and wipes his ass with pictures of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And number two?…Sarah Palin is indeed a maverick. After all, mavericks don’t follow the rules, right?

You Betcha!!

Lastly, before I spend the day catching up with all of you fine folks…

Real Live Lesbian, the sultry southern babe that turns me on every day, turned me onto something else...

A site where my Presidential campaign is the "lead story."

I couldn’t embed it, but click on the link below and have a laugh...It's a short video.

It takes a second or two to load but wait, and then hit the play button. Click HERE to view. Thanks Hot Stuff!!

Have a great Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

Two Heads Are Worse Than One

I have made no secret that I am not a huge fan of Obama.

I have and will always will, had a man-crush on Joe Biden…and, after he dropped out of the Presidential race, I voted in the Ohio primary for Hillary.

Obama, to me, is a smooth talker (which I do appreciate), but is a master of vagaries.

I don’t doubt his love of country, like some right wingers do, I just wonder if he has the balls to change things.

With that being said, I have a bit of an anti-McCain rant to level…

As a former campaign manager for local and statewide political campaigns, I have one rule that isn’t exclusive to my own thinking.

If you are going to go negative…define yourself first.

Palin/McCain has yet to do that. In fact, they are now being defined by their own negativism.

It’s easy to throw around quick, pithy sound bites about Barack Obama “pallin’ around” with terrorists, in the case of Bill Ayres.

It’s fun to question Obama’s AMERICAN Christianity by espousing the less than virtuous teachings of Jeremiah Wright.

It’s politically expedient to question, Senator Obama’s patriotism.

All of these arguments are ignorantly visceral, inane, and desperate. Whose fault is this? McCain first, but a close second is the Evangelical Right.

The Republican Party has lost it’s heart and more ironically, it’s soul, to the right wing Evangelical demands of the party.

The crushing economic troubles of these days illuminate just how badly the Republican party doesn’t know how to deal with “real” issues such as staying in one’s house and putting food on the table.

The GOP has forgotten how to deal with these things because they have spent the last two decades wailing and gnashing their teeth over the possibility of two guys having marital relations and whether some 17 year old chick named Bristol might have an abortion.

Obama is not a Muslim (if that matters to you), he is not a raging Liberal (much like Clinton wasn’t), and he is not out to rape your white daughter or destroy your country...or burn your Bible.

He is merely a man running for President. Like him or not, he is not the devil; he’s not a terrorist and Sarah “Robot Bitch” Palin and John "McMake Things Up" McCain, Obama is just doing the same thing you are doing.

He’s trying to run for President.

The only difference is, that while you are calling him what he is not, he is trying NOT to say what you two are.

Cheers!!

P.S. Hey McCain, Palin, and surrogates, if you have any balls, tell Obama to his face that he's a black, Muslim, terrorist. I didn't think so...Pussies...

Death of a Politician

Well, the Obama/McCain debate last night yielded for me a couple of things.

McCain looks old. He sounds old. He seems sad and he strikes me the same.

Sad in the way seeing a once great 39 year old major league ball player who can no longer catch up with a high fastball, has slowed in his running, and can no longer turn the double play.

Much like many aging baseball players who see their time under the lights fading, Johnny Mac clings like grim death to his celebrity, sense of ego, and the idea that he can still hit the political home run.

I have in the past, called McCain, a mama’s boy…a bully. Bullies are actually, quite often cowards.

Last night after a weekend of attacks on Obama’s character using lies and distortions about Obama’s “ties” to William Ayres delivered by Sarah “Lame and Tall” Palin…

McCain passed on doing the same in last night’s debate. He chooses to hide behind Palin’s skirt and let her offer up the red meat to the electoral audience.

He knows what they have recently been saying about Obama is a series of lies, and when the bully goes head to head with somebody who might fight back to these lies…McCain backs down.

The worst thing is that when the campaigns hit the trail anew today, McCain and his femme fatale proxy will once again regurgitate the same lies.

“Go get ‘em Sarah!! Beat Obama up!!”, McCain will tell her. Palin will say, “You betcha, John.”

Another sad reality of this campaign. McCain didn’t turn to Palin because he thought she was qualified. He turned to her to help him get something that he so desperately wants.

He uses her…and because of ambition, she lets it happen. This entire situation leaves a bad taste in my mouth. And yes, kinda makes me sad.

I guess the most defining moment of the debate was when McCain was answering a question about a bill that had been voted upon.

McCain who disagreed with the bill, told the audience that he didn’t vote for it, but guess who did?

Pointing to Obama, the Mac-Man let us know who voted for the bill by saying, “That One.”

That One?

No, Barack? No, Obama? No, Senator? “That One” is how he referred to a man who may be the next President.

It was like watching the baseball player I mentioned that has been benched for a pinch hitter, and the player screams at the coach, “But it’s my turn to bat, it’s my turn, Coach“”

I write satire and make fun of McCain, but I don’t revel in this situation. It did make me a bit…well…icky.

McCain has reached a low point. He will say and use anyone to get elected, and yet says, that with him, "It's Country First”.

It may have been at one time in his life, but now…

It’s McCain First.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man: Representin'

Tonight, Barack “He’s a Terrorist” Obama and John “Early Bird Special” McCain will hold their second debate.

The battle royale takes place at Belmont University in Nashville, TN.

I refer to this oratorical smack down event as, The Music City Mutterings.

They will get to speak their peace (or is that, piece) tonight, so I thought I would take this time to speak mine.

Here is my position on Health Care that I would enact if elected to govern this nation.

The Matt-Man Health Care Initiative

Preventative, mental health, and medical care will be a right, and free to all Americans. How do I propose to pay for this expensive venture?

Simple…I will seek passage by Congress of a, Stupid Driver Tax.

Those who fail to merge correctly, don’t use their turn signals, pull out in front of other drivers and then go ten-fifteen mph below the posted speed limit will be taxed $20.00 per offense.

Even with that minor level of monetary taxation, that should be more than enough to cover the cost of my Health Care Plan.

Doctor’s visits?

From now on, the doctor will come to YOUR house to see you.

More importantly…the doctor will have to sit in your living room in the midst of sick, contagious people for at least ninety minutes prior to you coming out for your examination.

Breast and cervical exams will be provided by me, Matt-Man. I will fondle your fun bags with medical diligence.

As for the cervical exam, I will not use a cold, steely spatula…er…speculum. I will use the Matt-u-Lum; and I think we all know what that is.

President Matt-Man, at your cervix!!

For men, prostate exams, will be performed by the following…

For Liberals, Tyra Banks dressed in only thigh high stockings and a man’s dress shirt will be thrusting her digits up your ass.

For Moderates, it will be Jessica Alba sporting a bikini, who invades you.

For you Conservative dudes out there, your glory hole will be invaded courtesy of the fingers of Bea Arthur.

Sorry, no lubricant for you guys, and by the way, Maude will be in all her naked, octogenarian glory while checking you out.

As for the issue of stem cell research?

I will call for Dick Cheney to be dissected, his stems cells harvested, and we will find out what makes him such a major league asshole and correct the situation for generations to come.

Can you imagine a future without assholes? You're welcome.

Will I call for legalized medical marijuana? No. Why, you ask?

Because marijuana will be legal for anyone and everyone!!

Hey, just treat the stoners the same as drinkers when it comes to the law, tax their vice of choice the same, and Boo Yah!!…We’re makin’ money, America!!

What the hell, let’s take over financial control of the poppy crop in Afghanistan, and our nation can ride heroin production to financial freedom.

Take that OPEC and Red Fucking China!!!

So there you have some of my health care stances. I hope you find them insightful.

Enjoy the debate…or not. But one thing for sure…

Cheers!!

Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8 EDT. For Details Click HERE.

Saturdays With Sarah: Thinkin' 'n' Winkin' ; )

It’s time for our third installment of Saturdays with Sarah.

I have felt kinda bad about the way I have treated Sarah Palin.

I also think that that tenacious titan of television journalism, Katie Couric, was wrong by trying to suck any morsel of information out of Gov. Palin’s mind.

So, I have offered Sarah Palin the opportunity to talk directly with you all, and expose her true self.

I give you, an open letter from Gov. Sarah Palin…

My fellow Americans, Hockey Moms, and Bagwine Readers,

I’m Sarah Palin, and much like Sen. John McCain I am a mavurick. I am an outsyder, a mom, and I want to be your Vice-President.

Matt-Man asked me to write a letter to you all that dealt with my politicle positions, but…

Just like I said to the debate moderater on Thursday, I’m a only goin’ to deal with whatever the gosh durn I feel comfortable with. Sorry, Matt-Man. ; )

Katie Corric aksed me the other day if there were any Supreme Court decisions that I disagreed with. Of course there are. I was just kiddin’ ‘round with Katie. ; )

Marbury v. Madison…awful. Ed Scott v. Sandford…horrendous. Joe v. The Volcano. Unbelievable!!

Corric also asked me to name what newspapers and magazines I read. I declined to answer because I didn-- Well, because I, like John McCain, am a mavurick.

I read the New York Tymes…The National Review…and USA Today. That paper has such pretty colors and graffs and it’s just a lot of fun. Especially for a mavurick like me. ; )

I want to be responsible for change in Washington. Along with my fellow mavurick, John McCain, we can re-form our government.

We’ll consider the status quo to be a piece of origami, or sill putty, or um…one of those bendable straws. Us two mavuricks, will re-shape Washington.

Anyway, that’s what’s on my mind. Thanks for hearin’ me out. Thanks Matt-Man.

I hope all of you vote for me and McCain in Novimber. I’d really like that. ; )

Sin-Sarah-Lee ; )

Sarah.

I am so glad that I was able to breathe a little fairness into my political leanings. You are always welcome here Sarah.

Enjoy your Saturday folks…Hangin’ out with the little guy for awhile today. Have Fun.

Cheers!!