Your September 2008 Bagwine Whore-O-Scope

Aries
March 21 -April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

Contrary to conventional wisdom and Dean Wormer's advice, you find that you are quite comforatble going through life fat, drunk, and stupid.

Taurus
April 20 -May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Upon your arrest by French authorities, you are shocked to discover that taking a dump in the middle of the Louvre, is not considered great art, performance or otherwise.

Gemini
May 21 -June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

You find your supernatural ability to see and communicate with dead people to be far less cool after spending a six hour Greyhound bus ride sitting next to a whiny Richard Nixon.

Cancer
June 21 -July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

Screwing your girlfriend 'til she's "blue in the face" seemed like a hot idea, until you had sex with her in the back seat of your car with the engine running and the garage door down.

Leo
July 23 -August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

Your recipe for Poodle Stew and Beagles and Lox may win you 2nd Place in the 2008 Jewish-Korean cook-off in Seoul, but back home it earns you only scorn and cries of puppy-eater.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

Dying from skin cancer is a bummer, but rest eternally assured that your family is well taken care of after receiving 850,000 dollars by selling your Virgin Mary looking melanoma on eBay.

Libra
September 23 -October 22

Your ruling drink is Mogen-David (Mad Dog) 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

You have always known that a penny earned is a penny saved, but later in the month you will also find out how painful it is to be hit upside the head with a sock full of hot nickels.





Scorpio
October 23 -November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

Your liver transplant goes well until the new organ rejects you for being ungrateful and irritable.






Sagittarius
November 22 -December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A malt liquor with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

You discover that cardboard boxes don't make good tire jacks, unfortunately not soon enough to save your legs.





Capricorn
December 22 -January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish, you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.


You will discover both the beauty and the fury of Mother Nature simultaneously when a tree, in its colorful autumnal splendor, is toppled by a powerful gust of wind, crushing your torso.




Aquarius
January 20 -February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

Your campaign to promote Infant Mortality Awareness Month is admirable, but walking around town hooked up to an EKG monitor, sucking on a pacifier, and wearing only a diaper to bring attention to the problem will garner you little support.




Pisces
February 19 -March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

You make millions after creating and selling the first functional Voodoo Doll. You should have thought about that possibility prior to making them all in your own likeness.




I hope these prognostications will help to guide you.

I am sorry if my comments about the pregnancy of Bristol Palin raised the ire of some you yesterday.

I should have realized that Gov. Sarah Palin (R-Alaska), John McCain's VP selection, is actually helping to re-affirm one of her and her clan's characteristics.

By procreating and getting pregnant at the age of 17, daughter Bristol, is demonstrating that the Palins are definitely, Pro-Family.

I apologize for not seeing that. Oh, one last thing...

If elected as VP, I hear that Sarah's daughter, Bristol, will have the Secret Service code name, Eski-Ho.

Cheers!!

Your Last Half of August 2008 Bagwine Whore-O-Scope

Today marks the beginning of a new monthly installment on Bagwine Ruminations...Your Monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope ™.

I will once a month, decode the backwash of a bottle of various potables to render your monthly fortune; be it good or bad.

The potable that I read for you, depends on your sign, because each sign has a ruling Bagwine or one of its ugly cousins, such as a cheap Malt Liquor.

On this initial installment, you will not only get your Whore-O-Scope for the last half of August, you will also see what your ruling beverage is. Enjoy!!


Aries
March 21 -April 19

Your ruling drink is Thunderbird. A tongue discoloring wine with 17.5% alcohol, you get the New Year of the Zodiac, and life itself, kicked off with a battering and a hurl.

The soothing inner voices of your conscience become increasingly annoying when they start quoting lines from the movie, Titanic, in the voice of Stephen Hawking...I-i-i-i am-mmm Kin-in-in-ing of da Wor-or-orld-orld.



Taurus
April 20 -May 20

Your ruling drink is JOOSE. Full of Taurine, Caffeine, and 9.9% alcohol. You are a bull full of drunken energy. Much like JOOSE itself, you have an unpleasant smell.

Your family has a major problem that you refuse to deal with. The days of ignoring this 800 pound Gorilla in the room come to an end when the Gorilla kills you, rapes your spouse, and eats your kids.



Gemini
May 21 -June 20

Your ruling drink is Night Train Express. A “special” ingredient combined with 17.5% alcohol makes you a twin blend of frivolity and memory loss.

Although you will lose your car keys, you will find them in the FIRST place that you look, which is unfortunate because it will lead to a charge of drunk driving.



Cancer
June 21 -July 22

Your ruling drink is Sterno. While the alcohol content effect is unknown, drinking “Canned Heat” can often lead to death, much like your sign’s namesake.

You will win a lottery prize of 87.5 Million dollars, unfortunately the pay out will be in the form of pennies, nickels, and dimes.



Leo
July 23 -August 22

Your ruling drink is Hurricane High Gravity produced by Anheuser-Busch. At 8.1% alcohol, you can still remain coherent enough to lead the pride, while still roaring proudly…and obnoxiously.

After trying 16 brand new light bulbs in the living room lamp without success, you will finally realize that the problem lies within the lamp itself.



Virgo
August 23-September 22

Your ruling drink is Boone’s Farm. With types at 7.5% alcohol or less, you are a pussy, but hardly virginal. On the upside, the marginal alcohol content assures that you won’t sleep with the incredibly ugly people that other signs will.

Your intentions were good, but giving a Snickers Bar to the homeless guy with a peanut allergy will result in scandal and massive legal fees.



Libra
September 23 -October 22

Your ruling drink is Mogen-David (Mad Dog) 20/20. With flavors averaging 13%, you are justifiably at the middle of the scale. Combining MD 20/20 with your sense of compassion, leads you to have sex with anyone who is even slightly unhappy.

Lather, rinse, repeat, and meticulously blow dry…for you will surely have sex with John Edwards.




Scorpio
October 23 -November 21

Your ruling drink is Cisco. Distributed by the same folks as Wild Irish Rose, and with identical 18% alcohol, you give and receive painful verbal stings. You and the Aquarian (see below) are not a good social mix.

Calling a spade a spade is fine, but you shouldn’t have done it to Al Sharpton.




Sagittarius
November 22 -December 21

Your ruling drink is Steel Reserve 211. A malt liquor with 8.1% alcohol, this medieval beverage helps your to hone your skills as the archer. Your thoughts always hit the bull’s-eye when drinking this…at least in your mind.

Upon reaching ultimate self-awareness, you realize that people around you are correct; you are indeed, a complete asshole.




Capricorn
December 22 -January 19

Your ruling drink is well…anything. You are after all, some type of goat. Rude, stubborn, and personally boorish, you’ll drink anything put in front of you, provided you don’t have to pay for it.

You will discover that calling the waitress at Denny’s, “a stupid bitch” does in fact lead to food poisoning.




Aquarius
January 20 -February 18

Your ruling drink is Wild Irish Rose. People admire your sarcasm and love your introspection. And at 18% alcohol, you are more than happy to love them back (except Scorpios)…provided you don’t pass out first.

You have mixed emotions when you find out that the growth on your chest is not cancerous, but rather, a benign growth resembling the face and head of Carrot-Top.



Pisces
February 19 -March 20

Your ruling drink is King Cobra Malt Liquor. This “Snake in a Bottle” is only 6% alcohol, but what you lack in punch you make up for in volume, because you drink like a fish.

Dick Cheney shows up at your house wearing a black evening gown and hi-heels. Your guilt overwhelms you when you find yourself highly aroused.



I hope that my Bagstrological findings help you out through the last half of this month.

Have a great day, and as always...

Cheers!!

The Skies Are Clearing

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

As some of you could tell, things in the World of Bagwine have not been quite so chipper of late.

The reasons, we need not go into...but there has been some rainy weather of sorts.

Because of this, I have been remiss in posting, responding to your comments, and making my blog rounds.

To aid in my good mood recovery, I have tinkered with my website.

I think I like it better; what about you? It was just a shot of change to help jump start my climb out of the doldrums.

Yesterday’s post was kind of a dry run. I didn’t really put much effort into trying to be amusing, and for those of you who read it, you found that to be quite evident.

I still have a few things to put back on the site, and some other slight modifications to make, but for the most part, this is going to be the new look.

I am going to spend today finishing the site up, and working on a couple of new ideas, so one more day of virtual In-Mattivity in the Blogosphere.

But, beginning Thursday, I should be back in Bagwine form and return to commenting and visiting with all of you lovely people.

I even have a new, monthly segment for all of you tomorrow as well…
The Monthly Bagwine Whore-O-Scope ™

Yes folks, I will be sitting ‘neath the stars and reading the backwash in the bottom of a Wild Irish Rose bottle, in order to give each and every sign of the zodiac its monthly road map.

Should be exciting, no?

I want to say one last thing today. I want to send everyone who sent me an email over the last few days inquiring about my mental and emotional well-being, a big, Bagwine Thank You.

Though I haven’t gotten back to all of you, I truly appreciate it.

Well, except for the one chick who emailed me and basically told me to, snap out of it, get my shit together, and quit being a slacker.

By the way, Mizz Bedside Manner, you still owe me a cup of coffee.

So with that, I bid you adieu until tomorrow. Once again, have a Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!