Dispatches From My Ass*…
So first out of the box, what’s with wedding and funerals? Sorry, Seinfeld reference. I’m watching it now, and there were so many good points.
I am a firm believer that everything in our lives can somehow be traced back to one of the many Seinfeld episodes.
Ponies for instance. Who has a pony? If you do, or you did, do you still? And why?
I mean the poop alone would put me off. Not to mention the big ass, glassy looking eyes. I have enough problems with our cat, Corky, zoning off.
Now, weddings…Good Lord!!Why pay all that money for gowns, dinner, gifts, bridesmaids, etc. For what?
So you can live with this person, whom I guarantee you will fucking hate in eight months?
Do as I do. Shack the fuck up for almost nine years, and have a blast!
Save money, still in love, and the sex never gets old. Novel idea, no?
Funerals? Same thing. Do you even know you’re dead? I don’t think so.
Even if you do, would you like a whole bunch, or in my case not a whole bunch of people, crying and looking at your redesigned dead body in a box?
I know my Dad did not appreciate the showing at his funeral.
His pre-corpse words were, and I quote...
“Hey Girlie, burn me, stick me in a beer can, and put me on the ice box.”
Unfortunately, Mommmmm didn’t want to do that. She is such a killjoy.
When I die, just throw me atop a bonfire. Hell, my liver should keep the pyrotechnics glowing for days.
If Matt wants to utter a brief eulogolical (is that a word?) remark such as, “She was the best pussy I ever had.” That’s cool too.
However, he’ll probably reserve that post-mortem accolade for when our zoned-out cat, Corky, kicks the bucket. Bastard.
Where was I? Oh yea, inside my own fucked up head. Sorry about the language. It’s French, right? Right? OMG the voices!!
I have no point really. Just that I hate weddings, funerals…..and obviously….ponies.
Thank you and come again…
Zoves,
Schmoop
*I really liked all of the title ideas you guys came up with for my entries, however…Matt-Man liked his, Dispatches from my Ass idea best (naturally).
When I die, just throw me atop a bonfire. Hell, my liver should keep the pyrotechnics glowing for days.
If Matt wants to utter a brief eulogolical (is that a word?) remark such as, “She was the best pussy I ever had.” That’s cool too.
However, he’ll probably reserve that post-mortem accolade for when our zoned-out cat, Corky, kicks the bucket. Bastard.
Where was I? Oh yea, inside my own fucked up head. Sorry about the language. It’s French, right? Right? OMG the voices!!
I have no point really. Just that I hate weddings, funerals…..and obviously….ponies.Thank you and come again…
Zoves,
Schmoop
*I really liked all of the title ideas you guys came up with for my entries, however…Matt-Man liked his, Dispatches from my Ass idea best (naturally).
As not to harm his massive, yet fragile ego, I went with that. God, it’s so hard living with him.
47 comments:
Ahhhh ... what we won't do to protect the fragile little ... ummm ... HUMUNGUS egos!
Good to see you Schmoop!
damn thats funny
Dana: What are you saying? I don't understand. I am ego-less. No seriously. Cheers!!
Clay: Ha. Glad you like her diatribe. When she wakes up tomorrow I'm sure she'll appreciate it. Thanks for stopping. Cheers!!
Wait! Schmoop writes, you answer comments?? Damn! It's not as safe as I thought it was going to be on Thursdays!
Dana: She's asleep....She'll be answering come the morning. Cheers!!
this tops all other Thursday's already and it's not even Thursday, a great joint effort to you both!
Hey that was insightful and entertaining. When I die they can incinerate me and sprinkle me over some mountains. No point taking up real estate with embalming and all and I seriously hope my agnostic family is not forced to endure a Catholic Mass.
Horse poop is obnoxious but less obnoxious than some other poop. I know this only from the copious amounts of it found on popular mountain trails.
I don't do weddings or funeral. Especially my own. I will attend a wedding reception if there's an open bar though. And, I'll go over to someone's house and attend a wake when their loved one dies. There's usually a lot of food so that works out pretty good.
Damn I'm a thoughtless bastard. ;-)
Anyway, if I ever do get married it will be in Vegas. And I intend to be cremated and have my ashes spread around somewhere nice. Like a strip club maybe. Just as long as I'm not stuffed into a box and stuck in the ground.
When I was 7 I told my mom I wanted a great big wedding with a long pretty dress and lots of pink peonies and a big huge cake. I then asked my mom if I had to have a groom.
I was so much smarter at 7!
nice job Bip, Ill be at the funeral with my friend Wilber! Love Pistol
Our wedding took ten minutes and cost $36.50 for the license. People need to remember it's about being together not some Broadway musical production.
I love ponies.
I loved this! I read it to Brad who also laughed
Dana: Sometimes it's so hard to breathe in here! There's not enough air!!
Clay: Hey, Thanks! Good to see ya!
Matt: As usual...Suck it!
Snugs: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. Hope I can keep it up!
Marilyn: No one wants me to be creamated and sprinkled. I might sprout in all over the place!
Jay: You're not thoughtless. That would be the ONLY reason to attend such functions!
Starr: Ah, definitely wise beyond your years! Too bad we never remember these things when we're older.
D: Zoves big brother!!
TB: You did it the right way, no fuss, no muss. Glad you liked it, and thanks to Brad!
I'm loving your dispatches Schmoop!
I hate weddings! Did you know that 50% of marriages last!! that's so fucked up
I want to be cremated and I want my ashes mailed to Republicans all over the country. Imagine the terror alert!! I'll be on the news for weeks.
Dianne: Pffft. And those 50% who make it think they're sooooo much better than the rest of us.
I'd have you send some of your ashes to us, but knowing how Matt-Man feels about you, he'd end up being arrested for a new and disturbing form of necrophilia.
We got married in our living room, and all it cost was a nice dinner out for five. I had new workboots on and Bic made me wear my nicest engineer cap. (of course that was our second wedding to each other, the first one, her mother made her dress and I actually had Phrankie Bondo as my best man, he hitch-hiked out from CA)
I hope I don't have a funeral, it would be nice to just fade away.
You have a dead pony on your blog.
NOW THAT'S DIFFERENT
I'd say this first dispatch out of your ass was a HUGE success. No girl the post was huge certainly not your ass :) I love the voices in your head. Pictures; perfect.
Mick: Your wife should be put in for Sainthood. Oh, but I forgot you hate the Baby Jeebus! I thought the dead pony was a nice touch, unless of course you have a pony...then I'm sorry!
Lu: Thanks Babe! I know you didn't mean my ass, but the voices in my head said you did!
I knew they would. My voice is big ass obsessed butt there is fuel for that fire... If it weren't for the constant singing and bickering going on in my head I just might be a productive person ha!
Lu: You too? I thought I was the only one! Of course the voice that wants me to bludgeon stupid people is very, very loud!
...a hot cup o' joe, dead ponies on the 'poot, all's right with the world!...
Well, we are going to say I do and then party for our wedding.
then off to sun, sand, food and booze for 7 wondrous days...
pretty damn funny....now we know where Mateo gets it.
Funerals....a true gift to your loved ones is to have in writing EXACTLY what you want. If nothing but a private sprinkling of ashes...or a full fledged service with open casket and bagpipes...write it out. Really. In their sorrow the last thing people need is to fight and argue over what they think you wanted...or imposing twenty two different belief systems on each other. Write it down now.
Weddings. I've done the shack the fuck up thing once or twice. It has its benefits.
I did the traditional wedding route the first time around (on a very strict budget) and it was wonderful.
When I get married again I'm gonna do a small ceremony....probably out doors...fairly casual in dress...and then an invite the crowd of family and friends for a party. (if that ever happens people will probably think it's a prank and not show up)
Dead Pony. Nice Touch.
Exactly Katherine...small and PARTY
Funerals suck. I have left instructions that I am to be cremated, there will be a party where everyone gets drunk, and then when they have sobered up I want my ashes scattered on a road trip across the USA.
Talk about leaving a carbon footprint ;)
Phfrankie: You encapsalated this post perfectly!
Vin: I applaud you and Nancy, and if I haven't said it before Congratualtions on your upcoming PARTY!!
Kat: I won't have anyone around probably when I kiss the earth goodbye, but my niece knows it's her problem anyhoo. I've never been married, but your next idea is the way I'd go too. It's all about me you know.
Starr: As far as funerals go, I really don't give a flying rat's ass what people do with me. Hell I don't care now! Ha! I think you'll be lovely sprinkled everywhere.
Hey, hey, hey, I never ever said hate.
Wouldn't you love to find,
a flying rats ass? Like a picture.
It would make a great t-shirt! Ha!
http://www.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0/14e/6/AAAAAhIK27YAAAAAAU5nfQ.png?v=1221942380000
I've used this pic before but it doesn't fly. ha ha
Mick: Sorry, no hate! Dislike? Actually, I'd love to find a flying rat's ass, no need for a picture, I'd bring it home for Cork, and call it George! By the way love the pic!!
There's nothing to dislike about the man, but I do believe, there is plenty to not believe about the man. That's all.
I'm not a flaming screaming rats ass of an atheist. ha ha
Mick: Ha! I know you're not! Hell, you're Jimmy Buffet!!!
Buffet is the shiz =)
Starr: Chanson Pour Les Petite Enfante!! Don't forget A Pirate Looks At 40!!
...Cheeseburger In Paradise, for the love of God!!!!!!!!!!...
Phrankie: Stars Fell On Alabama! Ha! Problem with the Buffet Man???
White Sport Coat and Pink Crustacean. And my personal favorite, Pencil Thin Mustache =)
Star: Are you listening to the CD I;m playing? Mr. Utley!!
Well done, Schmoop. Hope this is a regular gig.
Meg
...I like mine w/ lettuce and tomato...
Meg: Thank! I guess this is going to be a regular thing.
Phrankie: Heinz fifty seven and frenched fried potatoes....
I have a feeling the last pic is a dead married pony?
BTW my father in law said "Burn me up and flush me down the toilet... I've always wanted a burial at sea"
Cheesy: Ha! You are correct! You're father in law sounds a lot like my Dad!
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