Spice things up sexually. It would make my life more exciting, and would afford Schmoop the opportunity to relax more.
If I am otherwise occupied, she would not have to constantly look over her shoulder to see if I am getting ready once again to grab her hot, little ass and/or grope her boobs.
Of course, not too many other women really want to have sex with yours truly. So Sad. However…I think I have come up with a solution to that problem.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am now officially GAY!!
That’s right. I have come out of my incredibly messy closet and converted to Gay-Ism. I have trimmed my goatee. Shaved my chest.
And, even switched from Wild Irish Rose to Bartles and Jaymes Strawberry Daiquiri wine coolers.
I have become one, major league flamer….a raging, homo love machine.
How in the hell does my new found gayness help me if it is my desire to sleep with women, you ask?
Allow me to ‘splain…
Me being gay gets me into the women’s club. I can hang out with them without being a threat to them. They’ll be relaxed around me if I am gay.
If I am dishing and drinking spritzers with a group of women and Tiffany says, “Gee girls, do my tits look and feel saggy. Would men still like to suck these puppies?”
In unison the other women would respond, “Why not have Matty try them out; it’s okay Tiff…He’s Gay!!”
After sucking and groping Tiff and giving my approval, the other chicks will certainly want to know how theirs stack up. They’ll all want gay Matty-Boy to try theirs out.Let’s say I’m at a lingerie and sex toy party, and Tammy Schneider is unsure if she should purchase a pair of sexy, crotchless panties.
She voices her ambivalence to the other ladies, “I really like them, but I think my husband thinks my hoo-ha smells and tastes funny. I wonder if it does.”
The response from her peers…"Why don’t you have Matty give you a thorough taste test. It’s okay, Tammy…He’s Gay!!"
And dig it…With all of the lunches and spa sessions I’ll be doing with the babes, I’ll become involved in their personal lives.
At some point, there will be heartache for many of them due to an inattentive husband, an angry boyfriend…an unexpected weight gain.
Who will be there to pick up the pieces and console them? That’s right. Gay Matt.
I’ll have every one of them over for dinner in their time of need. We’ll talk, drink wine, and paint each other’s toenails.
And when the woman begins to sob uncontrollably from her situation and too much alcohol, I will say…“I hate to see you like this. You can stay with me tonight if you’d like. You really shouldn’t be alone.
Hell if you’d like, you can sleep with me, and as much as I won’t enjoy it, I will even have sex with you. It‘s okay…I'm Gay.”
The forlorned chick will respond…
“You would do that for me? You are so sweet, Matty. Let’s go my BFF, I’ll ride you all night, my pretty.”
I will let her take me by my supple hand, lead me to the bedroom, and giggling like a little schoolgirl, I will say…
“And don’t you worry about what’s going to happen being made public. After all, I’d never tell any of my gay friends about this.”
I think I am on to something. Oh yeah, I am one smooth chested, wine cooler drinkin’, gay genius.
Cheers!!
43 comments:
show me the smooth post-shaved chest and we'll talk...
Kat: Sweeeeet. Let me sign up for a couple of tanning sessions first. You don't want to look at a smooth, pasty white chest, do ya? Cheers!!
I'm sorry, but to really be considered gay you had to have been in one of those tea-parties they had last week. It would also have improved your pinky muscles (which is how woman really test gayness).
PITS: I dunno, PITS. My pinky is looking pretty damn hot and gay in the last picture. Cheers!!
I think you might be just a wee bit disillusioned regarding the gay lifestyle you've converted to, but you go right ahead Matty - someone needs to support Bartles and Jaymes!
I think this will be a great experiment. You can post about your conversion and all them men you date. Eventually, you will get bored with gayness and probably move on to drag. Oh the possibilities are endless.
Dana: Are you kidding? Sitting around all day exchanging advice with hot babes while we watch Will and Grace on DVD underneath the warm glow of my newly installed track lighting. Disillusioned? I don't think so. Cheers!!
Karen: You may be right. After all, I have the attention span of a gnat. A gay gnat, that is. Cheers Karen!!
You go ahead, and be as gay as you want, but shave one hair on that chest for real? You are soooo gone! Zoves!
Schmoop: Hmmmmm...I guess I could keep the chest hair. I may not be as smooth as I'd like, but I'll still be just as gay. Cheers and Zoves!!
....I think you're more than just gay...you're uber-gay!...
Phfrankie: See, Ladies and Gentlemen? While you hound me and ridicule my choice, the P-Man offers a complimentary word of encouragement. Phfrankie, I thank you. Smooch Smooch. Cheers!!
Will you be changing your name too? You could change it to Ben Dover. That would seal the gay identity.
And checking hoo-ha freshness? LMAO!!
Metal: Ha. I was thinking that "Brice" would be a nice, non-threatening name. And as for merely checking Hoo-ha freshness...
I consider it more as taking one for the team...my NEW, GAY team. God, I am selfless. Cheers Metal!!
Hell, I have known you were gay since the first time I visited and read your blog...
Bond: And you were immediately smitten, weren't you? Cheers Vin!!
I'm glad you finally came out of the closet. I don't think any of us wanted to let your secret out.
Oh, and you do realize that at some point, loooooooooong before they want you to have sex with them, women all ask if they can watch you and another guy have sex. I know all guys always have this fantasy of watching two women go at it, but women have the same fantasy about two guys.
So, have fun with that. ;-)
yeah.
no smooth chest.
I knew it.
sigh.
This was your big announcement?
I feel ripped off. This does not surprise me ONE. LITTLE. BIT.
No, Jay, not all women fantasize about man-on-man action. Ugh. Thanks for that picture that will now reside in my mind all day.
c'mon now Songbird....Jay was so sweet in volunteering to perform for you with Mateo....
Jay: Seriously? Hmmmmm. I wish you had told me this before I shaved my chest. Maybe I'll just hire a hooker. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to buy a bottle of Aloe. I am one itchy moe-foe. Cheers Jay!!
Kat: A smooth chest makes you hot? I never figured you for one who digs eighth grade boys. Boy, the things one learns about people over the internets. Cheers!!
Songbird: Let me tell ya...If you were to watch me performing man on man action with myself, you might change your mind. Cheers!!
Kat: Perv. Cheers Kat!!
I'm just not the Mrs. Robinson type...
I'm more partial to "brave" men of indigenous tribes with smooth chests....squaw that I am.
Kat: Yeah well, as Schmoop pointed out, if I altered my chest hair one iota, she would disembowel me and kick me to the curb. I could live without that scenario. Cheers Kat!!
Nope you'd be sportin the high hard one and that right there would give you away Matty.
Lu: I'd drink plenty of alcohol first...That way my member would only be semi-flaccid and apparently disinterested. Cheers Lu!!
Well OK then as long as your Johnson was going to tie one on first you may just get away with it but damn I'd line up that liver donor first.
Lu: Too Late. Cheers Pal!!
since Schmoop doesn't want you to shave the chest, just get a fake one like they did for the movie '300'
and - if you do need to have some actual real genuine gay sex on your road to women who need their va-jays-jays validated you could get a fake anus - Fidel Castro got one and travel to Cuba is now open - see how it all works out
I enjoyed reading about Corky! does she travel in a short carrier?
You're right! That's exactly what they are, Candy Tufts. I'm glad SOMEONE knew what they were!
Okay, is it wrong that this turned me on a little bit??
Dianne: A full body gay suit? Y'know...I think you could market such a piece of equipment. You're a frickin' genius. Cheers Sexy!!
Bina: Knowing what those flowers were...does that make me gay or hot? Either way, I'm turned on that you were turned on. Thanks for stopping. Cheers Bina!!
To be truly "gay" you're going to have to spruce up that wardrobe. It's not quite gay enough.
I'm sorry but if you become one, major league flamer….a raging, homo love machine~~ You're gonna have to clean that closet~~
Michele: Y'know? This entire thing is turning out to be alot of work and expense. I may have to renounce my gayness. Cheers Michele!!
Cheesy: Yet another reason to renounce my gayness. Sheesh. Cheers Cheesy!!
so...what will tomorrow bring?
pregnancy?
Kat: Nothing major...A political post and an introduction to a new Bagwine writer. Cheers Kat!!
Um, I sit around with my girlfriends and talk about that kind of stuff all the time. We have naked pillow fights too.
Marilyn: I knew it!! Where do I sign up? Cheers!!
Do you know I have always thought that it was no coincidence that those wine coolers were B&J. God knows they led to enough of them in the 80's.
Suddenly I can hear the Miami Vice theme song in my mind...Go Jan Hammer!
And dude, my gay frieds would run screaming from Vag :P
Starr: Yeah, well...I have given up. Too much effort and upkeep, and still no guarantee that I'd get laid. Cheers!!
While your plan has some great potential for the boob department, I think you very sadly mistaken about getting to inspect va-ja-ja's. No self-respecting gay man would take the job of telling Miss Quiff if hers stinks or not.
Plus if you do get them into bed for that cry-on-your-shoulder sleep over, they will expect your crotch and ass to be shaved as well. Just how much hair downthere are you willing to sacrifice.
great post - Cheers
David: Ha. Thanks David. If you read the comments, you can see that I decided this whole gay thing is too much work for me if I'm to do a good job at it.
I guess I'll remain a heterosexual slob. It's more in keeping with my pace of life. Cheers!!
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