Cinco de Mayo: For Me, It's Just Like Thanksgiving

Today is a day of Mexican celebration, and one that all Americans should be thankful for as well.

What does Cinco de Mayo commemorate, you ask?

Well, let me give you a history lesson and ‘splain it to you.

In 1862, Napoleon III, Emperor of France, sent troops to Mexico to install a puppet government.

This army of well supplied French soldiers had planned on attacking Mexico City. It was not to be.

When word of this plan spread, a gang of 43 young Mexicans decided to take on the French army.

This gang had been formed after the evil Gadsden Purchase of 1853.

These brave gang members were known as the, Fuck Franklin Piercers.

Packed like um...well, Mexicans, into their horse-drawn hoopty with tricked out wooden wheels...

The 43 brave FFP-ers headed to meet the French at the city of Puebla.

Armed only with unbridled courage, switchblades, and mariachi music, these 19th Century gang members defeated the heavily armed, and meticulously uniformed European pussies mighty French army…

That's the way it was...May 5, 1862.

I am glad those guys thwarted the French, because had they not, things today would be much worse here in the States.

For instance, all of the illegal aliens swimming across the Rio Grande to come here, would be French!!

Can you imagine having your lawn and garden kept up by a half dozen French guys? Oh, dear God…

They would be complaining about the heat, the pay, and the crooked mow lines on the fescue. And God forbid if you offer them tap water to drink…

They would demand Perrier!!

And just think…

The French illegals working here as hotel maids would have hairy armpits.

Do you want your bed made up and towels changed by a chick with hairy armpits?

I didn’t think so.

There would also be no Mexican fast food chains.

Instead, Main Street U.S.A. would be littered with fast-food eateries called, Crepe-Eaux Belle.

Am I going to go to a place like that when I’m stinkin' drunk at 2 A.M., and order the Pollo Puff Pastry Supreme with currants and bleu cheese...?

Je ne le fuckin' pense pas!!

Just think…If one of these border crossing French aliens stopped me to ask for directions, my entire response would be different.

Instead of the fluid, lilting sounding reply, “No Habla Espanol.” I would have to say...

“I don’t speak Frog, you pretentious French bastard.”

Hell, even history would be forever altered.

Instead of being known for his brazen, anti-hero exploits, Pancho Villa would be known for his over powering serve as he won the 1912 French Open on the clay courts of the Stade Roland Garros.

So Sad…

So on this Cinco de Mayo, take time out to hug an illegal Mexican and thank them for not being French.

Just make sure to wear a pig flu mask and keep one hand on your wallet when doing so.

Cheers!!

Oh, and just for shits and giggles...From my Sharpie to your computer screen, a classic Inky and Lola cartoon...

Screw The Swine Flu, It's Fiesta Time!!

Tomorrow is the big day, kids. Cinco de Mayo!!

Of course, due to the swine flu, the celebrations may be subdued.

Should I dial things back as well because this epidemic of the H1N1 virus originated in Meh-hee-co?

Screw that, I am going to spend tomorrow celebrating all things Mexican.

I ain’t afraid of no stinking pig flu, Bitches. I am going to whoop it up and rejoice in the marvelous victory of the Mexicans over those dirt bag French in 1862.

I asked Schmoop if she could pick up some authentic Mexican food at the grocery for the fiesta, and damn if she didn’t deliver…

Damn right…

Those are Skyline Cheese and Bean Burritos manufactured lovingly hand made many miles south of Bagwine in Ciudad el Cincinnati.

A few of those, some hot sauce, and a fifth of Tequila, and I’ll be experiencing Montezuma’s revenge in no time.

Of course for me, this isn’t just another sad excuse to party it up. It is more a chance to experience the beauty of other cultures.

And as soon as Schmoop leaves for work, I plan on experiencing that beauty with Consuela.

She’s the non-English speaking Mexican neighbor who moved in next to us.

Is she hot or what? She’s not just a Mexican. She’s a SEXICAN!! Ole’ Baby!! And while it’s true she speaks no English…

I know I can communicate to her through the language of amor and a case of Dos Equis will help as well.

A few drinks, my American charm, and before you can say, “Viva Zapata”, Consuela and I will be engaged in a nude reenactment of the Battle of the Alamo.

Si Si, mi amigos, I am not allowing the threat of Swine Flu to rain on my Mexican Day Parade.

In fact, I laugh in the face of the Mexican Swine Flu.

I have even bought a special piñata for tomorrow’s Cinco de Mayo celebration…

I can’t wait to see a sweaty, naked Consuela taking swings at my pretty, candy-filled pork.

Bust it open and say gracias, Consuela, it’s not just the Fifth of May…

It’s Cinco de Matt-O.

Salud!!

A Pig And A Poke

Much like in Orwell’s book, Animal Farm, the pigs are pissed, and are exacting their revenge in the form of Swine Flu.

The death toll in Mexico from this porcine pandemic, as of this writing, stands at 149.

It doesn't surprise me so much that pigs are making folks sick, because as my Mom always said to me as I was growing up:

“Matthew, if you lie down with pigs, you’ll get influenza A virus subtype H1N1.”

Yep, she always said that to me. Damn she was one smart woman. Anyhoo…

This outbreak which started in Mexico has found its way into the States.

California, New York, Texas, Kansas, and my state of Ohio, have reported cases of Swine Flu over the last couple of days.

Evidently this strain of Swine Flu can be passed not only from pig to human, but from human to human as well.

In Mexico, and four of the five aforementioned states, the sickness was the result of human to human contact, but let me tell ya folks…

I am almost positive that the cases in Ohio are the result of direct pig to human contact.

You see, while we are a state of nearly 11 million people, there are still vast rural areas in Ohio as well.

Folks in these rural, agricultural areas of Ohio, when not farming or going to a Baptist revival, enjoy three things…

Cow tipping, manufacturing meth, and pig fucking. Yes indeed folks, Ohio is one, huge ass state rife with pig fuckers.

Damn right. In parts of Ohio, animal husbandry takes on an entirely different meaning than what you believe it to be.

Oh sure, it involves injecting livestock with semen, but here in Ohio the injection takes on more of a "hands-on" approach.

It also, oft times, incorporates a case of Budweiser, the soft glow of a Coleman lantern, and a post-coital Marlboro.

Unfortunately, animal husbandry in Ohio, too often DOES NOT involve a condom. Tragic.

While people all over the country are oinking out over the spread of Swine Flu, here in Ohio we have, for years, been very familiar with it.

We just never called it Swine Flu. Any pig fucker ’round here who contracted a disease from a hog was known to have, “Swine-orrhea” or “Sowphilis”.

If you contract the disease by having sex with a sow, sure you’ll initially just get flu-like symptoms, but...

Six weeks later your Johnson(ville) will end up, appropriately enough, looking like it just went through a sausage grinder.

So my fellow Ohioans and any others who have desirous thoughts of getting it on with a porcine princess, if you’re going to do so, make sure you wrap your wank prior to porking the pig.

Better yet, don’t go all the way with Miss Piggy. Instead do what I do…

Simply have oral sex with the pig. And by that, I mean a pig in this form:

And please, don’t forget to wash your hands often when handling raw pork!!

Even oral sex with a pig should be as made as safe as humanly possible.

Cheers!!