Frankie Valli Blows...and So Does Drive-By Mikey!!

Feels like a good time for some Tuuuuuuesday Stream of Consciousness…

Oh what a night, late December back in ‘63. Auuugh!!

It never fails…

When I work with Drive-By Mikey at the Beer Mine on Mondays and Tuesdays…by 10:05 AM he starts singin’ a song and it’s stuck in mind head when I get home at 9:15 PM!!

It was an uneventful day at the Mine, but two of my fave chick customers came through, including my new Tyra Banks looking babe.

This mocha-cheena babe has the hots for me. Of course, if she ever read the Kwanzaa post I did last December, I think she’d change her mind.

My cat is laying on the floor next to me with her head resting on my mic headset. She’s odd, but cute. Kinda like yours truly.

What a very special time for me…cause I remember, what a night!! Doo-Doo-Doo. Fuckin’ Frankie Valli. Dago Bastard!!

Ima gonna shave my head Wednesday. Anyone wanna oil it when I’m done? Maybe I’ll have the mocha-cheena babe oil it up if she comes through on Thursday night.

I think Newt Gingrich has lost his fucking mind. He says that Obama suffers from Kenyan Anti-Colonialism. I think Newt suffers from penis and Palin envy.

I’m drinking a 24 ounce Labatts as I type thi--I felt a rush like a rolling bolt of thunder…spinnin’ my head around and takin’ my body under…Fucking Mikey!!

There’s a bug crawling on the wall…hold on…Got him. Got another 11 hour shift today. My feet are howling. Mikey is such a slave driver!!

Actually not, but I have a bone to pick with him, or more accurately, his wife. She’s a great cook and Mike brings leftovers in all the time.

Holy Shit…It’s all good and I eat it all. I regularly worked in 90 degree heat this summer at the Mine and still gained weight.

Holy Cow, I need a smoke…Mmmmmmmm…What a lady, what a nighhhht. Must…make…it…stop!!

Ha!! I just saw a commercial for a local hearing aid company. Their phone number is 1-866-GOT-EARS. That’s some funny shit right there, boy.

Okay…enough of this stream. I need to save some for our radio show on Sunday, however, there is one last bit of business.

Ladies and Gentlemen…Time for another installment of, “Our Moment of Mexican Merriment with Luis!!”

The back of Luis' truck full of ice as he backed in…

And here is the back of his truck as he pulled out to go to his next stop…

Ha!! Actually Luis caught me this time and took a picture of me, but…

In the name of Mexican-American relations, he went ahead and left the sign on the back until his next stop.

Luis is such a buen huevo and funny fuck like that.

10-9 again today, so I shall catch you all later.

Cheers!!

Christmas Is Over But The Party Goes On

Christmas is over and I hope yours was all that you hoped it would be and more.

Actually, I hope it wasn’t more than you wanted it to be because that would be just selfish. And that is soooo, anti-Christmas.

Of course the holidays continue what with New Year’s Eve fast approaching and today marks the beginning of Kwanzaa.

So, be on the look out for Bantu Claus going house to house tonight dropping off toys to good little black kids, and stealing flat screen TV’s from their crack smoking parents, or more accurately...their parent.

For my full take on Kwanzaa you can click HERE. It is pretty funny, if not incredibly offensive.

Anyhoo… I would be remiss in my duties if I didn’t mention my Christmas.

Our family gala Christmas Eve was fun as always and my Creamy Christmas Pasta Salad was a big hit. No, I’m not kidding…everyone dug it, and dug into it like a pack of ravenous wolves.

I stayed all night as I always do on Christmas Eve with Ryno and his mom. Being the selfless motherfucker that I am, I cooked them breakfast Christmas morning, and then Ryno opened his presents.

He got some great stuff such as Glow in the Dark boxers…large sums of cash…a new basketball, and center court tickets to a Cleveland Cavaliers basketball game on February 6th among a ton of other stuff.

Other than the tickets to the game, his favorite present was a winter hat that he had requested. His grandma refuse to buy it because she would not be responsible for him wearing it.

No fears, Mom came through and here’s the end result…

Tres Chic, no? It’s as if my son wanted a hat that says, “Hey world!! Look at me and my funniness!!” I have no idea from whom he gets that attitude. But, the hat looks so bad that it looks good on him.

The rest of Christmas Day here at the Bagwine digs consisted of Schmoop and I just hanging out and tipping a few with her brother Dave who stopped by.

We also stopped by Pizza Bill’s house briefly in order to pick up one of his uber-delicious pizzas. I thank him for taking the time to make it for us, on Christmas Day no less.

We were also fortunate enough to receive a Christmas phone call from the lady who is the catalyst for my nocturnal emissions…Dianne.

I only talked to Dianne for a short time as the conversation was hijacked by Schmoop and Di rattling on with each other.

Schmoop was thrilled to get to speak with Dianne’s son, her son that Schmoop finds incredibly hot. So nice.

When Di’s son was summoned to talk to Schmoop on the phone, her son asked, “Who am I talking to Mom?” To which Dianne replied without hesitation…

“It’s the girlfriend of the man that your mom wants to have sex with.” So warm, so Christmassy, so Dianne.

There you have it my friends…I hope your day was a good one.

Today I am back to work, but only from 11-4, so later today the revelry shall begin anew and hopefully I will have sex for the second day in a row. That would be quite a feat…for me.

Cheers!!

Kwanzaa: Light The Pipe and Make Your Wish

The first day of Hanukkah has passed and Christmas is ten days away, but let us not forget that on December 26th, the celebration of Kwanzaa begins.

Allow me to 'splain...

In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.

And incidentally, no self-respecting black person should be going all Hebrewistic on anyone. Sammy Davis, Jr. did that and what happened to him?

The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…

If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.

Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.

Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…

And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…

Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

December...It's For Sarcastic Bastards

Well folks, it’s finally here…DECEMBER!! My favorite month of the year.

We have Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Muslim New Year observance on December 18th, Al Hijra.

And guess what?

We are going to make fun of each and every one of these holidays as we do every year here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Today also marks the unofficial beginning to another year in The War on Christmas (Sponsored by the National Review and FOX News).

Bill “I Need More Tinsel” O’Reilly will undoubtedly be once again leading the charge against evil secularists who want to pee all over the Holy Birthday Cake of the Little Baby Jeebus.

Of course let us not forget the solemnity of December 7th. This December 7th marks the 68th anniversary of the dastardly attack on Pearl Harbor by those sneaky yellow devils from Japan.

I will remember Pearl Harbor Day as I always do…by telling one of my favorite jokes of all time.

Did you hear about the guy who was half black, half Japanese? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!!

Nothing like mixing some solemnity with hilarity.

Anyhoo…That’s all I have today. Consider this post to be a preface for the hijinx and frivolity to be on tap during this holiday rich month here at BR.

Oh, one other thing…

As I did last year, I am offering to send Christmas cheer through the mail. If you’d like a Christmas card from me just drop me an email with your name and address and I’ll send it out.

One caveat…

Unlike last year, I am not hand making each card. My left hand had cramps for days last year and for once it wasn’t from jacking off to a picture of the Virgin Mary in a stable, laying atop a bale of hay while fully dilated.

Oh shut up, it was a gift. Anyway, I’ll be signing and sending store bought cards so let me know if you’d like one.

Now that you know what will be going on, I bid you a happy Tuesday.

Cheers!!

Let's Get Jiggy With Kwanzaa

Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s Eve/Day…

The long time Holy Trinity of the Holiday Season.

However, in 1966 some upstart social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little ebony mixed in with all of the red and green.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’a problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among black Americans.

Not wanting to be referred to by the bruthas as , "The Matt-Man who is keeping me down.”, I of course, have a few suggestions to help put Kwanzaa on the Holiday map.

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews already have the menorah.

If you want to light something, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe.

Hell, do this every day for seven days, and even your white neighbors will be interested in celebrating with you.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…


Yep, Bantu Claus…riding threw the Kwanzaa sky in his wildebeest drawn wooden cart, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

And since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We, unlike uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols...It’s a pagan thing anyway.

Here’s what I think would be a tree that you folks would all be happy to share and gather around…

And to all of my bruthas out there…this tree is nothing like how you feel about certain aspects of sex with the ladies, this is something even you would eat. Kwanzaa-Licious!!

If you do want to inject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh.

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome.

You see, both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my brothers and sisters, you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what we do. Dump the principles and any type of holiday meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Baby Jeebus is Drawing Nigh

It’s a warmish yet windy Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

The temp should peak right around 51 or so, however the winds will be gusting to around 40 mph today.

It will be enjoyable working all day today in temperate weather in spite of the bluster. I can dig it.

I received a few cards in the mail from some of you yesterday. That was nice, especially after finding out that Schmoop is going to get laid off.

I have a couple left to mail out tomorrow, but if you sent me your address rest assured you’ll get it before the birth of the Baby Jeebus.

Between my hangover Friday, work, and the post layoff blues I suffered a creative setback in regards to card making.

As for my work schedule…Can you feel the love on this?

At least for awhile, I will be working half a day Saturday, all day Sunday thru Tuesday and then off, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

My liver is quivering in both anticipation and fear over this schedule…as is Schmoop.

One thing, I’ll be able to get about Bloglandia more than I have of late. I haven’t kept to my regular reading schedule lately.

Oh well, we all go through that I guess.

Anyhoo, this week I will be ramping up the Christmas fun here at Bagwine Ruminations.

I am going to post a video later this week, give a dissertation on Kwanzaa, and do a couple of other Holiday related things.

In typical Bagwine fashion, all items will be completely offensive and not in keeping with the good will of the season.

Except for one story that I have for you on Monday.

The picture at the beginning of this post, relates to a story I will be letting you in on tomorrow…a story about giving til’ it hurts.

With all of that being said on this third Sunday of Advent, I shall conclude this service with the following brief video that I captured last night.

Enjoy…

Cheers!!

Let The Jewish Reindeer Games Begin in Africa!!

This is it folks…It’s December 1st.

Let the month long Bagwine Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa Celebration commence.

I am going to bring you closer to the Baby Jeebus, let you play with my dreidel, and help you to discover your inner Hattie McDaniel and/or LeVar Burton.

Oh yeah, we’re gonna cover it all, bitches.

Let’s get things kicked-off with our second installment of…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree!!

Today we have gifts to dish out to two more lovely individuals.

Let’s bring in this titanic box first, and call in my best friend, fellow sinner, and voracious lover, Schmoop, to come sit neath’ the tree.

Now Schmoop, has begun to whine about her impressive boobies beginning to sag as she nears her 43rd Birthday.

I for one, find them to be just fine. Then again, I am not the kind of guy who is consumed by the superficiality of what the size of a chick’s fun bags may be.

But…

This isn’t about me. It’s about Schmoop, and if I can give her a present that puts a bounce in her step and provides her with a little more self-esteem, I’ll do it.

So, my cheeky monkey you, I give you these...



Your augmentation is scheduled for December 19th. That will give me you ample time to break them in and get used to them before Christmas…much like a new pair of hi-heels.

I hope this proves to you just how much I love you, and how I put my self-interests second to yours. Merry Christmas, Schmoop!!

Our next present is for a man who quietly amuses me often, and who has a massive mind that is full of insightful words and Lordly knowledge.

The man with the massive mind of whom I speak? Sometimes Saintly Nick, of Nick’s Bytes.

He’s an ordained minister with an attitude, and that? I dig.

However, I feel he has a problem. All of that knowledge that he stores in his head has to carry quite a bit of weight.

One head surely cannot feel comfortable with all of the blessings, wisdom, and soul saving that goes on inside of it.

So, what have I gotten Pastor Nick? Simple.

Nick, I have gotten you an additional head to help lighten your liturgical load!! And what more appropriate head than this one?




That’s right, I am giving you the head of John the Baptist…

The disembodied head that directed Johnny to baptize Holy Jeebus. As the French would call him, St. Jean Baptiste himself, or as most folks around Bagwine call him…

“That Crazy, Headless, Heeb Motherfucker, Who Was All the Time Tryin’ to Drown Jews, N'shit”

Let loose your thoughts, Nick, and store the excess in his Salome inspired decapitated noggin. You can recall them any time that you’d like.

Merry Baby Jeebus Day you magical, mirth making, Man of the Cloth, you.

Happy December to you all. Make it a magical Monday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: First Sunday of Advent

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6

The prophet Isaiah, or as I call him, Izzy, said words to that effect nearly 2,800 years ago. He prophesized, the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Most think that Izzy’s visions were divinely inspired; I however, think they were the result of smoking too much Assyrian grass that had been tainted with goat piss.

Nonetheless…

Today marks the first Sunday of Advent in the Christian church…a period marking the anticipation of the Virgin Mary spittin’ out the infant J-Man from her most Holy Hoo-Ha.

Today, we light the first of four Advent candles, the Candle of Hope.

While the lighting of this candle marks the preparation of making one worthy through grace and communion to befit the Lord’s arrival…

In the Catholic Church, it is also an igniting of hope that this year’s Advent services will be far shorter in length than previous ones.

We have already had a bang up start to the Jeebus Birthday season…

A trampled to death Wal*Mart worker, gunfire over X-Boxes, and Bill O’Reilly’s War on Christmas hard-on warming up in the manger.

Merry Fuckin’ Christmas, indeed…This Christmas season is going to be great!!

And tomorrow, here at Bagwine Ruminations, we shall kick off our month long tribute to the holidays.

Christmas, Hanukkah, and that quasi-holiday celebration of Kwanzaa shall all be covered with the discerning professionalism that only my staff can deliver.

Be Afraid Merry…Be Very Afraid Merry.

We will post some traditional Bagwine stuff…Some new music, videos, and pictures of the tackiest of decorations that can be found here in my lovely town.

Tomorrow, we will start with my second installment of, Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree. I will be handing out virtual presents to Schmoop and to Sometimes Saintly Nick.

Weather permitting, I will also shoot a video tonight after work of our downtown and its Christmas decorations, and post it tomorrow as well.

Aren’t you excited? Amen and Halleluiah, I know damn well you are.

So with that…I am working all day again today in the beer mines. I hope to catch up with you all on Monday.

Let the final days of the Jeebus Gestation period begin!!

Cheers!!