She has, over the course of her life, given birth to six kids…four boys and two girls.
She is batting .500 as far as the kids go. Three are fairly normal, and the other three..?
Um, not so much.
Beth (Schmoop), David, and their brother, Jeff? Sane.
There are two other boys who are of questionable mental faculties and then there is…PAM. Or, as David refers to her, “Beth’s Sister.”
Now, don’t get me wrong…Pam seems to be a very sweet person, however; she seems to be living in a totally different universe.
Or, to use David’s vernacular, “She’s a Slugnutty.”
Allow me back to up to Christmas of 2007. Pam evidently put a lot of thought into what to get her mom for Christmas that year.
Good ol’ Ma likes carry out food from a couple of local eateries including a pizza place just down the street from her home.
Perhaps Pam decided to get her a gift certificate from one of those establishments. What did Pam end up getting Ma for X-Mas…?
A big freakin’ package of Serenity Bladder Control pads.That is so warm, so human…so full of filial devotion.
I mean, seriously…
What says, Merry Christmas better than enabling your mom to comfortably have several bladder accidents while watching an Andy Griffith Show marathon on TV Land?
Now Schmoop’s mom is 85. She is often tired, can’t hear well, and doesn’t move too gracefully, but she’s not an addle-minded invalid by any means.
However, Pam obviously thinks that this past Thursday when mom hit 85, she actually turned 4 years of age. Why, you ask?
Her present to her mom this birthday? A coloring book!! Full of Fairy pictures!! And a 12 pack of Crayons!! Claims it’ll keep her mind sharp!!
Oh, Baby…Somebody needs their mind sharpened alright, but I don’t think it’s Mom.
That’s okay though, she did bring over a cake…Of course, the cake that was left over she took back home with her. That’s so sweet.
And…a little advice. If you are going to get your mom a set of crayons, c’mon and spring for at least the 64 pack.I mean, really…how well can one color a fairy picture without utilizing burnt umber and aquamarine? Damn right.
Oy Vay, people. Most times, just saying, “I love you”, and giving nothing, is so much better than giving something slugnutty…
Especially when it could very well embarrass the recipient.
Have a Monday all…
Cheers!!
33 comments:
Having just celebrated my mom's 86th birthday 2 weeks ago, I hear what your saying. Like Schmoop’s mom, my mother has lost none of her brain power. If I were to give Mom any sort of book like that, it would be filled with crossword puzzles!
Please pass on my blessings to Schmoop’s mom. OK?
You know, I'm not the most creative gift-giver, but I think I could do better than that. And I think I would have gone for those coloring markers that only work on paper and don't get anything on the table or floor.
I guess mom can channel her youth. Or something. That is really, really strange.
God I hope she dulled all those Crayons. You know how dangerous ole people can be running through the house when they're sharpened.
The 12 pack does not have Cerulean Blue. That is my favorite color. Pam sucks.
And she didn't leave the left over cake?!?! So not cool.
the IQ between the two of them wouldnt even get a smell!!
Nick: I hear ya and will. And you're right. She really enjoys Word Searches, why not get her a book of those. Cheers Nick!!
Jay: Ha. You're a mess. But yes, those old folks can be so sloppy, your markers would help. Cheers!!
Karen: Maybe it's a new treatment...Color Your Way to Youth. You're right, it is very strange. Cheers Karen!!
Jeff: Ha. She might even put an eye out if they're not "safety" crayons. Cheers!!
Starr: And it's a double-whammy, Pam's daughter gets in the mix too. Oy. Thems some cake eatin', non-thinking whack-o's. Cheers!!
Anony: At least they gave your mom a card signed by all of their dogs. Cheers David!!
Hopefully Mom is cool enough to color outside the lines... Sometimes you just have to shake your head~
Cheesy: I think the coloring book may have already been put out of its misery, and out of mom's as well. Cheers Cheesy!!
...Serenity Now!...
Phfrankie: Ha. I guess they would be the perfect accessory if one was watching a Seinfeld Marathon. Cheers P-Man!!
Maybe she should have gotten her something slutnuggy. I mean, old women have urges, too.
Fantasy: I think you probaby just made Schmoop and Dave cringe (or hurl) with that comment. Which of course, I dig. Cheers Meg!!
I was thinking maybe number two daughter just has an odd sense of humor...but the explanation about keeping her mind sharp was a bit of a tip off that she is just nutty.
ALTHOUGH, I will say my grandmother took up painting when she was around that age. Her kids got her a little paint set and she got totally into it. Now that she's dead, we're going to save them for a while to see if she's the next Grandma Moses. (If Grandma Moses painted lopsided fruit bowls and puppies that resemble aliens.)
I received Depends when I turned 30 from my sister. The year SHE turned 30, I glued them to her apartment door.
I have my own box of crayons....96. I use them all.the.time.Thank god for the sharpener on the back of the box!! LOL
Christine: Ha. Funny. But as for the daughter (Number 1, by the way), she wasn't being funny. She was being dead serious and unfortunately, thought she was being thoughtful. Oy. Cheers Christine!!
Metal: Well yeah, as a gag gift that's fine, but as a serious gift? Just gag me. Cheers Metal!!
Good God, you mean Pam has been allowed to breed?!?!?!?!
Stop the madness!!!!
Songbird: Not only once, but TWICE...Although the son in the mix, tends to stay far, far away from the madness. Cheers!!
That's why I just bought Mom a card. I can't compete with my Dave's sister in the gift giving department!
Schmoop: You are sooooo inadequate. Let Pam do the gift shopping. Cheers and Zoooooves!!
I was flown out to Bermuda to help deliver a yacht back to Newport. When I got to the boat and looked at the name on the transom, I said to my friend the captain, "Serenity?, that sounds like an adult diaper" he laughs and say's "IT IS"
Micky: Well at least the boat soak up the water as it makes its travels. Calm Seas, no? Cheers Mick!!
Pam sounds like a very colorful character. Perhaps that is what made her choose crayons for the gift. HA! See what I did there? lol As for "taking the cake" - I got nothin'. :-)
LOL Dave's sister is a crack-up... I mean, really.
This is so funny...I wonder what she gives to Schmoop on HER birthday!
Giggle: Ha. You Funny. Now, stop it. Cheers GP!!
Marilyn: Isn't she though. In fact, maybe "Crack Pot" would be more accurate. Cheers Marilyn!!
Bond: Typically a card and nothing else, and Schmoop is quite happy with that fact. Cheers!!
I don't know about slugnutty but wackadoodle comes to mind.
Lu: That will fit nicely as well. Cheers Pal!!
ya know....my sister is kinda "whacky" (that is californian for "slugnutty")
I feel sorry for schmoop's mama...cause I think knowing how Pam is has to make her very sad.
Kat: I think it leaves her bewildered more than anything. Cheers Kat!!
ROTFLMAO. Oh Matt. Sounds like Pam needs a little visit with the men in white coats for awhile. Or at least a kindergarten class.
Hope Schmoops mom had a great bday. 85 is the new 70 after all! :P
Angell: She needs a labotamy reversal. Hope you're well. Cheers!!
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