Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiday so finger me like your keyboard and wrap your legs around my hard drive ‘cause I am singin’ in the Key of F5.

Damn right Bitches, I’m your personal refresh key so touch me…TOUCH ME!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

Bom bom feedle bom, and dosey doe in your underwear, I wanna dance dammit!! I’m off today. What to do? What to do?

I need to walk to the Beer Mine and get my check this morning. Nice day for a walk, partly cloudy and 80. Not too nice for Pizza Bill though. He’s working from 10-9 today. Ha.

Temps in the 80s and busy on a Friday at the Beer Mine. I’m putting out an Ass Chap Alert!! Don’t go near Pizza Bill today, Whoa Nellie…He will have a major case of Ass Chap today.

Bill will be sweating and yeastifying all over his ass and the rest of his nether regions. Poor fella. Ha!! Ass Chap, what a freak that boy be. And I call Pizza Bill a freak…

Hell, I commented to Evil Twins Wife that I have three testicles. I don’t, but the two I do have are huge.

They’re like super balls…especially when contrasted against my diminutive cock. But man, those boys can shoot gallons of spooge, and with force.

When I cum, it’s like someone stuck a pack of Pop Rocks and a dozen Alka-Seltzer tablets into a bottle of Pepsi. Whooooooooooosh. Old Faithful gots nothin’ on me. I’m Old Mattfull, Boo Yah!!

Shit…I should call Richard today. Haven’t talked to him in a couple of weeks. I bet the crazy bastard has another three dozen cats. He really needs to stop.

I should call my brother Marty too. Wow, what a fun day off.

My life sucks. After I get my check, I’m going to spend my time talking to a crazy old cat man, and my brother. Oh well, at least Marty is funny.

Maybe some hot chicks will want me to call them today, I mean I got nothing else to do. Drop me a line, Bitches…we’ll chat.

Ol’ Drive-By Mikey went mushroom hunting the other day. I wonder how the mushroom got its name. I mean, was it first discovered inside a room that was used by a sled dog trainer? Maybe I’ll Google that…or not.

Hankie Pankie…what a stupid term. Can one have Hankie without having Pankie? I guess it’s possible.

I mean, if I was looking at a picture of a hot chick and jacked off, I would be the only one doing anything and when I was done, I would definitely need a hankie…or a towel.

So yeah, I guess I could simply have Hankie.

I have an itch in my ear. I hate that. It’s too deep to get to without compacting all the wax into a brick. Dammit. Auuuugh. Annoying.

Now I’m all horny ‘cause I mentioned Hankie Pankie…Oh well. What? Ha…I should show my cock to everyone and I know a classic Inky and Lola that will show it…

Have a wonderful Friday all…let me refresh you if you’re bored today.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man, By The Numbers

As one who has always focused on words and language, math has never been my forte.

In school it was the one subject that I actually had to work at, but I did pretty well and I enjoyed it.

Geometry and Algebraic word problems always fascinated me and I liked doing them.

So today in honor of my little known love of all things numeric, I give you me...by the numbers.

5 is the number of pounds I have lost since Lent began 22 days ago.

Akron, Ohio State, Cleveland State, Dayton, and Xavier make up the 5 teams from Ohio that are in the 64 team field of the NCAA Basketball Tournament.

0 is the number of these teams that will, in all likelihood, advance beyond Round 2. Xavier, a Number 4 Seed, is really good, but their free-throw shooting blows.

I hope to have sex with Schmoop 2 times today. It’s been 5 long days since I have done Number 9 with her.

Number 9, by the way, is the new, hip phrase for lickity-lick labia loving that is really catching on.

Since the phrase came into being on my post of March 13th, Cheesy and Mystery Chick have invoked its use.

Ladies, be one of the cool kids like those 2 chicks and tell your husband, boyfriend, or German Shepherd that you want some Number 9.

Spread them legs and spread the phrase!!

Oh, and guys? Learn how to love it, and more importantly, learn how to do it right!!

5 days from now it will be Meg’s Birthday, and Ryno and his mom will be leaving for D.C. on a 4 day school trip.

8 days from now, Schmoop will celebrate birthday number 43. There will be no birthday sex because she will be shedding her uterine lining at that time.

So I’ll just give her a kiss, say Happy Birthday, sit in the corner, and cry 96 tears.

While typing this post, I had 27 impure thoughts, and touched Seamus 5 times.

Since I am done now, I am going to drink 2 beers, smoke 1 cigarette, rouse Schmoop, and see if she’s up for some Number 9.

Enjoy your March 19th. And, as I have said in nearly all of my previous 1,088 posts…

Cheers!!

Addendum: I was just informed that today, Michele of It's a Dog's Life is celebrating her 26th Wedding Anniversary. Go wish that uber-cool, vegetarian, Librarian a Happy One. Cheers Michele!!

Meatlessness Equals Meatiness

Well my friends…

We are now two weeks into Lent, and guess what? I have lost about 4 ½ pounds.

Ash Wednesday I weighed 187 and now, I am fluctuating of late between 182 and 183.

If this trends continues, when Jeebus arises, scratches his balls, and moves that stone away on Easter morn, I will weigh a mere 173.5 pounds.

173.5 pounds, people!!

I weighed more than that in High School. Do you know what this means?

It means I’ll be light on my feet. My heart will be pumping forcefully, and best of all…?

I’ll be able to see my wanker again even while it’s flaccid!!

Damn straight. I’ll no longer have to grope Schmoop or look at porn in order to look down and see my buddy, Seamus.

Ol’ Seamus will be out there in plain sight...

Be I completely ambivalent while watching a baseball game or completely worked up because a half-drunk and entirely horny Schmoop just summoned me to the bedroom for the “seventh inning stretch”.

I can dig that!!

Some guys spend boo-koos of cash on Enzyte and other con-cock-tions in order to gain size.

I simply stop eating meat, give my soul and colon to Christ, and voila…

My once ambiguous, hard to find penis becomes a bright and towering obelisk pointing skyward as it celebrates the glory of Gawd!!

Praise Jeebus, and call Lindsay Roberts…I have a special donation just for her…although I’m probably 25-30 years too old for her tastes.

Anyhoo…Come Resurrection Day, not only will our Lord and Savior, Jeebus Christ be set free, my Matt-Manliness will be released from bondage as well.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Seamus, Syd, and Schmoop

Well, it’s back to the beer mines for me today.

And what the hell...I’m glad.

For these are dark times, or rather crimson times here at the Bagwine abode.

You guessed it…Just in time for Super Bowl XLIII, Schmoop’s uterus, whom she refers to as Syd, has penalized her…

And as a result, Syd has left Seamus and I holding the ball with nobody around to toss it to.

This is what I'll be seeing when I'm not at work this weekend...


And in keeping with our theme of uterine non-coagulation, this week's offering of Worst Frickin' Songs Ever Recorded...

Oy Vay...I like Alice Cooper; but man, that song blows.

Have a lovely Saturday. Please join me tomorrow for a special Super Bowl Edition of our Sunday Morning Church Disservice.

Until then, pass me another gross of pads, stay free and as always...

Cheers!!

Pop Goes The Matt-Man

I was off yesterday and was in one helluva good mood…For a little while.

Early yesterday morning, someone (not Schmoop) stuck a hot needle into my bubble of happiness and deflated my mood.

I was in a bitter mood all day long and it continues to a lesser degree this morning. Thusly, Seamus remains flaccid and will not be appearing here today.

I have to work in the beer mines later today. Perhaps some hot 35-55 year old chicks will come by the Drive-Thru and lift my spirits.

Anyhoo that’s all I have today. Well except for this one last thing. Today’s entry of…

World’s Worst Frickin’ Songs Ever Recorded...

After to listening to that I should get ready for work, but perhaps I'll go hang myself instead.

Cheers!!

Seamus Sez

Earlier this week, I introduced you all to my penis, Seamus, and he had things to say.

I think, at least for a few weeks, I should let him have his speaks.

Therefore, Saturdays here at Bagwine Ruminations will be known as Seamus Sez.

My penis, Seamus, will impart words of wisdom upon you based upon his take on well known cliches.

So my friends our first entry of Seamus Sez....

With that being said, I also want to let you know that Saturdays will also contain something that I artfully call:

The Worst Frickin' Songs Ever Recorded...

My first entry is this...By Jimmy Gilmer and the Fireballs, Sugar Shack. Oh Dear God, kill me now.



If you have ideas for the worst song let me know. Just make sure it is relatively well-known. And, email it to me so that I can keep it under wraps until the next Saturday.

I must brave the cold and work this Saturday, but no fears, I'm a badass. I can handle the chill.

Cheers!!

Dicks and Pics

As I promised you in yesterday's post...

A picture of my best bud in the world.

He's prolific, ubiquitous, and talented beyond belief.

Every man wants to be him, and every woman wants to be with him.

Ladies, and Gentlemen, my penis...

Seamus!!



And now for something even more infantile. This is Ryno's B-Ball picture from last season. I cut his head out of the picture. Why?


The owner/my boss and I have started playing a game at work. Based on the books, Where's Waldo? We play...

Where's Ryno!?

Each day we take turns placing Ryno's head in a spot at work and the other has to find it. Here are some examples...

I got things started off by putting his noggin' on our Planters Peanuts box!!



The picture below is a sample Ohio ID picture that is hung up in the office...



My next hiding spot seemed tailor made, no?



Also in the office, Mike has beer and racing schtuff plastered all over the walls.

Including this small poster of race car driver Kenny Wallace...

Ol' Mikey took the, Where's Ryno game to a new level by hiding Ryno upon this perfect fit!!



Below, is a huge mirror high up above the cooler door with the Old-Fashioned Miller High Life Girl logo.



Before I left work Tuesday night, I figured I'd make Mike look up when he gets there Wednesday morn in order to find out Where Ryno is. Ryno makes a cute Miller girl, no?


Yes, we are in our 40's, but what the hell. Having fun and being infantile at work makes things go so much more smoothly. I dig it there.

Speaking of work...

My co-worker buddy, Pizza Bill, will be manning the place Wednesday thru Friday night. The temps are going to be in the single digits during the day and below zero at night.

Bill stopped by to get smokes last night and said to me, and I quote...

Matt-Man, it's gonna be colder than fuck while I'm working the next few days, ask your readers to pray to the Holy Baby Jeebus for me.

He reads Bagwine everyday so if you could, say a prayer for Pizza Bill, and ask Jeebus to make sure that his balls don't fall off.

I'll be praying to Jeebus and thanking him that my schedule this past week included days with temps in the 20's and 30's.

Oh and Bill? I'll be thanking Jeebus while sitting in the confines of my incredibly warm abode.

Cheers!!

Hear Dick Speak

(Ed. Note: Matt-Man’s penis, after being the focus of many a Bagwine Ruminations post, has requested equal time. What follows, are words of the Matt-Man penis.)


Yo Matt-Man. Hey, buddy. Can you let go of me for a minute and listen up?

I appreciate the love and camaraderie you show me, but dude…the weather has turned cold, windy, and dry, and I’m chafing and molting like an ancient cobra.

Lighten up on the auto-erotic love sessions, would ya? Good God, Man!!

And seriously, if you do feel the need to stroke your ego vicariously through me, would it kill ya to apply a little lotion to your hand?

And while we're at it…I have a few other…um…bones to pick with you.

When standing around the house or waiting in a line could you refrain from scratching my boys.

I know you tell people that you have an itch, but we both know that that isn’t true.

When you’re done taking a leak, could you wait a second before zipping back up? You always seem to put me back in before I am completely done.

Ya see...

I don’t know about you, but especially in this cold weather, I find it very annoying to be lying around in your pants, in my own urine.

Speaking of your bathroom habits. When you sit down to clean out my buddy, Mr. Butt, do me a favor.

When your business is done, could you wipe and get off the pot. You’ll sit there for twenty minutes reading some magazine.

And while you are sitting there reading and chuckling...

I’m stuck face down in the toilet staring at the fecal manifestation of your latest meal of chili fries and fried Spam topped with Velveeta.

Sweet Baby Jeebus, now I know the horror that little Jessica McClure felt when she was trapped in that backyard well.

And although it’s behind us now, let me say something about some of the women with whom you have been intimate.

Dude, WTF? Remember the chick you nicknamed, The Carp?

You got the nickname right, but getting naked with her and involving me was soooo wrong.

And Matt-Man, we both know there were quite a few others, don’t we?

Hell, compared to some of the women you've been with, Nazi guards at Auschwitz were getting better pieces of tail.

Another thing…I know you like Shakespeare, but that was no reason to pull up a porn clip of Romeo and Julius on the net.

I know you say you did it “accidentally” and you let it run for 4 minutes and 37 seconds “inadvertently” but could we get back to the hot chick on chick action?

I do want to offer a word of thanks to you. I am very glad that you have lost so much weight.

It’s nice to be seen again and be able to breathe once more.

Anyway...

These were the thoughts that were bouncin’ around in my head. I hope we have a continuing and long, joyful relationship together.

Sincerely...Your Penis,

Seamus

Cheers!!

Warning: Wednesday on Bagwine, Seamus will be here, up close and personal. Oh yeahhhh.