Hear Dick Speak

(Ed. Note: Matt-Man’s penis, after being the focus of many a Bagwine Ruminations post, has requested equal time. What follows, are words of the Matt-Man penis.)


Yo Matt-Man. Hey, buddy. Can you let go of me for a minute and listen up?

I appreciate the love and camaraderie you show me, but dude…the weather has turned cold, windy, and dry, and I’m chafing and molting like an ancient cobra.

Lighten up on the auto-erotic love sessions, would ya? Good God, Man!!

And seriously, if you do feel the need to stroke your ego vicariously through me, would it kill ya to apply a little lotion to your hand?

And while we're at it…I have a few other…um…bones to pick with you.

When standing around the house or waiting in a line could you refrain from scratching my boys.

I know you tell people that you have an itch, but we both know that that isn’t true.

When you’re done taking a leak, could you wait a second before zipping back up? You always seem to put me back in before I am completely done.

Ya see...

I don’t know about you, but especially in this cold weather, I find it very annoying to be lying around in your pants, in my own urine.

Speaking of your bathroom habits. When you sit down to clean out my buddy, Mr. Butt, do me a favor.

When your business is done, could you wipe and get off the pot. You’ll sit there for twenty minutes reading some magazine.

And while you are sitting there reading and chuckling...

I’m stuck face down in the toilet staring at the fecal manifestation of your latest meal of chili fries and fried Spam topped with Velveeta.

Sweet Baby Jeebus, now I know the horror that little Jessica McClure felt when she was trapped in that backyard well.

And although it’s behind us now, let me say something about some of the women with whom you have been intimate.

Dude, WTF? Remember the chick you nicknamed, The Carp?

You got the nickname right, but getting naked with her and involving me was soooo wrong.

And Matt-Man, we both know there were quite a few others, don’t we?

Hell, compared to some of the women you've been with, Nazi guards at Auschwitz were getting better pieces of tail.

Another thing…I know you like Shakespeare, but that was no reason to pull up a porn clip of Romeo and Julius on the net.

I know you say you did it “accidentally” and you let it run for 4 minutes and 37 seconds “inadvertently” but could we get back to the hot chick on chick action?

I do want to offer a word of thanks to you. I am very glad that you have lost so much weight.

It’s nice to be seen again and be able to breathe once more.

Anyway...

These were the thoughts that were bouncin’ around in my head. I hope we have a continuing and long, joyful relationship together.

Sincerely...Your Penis,

Seamus

Cheers!!

Warning: Wednesday on Bagwine, Seamus will be here, up close and personal. Oh yeahhhh.