Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Pig And A Poke

Much like in Orwell’s book, Animal Farm, the pigs are pissed, and are exacting their revenge in the form of Swine Flu.

The death toll in Mexico from this porcine pandemic, as of this writing, stands at 149.

It doesn't surprise me so much that pigs are making folks sick, because as my Mom always said to me as I was growing up:

“Matthew, if you lie down with pigs, you’ll get influenza A virus subtype H1N1.”

Yep, she always said that to me. Damn she was one smart woman. Anyhoo…

This outbreak which started in Mexico has found its way into the States.

California, New York, Texas, Kansas, and my state of Ohio, have reported cases of Swine Flu over the last couple of days.

Evidently this strain of Swine Flu can be passed not only from pig to human, but from human to human as well.

In Mexico, and four of the five aforementioned states, the sickness was the result of human to human contact, but let me tell ya folks…

I am almost positive that the cases in Ohio are the result of direct pig to human contact.

You see, while we are a state of nearly 11 million people, there are still vast rural areas in Ohio as well.

Folks in these rural, agricultural areas of Ohio, when not farming or going to a Baptist revival, enjoy three things…

Cow tipping, manufacturing meth, and pig fucking. Yes indeed folks, Ohio is one, huge ass state rife with pig fuckers.

Damn right. In parts of Ohio, animal husbandry takes on an entirely different meaning than what you believe it to be.

Oh sure, it involves injecting livestock with semen, but here in Ohio the injection takes on more of a "hands-on" approach.

It also, oft times, incorporates a case of Budweiser, the soft glow of a Coleman lantern, and a post-coital Marlboro.

Unfortunately, animal husbandry in Ohio, too often DOES NOT involve a condom. Tragic.

While people all over the country are oinking out over the spread of Swine Flu, here in Ohio we have, for years, been very familiar with it.

We just never called it Swine Flu. Any pig fucker ’round here who contracted a disease from a hog was known to have, “Swine-orrhea” or “Sowphilis”.

If you contract the disease by having sex with a sow, sure you’ll initially just get flu-like symptoms, but...

Six weeks later your Johnson(ville) will end up, appropriately enough, looking like it just went through a sausage grinder.

So my fellow Ohioans and any others who have desirous thoughts of getting it on with a porcine princess, if you’re going to do so, make sure you wrap your wank prior to porking the pig.

Better yet, don’t go all the way with Miss Piggy. Instead do what I do…

Simply have oral sex with the pig. And by that, I mean a pig in this form:

And please, don’t forget to wash your hands often when handling raw pork!!

Even oral sex with a pig should be as made as safe as humanly possible.

Cheers!!

41 comments:

Jay said...

First Mad Cow. Then the Bird Flu. Now Swine Flu. You know what? PETA has a lot to answer for considering the way they are always defending these animals that are trying to kill us off like this.

Jay said...

Oh and .. Is that dude with the blow up pig related to you? I thought maybe you too the photo yourself. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. Damn Right. PETA keeps saying, "What about the cute, little animals." I say, "Fuck em. Let's Eat!!"

As for the guy in the picture? I don't know who that is, but he looks strikingly like the Priest who gave me my First Communion. Cheers Jay!!

Cheesy said...

Fuck! Why oh why didn't the rubber pig photo get deleted?

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: Ha. Because I just found it today. Into Google images I merely typed in: Pig Sex.

Ha. Cheers Cheesy!!

snugs said...

Ok I'm not going to say who the guy looked like cuz you just really would not like it, I don't even like the way my brain picked this up (but I could of sworn it was Ryno in 40 years)damn it I told anyways! But I will tell ya the stores in my neck of the woods are crazy, this is worse than hurricane preps. Granted I am very near the border, but these peeps are going nuts over this swine flu deal. I sure hope it is all for naught; I guess time will tell.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Ryno? Why would you think that? He may be a basketball player, but he's not Dennis Rodman.

Eh, the flu thing will either pass or not...We will all become sick or not, but one thing is certain. Every network will discuss it 24/7 in order to stir up ratings. Cheers!!

doggybloggy said...

I am pullin' a birdie over here because you guys are makin' bogeys all over the place.

Matt-Man said...

DB: Um...er...okay. Cheers!!

Dana said...

It won't be REALLY good news until someone in the U.S. dies. I'm making a list now of those I think might be worthy!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: I think, while wrong of me, it would be funny if every overzealous, loud, obnoxious PETA member came down with it. Cheers!!

Karen said...

It is here in NJ now too. It is only a matter of time before it takes me down. Oink. Oink.

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Yeah, I heard that this morning. Hopefully, if anyone is exempt from it, it should be you. You've gone through enough of late. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

..."johnson (ville)"....bwaahahahahahhaha!...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Thank You...That made me chuckle as well. Cheers P-Man!!

Dianne said...

wrap your bacon in a rubber matty!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: No need. It's been nearly nine years now and Schmoop is as clean as they um...come. And she's no pig, so I think I'm safe.

Her safety on the other hand...? Cheers Di!!

The Teamster said...

while reading, when i scrolled to the guy fucking the blow up pig....i went blind for about 30 seconds...thankfully it came back..i almost had to file a workmans comp claim (i carry my laptop while working)....since the injury happened "on the clock"

Matt-Man said...

Teamster: Ha. While I'm thankful that your sight came back, make sure you note this incident in case you somehow picked up a social disease through your hard drive. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

I'm afraid of that man in the picture!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha, I would be too, but I'm fearless. Cheers Mick!!

Michele said...

See why I gave that shit up?

Have fun with your porcine orgy.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: You may have a point, however...

Schmoop and I will be eating those delicious looking sausage patties tonight. If she's up for it, I'll even lick the excess pork grease from her lips. Cheers Michele!!

Lu' said...

You could wrap your hand in bacon before spanking your monkey as it were ha!

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. Not only would it smell divine, it would offer a naturally occuring moisturizer...You may be on to something. Cheers Lu!!

Lu' said...

Sure and you can even change up: Thin slice for that sex with a celebrity feel. Thick cut for those with a hankerin for the heavy gals. Hickery smoked for that out by the moonshine still are you my cousin experience. Just to name a few I'm sure you can fill in the blanks :)

Matt-Man said...

Lu: And if I want to do and/or fantasize about Shannon Tweed, I can always use Canadian bacon. Perfect!! Cheers!!

Hammer said...

What are the muslims going to do if they catch it and can't go to heaven?

The science channel was too worried about comets and meteors kill us they ignored the pig fuckers completely.

Matt-Man said...

Hammer: Ha. Y'know...Much like The History Channel ignores my history lessons, The Discovery Channel ignores my pig fucker postulate. Cheers!!

Bond said...

I am totally convinced that is you in that picture and will prove it tomorrow.

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Have at it Vinny...I would look sexy in that get up. Cheers!!

Sarge Charlie said...

Mr Matt Man, have you noticed soldiers have died since our “Dear Leader” changed it from a war to an “Overseas contingency operation”. You should have noticed, we now have reporters gawking with camera in hand when their remains come home.

How do you know I hate "Our Dear Leader," I do not hate him, I hate what he is doing to my country.

How can I construct arguments against policy differences, he is bypassing the normal historic precedent of open debate to force his socialist agenda on America. This guy is far worse as president the Jimmy Carter, we are in the swirl of the toilet my friend, wake up and smell the coffee.

FYI, your post is disgusting.

Candice said...

Note to self- Need to do more Kegel exercised prior to coming to read Matt's blog.

BTW, how in the hell did you get the picture of my Uncle fucking the plastic piggy?

;)

Bond said...

Is it really necessary to bring discussions from one blog to another to push your policies?

Marilyn said...

this is one of your more disturbing posts.

Matt-Man said...

Charlie: My post is disgusting? Gee, Uncle Charlie, I hope I didn't upset Chip and Ernie.

As for your remarks...How can you tell that Obama is worse than Carter after 100 days? And on what do you base your critique? And dude, I mentioned on your site that nobody died due to the stupid fly by in NYC.

As for him bypassing debate? If you're referring to reconcilliation, it is far from unprecedented just look at how it was used by the Repubs during the Bush Administration. Tax Cuts? Ring a Bell? No? Hmmm? Cheers Sport!!

Matt-Man said...

Candice: You had me at Kegels. As for obtaining the pic of your Uncle? I'm stealthy. Cheers Candice!!

Bond: It's alright Vinny, he amuses me. Cheers!!

Marilyn: Ha. Is that good or bad? Cheers Marilyn!!

katherine. said...

shaking my head....

Matt-Man said...

Kat: What? It's all true...'cause I believe it. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Just a bit of info on the reporters showing up when the dead soldiers come home. It only happens if the families give their ok. So if the reporters offend people, they can take it up with the grieving families.

That said, I think there is some hidden kismet charmer in that pig fucker picture, Matt ;)

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Ha...And what you said about the soldiers is correct. Cheers!!