Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Groped and Porked

I hope everyone enjoyed their Memorial Day. Me?

It was nice being home for awhile with Schmoop, but alas I had to go to work later in the day.

With the Memorial Day holiday and the weather being a bit muggy, I wanted to dress in a fashion that would accomplish a couple of things.

One…Contain a bit of red, white, and blue to highlight the Memorial Day theme. And two?

Limit the amount of ball sweat that I was to incur while moving about at the Beer Mine.

So, much to the chagrin of Schmoop, I left the house and went to work dressed in the following ensemble…


Tres’ chic, no? Of course it is. My sleeveless, Old Navy shirt to comfortably cover my overly chiseled upper body, and on the bottom half?

A pair of navy boxer briefs with a pair of standard, red, white, and blue boxers atop them!! I was looking Patriotic in breathable, American cotton.

My boys were grateful…They barely worked up a sweat, and my taint stayed dry and happy. I was feelin’ good, however…

I detected snickers and slight smiles of bewilderment from some of our patrons, yet they refrained from commenting.

Until one of our regulars (we’ll call him Butch, because well, that’s his name), spoke up while sporting an askew glance upon his mug.

“Do you know that your underwear are on the outside of your shorts...or are those pajama bottoms?”, Butch asked.

I said that neither was true…I was technically wearing two pair of underwear, and it felt good.

Butch responded…“Well it’s a good thing God doesn’t judge us by what we wear.” And he drove off, wearing a crooked smile and all the while shaking his head.

Now, there was a minority of one who evidently like my cutting edge summer garb. A chick who comes through on a fairly regular basis laughed when she pulled in and saw me.

I approached her door and asked her what was so funny. She said to me, “Are those shorts?” I said, “Well, yeah!!”

She then asked me to turn around, and I did. Upon completing my manly twirl, she grabbed my ass, and said, “Whatever you’re wearing…it works for you, sweetie.”

I appreciated her comment, but I tell ya. I was very offended by her incredibly firm groping of my butt.

Only my desire to be groped by hot women professionalism held me back from voicing my displeasure with her violation of my body.

But I ask you…Aren’t many styles and makes of boxer shorts no different in appearance than typical “outerwear” shorts? I’m not crazy am I?

Because seriously, I thought I looked much like I was wearing a typical pair of shorts with something akin to compression shorts underneath.

Just askin’, all y’all.

Lastly, Drive-By Mikey stopped by last night at work and brought me some pulled pork and some incredibly delicious sweet sauce.

Ol Mikey slaughtered one of his pigs and he and his wife had a hog roast at their farm Sunday.

I want to thank them for it, because let me tell ya…Roasted, Smoked, or otherwise Cooked, Ohio hog tastes oinkingly good.

As was this, and I appreciate Drive-By Mike and his wife for porkin' me.

Have a lovely Tuesday, all.


Cheers!!

31 comments:

Cheesy said...

Must be in the air.. I got porked today too! lol

I fer one like the outfit deary~

Schmoop said...

And exactly what does "porked" mean in your world today? Hmmmmm? Thanks Cheesy. Cheers!!

Michele said...

That was a Tres Chic ensemble. I'll have to take your word on the pork. Glad you had a good one.

Cheesy said...

Exactly what you think!

Candice said...

That is a lovely fashion statement you've got going on there.

It's all about the dry taint. I'm so glad you accomplished that.

Knight said...

I think the most distracting part of the outfit is that the top pair of shorts are so ,well, short! You have to assume they are boxers. I don't know why you bothered with the bottom pair. Think of all the fresh air the boys would have enjoyed.

Desert Songbird said...

You're in a class by yourself, Matty.

Schmoop said...

Michele: Why thanks...As for the pork, I know, I know, but it was very good. Cheers!!

Cheesy: You Vixen, You!! Cheers Cheesy!!

Candice: You are soo right. Working in a non-sweaty bodily environment adds to one's productivity. Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Knight: I could have told people that the top pair are actually NBA replica shorts circa 1971...Cheers Knight!!

Songbird: I don't think you mean that in a good way. Have fun on vacation. Cheers!!

Vodka Mom said...

sounds like a good time was had by all!

nothing like a good grope........

Schmoop said...

Vodka: Good Grope? I was violated!! Does no one care? Cheers VM!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I call it my "region"...and it must be DRY!...

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: To keep "one's powder dry" amidst the humidity of a Southwest Ohio summer takes adaptation and constant diligence. Cheers P-Man!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

So did you file a police report? did they do a rape kit on you?

You let a serial groper go and you want sympathy?

Schmoop said...

Bond: The cops did swab my ass and asked:

"Damn Matt-Man, how DO you manage to keep things so dry down there?"

Cheers Vinny!!

Liz Hill said...

Tis the season to be porked!

I like the ensemble. You got groped!

Schmoop said...

TB: Isn't it always? As for the get up...Like it or not, it is obvioulsy effective in garenring me a cheap feel. I think I'll keep it around. Cheers Sexy!!

Jay said...

I'm glad to know that there is at least one person with worse fashion sense than me.

And, do you have a "Please grope the help" sign up at the beer mines? Cause that would be fun. Just have everyone who comes through grab your ass. Except me. I would pass on that. LOL ;-)

Schmoop said...

Jay: Worse fashion sense? I looked HAWT, and yet remained cool. A grope sign, eh? I'll run that idea by Drive-By Mikey. Cheers Jay!!

Lu' said...

No matter how you spin it Homeslice, you went to work in your friggin underware x 2 ha ha ha! Is it sick that I want you even more now?

Schmoop said...

Lu: Ha...I like knowing that. And Happy Belated Birthday, Lu. Cheers!!

desert rat said...

I like it! It screams, "Maverick!" (Or it whispers, "I got dressed in the dark.")

Either way it looks quite comfy. (And no itchy sweaty taint - or crackage, I imagine!)

Schmoop said...

Desert Rat: Ha. Very Good. And you're right...No sweat or itch. Praise Jeebus!! Cheers Rat!!

Dice Mardell said...

Tres’ chic, yes.

I like the look - and your color choices. You wear it well.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

dude...really...now that I see the outfit..

no freakin way

Schmoop said...

Dice: Thank you Di. It's not easy being on the cutting edge of fashion. Cheers!!

Bond: You just wish that you could pull that look off. You know it looks good. Cheers!!

MysteryChick said...

I love the outfit, truly cutting edge fashion!

As for being groped and porked all in one day, I can only dream!

katherine. said...

so basically....from the inside of a car all your customers look straight into your fly?

Dana said...

Ummmm ...

No, it looks like you are wearing two pair of underwear, but I'm guessing it's not the most hideous ensemble you've ever worn in public either *wink*

Schmoop said...

Chick: Ha. It was a banner day for me indeed. Cheers Chick!!

Kat: Um, yes...yes they are. However, that particular pair buttons in the front. I'm not gauche...in public. Cheers!!

Dana: No it's not the most "trendy" thing I have worn in public. And trust me, there's more to come. Cheers!!

David said...

Casual Friday takes a very far backseat to Casual Holiday there in the beer mines.

cheers