Lighten Up Birthers...We're Having a Royal Wedding House Party!!

It’s Thursday Chuckleheads, and as I am off until Sunday, these next three days are a-gunna be HUGE!!

Not so much to entertain you, but in order for me not to forget what is going on, I shall publish my itinerary for the next three days.

Thursday:

It’s Taxi Day for me. I take Schmoop to work at 6:40 and then head to Ryno’s house and have him at school around 7:45. I shall then return back to the Bagwine digs.

I’m about due for a phone call from Richard, The Crazy Cat Man of Columbus, so that’ll be around 9:30 to 10:15.

It is at that point, I will enter TCD mode…Thinking, Cleaning, Drinking.

You see, I need to think because Jayman and I are doing a special Thursday night edition of I’m with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio surrounding the scandalous distribution of President’s Obama’s obviously forged birth certificate, or…

Is it a case that Donald Trump and birthers are merely dimwits from another planet posing as actual human beings?

Jayman and I will get to the bottom of that Thursday night at 11 PM EDT. Anyhoo…

I have to begin cleaning the Bagwine digs as well in case The Trio of Whores from Babylon make it to Bagwine on Saturday in time for the IWS show that will air on Saturday at Noon EDT, and personally visit the Bagwine digs. More on that later.

Later…

I will p/u Ryno from school and take him home, and then pick up Schmoop from work and head home.

After several beers and a hamburger based concoction, I will take a pre-show nap, she will go to bed, and then I’ll do the IWS Birther Show at 11 PM EDT.

Friday:

After a late night Thursday, I have to be up at 4 AM Friday so I can tune into the Royal Wedding coverage. Why you ask? Because Jay and I will be doing our Royal Wedding/House Party IWS show Saturday at Noon EDT.

We don’t do shows willy-nilly; we research our topics thoroughly, so I will be fixed to the Royal nuptials. Being a revered internet radio professional is not as easy nor as glamorous as it seems.

I’ll do more cleaning Friday as well, show prep, and hopefully when Schmoop gets home from work, we’ll have sex at some point, but I’ll have to hold back just a little from my usual powers of pleasure in order to save some back for Saturday.

Saturday:

Wake up early, double check the cleanliness of the apartment, and then prepare my mind for our Saturday show.

I will be anxious at the same time as I will also be awaiting the arrival of The Whores of Babylon namely, Bubblewench, Sybil, and of course, Chrissy Slut.

I have never met this trio, and while they are hot, they could very well be women who mirror the personality existing within the character portrayed by Kathy Bates in the movie, Misery.

Anyhoo, either during or sometime after the show, this fun and unholy trio will arrive in Bagwine, and the debauchery shall begin and go late into the night/early morning.

So there you have it folks, my next three days. It should be busty busy and in all likelihood, quite fun and full of incriminating pictures, however…

As I mentioned that I am unsure of the mental state of our visitors, if you don’t hear from Schmoop or I come Sunday morning, please contact the authorities and inquire as to our whereabouts.

Cheers!!

Note: To access our IWS Radio page for show info and to participate in our Thursday and Saturday shows, click HERE.

Beck, Maddow, Hannity, and Followers Thereof...The Speleology Coalition Is Going To Stick The Stalagmite of Common Sense Up Your Ass

Over the past few days and weeks, I have been taking shots at Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Tea Party protestors, and those who watch them in order to determine what they should think.

I announced on Thursday September 10th, that I had had enough with these dullards and was determined to form an effective third political party.

My desire was to form a group that could counteract the stupidity that flows from the minds and mouths of the aforementioned morons.

I am still in the process of putting this idea into an entity of tangibility, but I have made progress. I have come up with the name of this political movement, and our basic purpose…

The Speleology Coalition.

“Matt-Man,” you ask, “what the hell is speleology?”

Speleology is the study of caves…and why have I named this movement after the study of caves?

Sure, some of you who have known me for awhile, may think it refers to a perverted desire of mine to be a caveman who engages in sex with hot Neanderthal chicks who, instead of having language capabilities and the ability to talk back, can only grunt.

As appealing as it would be to have sex with a chick who is unable complain, that is not the reason.

No my friends (and critics), my reason for choosing, The Speleology Coalition refers to the Allegory of the Cave set forth by Plato in Book VII of his epic work, The Republic.

No, I have not lost my mind, so stay with me…

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato, who is writing in the persona of Socrates, describes a hypothetical situation in which people since childhood have been held prisoner in a cave.

Their arms and legs shackled; their heads stationary, gazing at a wall, they are forced to watch shadows of animals, humans and other material things being cast upon the cave wall through the cooperation of a blazing fire and people walking behind them.

To the prisoners, the shadows and accompanying noises and voices they hear, are to them, what comprises the “real world”.

To the incarcerated, the beclouded specters and muddled voices combine in concert to compose what is the, Symphony of the Real World in B Flat.

In 2009, Plato’s Cave Allegory is being put into practice. Millions of Americans are shackled to their couches watching the shadows of ignorance and unyielding ideology being played out on TV, while in the caves of their homes.

Millions more hear the muddled voices while in their cars as they listen to talk radio.

They are prisoners to a marionette show put on by self-aggrandizing, puffed up puppet masters who are pulling the strings of fear, intellectual incapacity, and herd mentality.

This modern day, cave staged, Punch and Judy show, and the ensuing, go along-get along attitude towards it from the audience, is what feeds the lack of non-thinking realism to many, and gives this movement its purpose.

It is up to us as members of this organization to lead prisoners from their cave of shadows and fear.

It’s time to let the light of common sense and heated, yet respectful debate between those who agree and disagree, shine as a rainbow of humanity's evolution through the prism of informed personal discernment and social debate.

The 21st Century cave dwellers of whom I speak, need to realize something, and realize it quickly, lest we all lose...

In the words of Plato’s fellow Greek, Plutarch:

“I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.”

Glenn Beck, Rachel Maddow, Birthers, Truthers, Tea Baggers, et al., have become shadows of each other. A shadow does not think for itself. It follows blindly. But…

When light is shone from a point that has no angle one way or the other, and is straight up, a shadow dissipates, and a person is left with only him or herself.

It is at that point when actions and thoughts are the sole responsibility of the person in question.

It is also at that point, that no matter how painful and unfamiliar that intellectual soliloquy may be, a person must think for him or herself, and climb out of the cave.

Shining that light and being a catalyst for others in order to make that metamorphosis happen, is the purpose of this movement.

And for his wisdom, which is as ancient as the scorpion, I thank Plato.

However...

Unlike Plato, I am not calling for Philosopher Kings. I am calling for Philosopher Citizens.

I hope you join The Speleology Coalition and along with me, become a Spelunker.

Cheers!!

Birthers, Taitz, and Obama...Matt-Man Saves America

Just in time for President Obama’s birthday today, those wacky Birthers who don’t believe that Obama was born in the United States have some post-natal proof that is going around the internets.

The proof? A picture of Obama’s real birth certificate showing that he was born in Kenya. Damn straight bitches…

August 4, 1961 our President was born in Mombasa, Kenya.

Led by a nut job lawyer named Orly Taitz…oh excuse me, Dr. Orly Taitz, the birthers will take Obama all the way to the Supreme Court and stick the knife of truth into him.

Seriously, this Taitz chick, who claims to be a lawyer, dentist, and real estate agent was born in Russia.

I’m thinking that she wasn’t just born in the Russia…Taitz was born in the Soviet Union.

And the plot thickens…

If Taitz was born in the Soviet Union, that makes her one of them there God Damn Commies!! Uh huh…I just went there. And my friends, this is where it gets really interesting.

Obama’s parents birthed him in Kenya and had him magically transported to Hawaii on the same day so he could grow up to be elected President of the United States 47 years later. The KGB caught wind of this scheme.

Led by an 8 year old Vladimir Putin, the Soviet KGB did a little scheming themselves and created one, Dr. Orly Taitz who would later be integral to their plan of world domination. But first, there was groundwork to be laid.

During the late eighties and early nineties to add realism to their future plans, the Soviets would make it appear that their iron-fisted, Communist country had collapsed and broken into free, autonomous countries.

The young Taitz would grow up, immigrate to the United States some years later and produce the goods on the Obama conspiracy after his election. This of course, would throw our country into chaos and a Constitutional crisis.

With America reeling from these events, the former Soviet Republics would once again coalesce into their former souless, totalitarian state and smash our nation into tiny, tiny pieces.

Those fucking Soviets are some clever sunzabitches. But…they didn’t plan on the Matt-Man being around to expose their diabolical plan.

Wake Up America!!

So what if Obama spent a couple of his nascent hours in Mombasa? His parents had the foresight to use time travel in order to get him the hell to Hawaii, and later become our President.

Would you rather be governed by Obama, a guy who was born in Kenya, or ruled by Putin…

An evil, godless Commie who is constantly flying over Sarah Palin’s house in a MiG-29 while wearing a Speedo?

I thought so…Instead of getting behind the pod-people Birthers and Orly the Soviet Operative, get behind the Matt-Man, and as you line-up behind me, I’d like to hear you say…

“Thank You. Thank You, Matt-Man for saving The United States of America.”

You’re Welcome.

Happy Birthday Mr. Kenyan-Born President, and…

Cheers!!

Positive Day in the Blogosphere...Yeah, Right.

Positive Day in the Blogosphere?…The Glass is Half Full Day…?

Really?

I guess today, bloggers around the world are supposed to post something positive. Being ordered to do so puts a HIV-Positive scorpion up my crawl. So, am I going to post something positive?

I'll answer that question using a phrase and movie reference from Seinfeld…

Prognosis Negative!!

In fact, let me paraphrase George Costanza from the aforementioned Seinfeld show and say...

“Everybody’s doing something positive, we’ll do something negative.”

Indulge me if you will…an opportunity to list some things that tick me off. The list thusly follows…

*Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, and Keith Olbermann. Both right and left wing ideologues put a pain in my ass greater than if a curved, stainless steel plumber’s pipe had been shoved up my ass…and twisted until it fit.

*Sarah Palin. Actually, I am more ticked off by people who think she would make a good President. She’s a phony. She’s intellectually uncurious. She’s an Eskimo-ron.

*People who do not and never will know how to safely and successfully merge onto a highway. It says YIELD not STOP, and you should not cut the merge lane short!!

*Birther Conspiracists…people who think Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii. Hey all ya right wing nuts who see helicopters circling over your house, he’s an American. I’m sorry that he’s also a "nigger" who is an Islamo-Fascist terrorist.

Maybe if Jesus came back, he could be our President. Nope, sorry…he was born in Judea. Which of course, since you are imbeciles and don’t know where that is, it’s modern day Palestine…or…Israel...or something.

*Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh. It’s fine to be a guy who wants to earn ratings and money, but seriously…Do you have to be people who call Obama a racist and an “angry black man”? Argue Obama’s policies; not his skin color. Of course, you might have to actually think to do that. So, nevermind.

*Chicks who leave the toilet seat down. I need it up. It ain't all about you, Bitches.

*Women (mainly) with six kids in a van who go to a Drive-Thru of any type and once they get there ask, “Gee kids, what do you want?” Either decide before you get there or TELL the damn rug rats what they want. There are people behind you who are either starving and/or dying of thirst!!

Oh, there are many more, but I do not want to burden you with negative things on such a positive karma kinda day.

In fact, before I leave, I want you to know that in honor of this day of positivity, I am going to hook up with Dick Cheney, toss a few back with him, and then we are going to go roll some drunk, crippled homeless people.

I’ll shoot video.

Cheers!!