Today, I am going to begin making my Christmas cards for all of you. However, I have been befallen with a curse.My printer has decided, just in time for the card making season, to get a case of the goo.
It no workie. But my friends, my curse is your blessing…
Because of the printer malfunction, you will be receiving cards from me that will be individually and entirely handmade utilizing my mad skillz with a Sharpie.
Isn’t that much more personal, and joyous? Of course it is.
I will be mailing them out over the days between December 5th and December 8th.
If you are one the few cool kids who has yet to request one, make sure to drop me a line at neshobadude @ yahoo.com, and I’ll get one out to you.
I’m excited about the cards and I’m feeling festive today, so let’s give another virtual Christmas gift away today.
Follow me now and sit with me…
Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree!!
Today’s recipient is none other than the Cynical Bastard himself, Jay.
I have done quite a few things already for Jay.
I made a Blog-Fo-Mercial© for him. I am his Fantasy Football buddy. I am sending him a Christmas Card along with a sexy picture of Schmoop.
I gave…I give…and I will soon be giving again. And what do I get from him in return? Heartache.
When I announced that Schmoop and I were not getting married after all, he wanted to know if there was still going to be a party.
When I was thinking about deleting my blog recently, in order to cheer me up he invoked the names of Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Gee, thanks.
But, my spirit of giving and my love are impervious to personal slights and know no bounds.
It’s obvious that with Jay, it’s all about Jay. He’s full of himself…He worries only about himself. He has sex frequently with himself.
Boy Howdy!! What can I give to a guy like that? How about…Another self!!
That’s right. Jay, my present from to me to you is a clone of you…
Not only am I giving you the gift of you, I am bringing self-love and masturbation into the 21st Century.
Just think Jay, you need no longer suffer from both wanker AND hand calluses. Have your you take care of that thing.
And, if you’re feelin’ frisky…You and you could grab each other by the horns, go full on, and avoid the calluses altogether.
Merry Christmas to you and your self-actualization. Enjoy yourself, buddy!!
And now, for all of you, I offer this parody that I wrote and recorded in December of 2007.
Enjoy the video of “Grandpa Got His Herpes From a Reindeer”
Cheers!!
58 comments:
this is one of my faves....I love the beginning where you are all "ta da!"
am I on this card list???
Kat: Ha. I like it as well. And no, there is no Kat on my list. I never got an address from you, dammit. Let me know if ya want one. Cheers Kat!!
A classic that will go down with "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer", "Frosty The Snowman", "I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas" and Hoot's all time favorite, "Christmas In Hollis"...
It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens
Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens
Rice and stuffing, macaroni and cheese
And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees
Bond: Ha. Very Good. Hoot is pushing my policy of never dumping a person's comment. Cheers Vinny!!
Totally uncalled for dude. I never asked if I was still getting a Christmas card, I said I was sending you one anyway.
And what do you mean I never give? I sent you the link to the site that had the glamour shots of Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin! Damn, no appreciation for my good deeds at all.
*shakes head in disgust*
Love the song dude! ;-)
Jay: Are you saying that I dreamt those tears of heartache that I cried with my face buried in the cushions of Kelly. Well, mister, I beg to differ.
Do you want me to take your clone back to the...um...clone genie? Say, it isn't so. Cheers Jay!!
Actually, yes.
Jay: I would, but the purchase is non-refundable. Enjoy. Cheers!!
Oh I was saying yes to your dreaming the tears of heartache.
The Jay Clone is sexy.
please do not send me a clone of me and please also do not send me a clone of Jay- no offense intended Jay, but there just really does not need to be too many of those running loose!
Jay: It is very sexy. You're like a Norse God. Cheers!!
Snugs: Oh I don't know...I think if more people walked around wearing Horned Viking helmets there would be far less crime. Cheers Snugs!!
Love the song. But I am sort of put off by the size of your tree. When you see other trees that are, um, larger, do get Christmas tree envy?
For some reason I always thought the Matt-Man would have a mighty evergreen...
Did I just see a Sharpie weilding double Viking with herpes?
It's early, I'll come back and take a better look.
Karen: It may not be as large as other Christmas trees, but unlike those other trees whose usefulness is used up after Christmas, mine remains standing a loud, proud and sassy 6" time after time, and will for years to come. Cheers!!
Micky: Please come back, but really, I think you summed up everything quite well. Cheers Mick!!
You were going to send me a printer generated Christmas card?? Pfftt! If it's not a hand job it doesn't count!
Now, does this mean my Christmas present will be a Jay sandwich? I can't imagine being pressed between two horny guys!
I can't wait to get your holiday cheer in my mail slot.
I'll be singing that song in my head as I sit around in the waiting room at the doc's... again. But not for the herpes...
Dana: It wasn't going to be entirely printed, but I was gonna include a printed pic. And I caught you in a lie...
I bet you can and often have imagined being sandwiched in between two horny guys. Cheers Dana!!
Anndi: Enjoy the ear buzz and I can't wait to put some cheer into your "mail" either. Cheers Anndi!!
If I don't get mail from you, I'm going to have to hurt you, you know that, right?
Songbird: You are on the top of the list to get mail from me. You're immune to anthrax, right? Cheers!!
With all of the drugs I take, who knows? I might be!
Songbird: You'll be fine; I'm the one who should be worried.
I just used the words "mail" and "anthrax" together over the internets...I'm waiting for a sinister sounding knock on the door. Cheers!!
Dang Homeslice, my cards went out this morning. They are not hand made but they are perfect for me, you'll see. Congratulations Jay on the gift of you. They say four horns are better than two, don't sprain anything in the excitement.
Lu: Ha. I think Jay will be fine. And hell, if you knew what a procrastinator I am, you would be amazed that my cards are going out THAT soon. Can't wait for the card. Cheers Lu!!
I love the ball floating around by your ear, how do you do that!?
I hope that Jay and Jay get together and vlog it bitches! Now that's a Hola I can wrap my head around.
Dianne: The "floating ball" is an earring. And you're right, that Vlog of the two Jays would turn the internets on it's tubes. Cheers Di!!
...where's Frankie Yankovic when you really need him?...
Phfrankie: What!!? Why do you need him or Al, when you have me? I'm crushed, nay outraged!! Cheers P-Man!!
If the Clone of J does dishes you can re-gift to mememe!
Cheesy: An Arkansas Viking in the Willamette Valley? Hmmmmm. That has a nice ring to it. Cheers Cheesy!!
...I'm just holding on for Nazarean Dandy!...
Phfrankie: Much like a restaurant that serves fish on Friday in March, that song is a "Lenten Special". Cheers!!
I like Jays gift. I'm putting his clone on my wish list too.
Knight: Who doesn't want more Jay in their life? I'll ask the Clone Genie to make one for you as well. Cheers Knight!!
Ha ha. You are such a GIVER! I shudder to think what you're gonna get yourself. Speaking of giving...be sure to swing by today. I'm getting my butt kicked in the humor blogger of the year final by some wanna be! The embarrassment. I call upon you might matt-man. You have the power of blogdome to push me past her in this time of need!
VE: I will swing by soon, funny man. And rest assured, you are on my Virtual Christmas list as well. If I can help you slay a non-funny "funny" person I will do all that I can. Cheers VE!!
My what sexy clones!! That's it, I'm moving to Ar Kansas! Sorry Matt Man.
Schmoop: Well goody for you and Jay. At least you'll be right at home with Jay...He cooks as well, so you won't have to. Again. Cheers Schmoop!!
it always freaks me out when you and Mel post on the same subject…parallel universes colliding….
Kat: HA. Sharpies Rule!! Mel has good taste. Cheers Kat!!
I love that song... I won't actually play it though, because, while I don't mind explaining to Jasmine about Herpes, bestiality isn't in the curriculum this year.
Marilyn: Ha. God I love you. Not only for your dry wit but because you, as I do with my son, screen the kids from the filth in this world. My kid will never see my blog until he's thirty. Cheers Marilyn
pushing your policy??? dang yesterday's comment should have banned him for life...
OH and BTW, I sent Ryno the link to your blog months ago and print it out each day and send him copies...
It appears Jay and Jay-Clone want to have sex...two times! Damn, if only we could watch.
I would love to have a clone of ME (definitely not Jay..sorry Jay but you are not my dream clone) to provide sexual accomodations on those lonely winter evenings. He would know exactly how to give me great pleasure cause he's...well, he's me.
A brilliant concept, simply brilliant.
LOL Dana stole my hand job comment. Snooze ya lose I guess ;P
I think a clone is just so thoughtful! I want one. Just not one of myself. Gimme someone new and exciting.
OH! I wanna Bond V.2 Clone! WITH his music and gravy.
I missed yesterdays comment. I am afraid to look. Work is bonkers, today is kidlet's birthday and I can't get Internet Movie Data Base OR Vinny's blog on my work computer =(
Great song! I'm kind of curious about the earring. I do jewelry, you know.
Could I have the Jay cloning machine?
THAT'S IT! You. are. the. man.
I am STILL cracking up!!!!
LMAO @ grandpa eating venison without his teeth. Damn that's funny!
TWO Jays. How many will be enough?
Sounds like you're starting to get festive... LOL! Love the video!
Bond: Eh, I allow comments like yesterday's from Hoot that illuminate a person's neatherdal thinking. Cheers!!
Giggle: Wouldn't it be cool? I'd bring us popcorn. Cheers GP!!
David: I'm glad you find yourself uber-attractive. It's nice to see an abundance of narcissism in a person. Cheers!!
Starr: It sounds as though evil forces are aligning against you. Filthy Bastards. Cheers, pathetic one!! ; )~
Fantasy: It's just a little glittery Christmas ball. Jewelry, eh? I am an earring whore. Cheers Meg!!
Anndi: I dunno. Even though it's my gift to him, I am sure he should have some copyrights to himself. Cheers Anndi!!
RLL: Ha. Thanks. And seriously...Can there ever be enough Jay? Cheers Hot Stuff!!
Vodka: Ha. Why thank you. There are more Christmas tunes to come. Cheers VM!!
Michelle: Thanks and yes. This year I am in the best Christmas mood I have been in for a couple of years. Cheers to ya!!
Love you too, Matty :P
Starr: Ditto and likewise. Cheers Starr!!
I came back to check for a new post before I call it a night cuz after reading your blog this a.m. I had daymares (like nightmares but during the daytime) after starting off my day reading your blog..the horned viking hairy thang just scared the baby jeebus all outta me!
Snugs: Horned Vikings Rule!! They go great with a huge chalice of mead. Cheers Snugs!!
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