The 2009 Atlantic Hurricane Season officially starts today. Aren’t you excited?
I know I am. I am a Hurricane FREAK!!
I have studied them my entire life. Well, since about the age of seven or so. I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist and working at the National Hurricane Center.
My dream of forecasting these magnificent storms was blown away like the roof of the Superdome when I encountered two things.Math and Physics…Those two, fucking “blank look on my face eliciting” disciplines. Nonetheless…
I am quite the amateur meteorologist and know a helluva lot about hurricanes specifically. So, I get excited at this time of year…
Hurricanes are nature’s perfect steam engine. They’re dynamos of destruction, and at the same time when viewed by satellite, an incredibly beautiful picture of power and symmetry.
But there’s one thing about these storms that disturbs me…The fucking names that the WMO (World Meteorological Organization) picks out for them.
Look at this year’s selections…
Ana Bill
Claudette Danny
Erika Fred
Grace Henri
Ida Joaquin
Kate Larry
Mindy Nicholas
Odette Peter
Rose Sam
Teresa Victor
Wanda
Claudette Danny
Erika Fred
Grace Henri
Ida Joaquin
Kate Larry
Mindy Nicholas
Odette Peter
Rose Sam
Teresa Victor
Wanda
It’s no wonder that so many people fail to heed the warnings when a hurricane is approaching. These names do not invoke fear.
I mean c’mon…Hurricane Bill? Oooooo, I am frightened, Bill might be coming this way. It’s sounds like the next door neighbor you talk over the fence with.
Hurricane Erika? What, is this some kind of sexy hurricane? A pole dancer spinning counterclockwise, perhaps? Hey Guys!! Let’s not evacuate, I want to see what Erika looks like!!
Fred!? Ha. Henri!? Isn’t that a French name?
I mean c’mon…Hurricane Bill? Oooooo, I am frightened, Bill might be coming this way. It’s sounds like the next door neighbor you talk over the fence with.
Hurricane Erika? What, is this some kind of sexy hurricane? A pole dancer spinning counterclockwise, perhaps? Hey Guys!! Let’s not evacuate, I want to see what Erika looks like!!
Fred!? Ha. Henri!? Isn’t that a French name?
You know damn well, that Hurricane Henri would be a big pussy storm and surrender to the shoreline. People wouldn’t even bother boarding their windows for Henri.
I laugh at Odette. Doesn’t that sound like some white haired octogenarian who has Alzheimer’s?
Ol’ Hurricane Odette would be meandering all over the Gulf with no direction. And then, one night she would secretly disappear altogether and no one would be able to find her.
Oy…C’mon WMO throw the fear of God into coastal dwellers. Let’s have Hurricane Vlad and Adolf. Hurricane Cheney.
I laugh at Odette. Doesn’t that sound like some white haired octogenarian who has Alzheimer’s?
Ol’ Hurricane Odette would be meandering all over the Gulf with no direction. And then, one night she would secretly disappear altogether and no one would be able to find her.
Oy…C’mon WMO throw the fear of God into coastal dwellers. Let’s have Hurricane Vlad and Adolf. Hurricane Cheney.
Hurricane Medusa…and yes…Hurricane Carrot Top. I shudder just thinking about it.
Hurricanes are storms that need to be respected, shouldn’t the name mirror the respect that they deserve? Damn right, they should.
This year’s names once again fail on that front. Mindy? Nicholas? Talk about your Country Club Hurricanes.
Although, I hope we do have at least 16 named storms this season. ’Cause you know what that means…
It means that Hurricane PETER has just developed. Ha.
Take cover everyone…A Big Ol’ Peter is coming!! It’s going to be too hard to ride this Peter out!! Leave now folks, in case Peter comes prematurely.
The eye of Peter is tightening up!! The surge from Peter could drown everyone. Do what your mother would tell you to do, and Don’t Fuck With Peter!!
Now THAT, I could really dig.
Happy Hurricane Season 2009!!
Cheers!!
Hurricanes are storms that need to be respected, shouldn’t the name mirror the respect that they deserve? Damn right, they should.
This year’s names once again fail on that front. Mindy? Nicholas? Talk about your Country Club Hurricanes.
Although, I hope we do have at least 16 named storms this season. ’Cause you know what that means…
It means that Hurricane PETER has just developed. Ha.
Take cover everyone…A Big Ol’ Peter is coming!! It’s going to be too hard to ride this Peter out!! Leave now folks, in case Peter comes prematurely.
The eye of Peter is tightening up!! The surge from Peter could drown everyone. Do what your mother would tell you to do, and Don’t Fuck With Peter!!
Now THAT, I could really dig.
Happy Hurricane Season 2009!!
Cheers!!
26 comments:
I'm thinkin' "Hurricane Ena Lynne" has a nice ring to it! (Although maybe that's not quite bad ass enough.)
I'm pretty psyched for hurricane season too. I take Jim Cantore in my celebrity death pool every year. I really think this year is it. One of those hurricanes is gonna take him out.
celebrity death poll??
why do we only name hurricanes? Why do we not name tornadoes?
we do name earthquakes...but only if they kill someone...and then by the location of the epicenter. "Loma Prieta" and all.
Hurricane Medusa sounds frightening...
I just poked my fucking eyes out thanks to Carrot Top.
And I've lost my sex drive.
Thanks alot Matt-Man!
Candice: See? It kinda works doesn't it? Sorry about the sex drive. Tell the boys down at the pool hall I apologize for their...er...your loss. Cheers Candice!!
I was kind of hoping for a hurricane Dana this year. Being one of those non-gender specific names, I have the opportunity to make the list every year!
I guess I'll just have to make my own, unofficial hurricane.
Dana: I am my own Hurricane every Thursday. After too much bagwine, I start involuntarily spinning around counter-clockwise, falling into things and destroying them. Cheers!!
NO NO NO NO
NOT Carrot-top!?!?!?!?!?
Bond: Yes Yes Yes Yes...It is a name, a person, a hurricane that all want to avoid. Cheers Vinny!!
I think a Hurricane Bondo would be the most frightning to me.
Micky: Ha. That would be a most frightening storm indeed. But at the same time, one that acts most unusually, and at times, pfhunny. Cheers Mick!!
I hope the season blows hard for you Matt-Man.
here's something you didn't know about me
in 1955 Hurricane Diane really fucked with the NE, she was one of those hurricanes that dooesn't live by the rules and was bored on the shores of NC so she tripped on up to the big city
Meanwhile a young couple in NY were fighting over which relative they hated the least in order to name their first child
and then the wind began to blow ...
and I've been blowing ever since - of course they fucked up the spelling - but that's Brooklyn
Lu: You, my friend, are so kind to me. Cheers Lu!!
Dianne: Ha. That's a cool story. Diane was, oddly enough, quite deadly in spite of its relative lack of punch as far as wind when it hit you guys.
You I am sure, are quite as deadly, but in a hot, sexy way. Cheers Di!!
Having just moved to hurricane central I'm perfectly okay with a Bill or Mindy one. How about I rename it after it passes my house for you?
Michele: Awwwwww. You would do that for me? I appreciate it. Just name him or her, Hurricane Michele. Good luck in Houston this season. Cheers!!
Dianne: I meant to tell ya. You lucked out. Had you been born a year earlier, your may have very well been named "Hazel." Oy. Cheers Di!!
...Hurricane Heather (Mills): "Ouch! Damnit, I just got hit by a flyin' leg!"...
Phfrankie: Ha. And you know damn well Hurricane Heather would be one of the costliest Hurricanes on record. Cheers P-Man!!
Unlike most hurricanes storm Heather Mills would take the wind out of your sails
Lu: True. But she'd still be one crazy bitch of a storm and leave people with much less than prior to what they had prior to her appearance. Cheers!!
Hurricane Joaquin will do a really bad impersonation of a hurricane and then fall off the stage
TB: Ha. Very Good. But I would expect no less from a Birthday Girl. Happy Birthday Bay-bay. Cheers!!
Thanks for Carrot-Top. Now I have to clean my breakfast off of my keyboard.
Ass.
Metal: Hey. Hurricane Safety is oft times bitter and and brutal. Cheers Metal!!
I'm thinking Hurricane Mindy would do well in South Beach. It's a FL kinda name.
Songbird: Hurrican Moses might do okay in FL. Put the fear of Yahweh into all of the retired East Coast Jews. Cheers!!
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