Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Birthers, Taitz, and Obama...Matt-Man Saves America

Just in time for President Obama’s birthday today, those wacky Birthers who don’t believe that Obama was born in the United States have some post-natal proof that is going around the internets.

The proof? A picture of Obama’s real birth certificate showing that he was born in Kenya. Damn straight bitches…

August 4, 1961 our President was born in Mombasa, Kenya.

Led by a nut job lawyer named Orly Taitz…oh excuse me, Dr. Orly Taitz, the birthers will take Obama all the way to the Supreme Court and stick the knife of truth into him.

Seriously, this Taitz chick, who claims to be a lawyer, dentist, and real estate agent was born in Russia.


I’m thinking that she wasn’t just born in the Russia…Taitz was born in the Soviet Union.

And the plot thickens…

If Taitz was born in the Soviet Union, that makes her one of them there God Damn Commies!! Uh huh…I just went there. And my friends, this is where it gets really interesting.

Obama’s parents birthed him in Kenya and had him magically transported to Hawaii on the same day so he could grow up to be elected President of the United States 47 years later. The KGB caught wind of this scheme.

Led by an 8 year old Vladimir Putin, the Soviet KGB did a little scheming themselves and created one, Dr. Orly Taitz who would later be integral to their plan of world domination. But first, there was groundwork to be laid.

During the late eighties and early nineties to add realism to their future plans, the Soviets would make it appear that their iron-fisted, Communist country had collapsed and broken into free, autonomous countries.

The young Taitz would grow up, immigrate to the United States some years later and produce the goods on the Obama conspiracy after his election. This of course, would throw our country into chaos and a Constitutional crisis.

With America reeling from these events, the former Soviet Republics would once again coalesce into their former souless, totalitarian state and smash our nation into tiny, tiny pieces.

Those fucking Soviets are some clever sunzabitches. But…they didn’t plan on the Matt-Man being around to expose their diabolical plan.

Wake Up America!!

So what if Obama spent a couple of his nascent hours in Mombasa? His parents had the foresight to use time travel in order to get him the hell to Hawaii, and later become our President.

Would you rather be governed by Obama, a guy who was born in Kenya, or ruled by Putin…

An evil, godless Commie who is constantly flying over Sarah Palin’s house in a MiG-29 while wearing a Speedo?

I thought so…Instead of getting behind the pod-people Birthers and Orly the Soviet Operative, get behind the Matt-Man, and as you line-up behind me, I’d like to hear you say…

“Thank You. Thank You, Matt-Man for saving The United States of America.”

You’re Welcome.

Happy Birthday Mr. Kenyan-Born President, and…

Cheers!!

50 comments:

Jay said...

Haha! Anyone lizard brained enough to actually follow someone as loony as this chick pretty much deserves whatever gov't they vote for. No matter how bad it is.

Even though it won't mean anything to the birther morons, here's where the forged Kenyan birth certificate came from:
http://is.gd/21A3o

It's actually an Australian birth certificate. Hell, Dan Rather did a better job of forging documents than this creepy woman. LOL ;-)

Cheesy said...

I think Taitz was born in Oakland......

Matt-Man said...

Jay: You know what I find funny? My theory is just as realistic as the one the Birthers are putting out there. Thanks for the link. Cheers Jay!!

Cheesy: That would explain alot. Are you alone? ; )~~ Cheers Cheesy!!

Jay said...

Your theory is MORE realistic. Taitz is clearly KGB. I can't believe the internet tuff guys on those right wing blogs can't recognize that. Ronald Reagan taught them how to recognize KGB types. Really sad how they forgot their training like that. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

Jay: The right wing nuts have been hypnotized by a Soviet. How ironic that in addition to saying he wasn't born in the States they say he is a hammer and sickle Socialist.

Those sheep are following the real bearer of un-Christian Socialism. It's, The Invasion of the Body Snatchers all over. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

I figure the republicans would want to prove Obama was kenya-born.

Once they did...emergency legislation would have to be passed to allow foreign born citizens to be president.

And then...
they will nominate Arnold.

Starrlight said...

Is that really her? Jesus. I've heard of the Iron Curtain. Guess she is the Iron Meat Curtain.

Yikes.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: That would be ideal. Ahnold already has plenty of experience writing IOUs. He'd be a perfect fit for these times. Cheers!!

Starr: Yes, sadly, that's her. I sent her an email this morning that included a link to this post. I hope she can come by to play and/or debunk my theory. Cheers!!

Scott Oglesby said...

You have the mental dexterity to write a Clive Cussler novel; you’d do a lot better job than his son. Yea, I saw that wackjob on Colbert, she is hilarious! She reminds me of those Indian Doctor/Dentist/car salesman/janitors. They are not a lazy people! But that woman is either crazy or so money/notoriety hungry she will publically crazify herself, which is pretty damn crazy.

At the very least you could ghost write for a very dead Ludlum!!

Oh yea, Thank you, thank you!!

Micky-T said...

Thank you Matt-Man. Thank you for saving us from the evil godless Commie.
But don't the history books tell us that the Republic of Kenya wasn't even formed until December of 1964?

Dana said...

I'm getting sooooo tired of the Obama bashing. Yeah ... who'd have thunk those words would have come out of *my* mouth.

Now, don't read too mnuch into this - I was tired of the Bush bashing (*giggle* that sounds dirty) too!

Happy Birthday Mr. President!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I think Taitz and Glenn Beck would make an unstoppable comedy team. Oh the uproarious laughter that that duo would produce. I'd watch them evey chance that I got. And thanks, would you like to be my literary agent? Cheers!!

Micky: Ah-HA!! That's what you and most people do not realize. That is a ruse. Kenya was secretly declared a Republic in 1957 by the College of Cardinals. This web of deceit reaches into the Vatican, Baby!! Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha. I'd respond in a more profound way but I have to go trade-in my clunker for a new car. Cheers!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Oops, I forgot to tell you that blogrolled you.- Why does that sound like something that would make Jesus cry?
Also, I’ve course I’ll be your agent; I’m just sleazy enough!

Dana said...

Smartass ... My post isn't Obama bashing, it's POLICY bashing. You may feel the policy *is* the President, but you'd be wrong :D

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha. I meant to link you up as well, but of course I am a major league procrastinator. I'll make sure to do so. And thanks...I dig sleazy. Cheers!!

Dana: Ha. I wasn't saying that your post was Obama bashing. I was just giving you some fun loving shit. You know how I so enjoy doing that. Cheers!!

Lu' said...

Is she realted to Tammy Faye?

Happy Birthday Mr. President.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha. I thought the same thing. Enjoy the new car. Cheers Lu!!

David said...

Where oh where would we mere mortals be without your incredible sleuthing skills? Thown under the Soviet's proverbial bus, that's where.

Are you really an agent for the CIA just pretending to live in Bagwine? Or you at the NSA? I won't tell anyone, promise.

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: I am the unlnown Superfriend and usually spend my days hanging out at the Hall of Justice. That's all can say about that, but I can tell you this...

Aquaman is a one funny mo-foe and Wonder Woman an I joined the Mile High Club when we super-screwed in her invisible airplane last month. Cheers David!!

Dianne said...

thank you Matty

I think the confusion among the birthers started because they think Hawaii and Kenya are both in Africa and it has just snowballed since then

if only they could read

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Well, I understand their confusion. Mombasa and Honolulu have always given me fits. I can never remember which city is in Kenya and which is in Hawaii.

Why can't everyone just give their towns and villages American sounding names, dammit!? Cheers Sexy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...these people aren't "Birthers"; they're "Mirthers"...and they sure as hell make ME laugh...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: They are the Pied Pipers of Mirth amd Merriment, aren't they? I hope they hang around for months to come. Cheers P-Man!!

snugs said...

It amazes me that the birthers really believe that someone can be elected to the highest office in this country w/o proving citizenship. What I don't understand is why Obama won't just produce the proof and put this issue to bed.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Um...His birth certificate has been shown on TV and websites over and over. The State of Hawaii has said over and over that he was born there. His fucking birth announcement appeared in the Honolulu newspaper back in '61. What more do people need? Cheers!!

Dianne said...

Matty your mention of Mumbasa in your reply to me gave me a revelation (and an orgasm) - isn't Mumbasa a Disney character? so could that mean that Barack is really the bastard child of Walt? which would mean he was born in either Florida or CA.

I think I cracked the case!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: You may be onto something. As it has been reported by some, Walt Disney tried like hell to keep Jews out of Disney Studios.

Seeing how Obama is a terroristic, Jew-Hating, Islamo-Fascist there is certainly a connection there.

One other thing...Next time I give you an orgasm could you give me a call so I can listen and join in? Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Lu' said...

Oooh phone sex. Are we talking party line? I got Di hot with my car talk. She must be a bit H' right now. How 'bout it Dianne?

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ooooooo Baby...I'm UP for it. Cheers Lu!!

katherine. said...

ya know....Scott up there makes a good point.

while it would be a departure from these ruminations...the genre would suit you.

that November nano thing is coming up...

(what do you think Hillary is doing over there in kenya this week....I mean really...if I were her I'd be lookin' for the real certificate...smile)

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ya think? Me write a mystery/comspiracy novel? Interesting.

As for Hillary? If the Clinton machine couldn't find a forged Birth Certificate during the campaign, it doesn't exist. They are more ruthless than the CIA and the FBI.

Cheers Kat!!

Desert Rat said...

OMG! Can you imagine the possibilities if people would use their insanity for good instead of evil!?

Starrlight said...

The sad fact is Obama could take out full page adds on every newspaper in the land and it would not stop the cray zay from thinking what they want to think.

And that psycho bitch makes Tammy Fay look like a delicate flower.

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Ha. I may have to put that quote up on my sidebar. Let me know if that's okay. Cheers Rat!!

Starr: I think the bitch is HAWT. I bet underneath that coat is a pair of Russian boobs that need my vodka soaked to suck upon. Holy Cow!? Where did that come from? Cheers Starr!!

Lu' said...

I likened her eye make-up to Tammy Faye for the darkness and hugeness of the mascara. I also thought her eye make-up resembled a raccoon or the asshole of a very large wolf spider :) I don't know anything about the woman other than what Matty says. I'm just bustin hard on her make up.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Ha...I hate Wolf Spider assholes. A little mayo however takes the gaminess out of the taste. Cheers Lu!!

Lu' said...

When you fry them they taste a bit like fried calamari, you know all rubber-bandy ha ha ha! If you don't fry them the hair tickles the throat don't you think?

Matt-Man said...

Lu: I ate one one time and got a piece of web caught in my throat. It was annoying me for days. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

You can quote me anytime ;-D

Well, unless I say something really dumb ... maybe not then ... well, wait, yeah, you still could but you'd have to attribute it to Jay (ha ha! just kiddin' buddy!)

Lu' said...

You know if you take their web and bake it then dip it in candle wax it makes real good floss. Too stiff you might think, no no the heat of the was saftens the web once again ther by allowing for the pliability when cleaning your teeth. Their eyeballs make need beads for on jewlery too. They are good for so many things, just not modeling your eye make-up after :)

Bond said...

Where the hell is your birth certificate???

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Thank You...Stupid or not you'll get all the credit. Cheers!!

Lu: Here's to the Wolf Spider...A Multi-Faceted arachnid. Cheers!!

Bond: I never claimed to have had one. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

Real Estate Agent, Lawyer AND Dentist... She must really like causing people pain.

Starrlight said...

True that, Marilyn. The only thing missing is proctologist.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. I wish she'd go sue herself for malpractice. Cheers Marilyn!!

Starr: Here's to Orly...All that and beauty too. Cheers!!

Andy said...

In the words of the Billy "700 WLW" Cunningham - Matt, you are a true American!

Matt-Man said...

Andy: Maybe if he only read this post. If he reads my true political feelings he would call me a Liberal nut. Cheers Andy!!

Cheesy said...

YES I AM... where the hell are you???

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: I have been temporarily detained by government officials. My abscence is unavoidable. Cheers Cheesy!!