Let's All Go To The Grocery, and See What's Good To Eat

Thank you all for your kinds words on yesterday’s post. I really don’t know what triggered that memory, but there you go. You’re welcome. ; )

Now, in keeping with the tradition of Bagwine Ruminations, I need to do something with no redeeming social value whatsoever. Actually, it probably won’t even make sense.

Are you in? Good!!

Say we’re in the same grocery store, and say…I happen to be one of those nosemary types (shut up, Matt!!); what would I find in your grocery cart?

In mine, nearly every week, you will find the following…

Frozen pizzas, frozen hamburgers or chicken patties, frozen fries (I’m sensing a theme), lunch meat, bread, cheese, and gum.

There are also times when you would find ice cream, cookies, and donuts. Don’t judge. Don’t judge. 

After all, I have been known to buy lettuce and tomatoes on occasion in order to balance everything out.

Y’know?

One of my all-time fave TV show quotes, and I have many, is:

“The way I see it…Unless we conform, unless we obey orders, unless we follow our leaders blindly, how can we ever hope to be free?”

--Maj. Frank Burns (M*A*S*H)

Speaking of TV, hey all you Seinfeld fans out there…

Tell me that a day doesn’t go by that something happens to you that doesn’t remind you of a Seinfeld episode. Holy Fuck, every damn day in my world it happens.

I told you that this post would make no sense. It’s like a stream of consciousness without the cohesiveness. What? Huh? Anyway…

Before I get too weird (again, shut up, Matt) I give you this picture because I like it…

Okay my pretties…Have a great weekend, and do me a favor if you would.

Please go visit the new I’m With Stupid website put together by my two favorite morons, Jay and Matt-Man. They need your help to get it going, because seriously…

Even with the picture of that dim witted bimbo in between them, their numbers as far as hits and reads, lag wayyyyy behind those of yours truly.

You can visit their new site by clicking HERE.

Zoooooves!!

Matt-Man Has The Kavorka

It’s no secret that Schmoop and I have had “issues” of late, and really, after nearly ten years together, that’s not unusual.

It happens.

There is one problem however, that is an off-shoot of our latest issue, which, at least with her, seems to be an overriding theme.

That problem?

Chicks dig me and Bagwine.

I know, some of you don’t believe me, but it’s true, and I don’t understand it either, but it happens.

And really, I am not talking merely about chicks, I am talking about people in general…They dig me.

It’s both a blessing…and a curse.

I have analyzed the situation and I have come up with the following…Schmoop’s right, but we have different rationale on said situation.

Allow me to explain our different theories on this phenomenon.

How do I explain this oddity in the space/time continuum?

I tell Schmoop that people, and chicks particularly, evidently dig guys who have the “5 B’s”.

What are the 5 B's, you ask?

Bald Head, Beer Gut, Bad Teeth, nearly legally Blind, and yet, have a nice Butt.

And I tell her…“I am just kinda amusing and say what‘s on my mind…people like that.”

Schmoop said this…

“No, that’s not it. You have the same thing Kramer (from Seinfeld) had. You have, the “Kavorka”.”

Now for those of you who don’t know what the “Kavorka” is, allow me to offer you this definition from Seinfeld and through the Urban Dictionary:

The Kavorka is a word which originated from the Latvian Orthodox.

It means "the lure of the animal". It is described as a curse, making someone irresistible to anyone of the opposite sex, even attractive to the same sex, as people will be naturally drawn to you.

It's a heavy responsibility to have to be imposed with everyone's lusty wants, hence, it's consideration as a curse. People will want to be with you, be like you, be you.

And there you go.

Keep in mind…I didn’t make this observation, Schmoop did. And no, she wasn’t drunk when she made it…Well, too much.

I have the Kavorka, my friends. I may be Matt-Man, Bitches, but I am cursed.

Turn away from me; I’m hideous.

Cheers!!

Positive Day in the Blogosphere...Yeah, Right.

Positive Day in the Blogosphere?…The Glass is Half Full Day…?

Really?

I guess today, bloggers around the world are supposed to post something positive. Being ordered to do so puts a HIV-Positive scorpion up my crawl. So, am I going to post something positive?

I'll answer that question using a phrase and movie reference from Seinfeld…

Prognosis Negative!!

In fact, let me paraphrase George Costanza from the aforementioned Seinfeld show and say...

“Everybody’s doing something positive, we’ll do something negative.”

Indulge me if you will…an opportunity to list some things that tick me off. The list thusly follows…

*Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann. Both right and left wing ideologues put a pain in my ass greater than if a curved, stainless steel plumber’s pipe had been shoved up my ass…and twisted until it fit.

*Sarah Palin. Actually, I am more ticked off by people who think she would make a good President. She’s a phony. She’s intellectually uncurious. She’s an Eskimo-ron.

*People who do not and never will know how to safely and successfully merge onto a highway. It says YIELD not STOP, and you should not cut the merge lane short!!

*Birther Conspiracists…people who think Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. Hey all ya right wing nuts who see helicopters circling over your house, he’s an American. I’m sorry that he’s also a "nigger" who is an Islamo-Fascist terrorist.

Maybe if Jesus came back, he could be our President. Nope, sorry…he was born in Judea. Which of course, since you are imbeciles and don’t know where that is, it’s modern day Palestine…or…Israel...or something.

*Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. It’s fine to be a guy who wants to earn ratings and money, but seriously…Do you have to be people who call Obama a racist and an “angry black man”? Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color. Of course, you might have to actually think to do that. So, nevermind.

*Chicks who leave the toilet seat down. I need it up. It ain't all about you, Bitches.

*Women (mainly) with six kids in a van who go to a Drive-Thru of any type and once they get there ask, “Gee kids, what do you want?” Either decide before you get there or TELL the damn rug rats what they want. There are people behind you who are either starving and/or dying of thirst!!

Oh, there are many more, but I do not want to burden you with negative things on such a positive karma kinda day.

In fact, before I leave, I want you to know that in honor of this day of positivity, I am going to hook up with Dick Cheney, toss a few back with him, and then we are going to go roll some drunk, crippled homeless people.

I’ll shoot video.

Cheers!!

Bagwine Ruminations Presents: Schmoop!!

Helllloooo!! I’m Schmoop and I welcome you all to the first installment of:

Dispatches From My Ass*…

So first out of the box, what’s with wedding and funerals? Sorry, Seinfeld reference. I’m watching it now, and there were so many good points.

I am a firm believer that everything in our lives can somehow be traced back to one of the many Seinfeld episodes.

Ponies for instance. Who has a pony? If you do, or you did, do you still? And why?

I mean the poop alone would put me off. Not to mention the big ass, glassy looking eyes. I have enough problems with our cat, Corky, zoning off.

Now, weddings…Good Lord!!

Why pay all that money for gowns, dinner, gifts, bridesmaids, etc. For what?

So you can live with this person, whom I guarantee you will fucking hate in eight months?

Do as I do. Shack the fuck up for almost nine years, and have a blast!

Save money, still in love, and the sex never gets old. Novel idea, no?

Funerals? Same thing. Do you even know you’re dead? I don’t think so.

Even if you do, would you like a whole bunch, or in my case not a whole bunch of people, crying and looking at your redesigned dead body in a box?

I know my Dad did not appreciate the showing at his funeral.

His pre-corpse words were, and I quote...

“Hey Girlie, burn me, stick me in a beer can, and put me on the ice box.”

Unfortunately, Mommmmm didn’t want to do that. She is such a killjoy.

When I die, just throw me atop a bonfire. Hell, my liver should keep the pyrotechnics glowing for days.

If Matt wants to utter a brief eulogolical (is that a word?) remark such as, “She was the best pussy I ever had.” That’s cool too.

However, he’ll probably reserve that post-mortem accolade for when our zoned-out cat, Corky, kicks the bucket. Bastard.

Where was I? Oh yea, inside my own fucked up head. Sorry about the language. It’s French, right? Right? OMG the voices!!

I have no point really. Just that I hate weddings, funerals…..and obviously….ponies.

Thank you and come again…

Zoves,

Schmoop

*I really liked all of the title ideas you guys came up with for my entries, however…Matt-Man liked his, Dispatches from my Ass idea best (naturally).

As not to harm his massive, yet fragile ego, I went with that. God, it’s so hard living with him.