Cards, Presents, and Herpes

Today, I am going to begin making my Christmas cards for all of you. However, I have been befallen with a curse.

My printer has decided, just in time for the card making season, to get a case of the goo.

It no workie. But my friends, my curse is your blessing…

Because of the printer malfunction, you will be receiving cards from me that will be individually and entirely handmade utilizing my mad skillz with a Sharpie.

Isn’t that much more personal, and joyous? Of course it is.
I will be mailing them out over the days between December 5th and December 8th.

If you are one the few cool kids who has yet to request one, make sure to drop me a line at neshobadude @ yahoo.com, and I’ll get one out to you.

I’m excited about the cards and I’m feeling festive today, so let’s give another virtual Christmas gift away today.

Follow me now and sit with me…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree!!

Today’s recipient is none other than the Cynical Bastard himself, Jay.

I have done quite a few things already for Jay.

I made a Blog-Fo-Mercial© for him. I am his Fantasy Football buddy. I am sending him a Christmas Card along with a sexy picture of Schmoop.

I gave…I give…and I will soon be giving again. And what do I get from him in return? Heartache.

When I announced that Schmoop and I were not getting married after all, he wanted to know if there was still going to be a party.

When I was thinking about deleting my blog recently, in order to cheer me up he invoked the names of Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter. Gee, thanks.

But, my spirit of giving and my love are impervious to personal slights and know no bounds.

It’s obvious that with Jay, it’s all about Jay. He’s full of himself…He worries only about himself. He has sex frequently with himself.

Boy Howdy!! What can I give to a guy like that? How about…Another self!!

That’s right. Jay, my present from to me to you is a clone of you…

Not only am I giving you the gift of you, I am bringing self-love and masturbation into the 21st Century.

Just think Jay, you need no longer suffer from both wanker AND hand calluses. Have your you take care of that thing.

And, if you’re feelin’ frisky…You and you could grab each other by the horns, go full on, and avoid the calluses altogether.

Merry Christmas to you and your self-actualization. Enjoy yourself, buddy!!

And now, for all of you, I offer this parody that I wrote and recorded in December of 2007.

Enjoy the video of “Grandpa Got His Herpes From a Reindeer”

Cheers!!

This Week, the Dog Days of Summer Will be Barkin'

I hope that everybody had a glorious, fun-filled weekend.

And if you didn’t, well, then it sucks to be you. Ha. Kidding of course. I kid because I love.

But alas, another Monday has come yet again; and boy, I need this day to rest up, because this week is gonna be HUGE here in the land of Bagwine.

Okay, maybe not huge, but the possibility of fun is definitely in the air.

I am going to be spending quite a bit of time with the R-Man this week, as next Tuesday his carefree summer days get replaced by the classrooms and corridors of his eighth grade adventure.

Fortunately for him, his mom, and I, he likes school for the most part. Well, except for the studying and work that go along with it.

Also this week, Schmoop’s monthly friend, Sid, and the accompanying hemorrhaging, should be exiting so maybe the Matt-Man may get a little sumpin sumpin a few times this week. Boo Yah!!

Tuesday on Bagwine Ruminations, we will be celebrating several birthdays.

Yepper folks, it’s not just Bill Clinton’s birthday tomorrow. I will be giving a shout out to a couple of other folks as well.

Now, Wednesday? I am not so sure what is going on here on Wednesday. I guess for now, we will Mouseketeer it, and say that Wednesday will be, Anything Can Happen Day.

Thursday…Look Out, folks. If all goes well, I will have a brand spankin’ new Blog-Fo-Mercial© for you. Whoever will it be?

Well, it could be any of you, because I have yet to figure out who it’s going to be.

Another big event is taking place Thursday afternoon on my day off. Schmoop is coming home early (so I am not completely in the bag) and I am going to color her hair. Is that exciting or what?

That’s right. I am strapping on the plastic gloves and coloring her hair. Her locks will be changing from a dirty blonde/brown/gray mop to being a mane of Intense Auburn.

The auburn locks combined with her striking blue eyes, and pale, anemic looking skin will result in a new kaleidoscope of hotness for the Schmoop.

I write…I cook…I do dishes…and now, add painter of tresses to my resume'. I am a frickin' Renaissance Man.

And that takes us to my post on Friday, which will give you before, after, and action shots during the process of this entire mess metamorphosis.

Lastly, I am diving into my first foray into a Fantasy Football League.

That’s right, the Cynical Bastard, Jay, has created a league, and my team, the Bagwine Boners are in it.

I have a couple of things going against me. Number one, it appears that most folks in this league have done this before.

Secondly, and most importantly, the draft is Thursday night at 8:30 P.M. EDT. Ha. Thursday is my day off. Do you realize how shit-faced I will be by 8:30!!? Holy Baby Jeebus.

I’ll probably be trying to pick a player and wonder why Johnny Unitas isn’t on the list.

I can hear it now..."What do you mean he’s dead? So what...I want Unitas, and if I can’t have him, I’ll take Bronko Nagurski, Godammit!!"

Oh yeah, this can’t be good. Nonetheless, I will post my team’s mediocre roster on Friday, as well.

So folks, I hope you have a Monday as good as a Monday can be. Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Happy 55th B-Day Turnbaby

Another warm and sunny Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

Praise duh Holy Baby Jeebus, and pour the coffee.

Our prayers today go out to Turnbaby. The steamy, border state belle turns 60 today…

Ok, maybe not 60.

So, after I take Ryan his breakfast, spend the day selling beer to the masses, I will come back home and get drunk in her honor.

What says Happy Birthday better than a drooling, drunk Matt Man? Nothing I say…

And then, Schmoop has managed to get the next two days off. So maybe she’ll be getting me off for the next two days!

It’s gonna be fleshtacular around here!

Praise God for that, and Amen brothers and sisters!

And now our Sunday Serenade…

In honor of Turnbaby’s 75th Birthday we re-present her incredibly unwatchable Blog-Fo-Mercial©

If you’d like to go and wish TB a Happy 84th Birthday or listen to her BTR show tonight at 8 EDT, click HERE.

Cheers!!

Blog-Fo-Mercial: Pessimists Need Love Too

It’s Blog-Fo-Mercial© Tuesday!!!!

That’s right, I have deemed Tuesday to be the new day for Blog-Fo-Mercials©.

Well, at least for this week.

Today’s BFM™ subject hails from the Land of Lincoln, our second Illinoisan since the inception of this project.

This sassy chick is a 31 year old wife and mother to 4 kids…

Knowing this, I felt the need to throw her a bone of well-earned joy just for her.

Leighann is the author of Pessimists Need Love Too. She confronts life’s ups and downs with sarcasm and wit.

No problem can sideline Leighann, because she is much like her hero, Diana Prince aka Wonder Woman...

Leighann, however, has much bigger tits.

At 1 minute and 38 seconds, this is the shortest BFM® I have done to date, but it was the most difficult to produce.

So, enjoy the video and when you’re done, please go say hi to Leighann by clicking HERE.

After all, that’s what these are for…

If you would like to see my other Blog-Fo-Mercials© click HERE and view them on my You Tube site.

And remember, if you haven’t requested one for your site, just let me know through the comments or an e-mail.

Cheers!!

Like The Phoenix Rising From the Ashes...

Well, if you read my post below, you know that I was having computer problems.

I truly appreciate the “concern” that many of you showed.

Sticky keys, stupidity, and in Jay’s case, he diagnosed my problem to be the result of a virus downloaded while looking for midget clown porn.

Jay is only half right…

My problems were the result of a bug I picked up while downloading pictures from the following Google search:

Rosie O’Donnell + Kentucky Derby Winners + Anal Sex.

So there, smart man.

It appears that all is well again, and I am back on the Bagwine track.

As a result of the delay, today’s Blog-Fo-Mercial© will be posted on Tuesday.

To post it now, would do a disservice to the BFM subject, by not allowing a full day of viewing.

Man, am I selfless, or what?

So with that, enjoy your Friday, and Songbird, I will try to have a new Inky and Lola up tomorrow just for you.

And to, “The Covert Lover”…Oh my, I think I’m in love.

Cheers!!

Blog-Fo-Mercial Friday: Cynical Bastard

It’s gonna be warm in Bagwine, Ohio today.

But not as warm as the love I am spreading today.

It’s Blog-Fo-Mercial © Friday, and we’re spreading the loooove.

Today’s Blogger comes to us courtesy of his dry wit and Schmoop’s insistence.

This funny man has been a Bagwine reader for only a few months, but he has made a funny impact on me and more than I, Schmoop.

I find this man to be quixotic, in that he claims to be a Cynical Bastard, which he is, but…

He also seems to be one helluva nice guy. Sorry, Jay.

I like to keep Schmoop happy, and she adores Jay. I like Jay quite a bit myself so, I thought, "What the Hell", let’s keep ‘em both happy.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the funniest man that I know from the state of Arkansas, Jay. His blog, Cynical Bastard is a hoot.

Enjoy…

Enjoy your Friday and please click HERE and go say, “Hey”, to Jay.

Cheers!!

Blog-Fo-Mercial Friday: And As the World Turns

Another warmish Spring Friday here in lovely Bagwine, Ohio…

The good weather makes today even better, because today is the day I spread the love.

Today’s Blog-Fo-Mercial© centers around a longtime Bagwine drinker who has brains, snarkiness, and a sweet southern drawl.

Considering the following writing she once penned, she is also a big fan of Haiku, which is something that I enjoy as well:

I adore haiku;
it's one of the many ways
I fly my freak flag

The amazing thing is that she lives in Kentucky. I didn’t realize that anyone in Kentucky could spell Haiku, let alone write one.

One thing is for sure, if I lived in Kentucky and was this woman’s brother, I would ask her to marry me…or at least have sex with her.

Anyway, here is my video tribute to the one and only, Turnbaby of And As the World Turns. I hope you like it.

Please stop by Turn’s site if you get the chance, and say Hi to the lovely Border State Belle. You can go there by clicking HERE.

If you’d like to see all of my Blog-Fo-Mercials© thus far, you can click HERE and see them at Matt-Man’s You Tube Site.

Let me know if you would like one for your site…

Cheers!!

Saturday, By the Numbers

I hope that everyone is enjoying their weekend. I know that I am digging this Bagwine, Ohio weather.

Today, it’s going to be 46 F with 20 mph winds, and some rain. So very refreshing. Bleh.

But enough of my meteorological morass, I have a number of things on mind this morning so let’s get right to it, shall we?

1. I have had several new readers of late, and my Links That Make Me Drink is out of date and not so nifty lookin’.

I am going to fix that over the weekend. If you are not in my links, let me know and I shall gladly add your site…

Even if it means that I have to bump Jeff from the list.

2. There are a few lurkers on Bagwine Ruminations. Some folks swing by daily, yet do not leave a message or just say, “Hi”.

C’mon folks. Don’t be shy. Join the fun!!

3. This is my 734th post. Oddly, that is the same number of women I have slept with…or is that the number of times I have been turned down? I get confused.

4. If you’d like me to do a Blog-Fo-Mercial© like the one I posted yesterday, for your site, just let me know.

5. I spoke last weekend about Conan O’Brien stealing my material. I have now noticed other bloggers serving up sloppy seconds of my ideas of late.

Feel free to use my stuff folks, but some credit would be nice. M’kay!?

6. My site was reviewed earlier this week by some chick. A fellow reviewer of hers, left a remark in the comments section of that review.

It appears in my upper right sidebar. Ha. She has trouble figuring out what I am trying to say? I never realized I was so deep.

7. Schmoop just shaved her legs, which can mean only one of two things. Either I am gettin’ laid tonight or some dude I don’t know about is.

Ahhhhhh. I feel better now that I have tied up some loose ends and loose thoughts.

And now, our Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…

We have our first repeat Mooo-er this week. This man has been on a roll all week, but he roped the COW for his comment yesterday.

Dana was thanking me for the Blog-Fo-Mercial, yesterday, and commented that she was off to take a shower.

I asked her if she, could pay me for my efforts by fantasizing of me while she showered. Jeff, of A Word in Edgewise, had something to say about that…

“Now I'm picturing Dana in the shower and that’s good, but then I realize she'll be picturing you in there too, and that's a bit disturbing this early in the morning.”

Please stop by Jeff’s site by clicking HERE and congratulate him on ropin’ yet another dogie.

I am off this morning to see my sarcastic Little Man. Enjoy your Saturday and I’ll see ya later today.

Cheers!!

Friday Blog-Fo-Mercial: Amid Life's Crises

It’s Friday and I am starting a segment today that I hope to do every Friday.

Some of you may recall that a couple of Fridays ago, I asked folks if they would like me to make a Blog-Fo-Mercial© for their website.

This is a roughly 2 minute long video that advertises and describes a person’s blog site.

Well, ladies and gentlemen I have finished the first one.

Today’s blog is Amid Life’s Crises and it is owned by my dear blog buddy Dana.

Dana started visiting Bagwine Ruminations a few months ago and I was quickly turned on by her wit, smarts, and breasts wonderful sense of sarcasm.

We are nearly polar opposites politically but we do have something in common:

I am hot for her…and...well, she knows it!!

I guess to say more about Dana and her site would take away from the Blog-Fo-Mercial, so here it is folks.

I hope you like it and I hope you’ll stop by to visit Dana at Amid Life’s Crises.

Cheers!!

If you haven't requested your Blog-Fo-Mercial, just leave your request in the comments, or send me an e-mail!!

Half Nekkid Thursday: The Thighs Have It!!

Ahhh, I love the appearance of being Half-Nekkid underwater...Or does it appear that I have grown scales?

A Thor-Like thigh...And just a hint of a Cheeky Monkey

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday All!!

I will be premiering my first official Blog-Fo-Mercial for a special someone tomorrow.

Cheers!!

When Matt-Man Was in Egypt Land...

Just a brief post on this beautiful, half-way warm Monday.

I am going to spend time today fixing and updating my Links That Make Me Drink, finally catch up on everyone’s blog, and…

Get to work on producing a Blog-Fo-Mercial ™ for a special someone.

Later, I will have to go to my new P/T job that I took in order to supplement my seemingly pro bono writing career, and anemic Bagwine Apparel sales.

Oh, and if you read yesterday’s post, you know that I have to send a scathing e-mail to Conan O’Brien.

Why do I share with you my daily schedule? I share, because I care.

I can impart to you a few things that I dreamed of last night.

I fell asleep watching a couple of specials on Ancient Egypt on the Discovery Channel. Doing that, greatly influenced my dreams.

I dreamed that I lived in Ancient Egypt and was a Pharaoh. My name was Akhenmattman I, and I rocked…

I led armies against the Akkadian Empire, put the Hebrews into bondage, and surrounded myself with a palace full of Nubian nookie.

Sometimes I had those busty harlots put me into bondage. But man did the place ever smell. Whewwww!!

In addition to my military, social, and 120 hour work week innovations I also did something else. I invented stand-up comedy.

More accurately, BAD Stand-Up Comedy.

I had the Nile Valley denizens rollin’ in their hovels. It helped to keep their indentured minds off just how miserable their lives were.

Here’s a couple of samples:

Knock Knock. Who’s There?…Hiero. Hiero, Who?…Hieroglyphics-Gram. Hahahaha.

Wow, who cut the goat cheese? ‘Cause it really Sphinx in here. Hahahaha.

How many slaves does it take to change a light bulb? None, because electricity hasn’t been invented yet. Hahahahaha.

Yep, not that funny to us, but the Hebrew slaves ate it up. I even had at least a dozen Jews begging me to let them be my agent.

Anyhoo, one thing about my dream is the giant obelisk built in my honor and likeness. It was unlike any obelisk you have ever seen.

I drew a picture of it for you…

Ahhhh. Such a fine tribute denoting my uber-masculinity, virility, and the fact that I am a major dickhead.

Enjoy your Monday, and I’ll see ya soon.

Cheers!!

It's Friday And I'm Spreadin' The Love

It’s Friday folks.

The day when people half ass their productiveness at work, while licking their lips in anticipation of a martini at 5:02.

If you’re like me, Friday evening is like the day before baseball season starts, and the weekend is the entire season.

On Friday evening there are no wins or losses…

And over the course of the weekend season, there is a chance of winning the pennant in the form of a sweet piece of ass.

Fridays are days marked by hope, relief, and good moods. I am no exception.

We had a nice time celebrating Schmoop’s B-Day yesterday. We had a couple of people stop by and share some libation.

Later on, the pizza guy showed up with Hot Wings and a Serious Meat Pizza. We gorged. Yum.

So today, although suffering from Serious Meat Pizza and Hot Wing gas, I am in a very good mood.

I want to share it with all of you. The good mood, not the gas.

A couple weeks ago, I was asked to put together a short video for Vinny’s blog, The Big Leather Couch.

It was his site’s two year anniversary, and I put together a short video retrospective of his site along with music.

Here is the video:



I thought to myself, “Self, why not do that for others?”

So, because you guys have been so good to Bagwine Ruminations, if you would like me to put together a video for your site, I will.

You can use it as a type of commercial for your blog.

You can embed it onto your site or a post, and it will be forever listed on Matt-Man’s You Tube Site as well.

Pretty nifty, eh?

The videos will be no more than 2 minutes 30 seconds or so long. All I need from you is your permission and desire to have one.

Just let me know through the comments or an email if you’d like me to put one together for your site.

If I need anything for the video that I can’t find on your site, I will be in contact with you.

Is there a cost, you ask?

Nope. I just hope you continue to come back for more Bagwine and spread the word of my site to those who might enjoy it.

This is my way of thanking you for your support of me and my satirical pennings.

I do hope you will be patient with me in producing your site’s video.

Have a great weekend and see ya tomorrow for the Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week.

Cheers!!

Update...I deem these Blog Video Ads to be called:

Blog-Fo-Mercials©