Let's Get Jiggy With Kwanzaa

Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s Eve/Day…

The long time Holy Trinity of the Holiday Season.

However, in 1966 some upstart social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little ebony mixed in with all of the red and green.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’a problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among black Americans.

Not wanting to be referred to by the bruthas as , "The Matt-Man who is keeping me down.”, I of course, have a few suggestions to help put Kwanzaa on the Holiday map.

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews already have the menorah.

If you want to light something, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe.

Hell, do this every day for seven days, and even your white neighbors will be interested in celebrating with you.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…


Yep, Bantu Claus…riding threw the Kwanzaa sky in his wildebeest drawn wooden cart, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

And since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We, unlike uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols...It’s a pagan thing anyway.

Here’s what I think would be a tree that you folks would all be happy to share and gather around…

And to all of my bruthas out there…this tree is nothing like how you feel about certain aspects of sex with the ladies, this is something even you would eat. Kwanzaa-Licious!!

If you do want to inject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh.

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome.

You see, both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my brothers and sisters, you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what we do. Dump the principles and any type of holiday meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!