Happy Hanukkah 2010

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, “Praise Morey Amsterdam.” Yeah, that’ll work.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs.

They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude to the Almighty by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to earn millions and ultimately take over the world. Those people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over and control the media in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house by sending them on luxurious trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

If I ever get the chance to bang the burning bush of Sarah Silverman, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa.”

To all of my Jewish friends out there, eat, drink, be merry, and bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV, Holofernes, and Mel Gibson.

Cheers and L’Chaim!!

Oy Vay!! Don’t forget to catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio this Friday night at 11 PM EST.

We will be celebrating Hanukkah with our Jew-a-Palooza. Also if you’d like to be our Blogger of the Week, email either one of us and let us know, and we will interview you live on air.

You can go to our BTR page by clicking HERE.

Kwanzaa: Light The Pipe and Make Your Wish

The first day of Hanukkah has passed and Christmas is ten days away, but let us not forget that on December 26th, the celebration of Kwanzaa begins.

Allow me to 'splain...

In 1966 some uppity social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little soul mixed in with all of the dreidel spinning and Andy Williams Christmas albums.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa, which means “first fruits”.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’s problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among the American population. I have a few suggestions…

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews hate to share not only their money but their ideas as well.

And incidentally, no self-respecting black person should be going all Hebrewistic on anyone. Sammy Davis, Jr. did that and what happened to him?

The diminutive, cycloptic bastard died, that’s what. Anyhoo…

If you Kwanzaanistas want to light something for your holiday, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe. A big, golden, Fat Albert sized crack pipe that's a blowin' that holy smoke.

Since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can still add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We Christians, unlike selfish, uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols.

Below is a picture of a tree that I am sure all of you dark continent celebratin’ mutha fuckahs would enjoy and be at home with…

And to all of my bruthas out there? Unlike when you’re lovin’ your ladies, there ain’t no fear in eatin’ this thing.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas also offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…

Yep, Bantu Claus…riding though the Kwanzaa sky in his ‘63 Buick Electra 225 with tricked out wheels and a gold hood ornament in the shape of Shaka Zulu’s head, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

If you do want to interject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a supernatural, yet human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh...

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome; both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my bruthas and sistahs, do you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what the rest of us do. Dump the principles and any type of deeper, spiritual meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

Hanukkah 2009: Let The Jew-a-Palooza Begin!!

Give a big shout out and a bellow on the shofar, Bitches…Hanukkah begins at sundown tonight. Praise Jeebus!!

Okay, “Praise Jeebus” doesn’t work…um…how ‘bout, Praise Judah!! Yeah, that’s cool.

Hanukkah is like Christmas for the Heebs. They party, give each other gifts, and sings songs. The only difference is that they don’t celebrate the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus, for obvious and murderous reasons.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to burn a light inside of a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So, they cut a deal with God, and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews showed their gratitude by killing his only begotten son.

Give a Jew a drop of candle oil and he’ll take a gallon…of your only offspring’s blood.

As I stated earlier, during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, knishes and wash them down with Manischewitz. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling so that they can admire themselves while having their Masada orally encroached upon or their Shabbat salad tossed.

This time of year, it’s good to be Jewish. Typically, Jews get a bad rap, especially the men of the Hebrew faith.

For eons, society has persecuted Jewish men for having such acute business acumen and therefore making piles and piles of gelt.

Even today, some people think that Jewish men control the media in order to gross millions and ultimately take over the world. These people are only half right.

Jews are attempting to take over many industries in order to make millions, but not so they can take over the world.

They are making as much money as they can so they can get their nagging, heavily cosmeticzed wives out of the house as often as they can by sending them on trips to Palm Beach, Atlantic City, and shopping sprees in the Big Apple.

Poor Jewish guys. They can’t even date and end up having real sex with a woman who isn’t Jewish because the woman will be reviled and called a, “Shiksa”.

How come when a Jewish chick is enamored by a non-Jewish guy, the guy in question isn’t derogatorily labeled?

As matter of equal rights among the Jewish sexes, shouldn’t the non-Jewish guy in question be pinned with a derogatory term? Damn right. So…

From now on, if I happen to become the target of affection from say Barbra Streisand, in addition to James Brolin becoming even more irrelevant, I want to be known as a, “Dicksa”.

Anyhoo…Where was I? Oh that’s right…Hanukkah.

To all of my Jewish friends out there, of which I have none, eat, drink, bring me the bloody heads of Antiochus IV and Holofernes, and all that happy Hanukkah crap.

And now, one of my favorite songs by Peter, Paul, and Mary and inspired by the plight of the Maccabees…

Happy Hanukkah and L’Chaim!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Grandpa, A Referee, and a Rabbi Walk Into a Basketball Game...

Another chilly but partly sunny Sabbath in Bagwine on tap for today.

I shall of course being working 11-7 doling out libation and nicotine to thirsty and Marlboro addicted football viewers.

As it should be.

I am headed over to Ryno’s tonight after work to go over his homework for a bit. I get the pleasure of also taking him to the orthodontist at eight tomorrow morning as well.

He is getting his second and final round of braces installed. I wish I could spend Christmas with the orthodontist. I bet there will be presents aplenty under his family’s tree.

Speaking of Ryno…His team lost 51-41 Friday night. On top of that, there are closed door discussions going on as to whether Grandpa should attend any more of Ryno’s games.

It seems that his 73 year old grandpa has spontaneously become an expert in the area of basketball officiating and loudly and forcefully will let his opinion be heard from the stands. I’m sorry I missed it.

The R-Man did play the entire game and finished with:

8 Pts. (including 2 shots made from 3 pt. range)
3 Rebounds
2 Assists
2 Blocks
4 Steals

We also found out that he has grown another inch and now stands 5’11”. A mere inch shorter than the Matt-Dad. Oy Vay!!

His next game is Friday 12/11. There should be magic in the air as tip off coincides with the beginning of Hanukkah.

Will the power of the magic Jewish candle help his private Christian school basketball team play better? Will the ref call players for double dreideling? Will Grandpa once again start kvetching and obnoxiously kibitz the refs from his seat..?

Only Yahweh knows.

There will be holiday fun o’plenty this week on Bagwine Ruminations. Unfortunately, as I will be tied up with work and other things Monday and Tuesday, it really won’t begin until Wednesday. But…

Much like anticipating the return of our Lord and Savior, Jeebus Christ, it should be well worth the wait.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday all, and I will see you when I can.

Cheers!!

December...It's For Sarcastic Bastards

Well folks, it’s finally here…DECEMBER!! My favorite month of the year.

We have Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and the Muslim New Year observance on December 18th, Al Hijra.

And guess what?

We are going to make fun of each and every one of these holidays as we do every year here at Bagwine Ruminations.

Today also marks the unofficial beginning to another year in The War on Christmas (Sponsored by the National Review and FOX News).

Bill “I Need More Tinsel” O’Reilly will undoubtedly be once again leading the charge against evil secularists who want to pee all over the Holy Birthday Cake of the Little Baby Jeebus.

Of course let us not forget the solemnity of December 7th. This December 7th marks the 68th anniversary of the dastardly attack on Pearl Harbor by those sneaky yellow devils from Japan.

I will remember Pearl Harbor Day as I always do…by telling one of my favorite jokes of all time.

Did you hear about the guy who was half black, half Japanese? Every December 7th he attacks Pearl Bailey!!

Nothing like mixing some solemnity with hilarity.

Anyhoo…That’s all I have today. Consider this post to be a preface for the hijinx and frivolity to be on tap during this holiday rich month here at BR.

Oh, one other thing…

As I did last year, I am offering to send Christmas cheer through the mail. If you’d like a Christmas card from me just drop me an email with your name and address and I’ll send it out.

One caveat…

Unlike last year, I am not hand making each card. My left hand had cramps for days last year and for once it wasn’t from jacking off to a picture of the Virgin Mary in a stable, laying atop a bale of hay while fully dilated.

Oh shut up, it was a gift. Anyway, I’ll be signing and sending store bought cards so let me know if you’d like one.

Now that you know what will be going on, I bid you a happy Tuesday.

Cheers!!

Hanukkah Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry...For Killing Our Savior

Well folks, Christmas is just three days away, but today is the first day of Hanukkah.

So, I think it only appropriate that I take time today to give a shout out and a blow on the shofar to our Messiah Killin’ Jew friends.

Actually, Hanukkah began at sunset Sunday night. That’s appropriate, since the first day of Winter began as well, and…

We all know how frigid those Jew chicks can be. But, this post is about the love I have for my Jewish brothers and sisters.

Hanukkah is also known as “The Festival of Lights” because centuries ago, some Heebs, called the Maccabees, refused to pay retail for enough candle oil to light a recently defiled temple for eight days…

So they cut a deal with God and The Almighty allowed the magic candle to burn for eight days.

Of course, roughly two centuries later the Jews broke their deal with God, and killed his only begotten son.

Give a Jew an inch of candle wick and he’ll take a mile…or your only offspring.

I guess during their pretentious eight day holiday, they sing songs, pass around money to each other that they surreptitiously gained by representing Christians in the entertainment industry, and eat.

They eat latkes, pontshkes, and knishes. They eat everything…except for their Jewish spouse or girlfriend.

Kosher chicks don’t dig that, unless there’s a mirror on the ceiling and they can admire themselves while having the hoo-ha humidified or their Shabbat salad tossed.

And well, that’s about it. Oh, there’s the whole dreidel thing, but is spinning a wooden top, really something to get excited about?

I’ll take Santa Claus over a block of wood with Hebrew writing all over it anytime. Hell, the damn thing probably spins right to left anyway. To me, that’s just not kosher.

In spite of all of that, I hope you guys have a lovely holiday. I am, after all, all about the love, joy, and togetherness of the season.

In fact, I hope your Hanukkah is filled with smiles as wide as the West Bank, laughter as loud as an Teheran marketplace, and bacon…

Lots and lots of bacon.

Cheers!!

Let's Get Jiggy With Kwanzaa

Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s Eve/Day…

The long time Holy Trinity of the Holiday Season.

However, in 1966 some upstart social academic decided that this time of the year needed a little ebony mixed in with all of the red and green.

Maulana Karenga founded a seven day celebration of African and African-American culture known as Kwanzaa.

There’s a candle lighting, a feast, gifts, and some kind of drinking going on. There’s an observance of things such as unity, faith, cooperative economics, purpose, blah, blah, blah.

Eh, sounds pretty boring to me. It has caught on here and there, but just isn’t taking off like the robust parties that take place for Jeebus followers and Jews.

Kwanzaa’a problem? It needs to be marketed, updated…commercialized. Only then, will it take off among black Americans.

Not wanting to be referred to by the bruthas as , "The Matt-Man who is keeping me down.”, I of course, have a few suggestions to help put Kwanzaa on the Holiday map.

First of all, ditch the multi-candle thing. The Jews already have the menorah.

If you want to light something, light something you’re familiar with…like a crack pipe.

Hell, do this every day for seven days, and even your white neighbors will be interested in celebrating with you.

Despite its religious foundations, Christmas offers some exciting, more secular traditions. You know, like Santa Claus.

You guys need to incorporate a jolly, gift delivering, midnight rider. Since Santa is taken, and keeping with your African theme, I suggest this guy…


Yep, Bantu Claus…riding threw the Kwanzaa sky in his wildebeest drawn wooden cart, delivering toys made by pygmies, to the good little black children.

He would playfully say, “Yo-Yo-Yo” in place of Santa’s “Ho-Ho-Ho” to avoid waking up black women all across the country who may think there’s a major booty call going on.

And since I am suggesting dumping the menorah, you can add color to your event with a Kwanzaa Tree. We, unlike uptight Jews, are happy to share our symbols...It’s a pagan thing anyway.

Here’s what I think would be a tree that you folks would all be happy to share and gather around…

And to all of my bruthas out there…this tree is nothing like how you feel about certain aspects of sex with the ladies, this is something even you would eat. Kwanzaa-Licious!!

If you do want to inject some religious solemnity into Kwanzaa, you need to have a human figure representin’.

I suggest a tale of how all of you of African descent can trace your roots back to a single baby boy. You can call him, The Masai-Uh.

A story about how he was found alone in an abandoned warehouse by some folks named Mel, Dre’, and Weezey would be cool.

You can refer to the holy trio as, “The Three Social Workers.”

See? Just a few adjustments and your Kwanzaa celebration will go from flat to phat in no time.

There is one problem with Kwanzaa, however, that just can’t be overcome.

You see, both the Christian and Jewish celebrations are based in fact.

Christians celebrate the birth of the Baby Jeebus…a boy who was fathered by an invisible man and given birth to by a woman who never had sex.

While a bit less exciting but no less true, the Jews have their magic candle. That burned, and burned, and burned….

As mentioned earlier, you guys are celebrating things like self-determination, creativity, and responsibility. You call that reality?

Gimme a break my brothers and sisters, you really think that type of celebration is gonna fly in America?

Do what we do. Dump the principles and any type of holiday meaning. It’s all about the bling.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Advent and Attacks

It is a frigid Second Sunday of Advent here in Bagwine, Ohio. The temp will only climb to a mere 23 degrees.

And yet, in that veritable wind tunnel of party supplies, I shall from 11-7 today, dole out God’s magnificence in the form of beer and cigarettes.

Not only is today the Second Sunday of Advent, it is also Pearl Harbor Day.

Sixty-seven years ago, those slant eyed devils from the Land of the Rising Sun attacked our fleet in Hawaii.

They snuck in undetected and surreptitiously in shifty, untrusting Asiatic manner.

Our Christian country was given a black eye by those yellow fisted, Buddha loving bastards from across the Pacific.

But over the course of the next few years, the heathen Japs would receive their just and Godly desserts courtesy of Uncle Sam.

We crushed their carrier fleet at Midway…We spilled their ochre blood at Tarawa and Okinawa. We lay Tokyo to cinders and vaporized two of their cities.

The most crushing blow we dealt?

After all of the that, we promptly rebuilt their entire country, modernized their manufacturing plants, and taught them the joys of capitalism.

Take that, Tojo!!

I have completely forgiven the Japanese for their dastardly acts of six decades ago, because I am full of the grace of God. Hell, the Bagwine mobile is a Honda. But…

It is a Honda built in America by big, burly Americans who drink Budweiser, watch football, and spend time with their families.

It was not built in Japan by short little islanders who drink tea, play ping pong, and perform self-flagellation should they suffer a heart attack and miss part of their shift.

If you would like to learn more about the attack on Pearl Harbor, try to catch the classic 1970 war film, “Tora! Tora! Tora!”…or as it was called upon its release in Israel, “Torah! Torah! Torah!”

Speaking of which, I came across this gem in the Torah…

Deuteronomy 14:6-7

You may eat any animal that has a split hoof divided in two and that chews the cud. However, of those that chew the cud or that have a split hoof completely divided you may not eat the camel, the rabbit, or the coney.

Please follow the above culinary rules when festivizing this Yule and/or Hanukkah season. Now hold on…

I know you’re thinking, “Okay, I won’t eat camel, and I can skip consuming rabbit, but coneys? Coney Dogs are delicious!!”

Fear not celebrants. While originally, “Thou shall refrain from eating coneys.” was the Eleventh Commandment...

It was repealed prior to being carved in stone when the Jews found that they could make a tasty coney dog using all-beef hot dogs.

Not only did this discovery enable us to today enjoy such a gastronomical delight, it was also a big ol’ Fuck You to the up and coming Hindu movement.

Enjoy your Sabbath, and bless you one and all.

Cheers!!

Let The Jewish Reindeer Games Begin in Africa!!

This is it folks…It’s December 1st.

Let the month long Bagwine Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa Celebration commence.

I am going to bring you closer to the Baby Jeebus, let you play with my dreidel, and help you to discover your inner Hattie McDaniel and/or LeVar Burton.

Oh yeah, we’re gonna cover it all, bitches.

Let’s get things kicked-off with our second installment of…

Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree!!

Today we have gifts to dish out to two more lovely individuals.

Let’s bring in this titanic box first, and call in my best friend, fellow sinner, and voracious lover, Schmoop, to come sit neath’ the tree.

Now Schmoop, has begun to whine about her impressive boobies beginning to sag as she nears her 43rd Birthday.

I for one, find them to be just fine. Then again, I am not the kind of guy who is consumed by the superficiality of what the size of a chick’s fun bags may be.

But…

This isn’t about me. It’s about Schmoop, and if I can give her a present that puts a bounce in her step and provides her with a little more self-esteem, I’ll do it.

So, my cheeky monkey you, I give you these...



Your augmentation is scheduled for December 19th. That will give me you ample time to break them in and get used to them before Christmas…much like a new pair of hi-heels.

I hope this proves to you just how much I love you, and how I put my self-interests second to yours. Merry Christmas, Schmoop!!

Our next present is for a man who quietly amuses me often, and who has a massive mind that is full of insightful words and Lordly knowledge.

The man with the massive mind of whom I speak? Sometimes Saintly Nick, of Nick’s Bytes.

He’s an ordained minister with an attitude, and that? I dig.

However, I feel he has a problem. All of that knowledge that he stores in his head has to carry quite a bit of weight.

One head surely cannot feel comfortable with all of the blessings, wisdom, and soul saving that goes on inside of it.

So, what have I gotten Pastor Nick? Simple.

Nick, I have gotten you an additional head to help lighten your liturgical load!! And what more appropriate head than this one?




That’s right, I am giving you the head of John the Baptist…

The disembodied head that directed Johnny to baptize Holy Jeebus. As the French would call him, St. Jean Baptiste himself, or as most folks around Bagwine call him…

“That Crazy, Headless, Heeb Motherfucker, Who Was All the Time Tryin’ to Drown Jews, N'shit”

Let loose your thoughts, Nick, and store the excess in his Salome inspired decapitated noggin. You can recall them any time that you’d like.

Merry Baby Jeebus Day you magical, mirth making, Man of the Cloth, you.

Happy December to you all. Make it a magical Monday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: First Sunday of Advent

“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.”

Isaiah 9:6

The prophet Isaiah, or as I call him, Izzy, said words to that effect nearly 2,800 years ago. He prophesized, the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Most think that Izzy’s visions were divinely inspired; I however, think they were the result of smoking too much Assyrian grass that had been tainted with goat piss.

Nonetheless…

Today marks the first Sunday of Advent in the Christian church…a period marking the anticipation of the Virgin Mary spittin’ out the infant J-Man from her most Holy Hoo-Ha.

Today, we light the first of four Advent candles, the Candle of Hope.

While the lighting of this candle marks the preparation of making one worthy through grace and communion to befit the Lord’s arrival…

In the Catholic Church, it is also an igniting of hope that this year’s Advent services will be far shorter in length than previous ones.

We have already had a bang up start to the Jeebus Birthday season…

A trampled to death Wal*Mart worker, gunfire over X-Boxes, and Bill O’Reilly’s War on Christmas hard-on warming up in the manger.

Merry Fuckin’ Christmas, indeed…This Christmas season is going to be great!!

And tomorrow, here at Bagwine Ruminations, we shall kick off our month long tribute to the holidays.

Christmas, Hanukkah, and that quasi-holiday celebration of Kwanzaa shall all be covered with the discerning professionalism that only my staff can deliver.

Be Afraid Merry…Be Very Afraid Merry.

We will post some traditional Bagwine stuff…Some new music, videos, and pictures of the tackiest of decorations that can be found here in my lovely town.

Tomorrow, we will start with my second installment of, Under the Bagwine Christmas Tree. I will be handing out virtual presents to Schmoop and to Sometimes Saintly Nick.

Weather permitting, I will also shoot a video tonight after work of our downtown and its Christmas decorations, and post it tomorrow as well.

Aren’t you excited? Amen and Halleluiah, I know damn well you are.

So with that…I am working all day again today in the beer mines. I hope to catch up with you all on Monday.

Let the final days of the Jeebus Gestation period begin!!

Cheers!!

A Man, a Plan, a Canal...of Good Tidings

The second and third weeks of November are a calendarical (cool, I just invented yet another new word) no-man’s land.

Halloween and the Election have passed, and Thanksgiving, which along with its own celebration ushers in the holiday season, has yet to come.

This span of time is a wasteland…as empty as Britney Spears’ head and about as exciting as this past year’s Fred Thompson for President campaign.

I have been thinking. How can I liven things up?

I didn’t come up with anything other than making some Loosemeat Sandwiches for Schmoop and I, and then the two of us engaging in hot, primeval sex.

But, why bother…

It would take me longer to eat a Loosemeat Sandwich than it would for me to “reach euphoria”. As for Schmoop?

Any euphoria that she would feel would undoubtedly come from the Loosemeat, not from my meat.

Anyway, that idea doesn’t really help to put a breeze into your mid-November doldrums; and really, that’s why I am here.

After another bad idea…or eight…it finally hit me.

I will take these next couple of weeks to work and plan on how I can make the 2008 holiday season the best ever.

Yep, I am going to plan, plan, plan. I am going turn the time from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day into one helluva celebration.


On Thanksgiving, I am gonna cook some fowl and play with Schmoop’s giblets.

Hanukkah? Slap me on the ass, play with my dreidel, and call me Matthew.

Christmas…fugettaboutit. In my full-on, Holy Baby Jeebus complex, I am going to save more than a few Ho-Ho-Hoes by taking them away to my manger.

New Year’s Eve will be full of champers, pizza, noise makers, and yes, porn. The porn being the result of me videotaping the entire, sordid, nude twister game that will inevitably break out.

Yes, folks. This holiday season is gonna be fan-damn-tastic. And you can be a part of it, if you’d like. How, you ask?

The Cynical Bastard himself, Jay, announced the other day that he is sending out Christmas cards out to any of his readers who wanted one.

I thought that was nice of him, and I thought, “Hey why don’t I spread the Christmas love as well?”

So folks, if you’d like a card that expresses the love and joy of the season from yours truly just let me know.

I will send you a card that tastefully captures the reason for the season as only I can. No, really.

If you’d like one, just email me your address and let me know. My email address is in my left sidebar.

If, like Jay, you’d like a little yuletide picture of Schmoop captured in the card as well, let me know that too.

Well, there you have it. This is going to be the holiday season to top all others. Drop me a line, if you’d like to experience it with me.

Cheers!!

Holidays on the Horizon

Can you believe it?

In less than three weeks, the holiday season will begin once again.

First Thanksgiving, followed less than four weeks later by the birthday of the Holy Baby Jeebus, and nestled ‘tween the two, the celebration of Hanukkah for the followers of those who killed the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Ironic, no?

This year is a bit interesting because Hanukkah begins at sunset on December 21st. Thusly, its eight day run will overlap Christmas.

Hmmmmm. Christians and Jews whoopin’ it up at the same time? Can this be good? And exactly how can one incorporate the two?

I have a couple of ideas.

Instead of hanging mistletoe, I thought of hanging a bouquet of bitter herbs in the doorway.

And instead of kissing the person one may meet ‘neath it, the two can kvetch about their bursitis, how their kids just don’t call anymore, and that Palm Beach just isn’t what it used to be.

I really like the song Ave Maria, but this year I’ll be singing Oy Vay Maria. I will make my dozens of Christmas toasts using Manischewitz instead of Wild Irish Rose.

Jewish Bagwine at its best, Bitches!! Or should I say…Jewish Bagwine at its best, Chalerias!!

I will still put out a bowl of Egg Nog, but the edibles at my Christmas soiree’ will consist of not only a ham, but a make-your-own knish table as well.

And you know what I will call it don’t ya? That’s right, the Crucifixin’s Bar!! Ha, a timeless Bagwine classic.

Living in an apartment building, I don’t have a chimney, but if I did, instead of an inflatable Santa on top if it, I would place an inflatable Moses holding two large fruitcakes atop the roof.

Mo, Mo, Mo, Merry Hanukkah, kiddies!! I tell ya, this has possibilities. The Christmas lights around my living room window? This year they will be blue and white.

I guess I should come up with a name for this combination celebration.

Hanukkristmas? Christmakkah? How about, Three Wise Men and a Jew Day? I’ll get back with ya on that. Feel free to offer suggestions.

Oh, one other new tradition…

On Christmas morning, instead of hosing Schmoop beneath the Christmas tree, I’m gonna stick my schmeckel in her hoo-ha next to a warm and glowing menorah.

But, keeping with the Christmas feel, the candles will be pine scented.

Have a great Saturday all.

Cheers!