Well it’s only the second day of the new year and already the Matt-Man has incurred big changes in his life.While most of you were celebrating Christmas and New Year’s, the Matt-Man was busy growing up and forever altering his life.
You see, on Christmas Day, Matt-Man got married to Schmoop.
The Matt-Man never saw it coming. He didn’t even notice it at first.
The Matt-Man did however, begin speaking and writing in an obnoxious third person style…
A pretentious, self-absorbed, third person style that the Matt-Man really needs to refrain from doing. So he will.
Anyhoo, I spent the night at Ryno’s Christmas Eve. Ryno, his mom, and I awoke early Christmas morning and Ryno opened his presents.
At 9 A.M. or so, I returned home to the Bagwine digs.
I was greeted by the lovely Schmoop, who was wearing nothing but a sexy, black, silk robe and an effervescent Christmas smile.
Minutes later, after a passionate kiss and a cup of coffee, I went from being the bawdy, carefree rascal that I am known to be, to become:
Matt…The Husband of Schmoop.
That’s right folks, after eight years or so of living in sin, Schmoop made an honest man out of me.
There was no religious service, no marriage license, but the vows were exchanged in the form of my Christmas present from Schmoop.
What was the present that I received that formed this binding, nuptial contract, you ask? It was this:
Yep. Socks and underwear.
If receiving socks and underwear from your girlfriend at Christmas doesn’t mean that one is married, I don’t know what does.
If you’d like to celebrate our union by sending a wedding gift, keep this in mind…
I wear a 34-36 in pants and underwear, dress socks would be nice, and my shoe size is an 11 ½ or 12.
Schmoop wears a 40C…Wait a minute, buying her a bra would be the sexy, single thing to do.
How about getting her a comfortable pair of slippers or a nice fuzzy housecoat?
After all, if we’re now married, she shouldn’t be flaunting her wares by wearing that sexy, black silk robe of hers.
Cheers!!
45 comments:
I'm pretty sure it's official now! CONGRATULATIONS!
Dana: Thanks much. I just wonder how long it will take for our marriage to become "soiled". Cheers Sexy!!
No Sir now that you mattmarried (congratulations) she should be wearing sweat pants that are too big and a comfy old sweatshirt with tank top underneath and no bra. The upper shirt layers are to keep the girls warm. At least that is what this married woman wears in the winter. My hubby, aint he a lucky sumbitch HA!
Lu: Hahaha...You have just summed up her typical everyday attire to a T. You my friend, are psychic. Cheers Lu!!
Congrat to you and Schmoop.
By 8 years you marriage was common-law but it's nice to tidy it up with something official.
Michele: We don't have common law marriage in Ohio.....Thank God. Cheers Michele!!
I guess You Do!
That clinches it for me...your married dude!
Micky: Hell Mick, if you were here I would have had you put on a pair and you could have been my best man. Cheers Mick!!
HOly shit.
WOO HOO!!!
Should I send condolences to Schmoop? I mean salutations????
Vodka: Fake marriages are so much better than real ones. At least in my case. Cheers and Happy New Year!!
I believe you still owe Schmoop's family some livestock, but yeah, that pretty much settles things. You guys are married. ;-)
Jay: Hell, I owe them an oxen, because when I took Schmoop, I took their beast of burden that worked their fields. Ha. Cheers!!
Oh baby, I'll be breaking up that virtual marriage as soon as I come up there. Kisses Matty.
So, because this was the first year I DIDN'T buy hubby socks and underwear for Christmas, does this mean I am now DIVORCED? Dear God. After 17 years, I'm not sure I'd know what the hell to do with myself.
Songbird: Well, if you need any help deciding what to do with yourself, I have a few ideas. Cheers!!
Denise: Bring it on!! Cheers!!
Congrats!
Wait, I asked my mom to buy me underwear and socks this year. What does that mean?
Knight: It means you have an Oedipus Complex. Cheers Sexy!!
Oh yeah, nothing screams "married" like getting tighty whities (or tighty coloreds in this case) for Christmas. I got flannel PJs, if that tells ya anything!! :-)
Giggle: Well I bet you'll look sexy in them. Okay, you'll look warm. Nothing wrong with warm looking. Cheers GP!!
WOW!!!! CONGRATULATIONSHAPPYNEWYEARHOWEXCITINGIAMSOHAPPYFORYOUBOTHNICESOCKSHUGS!
OOOH OOOH!! I know the perfect gift! An industrial sized bottle of Gold Bond Powder!
For the chaffing of the marital shakles and the old man/woman itches ;)
Leelee: SOAMISEXY. CHEERS!!
Starr: Y'know. Leave it to you to take my holy bond of Matt-Trimony and turn it into something sour. Why are you peeing on my Bar-B-Q? Cheers!!
It's the M word. It gives me hives. Which is funny since legally I am still married.
Why do I feel the need to drink now?
Starr: I've got just the lotion that will cure your hives. Cheers!!
Yeah, I'll bet you do.
Well, congrats. What did you get Schmoop in as consideration in this marital contract?
Songbird: Well c'mon, I am a giver. Cheers!!
Karen: Syphillis. Cheers Karen!!
...I just hope your new underwear isn't "binding in a nuptual, contractural way"...otherwise...Hooyah!!!!
Thanks for the laugh!
I think as further proof of your being married, we could have you purchase Schmoop a vaccuum cleaner or a Kitchen Aid Mixer.
And if you really wanna kill the relationship, buy her a minivan.
My congratualtions to you both.
My the God of Sarah and Abraham, who watches over all the families of the earth, bless you and establish within your home steadfast love.
If you ever want the license and the full wedding stuff, hop down here to Kentucky and I’ll perform the wedding gratis.
can yo claim married on the 1040?
Phfrankie: I think she went one size too big. Allowing my boys to breathe easily. Cheers!!
Kanani: Ha. I knew I should have bought her a dust buster. I just thought that that would be too forward. Cheers!!
Nick: I appreciate that, even though that is the worse thing anyone could do for me. Cheers Nick!!
Kat: Mmmmmmm, you beautiful stranger. I claim married every year on account of the magic gnome that lives inside my pants. Cheers Kat!!
Just avoid buying her a vaccum or lip waxer or paperweight. All bad choices...
Congrats on the undergarment marriage. I hear that's actually binding in Arkinsas...
VE: Too Late. She considers me her human paperweight. Cheers!!
Bwahahahahahahahahahaaaa!
So that's the 8th holiday gift eh? I'll have to be on the watch for that one.
We're on our 3rd holiday...that's the electronics gift. So we each got a matching cordless mouse for our laptops.
Uh, my dear Matt-Man, does your comment to me have to do with "commitment" or perhaps it's the "'til death do us part" thing?
hmmm so I gotta ask, what's the item one would use for marriage dissolution?
Congrats mattman.
You are officially NOT on the market wearing socks like that. hehe
HA.. you so got me...
Where's the honeymoon pics?
Travis: Be wary my friend. If you want more info on your future just let me know. Cheers!!
Nick: The death til us part thing, definitely. I love ya man. Cheers!!
Hope: Ha. I've been wondering the same thing. And hey, don't be dissin' my socks. Cheers Hope!!
Cheesy: Ha. You should know me better by now. Cheers Sexy!!
A sure sign indeed my man...wait...I got socks from Nancy on Christmas!!!!!!!
Bond: I would have figured she would would have gotten you a sexy pair of stockings, and/or perhaps a naughty looking garter belt. Cheers!!
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