Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Brett Favre Signs With The Vikings...Evidently, Retirement Is a Full-Time Job

Hey guys, guess what!?

Brett Favre is going to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this year. No, seriously. He came out of retirement…again. And why not?

One year, 12 Million Dollars for the 2009-10 NFL season. Brett-Boy will get 13 million in the 2010-11 season if he plays.

Hell, maybe the Vikings will even give Favre a bonus of a few million after this season if he decides to come out of this year’s post-season retirement prior to next year’s training camp.

What the hell? I mean, sure, that’s quite a bit of cash, but isn’t dignity and being taken seriously worth something...?

Especially when he already has all of the cash that he and his family will ever need?

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

I am all for someone working at what they love as long as they want, but Jeebus Christ…In my view, Favre has become a joke with his, “I’m retired. I’m un-retired.” bullshit. Nora Desmond was less dramatic than Favre.

Poor Brett…The Green Bay Packers after years of quality service, traded him to the New York Jets last year instead of kissing his pretentious, “retired” ass, but c’mon Brett get over it.

I understand that playing for the Vikings offers you the opportunity to stick it to the Packers twice this year, but is it worth it? It isn’t for me, but of course, you owe me nothing.

However, I will say this. I enjoy watching old clips of Willie Mays in his, “Say Hey Kid” days playing for the Giants, not wandering around as a doddering old man playing for the Mets.

I like to remember Johnny Unitas in his Baltimore Colts uniform throwing a perfect spiral to Raymond Berry or handing off to Lenny Moore…not as a past his prime quarterback getting beaten up as a San Diego Charger.

I like to remember porn star Ron Jeremy banging Seka back in the day when his dick was bigger than his ginormous gut.

Brett…get over yourself. And now, something lighter…

Some Happy Birthday Wishes!!

First up, my longtime friend, Sherri.

Good OLD Sherri turns 45 today. She was my first true love, and I was her first sex partner.

Sherri owes her great sex life to me, because after having sex with me, every subsequent guy she has ever gotten biblical with has seemed incredibly good in the sack.

You’re welcome, Sherri…and Happy Birthday!!

A Happy Birthday also goes out to Schmoop’s brother, and my friend…David.

Dave is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s rude, crude, and never minces his words.

However, he is also one of the kindest guys I have ever met, and would do anything for anyone…if the “anyone” is someone who isn't an asshole.

Happy Birthday David!! Maybe your “other” sister will show up with a Happy Meal or a coloring book for ya, but for the record, I dig ya.

Have a wonderful Hump Day all. I hope you spend it tipping a few for Sherri and Dave and wiping your ass with an old issue of Sports Illustrated that has Brett Favre on the cover.



Jay said...

Maybe we could all chip and create a bounty for anyone who can take out Favre the way Bernard Pollard took out Tom Brady last year? I'd throw in $5 for that!

Happy Birthday to Sherri and David!

Starrlight said...

I hope Rose makes it to the BHoF before Farve lands in Canton. What a narcissistic douchebag.

Scott Oglesby said...

These are not the actions of a sane, rational man. I honestly believe that either he is back on the opiates, or is deep into the pocket of the mafia. I’m not even kidding. The easiest ‘fixer’ is a quarterback. There has to me more to this. MJ was a circus clown for coming back. Favre is turning into a freak show. The amazing bearded clam boy!

Very happy birthdays to Sherri and Dave. Salute!!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I'm in for 5 as well. But instead of hit to the knee, how about infecting him with chronic food poisoning. Him having no control over his bodily functions would be fun. Cheers Jay!!

Starr: He is a priam donna, ain't he? Cheers to ya!!

Scott: The Amzing Bearded Clam Boy. Ha. I like that. Cheers Scott!!

Micky-T said...

Happy Birthday Dave and Sherri.

Maybe that Farve guy got the All American superstar greedy bug.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I don't think it's the money. I just think for whatever reason(s) he just can't give it up, and that perhaps, he has a small dick. Trust me, I know the signs. Cheers Mick!!

Andy said...

Seka - I'm having a flashback!
Farve - what a joke. After this, he could do Dancing with the Stars!

Matt-Man said...

Andy: I was more of a Rene Bond kinda guy. She had really perky boobies. Maybe Favre will do DWTS. Maybe he won't. He'll teeeeease us as to his deicsion to dance with the likes of Tom DeLay. Cheers Anj!!

Micky-T said...

You know, maybe you should post a map on your sidebar of the Beer Mines location in reference to the highway so that any passer-by bloggers will see how easy it would be to visit.

No one in particular of course.
(arms up sheilding face looking in the direction of Pensylvania)

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Indeed I should. That BIG STAR that shows up on Mapquest would do the trick wouldn't it? I tell could mean how could anyone travelling through Bagwine not stop? Cheers Mick!!

Dianne said...

Happy Birthday Sherri and David - they're both very hot ;)

Brett is a schmuck, and as you mentioned, probably has a small one

I wonder if he's addicted to retirement parties?

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. Yeah, maybe he likes adding to his gold watch collection.

Sherri and Dave are both hot and I have had sex with both of them. Not at the same time, though. Just don't tell Schmoop that I have hosed her brother. Cheers Sexy!!

Schmoop said...

Consider me told! Happy Birthday D!!! Also, Favre is an effin joke.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: I hope you still love me. At least I kept my cheating within the family. Cheers and Zoves!!

Lu' said...

Happy Birthday Sherri. Happy Birthday Dave.

I think I'll tip a few because wiping my ass with any magazine doesn't sound pleasurable at all. Let no glossy mass media publication touch this ass crack I always say :)

Lu' said...

Goshkk, to not stop when in the area, maybe they suck or maybe they just acquiesce.

Bond said...

sheesh dude....his daughter told him that she was sad he retired because she wanted him to win one more ring

the guy came back for his daughter...if ryno asked you, you would unretire from your job as a fluffer in pornos, you know you would.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Yeah, those glossies can be rough on one's crack. And I don't think the person who didn't stop, the person just needed to speak up. But, it's understandable. Cheers Lu!!

Bond: Ha. Yeah, I saw video of that, "Daddy I want you to play" explanation". That may have been the most disturbing thing of this event. And for the record, I only get women ready for porn flicks, therefore I am not a fluffer; I am a humidifier. Cheers!!

Dana said...

According to Sports Illustrated, 3 out of 4 NFL players will be bankrupt within three years of retiring. Maybe Favre is just trying to save up for his bankruptcy filing fees?

Matt-Man said...

Dana: And the average career lasts like three years...I don't think Bridget Favre falls into any of those statistics. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

eh...I know teachers and engineers and salesmen who try and retire...and just can't do it...they go back to work in one way or another.

While Favre has become a total joke...apparently he brings in enough fans to make it worth the $12 mil. It is a business afterall.

I think most people who are bent out of shape about his return are pissy he gets money they don't. As if his retiring or signing makes any difference to them AT ALL.

Starrlight said...

I'm not pissy about the money he makes. I wouldn't even be pissy about him coming out of retirement.

But his back and forth, holding press conferences to announce he is done, all the drama LAST season, and now this? He's turned this is to the football equivalent of a cocktease routine. It really finishes out his football career on an off note. It screams "I need the spotlight" way more than "I need the money." I just don't think he can handle not being ***BRETT FARVE***

And signing with GB division rivals? Just tacky. Business or not, I guess I still prefer the days when there was some honor and dignity in professional sports.

katherine. said...

starr...I don't think you are pissy about Farve making another 12 million. I wasn't speaking to your comment.

You are totally spot on about him being narcissistic... and needing the spotlight. And yeah...signing with GB arch rivals was a shabby twist on YET ANOTHER comeback.

What's been annoying me lately...(again not from you) this undercurrent for ANY person who makes a great deal of money. Corporate star...rock band...professional athlete.

It's people who are righteously indignant (bent and pissy) about six or seven figure salaries.

As if that salary should or would be put into a pool or money that would be distributed to others.

Or that just because they have no ability or talent to make six or seven figures....those that do shouldn't be allowed to.

In this specific example...if Minnesota fans want to shell out $50 or $75 or hell....$1000 to see the old, spoiled, joke of a quarterback play....and the people who OWN the team want to pay him millions of dollars...why do other people care?

Why do people think they can dictate what other people spend their money on????

Matt-Man said...

Starr: No, there is no dignity left. Well, not a whole lot anyway. Cheers!!

Kat: I agree with everything you said, except for one thing...I want to be able to dictate to people that they have to spend at least some of their money on me. Cheers Kat!!

Micky-T said...

It's not the 6 or 7 digit salary that some of these players get that bothers ME, it's the REASON they get that absurd amount of money for a job that used to be played in this country, just "for the game", a fun way to make a living. Now because of large corporations and advertising dollars it's more of a "dream to get rich" way to make a living.
It's just gotten ALL WRONG. It's all about the $$$$$.
Fuck thy neighbor, let'm starve!

katherine. said...

I agree many professional athletes are into the game for the money...but I was involved in high school football for about twelve years and only one of those kids was in it for a career. I was around D1 and D2 football for five years. Only three of those kids ever went pro. And they LOVE the game...and have fun and enjoy their occupation.

If my son was good enough to play pro ball I would hope he would negotiate for as much as he can....while he was doing what was really fun.

I spend my personal time and my personal money with our local second harvest food bank. It is my CHOICE to do so.

But if the large corporations didn't spend those huge advertising dollars on the you think they would give that money to the hungry? Or do you think the money should be taken from them and given to the hungry?

Starrlight said...

I agree with you, Kat. I think people get angry at rock stars, actors and pro sports players because they are the easy target for the justifiable anger people feel for the fact that we pay these entertainers far more than we do, firemen, police, teachers, nurses and the military personnel because that is where our priorities are as a country.

If we didn't buy that box of Wheaties with Uber_Athlete_01 on it things might be different. But we are a media and consumer driven society.

Micky-T said...

No, I don't think they should do anything that their uncomfortable with. If their comfortable giving pennys to the food bank for PR who am I to say that's wrong. My gut, is that capitalism has worked, but we've crossed a border that few in high positions want to face. They don't want to get uncomfortable.

Marilyn said...

I think the first part of the post was about sports so I just want to wish the birthday folks a happy birthday. May all your coloring books feature anatomically correct, clothing deprived individuals.

Hoot Gibson said...

Well Ol' Brett is a sorry self loving asshole, that is for sure Matt. Seems you 2 have something in common after all.