The Bastard Has Left The Building !!

“The road to truth is long, and lined the entire way with annoying bastards.”

---Alexander Jablokov

A truer quote I have never read, but the road to truth is not only lined with annoying bastards, it’s lined with cynical bastards…cynical bastards who are really funny, subtly sarcastic, and intelligent.

And, that road to truth within the confines of the blogosphere has lost one of its most beautifully cynical bastards to ever grace its lanes.

That’s right, my friend and internet radio partner in crime Jayman, is all but discontinuing his blog site after slightly more than five years of using it to display his sublime wit and personal observations on life and society.

Many of you who stop by here are also loyal readers of Jayman’s blog, which was formerly known as, Cynical Bastard and more recently as, Every Day Jay.

Many of you have also been devoted fans of Jay himself. You dig him because you see him as a funny, self-deprecating, sweet, and uber-affable human being.

Let me tell you something…

That acerbic motherfucker known as “good ol’ Jay” has been fooling the Hell out of you for five plus years.

He has for the longest time called himself, Cynical Bastard. Ha!! Rotten Bastard would be far more accurate.

And, recently he tried to conceal his dark soul and thoughts by calling himself, Every Day Jay.

Oh he’s an “every day kinda guy” alright…If the “every day kinda guy” standard is set by the likes of Charles Manson and Ted Bundy!!

Jayman and I talk on the phone for at least ninety minutes every Tuesday in order to go over what we will be discussing on the next installment of our I’m with Stupid Blog Talk Radio Show (Every Saturday at 12 PM EDT!!).

Let me tell you…

After ninety minutes on the phone with him, I have to throw up, hop into a scalding hot shower, and scrub myself down with steel wool as if I’m Meryl Streep’s character in Silkwood.

Even after that, I still feel dirty. He’s a freakin’ sociopath.

Now dig it…

I have been trying to write a wacky series of blog posts on how I am seceding from the United States.

Last week, my brother John, suddenly and selfishly passed away which interrupted the flow of my posts, and this week after two days of secession humor?

Jayman picked Tuesday night to announce his retirement, therefore forcing me to write this piece and knock me off my comedic flow and story continuity.

Fucker…I'm sure he planned that, and is laughing his ass off over it.

In my eyes however, he does have one redeeming quality. All of these dark and sadistic traits about Jay that I have described?

I dig them. I embrace them. I have them myself. So how can I dislike the guy? I can’t!!

So…Here’s to the Jayman and five plus years of blog humor.

You can still catch Jay on Twitter…on Tumblr…on Facebook…and of course, every Saturday at Noon EDT on I’m With Stupid.

Make sure you stop by Jay’s Blog today and tell the rotten bastard:

“Go to Hell and Good Riddance, Funny Man!!”

Cheers!!

A Myriad of Mish-Mash

I was home all day yesterday and when that happens, I drink and think.

While I drank much more than I thought, a few things did pop into this bald noggin of mine.

I feel chunky. I lost 90 pounds a couple of years ago, and I never want to balloon up again. I was huge.

So, I am going to do what I did to lose all of that weight again through Labor Day.

I’m cutting way back on carbs. Bread, pasta, beer…Ha Ha Ha. Yeah, right. I’m still going to drink plenty of beer and Bagwine, but…

No sandwiches, very little pasta.

I’m going to eat mainly naked meat, vegetables, and my go to diet food, soup. Lots and lots of soup. I invented the soup diet and trust me, it works.

I just want to lose ten pounds by Labor day…shouldn’t be a problem.

I listen to several talk radio shows. Hannity, Boortz, Beck-Tard. They’re hilarious and they have great commercials.

Beck hawks survival seeds, and Hannity pitches some shit called Food Insurance. It’s like MREs that they use in the armed forces. A bunch of dehydrated entrée type shit.

When I heard the Food Insurance thing, I thought…

I bet I could make a lot of money if I could manufacture and market, are you ready gang…

Dehydrated Water!!

Of course, I don’t know what one would add to it to make it water. Minor detail.

It was incredibly hot and humid in Bagwine yesterday and Pizza Bill had to work the Beer Mine from 10-9. Ol’ Pizza Bill is susceptible to a type of heat rash that he refers to as Ass Chap.

Knowing the humid conditions outside and Bill’s problem I was struck by a vision of him all sweaty as he left work and his butt looking like two big tureens of Split Pea soup and wet, uncooked Pancake mix.

I couldn’t get the morose vision out of my mind until two beers later.

After that, I had a better vision. If the dehydrated water thing doesn’t work I could make tons of cash making a line of cars that appeal to right wing Fundamentalists.

The name of my newly founded car company?

Christler!!

I think that would be a winner. I can hear it now.

“Hey Dave what kind of car is that? It‘s very nice.”

“Well Tom, that’s the 2011 Christler Apocalypse, and let me tell you. When you’re riding in this, it feels like the streets are paved with gold.”

Lastly, I talked to Jay yesterday for a looonnnng time about our impending radio show.

We covered a lot of ground and ha, our conversation would have made a good show. We do have one problem first and foremost…

We can’t think of a name for the show. Jay being the flamboyant, creative master-mind that he is, offered this…

The Jay and Matt Show.

Ha. I love that guy...but we will keep working on the title anyway.

Only working 5-9 today so I’ll be ‘round for awhile. Enjoy your Thursday all; Friday is just around the corner.

Cheers!!

The Die Is Cast...Sorta

Today?

I am off all day, however, I may still not be around much, because I have a myriad of things to do, and many phone calls to make.

I must call my brother Marte’, the Crazy Cat Man From Columbus, Richard…and most of all, my new, possible Blog Talk Radio partner, Jay.

Yesterday I posted about Jay and I possibly doing a BTR Show together. Well, those of you who commented as to the viability of such a show were in support so…

I will call Jay today and mull a few things over with him.

I know…Mulling isn’t legal in Jay’s state of Arkansas unless it’s with a family member, but we shall buck the law and mull things over.

Actually…in spite of the early comments telling Jay and I that we should sally forth upon our walk of shame into internet radio, I was still very hesitant.

In fact Tuesday as I walked to work, I asked God for a sign as to whether I, a pervert from Ohio, should do this internets radio thing with some funny, Viking helmeted, fucked up Arkansan.

Well ladies and gentlemen, as I cut through the hospital parking lot across the street from me on my ambulatory way to work, I got a sign from God.

I saw this on a car in the hospital parking lot…

Yeah Bitches…I laughed.

The Buckeye State and The Natural State are going to make Blog Talk Radio love, and you will all be the worse for it, and may even get mentally impregnated.

I mean, if the two of us morons can pull something together.

Cheers!!

If And When Wacky Worlds Collide...

I am working 10-9 again today so I won’t be around much, but I have a warning question for you lovable perverts, and I need your thoughts.

Many of you are familiar with Blog Talk Radio. It’s an internets site that hosts internets radio shows.

I have toyed with the idea of doing my own show for awhile, but never wanted to fly solo in such a venture.

If I was going to do one, I wanted to have a partner. Well folks, fate interceded Monday night in the form of an e-mail.

I was contacted by none other than the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay-Man!!

He suggested that perhaps he could let go of his fear of commitment, and he and I could do a BTR Show together.

We have no details whatsoever as to time, content, or even that we can pull this off at all, but if we do manage to work things out, would you listen to our show?

I mean, if this guy…

And this guy…

Got together and brought their high brow humor and inciteful insightful commentary to the tubes that are the internets, would you listen?

We are considering you adorable freaks of nature our focus group. So...

Let us know what you think as far as if it’s a good idea…What we should do…Who should get top billing?

We would appreciate any comments and thoughts that you may have to offer.

Cheers and Hola, Bitches!!

Happy Birthday You Cynical Bastard, You

It’s a special day here on Bagwine Ruminations.

We don’t celebrate Birthdays often, but our favorite Cynical Bastard, Jay-Man is turning several years old Sunday.

I just could not let this go by without saying how much I love this guy.

I mean, he was knocked over by former University of Arkansas basketball bad ass and five time NBA all-star Sidney Moncrief for God Sakes.

He’s kinda like my brother Marty.

My brother once took a piss in a NYC theater bathroom next to the late John Ritter. While they didn’t shake hands afterwards, they did say hi.

Oh…but wait…this was about Jay, wasn’t it? Yes. I like him. And…

I always tell Schmoop that Jay is a fucking mess.

Now, before you guys go off on me…Anyone who truly knows me, knows that when I say someone is a mess, it’s not a bad thing.

When I say it, it means that I think the “mess” in question is funny, is smart, and is one helluva individual.

And the aforementioned Birthday Boy of whom I speak is all of that.

Jay is a class act…He’s smart. He’s funnier than shit. And, he is one of the nicest people I have ever quasi-met.

In fact, he’s just like me…only he has the nice thing going on.

So here’s to ya buddy…I hope you have a wonderful Birthday. And in your honor I wrote a little song…

It was inspired by you Jay, but I based it on the Divinyls song, I Touch Myself. I hope you like it.

Happy Birthday to Jay, and to you all…

Cheers!!

Lent 2010: No Knead for the Devil

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t any more. Bread that is.

Lent has begun and I shall not eat any bread, pasta, or bread related products until Easter Morning.

This 46 day trek through the frightening, desolate, and crust-less wilderness has begun for yours truly.

Weep not for me.

Instead of your tears offer me hope, encouragement, and if at all possible, if you’re a hot babe, naked pictures of yourselves in order to distract me during this time of toast-less tribulation.

If you can do that for me and along with my own belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus, I shall be strong and will be able to say:

"Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Bread, I shall fear no piece of toast…no loaf of garlic bread, no steaming plate of macaroni and cheese…deep fried or otherwise."

I will stand with courage in the face of the leavened loaf and the palate tempting pasta.

I shall not be a slave to the tempting demands of a bowl of Chicken Noodle soup on a cold winter’s day. I shall not labor under the taunting of an onion bun that cradles a juicy hamburger.

I will not supplicate myself to the steamy soup and only after removing the burger from its bondage of the bun will I ingest it.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I had my fill of bread last night. Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish may have sated my stomach, but not my soul.

Today there is no bread…no manna from heaven for me; but feel no sorrow…for I am feasting on the body of Christ.

For the next 46 days, Jeebus will be the bun of my burger, the toast with my eggs…the mac-daddy in my cheese.

My belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus will be what separates my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s breaded soullessness.

And my friends…I am not alone. For there is another amongst us who will be seeking salvation through sacrifice.

Yes indeed…As he did last year, the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be joining me in this 46 days of self-flagellation self denial.

Jay will be doing what he calls, Junkless 4 Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo. This brave and yearning soul will be giving up Junk Food, Soft Drinks, and…Alcohol. Holy Cow!!

Godspeed Jay…You do your Boogaloo and I’ll endure my No Knead for the Devil Tour. Together we will succeed and people will, in awe, be asking…

"Why the fuck did a guy who hasn’t been a Catholic in twenty years and one who has never been a Catholic give up all that shit for Lent?"

The answer comes from Jeebus’ mouth to my ear…

"Cuz they’re Matt-Man and Jay, Bitches!!"

Cheers!!

The Cynical Bastard Bounced Me Into Building a Blog Banner

Happy Hump Day, Kids!!

At work Tuesday, I was thinking humorous thoughts and jotting down notes about what I thought President Obama should say during tonight's State of the Union address.

I got home about 7:15 P.M., cracked open a beer, and fired up the ol' Bagwine computer.

After checking my e-mail which contained nothing but spam, I answered a couple of comments on my site and then headed over to Jay's site.

I found, much to my chagrin, that he had already written a very funny post about Obama's aforementioned SOTU address. I was quite pissed amused.

So...

I started creating possible banners for the new website I am working on in order to get comedy gigs, pundit spots, and the like.

I came up with a couple of variations on the same idea. I was taking into consideration that I don't want to be known as merely a comic, but also one who can provide a humorous and non-ideological commentary on social and political issues.

With that in mind...Here is what I have come up wit thus far. Let me know what ya think if you have a minute. And please, if you hate it, let me know...I can take it.

Sample Number One:

Colorful Commentary for Our Black and White Times


Sample Number Two:

That's all I gots, Bitches...

I'm off for three straight days and I'll be OCD'ing over this new site the entire time. I hope the beer helps me to cope.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Matt-Man Drivel

It’s going to be a gray and wet Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio. Fortunately, the temp will be in the mid-30’s so my 11-7 shift in the Beer Mine will be quite bearable.

Praise Jeebus!!

My weekend postings have taken on more of a personal flavor of late and that’s cool. I think I’ll continue to use Saturday and Sunday to just talk about what’s going on in the world of Matt-Man and the Bagwine area.

Ryno’s JV basketball team won Friday night 45-34. Once again Ryno started and played nearly the entire game.

The boy while pretty good at sinking the 3 point shot, has turned into a 160 pound defensive juggernaut.

No matter the size of the opposing team’s best player, Ryno is the one assigned to cover him when playing man-to-man defense.

Ryno had a good game once again although he only took two shots during the hard fought 28 minute contest. His stats for the game:

3 points (He made 1 of 2 from 3 point range)
9 rebounds
5 assists
1 block
5 steals

Ryno is becoming the kind of player Bobby Knight would dig. Defense, Baby, Defense…Here’s to ya, Ryno.

I hope everyone’s shopping for Christmas is going well. Mine is nearly done, for I have no money with which to do any, which makes it quite easy.

I do have to figure out something to get Ryno and something for him to give his mom, but other than that my family peeps are getting cards.

If Pizza Bill has time, I am going to see if he can make Schmoop and I one of his fan-damn-tastic pizzas for Christmas Day. (Yes Bill, I will pay you. Jeez.)

And that be it, Bitches. This kinda thing makes me uncomfortable, but what can ya do? It sucks, but things happen and on the upside, next Christmas can only be better. So, Boo Yah.

Schmoop and I, talked to Bagwine buddy Jay last night. As usual, the Cynical Bastard was drunker than hell when we called…oh wait, it was Schmoop and I that were shit-faced. Anyhoo…

Schmoop has always been taken by our favorite Viking Helmeted He-Man and would gladly shack up with him, so I asked Jay, “Do you know what the only thing is that is keeping Schmoop away from you?”

Cleverly, Jay responded, “You?” Ha. “No”, I replied, “it’s fact that you live in Arkansas. She doesn‘t do Arkansas.”

Anyway, Jay brought up the fact that it would be nice to have Schmoop’s schedule so he would know when she is home alone, and he could talk to her without me being around.

I figured that perhaps not only Jay, but other horny men would enjoy having that info, so in the way that God gave us his only Son, I give to you Schmoop’s “Home Alone” schedule.

Sunday: 11 A.M.- 8:15 P.M.

Monday: 4:30 P.M.-9:15 P.M.

Tuesday: 4:30 P.M.-9:15 P.M.

Wednesday: 4:30 P.M.-7:00 P.M.

Thursday and Friday: Sorry, I am home all day, but I do usually pass out by 7:15 P.M. so, there’s an opening for ya.

Saturday: I typically work 11-4, but you have to catch her early in the day. And I mean EARLY. She drinks a lot on Saturday, and then she eats like a pig and goes to sleep after watching "Keeping Up Appearances".

Hey Jay!? Feel free to sell our phone number to anyone who wants it. Make all the money you can off of it, buddy.

So there you have it you fans of Schmoop. You can thank me at your convenience.

Amen, and Amen…

Enjoy your Sunday and as always…

Cheers!!

State Mottos

I was feeling pretty good after work Friday night.

I was having a few cocktails and watching College Football. I watched the end of the Pitt/West Virginia game and then began watching the Boise State/Nevada tussle.

Thinking about Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Idaho, and Nevada reminded of the time when I used to post State Mottos long ago on my site.

They never seemed to elicit too many chuckles. But, I figured, what the hell, let’s post a few once again. Some of these are new, some I came up with back in the day.

Florida: Where East Coast Jews Come to Die…

Montana: Keeping Canadians at Bay Since 1889...

New Jersey: Fuck You…

Nebraska: Gateway to Wyoming… (My apologies to Jay’s family)

Wyoming: You are Now Leaving Nebraska…

West Virginia: It’s a Family Affair…

Alabama: You Ain’t From ‘Round C’here, Are Ya..?

Pennsylvania: Yes, We Think Rick Santorum is Crazy Too…

Maine: One Syllable is Plenty…

Nevada: Cheat on Your Wife All You Want, One of Our Senators Does…

Utah: Cheat on Your Wife All You Want, With Your Other Wife…

New York: We Gots the Greatest State in the Union. We Gots the Big Apple, The Yankees, Broadway, and the God Damn Finger Lakes. And You Know What the Finger Lakes are Doing? They’re Flipping Your Sorry Ass Off and Saying Fuck You…

Alaska: You Betcha!!

Those are a few…

I can never seem to come up with a good one for Ohio. Maybe it’s because I live here. If you can think of one for my beloved, home state, lay it on me.

Have a wonderful Saturday, all.

Cheers!!

A Bit of Fragrance Always Clings to the Hand That Gives Roses

Happy Monday Bitches!!

Oy Vay…I worked eight hours on Sunday, and it WIPED ME OUT. Holy Cow.

I got home at 7 P.M. and was all but asleep on the couch by 8 P.M. Instead of trying to write a post for today, I actually did the mature thing and acquiesced to the demands of my health.

Oh hell yeah, it is killing me to not post everyday. I feel 100% better than I did a week ago, but am far from 100%.

I feel pretty damn good when just sitting around the digs, but even a five hour stint at the Beer Mine kicks my ass, let alone an eight hour shift.

I have a doctor’s appt. at 9:30 this morning and then I’m off to work until 4 P.M. So today, entertaining the masses is a no go.

Many of you have not read my last post involving the new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™ that I have picked out for Bagwine Buddy, Jay. So…

Scroll down directly and read about the most fine pick I have made in this matter if you’d like.

One last thing…

Saturday I received a very sweet get well card, from an incredibly sweet reader of this site.

In addition to the card, she felt that my recuperation (and Schmoop’s) would benefit from an uber-generous amount of Olive Garden gift card money.

She’s probably on the right track, as upon weighing myself this morning, the Matt-Man is down to 174 pounds. I think the last time I weighed 174 pounds I was 15 years old and fantasizing about having a hot, oily three way with the Landers’ sisters.

Anyhoo…While I have yet to thank her personally, I wanted to give an anonymous shout-out to this lovable goof’s kindness. Thanks Buddy, I was truly touched.

Enjoy your Monday all, and wish for me to have enough wind to get through another day at the Beer Mine.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Jay’s New Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™

It is indeed a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. Sunny and 67 degrees…not bad at all for November in the Buckeye State.

It will make my 11-7 shift in the Beer Mine today quite tolerable in spite of my ongoing recuperation.

Today, I am using our Sunday Morning Church Disservice to bestow a gift upon a man who has been very gracious to me during my illness.

That man? Jay, The Cynical Bastard.

If you read Jay-Man’s post from Thursday November 5th, you know that Jay is looking for a new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™.

Some lesser folks merely threw out names haphazardly for Jay, but I felt that the bond between Jay and I deserved me taking the time to put some thought into it. After much reflection, I think I have come up with the purrrrfect match.

Jay prefers women who are younger than him. I know that many of Jay’s lusts have been chicks of the darker, brunette, and raven hair type.

Unlike myself, huge fun bags are not a pre-requisite for our buddy. He digs cute…He likes chicks who can party, and I thought that since Jay is a sports fan, it would be nice to find a chick who likes sports as well.

Well everyone…I have found the purrrrfect Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™ for our beloved Jay.

This babe, loves to party!!

When she parties, she doesn’t mind wearing a tight blue dress, boots, and getting it on with a chick in order to entertain her man.

Much like Jay, the chick I have picked is uber-Patriotic…

Like I said, Jay’s new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™ must be a sports fan…

Hike it, Bitch!!

Regardless of the outcome, our lady always practices good sportsmanship.

In spite of her fun loving, devil-may-care attitude, she can be quite sensitive…

Knowing that Jay can occasionally have brushes with the law, our lady-in-waiting is blessed with a well-rounded grasp of the American legal system!!

And there you have it folks…My choice for Jay’s new Celebrity Fantasy Girlfriend ™

The lovely and light hearted, Casey Anthony!!

I think I have outdone myself and I hope Jay is pleased with my efforts.

As an added bonus…I don’t think Jay has ever mentioned that he would like to have a child. Even if these two have sex and an unexpected pregnancy or even a full fledged birth occurs…

I am sure Casey will have no problem taking care of “that problem” in order to keep their madcap romance Similac and child-free.

Enjoy Jay…You can thank me later.

Enjoy your Sunday all.

Cheers!!

Faithful Friends and Happy Birthdays

Another day of rehab for the Matt-Man, thus another post that is easy to write.

During the last few days I have enjoyed reading all of the comments and e-mails from you fine folks.

Today, during my family and friends series, I want to give a shout out to a couple of people.

First up…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay. Jay not only put up a get-well message for me on his blog this week, he sent me, shall we say, some motivational artwork through e-mail. Jay knows what motivates me quite well. Thanks Jay!!

And then there’s my longtime pal of pals, Lu.

Lu followed my agony for three straight days on her site. She called out for all to lay hands upon the Matt-Man, and heal him. She suffered criticism, chiding, and public scorn. From one particular man from Tennessee, she heard, “Oh Dear God…Enough Already!!”

Ha. I dig that. Thanks Lu, you’re the best.

And now…a couple of Birthday notices.

My niece, Anna, celebrates her 15th Birthday today. Anna is quite a smart young lady, and I wish her the best today.

Today also marks the 58th anniversary of my brother Denny’s time here on this big blue marble of ours.

Den-Den is a great dad to his kids, a well rounded journalism professional and veteran of the newspaper industry, and most importantly…

An amusingly rude mo-foe. The funniest thing that I have heard in my life (and will not repeat here) was uttered by brother Denny some years back.

It consisted of only three words, but to this day, I laugh my ass off when I think of it.

So Brother Denny…Happy Birthday My Brother. May your celebration be a damn sight better than the weather we are both experiencing in Ohio today.

Lastly…Today is the day that Denny’s daughter-in-law Jamie appears on Jeopardy. If you folks get the chance to tune in, send her good mind power vibes through your television set.

And that’s it for today my friends. I get to spend the evening working the Beer Mine in a monsoonal rain storm.

But, that’s okay…I am looking forward to a special day that takes place tomorrow, so that will help me to muddle-puddle through.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Fantasy Football and Programming Notes

It’s going to be a Partly Cloudy, Cool and, Breezy Sabbath in Bagwine today.

I of course, will be minding the Beer Mine today from 11-7, ensuring that football fans everywhere will have plenty of beer and smokes on hand while cussing at their TV.

Just consider me, a Social Worker.

Speaking of football…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be in pedophile football heaven today as his 1-2 Stalkers try to manhandle my boyishly sexy 2-1 Jonas Brothers in the Open Bar League over at ESPN Fantasy Football.

Jay’s team has a deadly receiving corps and is using the Bengals defense who are playing the hapless Cleveland Browns, so he has a leg up on my Jonas Brothers…which I am sure excites his sick self to no end.

My only hope is that one of my running backs, Pierre “Thick as a Brick” Thomas and my quarterback, Peyton Is He Manning Enough have big games today.

C’mon Jonas Brothers, put that pervert back into his dark, dark place!!

After work, I am going to go see Ryan for a few. After I give him a week ahead pep talk, it is back here to tip a few, watch the late game, and type up some Bagwine magic for tomorrow.

My selflessness is never-ending, and what do I get in return? You got it…Heartache. But, I continue to give, and shall.

I am a little sad this morning. I am watching my favorite FOX babe, Alisyn Camerota of Fox and Friends weekend as I type this, and Alisyn is wearing a dress that shows far too little.

I always count on her for a little Sunday morning wood, but alas, my phallus remains flaccid. Bummer. That’s okay, my love for her remains firm and steadfast.

I love you, Allie!!

Anyhoo…Before I leave you today, I have a programming note in regards to the content of what you will be seeing on Bagwine Ruminations.

Beginning tomorrow and continuing for the next three or four weeks, my daily commentary will be concentrating on political and social issues.

I know these topics do not thrill some of you, but it is something I have to do for awhile in hopes of accomplishing something that is uber-important to me.

I promise to try to make these upcoming posts amusing, but I just ask you to bear with me on the topics I will be addressing over the next month or so.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday, all. And of course, as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Thanks, Oops, And Halloween

It’s another Hodgepodgical Hump Day here at Bagwine Ruminations.

First up…I want to thank of all of you who left a comment, sent an e-mail, or even did an entire post (Jay-Man!!) in order to offer advice to my son and address his lack of effort in his first year of High School.

I printed your pearls of wisdom and personal stories off and put them into a nice, book type portfolio which was graciously stolen supplied by Schmoop.

The book looks very nice and the contents of each page are what make it an instant classic.

I gave the book to Ryan’s mom Tuesday morning so she could read it at work prior to handing it off to Ryan.

She gave it to him after work yesterday. He read each and every one your offerings, and in the words of his mom, “He was very touched.”

He was puzzled as to why people who do not know him would take the time to do such a thing, but his puzzlement became secondary.

Ryno’s mom, said that while he was reading it, he would periodically laugh, mostly looked thoughtful, and a couple of times his big brown eyes welled up. He likes it…a lot.

I was working so I didn’t get to talk to him very long, but he is already asking me about each of you.

I don’t know how effective your efforts will be upon him, but I do know he digs the thought, and Saturday we’ll talk more about what was written and I’ll let him know what a bunch of perverted psychopaths you all are.

I thank you all for helping me to reach through his thick head and wake that boy up. You’re all top notch.

I screwed up at work yesterday…

It was my first major one in the nearly 18 months since I’ve been working in the Beer Mine. A customer drove in and wanted a 12 pack of Non-Alcoholic beer. This person asked me what kind we had, and I said, “Old Milwaukee N/A.”

Well, the patron took said 12 pack from me, paid, and drove off. A few minutes later, I went to re-stock the Old Milk N/A, when I discovered something odd. There wasn’t one missing. Are ya seeing what happened?

I gave said customer REAL Old Milwaukee not the N/A version. Holy Cow…I may have messed this person up, because it was never returned.

I feel like I’m in the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry sat a drink down near Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend at a Christmas party, the guy accidentally drank it, and fell off the wagon. Damn, I feel badly about it.

Speaking of work…Halloween Weekend? I am working ALL FUCKING WEEKEND!! Damn straight bitches. I’m closing Friday the 30th. Working 11A-9P on the 31st, and all day the following Sunday.

Boy I tell ya…When Mikey, Little Bill, and Pizza Bill screw someone they leave no doubt that they were there. Lousy Bastards!!

It does have its upside…There should be some scantily clad Halloween chicks coming through that night. I’ll make sure to take pictures.

I think I may dress up as well. I was thinking as going as a Priest. I need to be able to move around to do my job, so that might work pretty well.

I would like to dress up as Jeebus Christ but I worry about that.

What if towards the end of the night some already drunked up customer comes through and sees Jesus waiting on him or her, and freaks out?

That probably wouldn’t be good…Although it would be pretty God Damn funny. Let me re-think that idea.

Happy Hump Day, All!!

Cheers!!

Glenn Beck Is An Asshole, But He Is Not Who He Appears To Be

I announced back on September 15th the founding of a new political movement called, “The Speleology Coalition”.

It is a coalition of people who politically, are open to new ideas, think for themselves, and are not right or left wing psychopaths.

In my announcement, I discussed Plato’s, Analogy of the Cave.

I talked about how folks who watch, listen, and nod in blind agreement with the likes of Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck are merely watching shadows on a wall and accepting them as real.

When I wrote that, my mind kept going back to Glenn Beck and what an asshole he is. I knew that he reminded me of someone from the past with whom I was familiar.

However, I couldn’t quite put my finger on who it was. It’s been driving me crazy.

Here’s this guy, Glenn Beck who can emote with tears at the drop of a hat…who can then shut off the waterworks and go on a tirade against non-existent threats to our nation.

Beck will then look into the camera with his empty eyes and speak directly to his legion of Beck-Tards, by channeling and often misquoting Jefferson, Madison, other Founding Fathers, and sometimes even God Almighty.

He is now calling for a day of Prayer and Fasting during Yom Kippur in order to save our Republic. Ha...Like Glenn Beck is going to be able to fast for a day. Freak.

He’s an amalgam of paranoid goof, carnival barker, fear monger, and ratings whore. Most of all, he is simplistic and loose with oh so many facts.

But hey, Beck-Tards don’t mind, even when he calls President Obama a racist. Beck-Tards simply clench their fists and yell: “Damn Right Glenn, Off with his Head!!”

Beck will incite his considerable audience with intellectual gems such as, “President Obama is addicting this country to heroin---the heroin that is government slavery.” Or this one…

“The president has an agenda that is radical, revolutionary, and in some cases, MARXIST!!”

I was still trying to put my finger on the person of whom Beck reminded me, and then, yesterday morning, the clouds blocking my recollection began to part.

I had partially figured it out. He reminded me of a game show host. But which one, I thought.

Bob Barker? Alex Trebek? Or my favorite, Wink Martindale? No, none of those fit the in your face lunacy of Beck, nor do they have that burning hate and fear.

I was trying to think, and then in my head, I could hear the voice of the game show host I was trying to recall saying things like, “You Bastard. Drop Dead!!”…and, “Who loves you, and who do you love?”

And then, the quote that jarred my memory like a juggernaut, fired up my synapses, and involuntarily left my brain, came out of my mouth:

“Hello, this is Killian. Give me the Justice Department, Entertainment Division.” And it hit me…

Holy Cow…Glenn Beck is Damon Killian!!

Damon Killian was the game show host character that Richard Dawson played in the Schwarzeneggar movie, The Running Man.

Killian and Beck are cut from the same oil cloth. They both play upon fear and the worst and basest instincts of people. And it doesn’t matter to them, only the ratings do.

As Killian said, and I can hear it coming from Beck’s mouth as well:

“This is television, that's all it is. It has nothing to do with people, it's to do with ratings!!”

Hey Beck…I’ll Be Back, and one other thing. Suck It!!

Cheers!!

*For those of you interested, Jay-Man has written a brilliantly funny post that offers advice to my slacker son. You can click HERE to read it. Thanks Jay!!

*Holy Crap, one other thing...My nephew and his wife, Jamie, are in California today. She made it on to Jeopardy and they are taping today. The show will air the week of October 19th. Wish her Luck!!

It Had To Happen Sooner or Later!!

I had a bit of a crappy day off yesterday.

I was in a really good mood at first. I had some tunes cranked up and was sipping on an early day cocktail.

And then…

The e-mail came. It was from the ex and the subject line was: RYAN. My throat slipped into my stomach and a feeling of nausea overcame me.

Whenever I get an email like that, my instincts tell me that it can’t be good. Let me tell you folks, my instincts are 20/20.

His mom had just checked his weekly class results online, and yes my friends, good ol’ Ryno is once again failing to turn in homework assignments on occasion and it is affecting his grades.

I picked him up from school yesterday. Sitting in the parking lot, I watched him approach the car with his typical devil-may-care grin beaming from ear to ear. He seemed so happy.

Well, when he got into the car, his smiled quickly dissipated when I asked, “What the hell is going on in that mind of yours?”

As we discussed this disturbing, and not unfamiliar habit of his on the way home, I was fed the same tired excuses that I had heard from him in the past.

Upon arriving at his house I went inside with him. Typically I just drop him off, so my irregular action was the catalyst for a microburst of sweat to spew from his teenage forehead.

With each lame excuse and non sequitur rationalization that he uttered, I used my acutely honed scalpel of logic to dissect each one.

Knowing in his mind that I was right each time, this drove the teenager who knows everything to the point of anger. So, he came up with a new, and to that point, unheard excuse…

“I sometimes don’t turn my homework in, because you’re never around.”

Yes dear readers, the boy employed the, “blame it on Dad and make him feel guilty” attack. It didn’t work.

I told him (as he already knows) that I am only eight minutes away…a phone call away…and that I ask him everyday if he needs help with any school work or if there is anything we need to talk about life wise.

He sat in dumbfounded silence other than muttering, “Just get out, and leave me alone.”

I said to him that if my not being around was the root of the problem he could start staying with me a couple of times a week. He said, “no”, and I think we all know why…

He’s just being lazy at times, and is doing other fun things instead of doing his homework, and that’s all there is to it. School for him much of the time, is a social setting, not a place of learning.

After his “no”, he told me once more to go and just leave him alone. While Ryno will already be turning 15 next month, it was yesterday that it became official: My son has become a teenager.

With that tumultuous situation being discussed I would like to give someone a hearty shout-out.

The one bright spot of my solo day-off was when the Cynical Bastard, Jay, took a few minutes out of his day to be my special friend and talk to me on the phone…

It’s nice to see that somebody answered the call of my friend request.

Thanks Jay, and thanks for the “artwork” that you sent to me.

One of the pieces is now proudly displayed on my computer monitor in wallpaper form. I think you can guess which one.

I love it, my computer loves it, but Schmoop? Eh, she’s not a big fan...go figure.

Happy Friday, all.

Cheers!!

18 Kids and Counting: The Duggar Family, Huckabee, and TLC, are Freaking Me Out!!

I have mentioned that I don’t watch much TV other than news/political talk shows, sports, and Seinfeld re-runs.

I am even more out of the idiot box loop when it comes to TV reality shows. Hate em’.

Sunday night I was watching my favorite Arkansan (outside of Jay), Mike Huckabee, on FOX News.

Huckabee’s show blows, but I find it to be the Lawrence Welk Show of political punditry offerings, and seriously, watching old episodes of The Lawrence Welk Show is funny.

The Huckster had a family on his show that when I saw them, my mouth became agape…canyon-like…wider than Lindsay Lohan’s legs.

The family? The Duggars. Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar and their 18 kids. I had never heard of these people.

Evidently, Jim Bob, Michelle and their 1 ½ dozen kids have a reality show on TLC…The Learning Channel. It’s called, 18 Kids and Counting, and many of you, unlike me, have heard of it.

A few things came to mind when I saw this congregation of familial fundamentalism. The first thing?

I asked out loud to no one in particular…WTF?

The second thing that came to mind? Who the hell wants to have 18 frickin’ kids? Hell, my mom and dad had nine kids and I thought they were bat-shit crazy for having that many.

The third thing that came to mind…?

Holy Shit…Michelle’s hoo-ha has to be wider than my mouth which was at the time of that thought, lying on the floor approximately 5’7” below my incredibly kissable, yet quivering top lip.

The Huckster interviewed Jim Bob, Michelle and the rest of the Cirque du Duggars, and it became apparent that they thought God was responsible for this ginormous born-again family.

Prayer, God’s blessings, and home schooling led to this gargantuan family that is only a kicker and punter short of a starting football roster.

I don’t fucking think so. God had nothing to do with this.

The God I know would not permit a man from Arkansas named Jim Bob to produce 18 kids with a chick named Michelle who is neither his mom, sister, and/or cousin. Arkansas should now and forever be known as, The Un-Natural State.

God would also not allow the parents to name all 18 kids with a name that starts with the letter “J”.

In honor of God’s son, the J-Man, there is a Joy…a Joshua…and a Jeremiah. How hopeful and biblical. There is also an older daughter named, Jinger. Jinger? With a J?
I went to the Duggar Family website...

Jinger’s favorite hobby is riding horses. I think that between the name Jinger and her penchant for riding horses, I see a pole dancing and/or porn career in Jinger’s future.

Where I am going with all of this? I have no idea. But I do know a couple of things…

A couple who produces 18 kids, is pretty damn crazy.

In fact, Jim Bob and Michelle having 18 kids makes them twice as crazy as my parents.

I know one other thing as well…

Home Schooling may teach a person a helluva lot about Creationism but it doesn’t teach a person one damn thing about birth control.

Cheers!!

Wake Up With Al and The Weather Channel...A Less Than Dynamic Duo

Early Tuesday morning, I was thinking about the July 20th debut of The Weather Channel’s, Wake Up With Al show…again.

Thinking about my boycott of said show, I began pacing (I think better when I pace) through the Bagwine digs, when something caught my eye.

Upon looking out of my window, I was struck by a beautiful view. I went outside and snapped the picture that you see to the right.

Between the delicate pastels of the sky, the cooing of a mourning dove, and the low hum of the traffic, I felt at ease.

It was a feeling that I hadn’t experienced since I was but a mere fetus swirling, swooshing and swimming around within the warm, moist comfort of my mother’s vodka laden amniotic fluid.

Because of this feeling, I temporarily eschewed my displeasure with TWC and my loathing of Al Roker. With a summery smile upon my face and a spring in my step, I went back inside.

I sat down at my computer, opened my e-mail, and read the following:

Hi Matt,

Thank you for your letter. Clearly you are a passionate, long-time viewer of The Weather Channel, and we are grateful for that. We appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your feedback about some of the things we are doing. As you might imagine, we cannot please every viewer with everything we do, so our goal when we make changes is to appeal to as many viewers as possible. The majority of our research and viewer feedback indicates we are moving in the right direction.

I understand that this may not include you and may not address your specific concerns, but please know that we have reviewed and considered them, as we take all viewer feedback seriously, including those I will get due to your blog direction.

Thank you again for contacting us. I do hope you may, in time, reconsider tuning to The Weather Channel, but we are always happy to hear from our viewers and appreciate you relaying your position.

Sincerely,
Melissa Medori
Public Relations Associate Manager
The Weather Channel
www.weather.com/press

I thought that was incredibly nice of Ms. Medori to respond to my letter of intent to boycott and to check out my blog. And, in such an incredibly quick manner I might add.

I gave second and even tertiary thoughts to my proposed boycott after reading her well thought out response. She seems so sincere and nice, and…I bet she’s hot.

I mean, I went to High School with five chicks named Melissa and all of them were good looking…but I digress.

Maybe, I thought, I should give Al “Global Warming Is The Result Of The Vapid Carbon Emissions That Emanate From My Mouth Whenever I Speak” Roker another chance. But, later in the day I snapped a picture of this:

It’s a picture of cirrocumulus clouds obstructing the sun and forming a mackerel sky. I knew then, that we in Bagwine, Ohio may be in for some storms within 12-24 hours.

Which made me ruminate…If there is a severe storm threat between 6 and 7 A.M. during the weekdays…

Do you want Al “Now, Tell Me Again…What’s The Difference Between a Warning and a Watch” Roker helping out the smart and uber-pleasing to the eyes meteorologist, Stephanie Abrams, or would you rather have another well-informed meteorologist manning that Doppler?

I think the answer is clear, and it leads me back to my original position. I will boycott The Weather Channel as long as NBC’s corporate clown and shill, Mr. Roker is employed by TWC.

I’ll find my forecast and warnings elsewhere…I hope you’ll join me, and if you have a second, be sure to email the most kind and responsive Melissa Medori at:

mmedori@weather.com

and let her know that you are, Just Saying No to Roker. Or if you're in a hurry, just type in, Just Saying No-ker.

Knowing that you have let your opinion be heard will keep me singing in the rain…

Lastly, I want to let you know that this boycott is being joined by the one and only Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay.

Yes, Jay has become, like me, a TWAT. Those Wanting Al Tossed.

For the mighty Viking of Arkansas’ take on this and his open letter to Ms. Medori, stop on over to his site by clicking HERE.

Remember folks…Take shelter when a tornado warning is issued. Never play golf during a thunderstorm, and never…And I mean NEVER, Wake Up With Al.

Cheers!!

Gimme The Schmoop, The Whole Schmoop, And Nothing But The Schmoop

Hola Bitches!!

Sorry Jay...For some reason I just felt like saying it, and it just felt right.

Hope you don’t mind me borrowing your phrase; I promise not to make a habit of it.

Anyhoo…

As I reported yesterday, Schmoop is going to contribute to Bagwine Ruminations once or twice a week, beginning tomorrow.

Here’s the problem I have…or that we have…or…um, me…yeah, this is going to take some getting used to. I’m very protective of my site, y’know. Um, as I said, Anyhoo…

I…er…we…have yet to come up with a clever name for her segments.

Oh sure, we have come up with plenty of possibilities, but none of them, “do it for me.”

We’ve thought of the following:

Schmoop is Bitchin’…That says two things. She is always bitchin’ and she is hot, but…eh, that’s okay.

The Schmoop Scoop…That kinda sounds like a type of celebrity gossip show, of which I loathe.

What the Fuck!?…She came up with that, and she does say it often, but that somewhat limits her range of emotions.

Bagwhine With Schmoop…She does whine, but like the above title, it confines her.

We’ve also considered…Schmoopology, Schmoop Sez, The Straight Poop From Schmoop.

Well, tomorrow is THE day that she makes her full-fledged, complete partnership debut here on Bagwine Ruminations and I…er…we need help.

If you have any ideas as to what we should call her offerings, please let us know.

It would be ideal to have her name in the title, but it is in no way a pre-requisite. If it’s funny, we’ll go with it.

So there you have it folks, lay it on me…er…us. I know that we can count on you for something pretty damn funny.

While you work on that, I'll take some new pictures of the Schmoop...a fresh start calls for some fresh pics.

Have a wonderful Hump Day, and get to humpin’ on those ideas.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Jump Ball

I have to Praise Jeebus for Jay for today’s post…

I sent him a picture of this cheerleader from Morehead State and said the following…

"Exactly what this chick is cheering about is written all over her chest."

Jay in turn, made mention of a Catholic school that had made a tournament.

In fact, Catholic universities have made a profound impact on the NCAA tournament this year…

Dayton, Boston College, Marquette, Gonzaga, Siena, Xavier, and most importantly Villanova have made one helluva crappie crunching impact on this year’s tournament.

However, Jay sent me a picture of some fans from a Catholic University, in Nebraska of all places, that while they should have made the NCAA tournament, wound up in the NIT, the Creighton Blue Jays…

WTF? Is this what the Baby Jeebus wants from Catholic institutions?

A T-Shirt wearing chick who is never going to get laid, begging to give a blow job?

Screw the anti-Christ-like harlots in this picture...

I for one am offended by the fact that someone who is giving up junk food during Lent sent me this picture.

Is Jay merely giving lip service to the Holy Baby Jeebus? Is he firm in his love for the Lord?

I hate these types of pictures. They are misogynistic, disgusting, hot, and sinful.

Jay…while my initial thought is to rebuke you, I pray for your soul.

Repent, my good man…repent.

Amen, and Amen.

That’s all I have for today. I am working all day on Sunday, and then off to see Ryno.

Until the 'morrow…Enjoy your Sabbath.

Cheers!!