Friday, May 29, 2009

Now Dig It: Roe v. Dave

Hi Kids. Dave here…Now dig it.

How many of you went on fishing trips with “your Dad”? Wow…I still have bad dreams about it.

My father thought he was Long John Silver. He would yell at us…

“Keep your eye on the bobber!!” “Don’t move!! Don’t talk!!” “Don’t breathe!!”

Gee Dad, I never knew that fish had such keen eyesight or hearing. Or could detect the slightest respiratory actions of a fucking 12 year old kid. What a fucking prick.

And then, on top of that, would come his famous line. “God Damn It!! What’s wrong with you kids?”

He would bring a small chest freezer along to store “all” of the fish that HE…er…we caught. Hell, the only fish that ended up in that freezer were from Mrs. Paul’s.

Nowadays, I have a new fishing partner. Yes, the Matt-Man. We don’t catch much, but just getting away from everything for a few hours is nice.

I say nothing, and he says nothing…except for when he screams, “Hey Dave, did you see that big motherfucker!?” So warm.

The only noise we hear is from the summer breeze and the flock of geese that honk and laugh their asses off at us, knowing we probably won’t catch anything.

And then to add insult to their mockery of us, they fly up and drop a few Canadian Goose sized milk duds on our heads. Bastards.

Now Matt, he will cast out only 10-12 feet. I, on the other hand will cast out 200-300 yards. I don’t give a fuck if the fish are only 10-12 feet from shore…I NEED DISTANCE, GOD DAMN IT!!

Ha…If Daddy could only hear me now!! But, well…at least Matt-Man never yells.

Sometimes, a couple of Matt-Man’s brothers hook up with us…which is a mixed blessing.

His brother Vince? He will bring only TWO worms and a gay little tripod to rest his pole upon. You know why?

Because he always has to get back home to clean out his fucking gutters!! “Hey Vince, try casting out over there.” And he will respond


“Nope, gotta go; it might rain in the near future and there may be a leaf in my spouting!!”

Now Marty, is just plain fucked up. He’s obnoxious and loud in a good way. He will ask, “Where are the fish biting?”

I’ve seen Matt say, “Right where my bobber is.” Marty will throw his line in six inches from Matt-Man’s, and in seconds, reel in a fish.

And then…Marty will begin to laugh just like Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. What a freak.

We try to get Schmoop to go with us once in awhile, but it never has, and it never will happen. Because, well…She’d have to leave the house.

That’s too bad, because whether we catch anything or not, it’s nice to be out there next to the lake and feel the sun upon your face.

Of course….I could do without the duck shit on my noggin.

Dig It…
Dave

20 comments:

katherine. said...

it's gettin' so I can't tell you two apart.

I never went fishing with my father. Probably because I am a girl.

I fished with my grandfather...my paternal grandfather who I am named after.

To be fair...my dad was never really into to any type of sport.....except as a spectator.

I use to love to go fishing with my grampa. I was always quiet. He taught me to tie flies.

It'd probably be almost as much fun fishing with the boys of bagwine.

Cheesy said...

She doesn't go because when you menfolk are out of the house? Well you're OUT OF THE HOUSE!

Schmoop said...

Kat: Yur paternal grandfather's name was, Katherine? That's disturbing. Cheers Kat!!

Schmoop said...

Cheesy: She doesn't go because there are bugs, and she can't take her nippy bottle along. Cheers Cheese!!

Ena said...

My dad would take us (me, sis, and Mom), on backpacking trips when we were kids and we would fish just for something to do while we were out in the woods. It was pretty great until I realized that I really don't like fish at all but LOVE the woods. (Which was just as well because all I ever caught were pinecones, tree branches, my sister's jacket, and some impressive logs.)

One time when I was in high school my boyfriend took me fishing off a pier in the San Fransisco Bay. The only thing I caught was a buzz.

I'll bet fishing with YOU guys would be right up my alley, though (well, without the duck shit.)

katherine. said...

laughing....no...but not much better...his first name was "Clair"...hence the katherine-claire...

Ena said...

My grandfather's name was "Chester." Yikes!

Michele said...

Uh gee Dave...Your memories of your dad are just plain disturbing. The fact that you've replaced him with Matt is even more so. Have you sought help? Not that Matt is not great. He is but that is not the issue.

Schmoop, good move on your part by not participating in this manly tradition. There is just so much testosterone that a woman can take.

Schmoop said...

Ena: Chester...Hee Hee. You'd have fun fishing with us. And as far as your fishing excursion in SF...Better to catch a buzz tha an STD. Cheers Ena!!

Katherine: Ha. I think I prefer knowing him as Katherine. Cheers!!

Michele: Ha. You're in fine comedic form today. Cheers Michele!!

Lu' said...

Ahhh sitting by the peaceful waters edge with Matt-Man and his pole, sounds like a pleasant day to me *wink*

Schmoop said...

Lu: Ha...Now if only I can get ya to take the bait. Cheers Pal!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

"...leaves in my spouting."?...

Schmoop said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Yeah, that would make a good name, too. Cheers P-Man!!

Dianne said...

if we only had a nickel for every time Matty pointed out where his "bobber" was ...

Schmoop said...

Dianne: Ha. You'd be rich, because I am constantly pointing out (and fondling) my bobber to others. Have a faboo weekend, Sexy!!

Lu' said...

Fish don't usually swallow the bait right? Just mouth it? Ha I have found the gutter oh that's right I never really lost it.

Schmoop said...

Lu: Ha...I knew you never lost it but it's nice to see you put it out there from time to time. Cheers Lu!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Fishing to me is selecting the catch of the day on a menu...

No really, we used to fish in the LI Sound and the ocean all the time as kids...

It was great fun, especially when you reeled in a bullet-ridden body...

Schmoop said...

Bond: Did you use meatballs for bait? Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Hammer: We do cuss often but believe it or not. We don't drink when we're at the lake. Cheers Hammer!!