Ahhhh. My day off. I needed it. I was speaking and thinking in nonsense.And boy howdy, do I have big plans for today.
I am going to finish my Christmas cards today (many of them went out yesterday).
Schmoop is coming home early, and I am going to color her hair again. I wanted to go green with her locks for Christmas but she nixed that idea.
I thought not only would green hair be festively yuletidish, the next time we got naked together it would be like having hot sex with a Martian chick.
Alas, I am using Garnier Intense Auburn upon her tresses once again…
That’s cool, ‘cause it really brings out her eyes, allowing me to more easily notice them spinning counter-clockwise.
I am making a casserole for dinner as well. I’ll make it up early, you know, before I get really blottoed.
I have yet to determine what is going into it. But, I am the Casserole King, so no fears.
I may even update and video a Christmas Carol today as well. I just feel like singing.
I’ll crack open a beer by 8 A.M. and sing along with my Peter, Paul, and Mary Christmas CD to get me in the mood.
I need to shave and trim up my goatee today as well. I look a little ragged.
I mean, I love Jeebus, but I don’t want to look all unkempt and unclean like him.
It’s Christmas time, I want to look like a well-wrapped present with bows and ribbon, n’shit.
Wait just a minute folks…
I just realized something. I am going to be doing the following things today.
I am doing a woman’s hair. Handcrafting Christmas cards. Cooking dinner. Singing to Peter, Paul, and Mary. Trimming my facial hair, and hoping to be dressed in bows and ribbon.
Yesterday, I claimed that my buddy Vinny was gay. Holy Crap. My activities for the day indicate that maybe it is I who needs to come out of the closet…
Nahhhhh. I’m not gay. If I was, I wouldn’t have put this at the top of my Christmas Wish List…
That’s right. I want to be slathered in mayo, pressed between those two lovelies, and be the meat in a Jessica Sandwich.
Yummmmmmm.
Actually, as good as that sounds (and looks), I don’t need that wish to come true.
I can always, with continued luck, get naked with Schmoop, imagine that her hair is green, and have incredible sex with My Favorite Martian.
Cheers!!
60 comments:
LOL and then LOL again.
Michele: Ha. Thanks. Glad you got a laugh out of it. Have a wunnerful rest of the night and a lovely Thursday. Cheers!!
Nanu Nanou~
Cheesy: Thanks alot. Robin Williams creeps me out. Cheers Cheesy!!
Maybe you guys could compromise and only half of Schmoop's hair would be green? That would be hot!
Those Jessica's may look great, but their combined IQ's don't reach triple digits. At some point that would become annoying. Not sure how long that would be, but it would happen eventually. ;-)
hello, I came to your blog through another - to be honest I don't even remember how I got here, but I did and I went back to read some of your old posts and you're just too damn funny. Take care and keep up the good work.
You lost me at "That’s cool, ‘cause it really brings out her eyes, allowing me to more easily notice them spinning counter-clockwise.
Maybe it's just because it's 3:40 in the blessed A.M.
Later, closet boy.
A day of playing beauty shop - a little hair coloring - a little manscaping - I think I may have to keep you and Vinny apart for a while.
These celeb's always use my pics as their body doubles. They could AT LEAST pay me. dammit.
Jay: I'll run that buy her. I like the idea. As for those two being annoyingly slow, I think I could find ways to ignore it. I do the same for Tyra Banks. Cheers!!
Tony: Why thank you very much. You not knowing how you got here assures me that you're my type of reader. Cheers Tony!!
Songbird: Ha. I hope you're sleeping well now. Cheers!!
Dana: No need to separate us. With any luck, later today Schmoop will remind me of the joys of heterosexuality. Cheers!!
Vodka: I meant to attach an "ass"terik to those photos and give you credit. I'll remember next time. Cheers VM!!
Keep believing that Matt...Living the lie has worked for you this long...
Bond: It's not a lie...because I believe it. Cheers!!
Let me get this straight. You want to die my hair green, but you want to have sex with Ray Walston???? I'm confused...
Schmoop: Noooo silly. If your hair was green that would make YOU my favorite Martian. Although in his day, Ray Walston was smokin' hot. Cheers Sexy!!
And once again...you prove the lie...
Ray Walston.... YUP
LIES!
Bond: Finding Ray Walston hot doesn't mean that I am gay; it means that I am irreverent. Hey...that was pretty good, no? Cheers!!
No it means you are gay...
I am thinking I am going to get Starr, Songbird, Jay, RLL, Cheesy and others to meet with me in Bagwine...
Time for a Gay Intervention folks...
...If only the Son of God would just put on a pair of slacks...
Bond: Nevermind the intervention but if you guys want to come to Bagwine that'd be cool. We'll have an orgy. You and Jay can find a corner, and I'll get it on with the other guests that you mentioned. Cheers Vin!!
Phfrankie: Ha. You son of a bitch. Another classic one liner by the P-Man, ladies and gentlemen. Cheers Phfrankie!!
It doesn't mean you are gay--it means you are a bi-sexual multitasker*giggling*
Come to Memphis with Schmoop!
TB: Maybe it means I am Tri-Sexual for Ray's not only a male, but an alien as well.
As for walking in Memphis...You guys will have to work on Schmoop 'bout that. Cheers TB!!
But wait!! There's more!!...I'll bet Ray Walston was a dynamo in the sack...
Ohfrankie: Ha. Okay now stop it. And if you start making Bill Bixby references you'll be on probation here. Cheers!!
Dangit...I thought I was over that drooling problem. It's those Jessicas! They get me every time!
Travis: No kiddin' Those two could get together and open a drool factory. Ai Yi Yi. Cheers Trav!!
God Bless Jess (and Jess)
Dr. Blogstein: You are obviously a Doctor, for you know a healthy body when you see one. Cheers DB!!
ScarJo owns both Jessicas :P
What kinda casserole? I am waiting on breakfast here and I am starving so I am living vicariously through your menu :P
Starr: What? Jessica Biel is HAWT!! Mmmmmm. I can't tell you what I am making but I making it now. I don't want to give it away to Schmoop. But trust me, it's a new concoction. Cheers!!
Phht, casserole tease :P
The hottest thing about Biel is the guys she is schtupping ;)
Starr: Wow..I disagree. I mean Scarlett is hot, but Biel? She just does something for me. Of course, so do most women. Cheers!!
Martians could have auburn hair. Make her a set of antennae and you are good to go.
Knight: Speaking of someone who "does something for me"...Icksnay on the antennae. There's only one antenna in the house and it's mine. Cheers Sexy!!
See she is just not one of my Team Switchers. Neither is Alba, outside of Sin City. Gotta give the girl props for that role.
Scarjo, Angelina, Giselle (shoulda had a baby with Leo, just imagine the hotness of that kid)and my all time Girl Crush, Shirley Manson. Thems are the chicks I'd switch for.
Starr: Please, I beg of you...Stop It!! Refrain from conjuring up images in my head. I'm trying to cook here. Cheers!!
Um... sometimes home colour kits make the hair green by mistake...
Notice how Vincent didn't invite me to the intervention? That's cause he so knows I'd turn the tables on him. Ive got your back... and your front ;)
Dinner sounds yummy =)
DAMN! I left Eva Green off the list. She is just gorgeousness.
Dude! I LOVE Robin Williams!
Anndi: Vin may have not invited you, but you are more than welcome to intervene with me ANY time you'd like. Cheers!!
Starr: In the words of Hemmingway...She saw it. She liked the looks of it. She will eat it.
As for Williams, I like him as an actor quite a bit, as a comedian, I find him wayyyyyyyy overrated. Cheers!!
I liked Robin's special waaaaay back in the 80's in San Fran. Where he does Elmer Fudd singing Bruce Springsteen. That was made of win.
Hemingway sounds better coming from you than it did from Papa, I will give you that much.
Tell Miz Schmoops howdy from me! She can have my portion. Ya just can't count on UPS these days.
Starr: I'll tell her that. And as far as acts based on other characters, I prefer Kaufmann's Mighty Mouse. I never thought he was all that funny, but that is a classic. Cheers!!
Any was WEIRD!
You to TB: TB: Maybe it means I am Tri-Sexual for Ray's not only a male, but an alien as well.
Silly boy. Don't you know the term is spelled "try-sexual" as in "I'll try anything!"?
David Bowie said that, Desert =)
Starr: Sure he was, but he had his moment(s). And that may have been his only one. Cheers!!
Songbird: That's not true. I gave up trying anything or more accurately, "anyone", years ago. Cheers!!
Anndi is infatuated with me...she must add me to all her comments
Bond: Infatuted...Remorseful...Perplexed....It's all the same thing. Cheers!
Beats inflatulated ;)
I kill myself.
Really.
It's okay. I don't mind it if my men are a bit "metrosexual".
Purrrrrrrrr...
I bet you would look good with Schmoop ala green hair and you in your fancy boxers.
As you were mentioning all the things you were going to do today I thought the train of your thought would go towards, you channelling Martha Stewart. I bet that thought will soften up the ol' tallywacker.
Holy crap, I am here two days in a row, that truly sucks.......
It appears that you are not too good at negotiating, maybe you should join the UAW......
What is SUB pay?
SUB stands for Supplemental Unemployment Benefits. First negotiated in 1955, this program is intended to provide a secure annual wage for auto industry workers.
Government-funded unemployment benefits typically replace only 1/3 to 1/2 of a laid-off worker’s former wages. SUB payments supplement these benefits, and are structured such that when added to government benefits, a laid-off UAW-represented worker will receive a gross income of approximately 95 percent of his or her take-home pay for a 40-hour week, less a deduction of $25 for work-related expenses not incurred.
inflatulated...
hot air...
same difference!
I think Lu's on to something...
Schmoop's red robe, one of you with green hair and your balls and it would be a festive sight indeed.
but not the same as infatuated...
hope the casserole and hair coloring came out fine after your drinking too much Bagwine
OOOO Poetry!
You want to have sex with MY FAVORITE MARTIAN? Wasn't that a guy that played him in the show? And now here we are right back to the gay question again...
You know...I complete understood that nonsense you were speaking in the first picture. I majored in Nonsense all throughout school.
I'm ready to sing with PPM too. A Soulin' is me favorite...
She NIXED the green hair proposal? What is wrong with the woman!? Oh, yeah, I guess she's just sane, LOL
Green! Sheesh man! Nutter!
Starr: Ha. I'm sure you do. Cheers!!
Giggle: That doesn't really describe me. I'm more of bagwinesexual. Cheers GP!!
Lu: Thanks for killing the mood. Cheers Lu!!
Charlie: Ya just can't stay away can ya. Thanks for the info. Cheers!!
Anndi: It was a very festive night...I think. Cheers!!
Bond: Everything turned out just dandy...but my head really hurts. Cheers!!
VE: Of course YOU would understand those words. And yeah, I dig A Soalin' as well. Cheers!!
Dutch: Mmmmmmmmm. It's lovely to see you. It soothes my hangover. Cheers DB!!
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