Christmas is upon us, but…How many of you are aware of the actual events took place lo, those many years ago?
As Vinny mentioned in a comment yesterday, I have been serving up religious history on occasion for roughly 2 ½ years.
Unlike the blather you here at church or read in textbooks, I give you the truth.
Jeebus was actually born on September 29, 5 B.C., not December 25, 0 A.D.
The fact that he popped out of Mary’s Holy Hoo-Ha nearly five years before he was due, makes him the most premature baby ever.
Was the Baby Jeebus born in a manger? Yes he was.
There actually was no room in the inn, but it wasn’t because Bethlehem was full of people participating in a census.
The real reason?
The First Annual Judea-Palooza Concert was going on. Bands from all across the Middle East and other Roman territories were there.
IX Inch Nails, Better Than the Book of Ezra, Genesis, The Ecclesiastics, and even that new Asian Sensation, Buddhist rock band, Nirvana was there.
It was emceed by a very young, and up and coming, Morey Amsterdam.
It was the first time in recorded history that Jewish entertainment promoters sold overpriced concert T-Shirts.
Conversely, it was the last time in recorded history that when people in that area of the world “rocked”, it didn’t mean throwing stones at each other.
So, Mary and Joseph were lying around in a stable with some smelly farm animals while PETA members (Philistines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were protesting outside.
Just then a star appeared over the stable…well, it was actually a pyrotechnic gone awry during an encore performance by the Greek band, Boyz II Men. Anyhoo…
Three Wise Men, named Re-Run, Raj, and Duane followed the light, Mary’s holy water broke, and out popped the Holy Baby Jeebus.
There was no Little Drummer Boy. There was no fanfare. There was no fruitcake.
However…
Two angels appeared over the scene…
They were winged twins sent by God to honor the birth of His son.
Their names were Micah bin-Harold and Malachi bin-Harold.
The twins broke out into angelic song.
And that is when the Wise Man, Duane uttered…
“Hey, Hey, Hey…Hark!! The Harold Angels Sing.”
And that my friends, is what truly went down during the first Christmas.
And it is the truth…because I believe it.
Cheers!!
The twins broke out into angelic song.
And that is when the Wise Man, Duane uttered…
“Hey, Hey, Hey…Hark!! The Harold Angels Sing.”
And that my friends, is what truly went down during the first Christmas.
And it is the truth…because I believe it.
Cheers!!
30 comments:
Mary and hooha in the same sentence...hahahahahahaha.
Hope: Ha. Well, I guess I was just trying to live up to your pimpin' of me. And hey, while she may be all immacualte n'shit, she still needs to pee like everyone else. Cheers Hope!!
I think this is pretty much the definitive version of how it all went down. I don't see how anyone can argue any differently.
As a Jew, I'm more of an Old Testament fan, mainly because Genesis with Peter Gabriel was better than the Phil Collins version. My people have suffered through the inquisition for saying that, but I think I'm pretty safe now.
Can I use this today in Kindergarten?
Jay: How could they argue; I'm Matt-Man, Bitch!! Cheers to ya Jay!!
PITS: Ha. I'm glad you are feeling secure now. And, your observation is correct. Cheers, and Happy Hanukkah!!
Vodka Mom: By all means. It is never too early to instill the truth into our next generation. Cheers VM!!
I want to sit in on Vodka Mom's class today as she explains what a hoo-ha is to the kindergarteners. I love that kind of thing!
Thanks for clearing up that whole Harold question for me! ;)
I always knew there was significant meaning hidden in What's Happening Of course, I hadn't even considered that Re-Run, Raj, and Duane were the 3 wise men ...
RLL: I want to sit ON Vodka Mom while she explains it to me. Glad to be of help to you. Cheers Sexy!!
Dana: The public never knew the true deepness displayed by that trio. They were the Magi of of the sitcom genre. Cheers Dana!!
So THAT'S where Morey got his start!
Cheesy: From those humble beginnings, Morey had a career that lasted nearly two millenia. Brilliant. Cheers Cheesy!!
You finally found a way to work it in, didn't you, Kyle?
*wink*
...those Greeks...they were wishing it was the Star of David (Archuleta)...
Smoke a little crack with that Bagwine did ya?
So it is written - so it is.
All those years of Catholic School - I just knew they were lying to me.
Thanks Matty for having the courage to tell it like it is.
You are a disciple, an apostle, and a wise guy - all rolled into one delicious package.
hehehehe - I said package.
Songbird: How could I not work that triumverate trio into a post? Cheers Amber!!
Phfrankie: Indeed, no wonder their culture hit the skids. Cheers P-Man!!
Lu: Of course I smoked some. I was doing a little premature Kwanzaa celebrating. Cheers Lu!!
Dianne: Ha. I like to keep it real. Unlike those perverted nuns who derive plasure from the end of a hard, wooden, ruler. Cheers Di!!
Speaking of nuns....
http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2008/12/20/2008-12-20_nuns_forced_to_sue_over_unholy_stink-2.html
And once again, the Religious World flocks to the Holy Site Of The Bagwine and is instructed in the truth as it were meant to be told...
K - Matt I have to stop reading your blog at work.
I am sitting here, tears streaming down my face as I attempt to look like I'm actually doing a task assigned to me by my Scrooge of a boss.
No one understands....and yet I do.
Can I PLEASE post this on my facebook so that my other friends may rejoice in your historious knowledge? (Cuz none of the lazy bastards ever click links)
Merry Baby Jeebus.
Cheesy: Ha. Maybe it's God's way of testing them, and they are failing. Cheers!!
Bond: Not the way it was meant to be told...they way it was. Cheers Vinny!!
Angell: Ha. Work is the best place to laugh. And dear, you need never ask for permission to post any of my stuff. Post away. Cheers Angell!!
Ah yes... a festival wouldn't be the same without a schmatah salesman to haggle gelt with over a Stoning Temple Pilate's t-shirt. Maybe Pontius shouldn't have given up his dream... then again, mankind wouldn't have been saved by the death of Jeebus, and we'd all be heathens.
Wait... nevermind.
I was holding it together until I got to "Philistines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals." You crack me up with amazing frequency.
"Boyz II Men"....OMFG.....As a Greek I have to say WELL PLAYED!
Now buy me a new laptop, Matt Man, ya made me spit coffee on mine. It's probably gonna fry :P
If there was no fruitcake, then how come everybody thinks they should give me some every fucking Christmas?
LOL
of course there was fruitcake!
Ha! You are ON IT with the funny. And I learn so much coming here...of course, I'm STILL pre-mature...
Hozana, Mozana bow at the feet of..... Mattzana.
HO-HO-HOE You Heathen!
Are you absolutely SURE there was no Little Drummer Boy? I could've sworn I heard that Travis Barker was there.
Post a Comment