Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Packers, Bears, Jets, Steelers...and Lions, Oh My!!

Another sunny, but cold Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio but the cold is no big deal because many Americans will be huddled around their TVs.

The NFC and AFC Football Championships will be taking place today.

In the first game, the Aaron Rodgers led Cheeseheads from Green Bay will invade Chicago’s Soldier Field and tangle with the Monsters of the Midway led by Jay Cutler.

In the late game, Jimmy Hoffa and the New Jersey Jets will plow westward in order to do battle with the Pittsburgh Steelers led by Troy Polamalu’s hair and Big Ben Roethlisberger’s dork.

It should be a fun-filled day full of drinking, trash talking, and hard hitting action, and that is just from the domestic violence that will be taking place across the country.

The games themselves should be just as exciting.

I have no idea why, but I am picking the Jets and the Packers to prevail today. I just feel that they are playing their best football of the season at the right time.

I’ll be taking in the first game on the road with others, and watch the second game within the friendly confines of the Bagwine digs. Should be a wonderful day.

In other sports news…

My son Ryno (Number 22) and the ECA Lions took on the Ohio Division IV seventh ranked Irish of Springfield Catholic Central. There were pre-game rumors of a blowout in the makings by the Irish.

It was anything but…

After trailing by 13 at the end of the third quarter, the Lions roared back and with 29.4 seconds left, Ryno drained his third three pointer of the night to bring them within 4.

Alas, time was on the side of the Irish and they held on for a 59-58 victory over the Lions. And with that I give you the box score:

EMMANUEL CHRISTIAN (58) — R. Mahoney 3 0-0 9, J. Klawer 2 0-1 5, K. Stewart 2 4-4 9, J. Reep 3 1-2 9, A. Stumpf 2 0-0 4, M. Scott 7 6-10 22. Totals: 19 11-17 58.

CATHOLIC CENTRAL (59) — J. Aldridge 6 2-3 14, H. Hagerman 4 2-2 12, C. Timmons 2 0-0 4, C. Latham 6 1-4 13, R. Rankin 1 0-1 2, A. Chase 2 0-0 4, M. Ellis 4 2-6 10. Totals: 25 7-16 59.

3-pointers: Emmanuel 8 (R. Mahoney 3, J. Klawer 1, J. Reep 2, M. Scott 2). Central 2 (J. Aldridge 2).

In spite of the loss, it was a somewhat sloppy but exciting game, and it was exciting to watch the R-Man go 3-5 from 3 point land. Here’s to the Lions who held their own against one of the best Division IV HS Basketball teams in the state.

Amen, and Amen…

Enjoy the games and the lilting wailing of police sirens as they respond to the domestic violence calls.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Koran Burning and Pigskin

It’s going to be a bee-yoo-tee-ful Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Partly cloudy and 76 degrees. Ahhhh, kind of a mix between Fall and Summer. I deem today to be the beginning of Fummer.

And you know what else begins today…That’s right, the NFL season. Boooo-Yah!!

Okay it really began Thursday, but that was only one game, and Brett Favre played in that game…

And since the old fucking prima donna who throws more interceptions than he does grow whiskers never really practiced with the Vikings during the pre-season, it was like a pre-season game so it doesn’t really count.

Speaking of football…Notre Dame lost to Michigan yesterday 28-24, but I wasn’t completely sorrowful.

At least Notre Dame didn’t completely suck, and it looks as though they may not be embarrassingly awful this year.

On the downside of things, Schmoop’s uterus is up to its monthly hijinx. All shedding the lining, discharging unfertilized eggs, and what not.

So, Matty-Boy ain’t havin’ sex anytime soon. Well, at least not with an actual person. Bummer. Oh well, as I mentioned, there’s always football to watch.

It will be enjoyable swilling some beer and tossin’ back some snacks while the Fummer air circulates through the digs while football is on, and Schmoop is doubled over in pain and drooling.

It has all the making of a Norman Rockwell painting titled: Fummer Comes to Bagwine.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sund---

Oh Hell, wait just a minute sports fans…there’s one other thing taking place today as well.

Jayman and I will be doing our Blog Talk Radio Show, I’m With Stupid, today at 11 AM EDT.

If you’re not going to church today, tune into us, listen, and by God, call in!!

We’re going to be talking about Koran burning, pigskin, Pastor Terry Jones, and pulled pork sammiches.

It promises to be more fun than screwing 72 virgins on the 50 yard line of the Superdome.

Here’s the link to the Show Page, creatively titled: Link to the Show Page!!

Have a wonderful Sunday all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Our show has beem rescheduled for 1 PM EDT. Listen in Bitches...or not!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Third and Long With Time Running Out

Another cold Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio and I’ll be working 11-7. Lord, shelter my balls from the frost.

In your name we pray, Amen…

I was watching Dallas play Philadelphia in the NFL playoffs Saturday night after work. I discovered something about myself while watching…

I really don’t give a shit about the playoffs or even the Super Bowl. I was pondering this epiphany, mainly asking myself, “Why do I feel this way?”

I still like watching football in general, but it just doesn’t get me excited like it used to. Hell for the most part, I had the Cowboys/Eagles game on just for background noise while I fiddled on the computer.

Is my ambivalence toward football because players today make obscene amounts of money? No. If a team owner is going to pay a guy who can catch a football more money than God to do so, I say get all you can while you can.

Do I think the NFL is full of thugs, prima donnas and assholes?

Sure, but no more than any other profession or walk of life. We just hear more about the assholes in the NFL because they’re famous and it makes for good TV.

So, I don’t think that’s it.

Perhaps it’s because my favorite team isn’t in the playoffs and has no chance of going to Super Bowl XLIV. That can’t be it, because I don’t really have a favorite team.

Hey, maybe that’s why I have become so blah about football.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have a favorite team. Not having a favorite team offers me nothing to root for…to hope for…and with which to experience the joy of victory and the agony of defeat.

Nahhhhh. I know too many fanatic followers of sports teams in general, and I know I don’t want to be like them.

You know the type…

Cries over a loss. Yells for the coach’s head. Lives vicariously through and believes him or herself to be part of the team by saying things like, “We won big today.” or “Our defense didn’t bring the A-game today.”

Nope…I don’t want to be like that, so not having a favorite team is not the reason for the lost luster between football and I.

Maybe it’s just simply that what gets me excited these days has changed. It probably is that simple.

Come February 7th, I’ll probably watch a good deal of Super Bowl XLIV no matter who plays, and may even celebrate a little bit.

Of course, most of the celebrating won’t be Super Bowl related, it will be due to the fact that I turn 45 on February 7th as well.

And perhaps, just perhaps…as I turn 45, watching others take the field and score touchdowns no longer does it for me.

At 45, I feel the need to suit up, take the field, and score a few touchdowns myself.

While I still can.

Cheers!!

Brett Favre Signs With The Vikings...Evidently, Retirement Is a Full-Time Job

Hey guys, guess what!?

Brett Favre is going to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this year. No, seriously. He came out of retirement…again. And why not?

One year, 12 Million Dollars for the 2009-10 NFL season. Brett-Boy will get 13 million in the 2010-11 season if he plays.

Hell, maybe the Vikings will even give Favre a bonus of a few million after this season if he decides to come out of this year’s post-season retirement prior to next year’s training camp.

What the hell? I mean, sure, that’s quite a bit of cash, but isn’t dignity and being taken seriously worth something...?

Especially when he already has all of the cash that he and his family will ever need?

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

I am all for someone working at what they love as long as they want, but Jeebus Christ…In my view, Favre has become a joke with his, “I’m retired. I’m un-retired.” bullshit. Nora Desmond was less dramatic than Favre.

Poor Brett…The Green Bay Packers after years of quality service, traded him to the New York Jets last year instead of kissing his pretentious, “retired” ass, but c’mon Brett get over it.

I understand that playing for the Vikings offers you the opportunity to stick it to the Packers twice this year, but is it worth it? It isn’t for me, but of course, you owe me nothing.

However, I will say this. I enjoy watching old clips of Willie Mays in his, “Say Hey Kid” days playing for the Giants, not wandering around as a doddering old man playing for the Mets.

I like to remember Johnny Unitas in his Baltimore Colts uniform throwing a perfect spiral to Raymond Berry or handing off to Lenny Moore…not as a past his prime quarterback getting beaten up as a San Diego Charger.

I like to remember porn star Ron Jeremy banging Seka back in the day when his dick was bigger than his ginormous gut.

Brett…get over yourself. And now, something lighter…

Some Happy Birthday Wishes!!

First up, my longtime friend, Sherri.

Good OLD Sherri turns 45 today. She was my first true love, and I was her first sex partner.

Sherri owes her great sex life to me, because after having sex with me, every subsequent guy she has ever gotten biblical with has seemed incredibly good in the sack.

You’re welcome, Sherri…and Happy Birthday!!

A Happy Birthday also goes out to Schmoop’s brother, and my friend…David.

Dave is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s rude, crude, and never minces his words.

However, he is also one of the kindest guys I have ever met, and would do anything for anyone…if the “anyone” is someone who isn't an asshole.

Happy Birthday David!! Maybe your “other” sister will show up with a Happy Meal or a coloring book for ya, but for the record, I dig ya.

Have a wonderful Hump Day all. I hope you spend it tipping a few for Sherri and Dave and wiping your ass with an old issue of Sports Illustrated that has Brett Favre on the cover.

Cheers!!

Michael Vick: PETA Can Suck My Cock…or Rooster, or Falcon, If That Would Make Them Feel Better

Michael Vick, the former Quarterback of the Atlanta Falcons is trying to find a job…a job that he is, if he gets himself back into shape after a long layoff, eminently qualified.

As a Quarterback, he is not the greatest of All-Time, but he is dynamic, exciting, and he has made and probably could still make some football magic happen.

Alas, he got involved in a utterly horrible situation that involved dog fighting…a situation that involved betting, Auschwitz-Type treatment of dogs, and no concern for anything but himself.

It was not good.

However, Vick has served his twenty-three months in prison. He has lost everything.

He wants a chance to recoup some of his lost finances and dignity by playing once again in the National Football League.

The NFL, thanks to Commissioner Roger Goodell, seems to want to allow this to happen.

However, a certain group, close to my soul, but not in a good way, wants to prevent this.

Of what group do I speak? PETA!! People For The Ethical Treatment of Animals!! They can suck it…and, for a couple of different reasons.

PETA, in spite of Vick spending nearly two years in prison, losing millions of dollars and his reputation, want him to undergo psychological testing prior to being reinstated. WTF?

I heard some turkey necked, pigeon-headed motherfucker from PETA say on the Ed Show on MSNBC last night that Vick needs to be tested, and may even need some type of “brain scan”. Ha. I checked…it is the official position of PETA.

Here is a group of well-intentioned but slug nutty morons wanting some kind of Vulcan Mind-Meld done on a free man. They can bite my kippers, suck my snake, and lick my oysters. It’s Bullshit.

I’ll tell ya…

If Vick was a man (or woman) found guilty of this, and was trying to get his/her job back as a meter reader, fast food worker, or plumber, there would be no official statement from PETA. They wouldn’t care.

And why is that?

Because drawing attention to those types of folks doesn’t raise money.

However, if Vick is reinstated to play football and hitches up with a team, PETA can boycott and demonstrate in front of at least 16 well attended events a year, some of which may be nationally televised.

Listen folks, I believe in redemption. I believe in a second chance. I believe in the moral of the story of Job. Vick has done his time.

The only thing that PETA believes, is that people are vessels placed on Earth in order to hurt dogs, baby seals, and Sea Kittens.

Well there is one other thing in which they believe…

They secretly do want Vick reinstated because if he is, they can protest him for 16 weeks every football season and raise some serious cash.

I find this not only funny, but ironic. You see, PETA needs to raise cash in order to continue, but from whom will they raise that cash?

Sand Dollars...?

Nope, from the creatures they hate the most…humans. Ironic, no?

Cheers!!

Addendum: Tomorrow I will respond to Kat's comment from yesterday that said I Christian bash too often. Please join me, The Almighty, Jeebus, and our Special Guest, Micah for that one. Amen.

Hey, Brent Musburger!!? If I Want Pussy, I'll Go to John Madden!!

I have a Fantasy Football team in Jay’s League.

They suck. Even though I am one of the highest point scoring teams in the league, I have managed to be 1-3 at this point.

In a word, abysmal.

So, I was thinking…How about starting my own Fantasy Football League?

One where the football, instead of “pigskin” is made of cat skin, and will now be called, a “Pussy.”

And…

Where the touchdown, is now referred to as, a “Blowjob.”

In my world, this would be much better…

Just think of the scintillating and titillating commentary we would have while listening to Mayonnaise Mouth John Madden, when the football is now called a “pussy” and the touchdown is now called a “blowjob.”

I can hear Madden saying, “The key to this game comes down to which team controls the line of scrimmage and doesn’t turnover the pussy.”

Of course, weather always plays a factor when playing in the National Pussy League. Madden might speak this gem on some December Sunday when the Colts are playing the Bills in Buffalo…

“Y’know folks, you are going to be seeing Peyton Manning wiping his hands on center, Jeff Saturday’s ass all day, because with this heavy snow that is going to be one, wet pussy. You don’t want to fumble the pussy when it gets snapped.”

Madden would continue...

“If you spend sixty minutes dropping a wet pussy, you aren’t going to score too many blowjobs.”

The kicking game plays a major role in some games…Your views, Mr. Madden?

“When I coached the Raiders, I had the privilege of coaching the greatest punter ever, Ray Guy. He could boot that pussy 80 yards. He could really make that pussy scream when he put his whole foot into it.”

Even the “Red Zone” (when a team is inside the opponent’s 20 yard line) would take on a new meaning. Eh, John?

“The Bengals offense has fumbled seven times this year within the Red Zone. It’s almost as if when they encounter the Red Zone, they want nothing to do with the pussy. That really cuts down on their chances of getting a blowjob.”

I bet a fantastic catch would sound great with these new definitions, eh John?

“Did you see that, folks? Romo threw the pussy from midfield and Terrell Owens caught it on the run, bobbled the pussy twice, pinned it against his face, and then did a forward somersault into the end zone for the most spectacular blowjob I have ever seen...

That’s what pussy is all about, sports fans!!

It's acrobatic blowjobs like that, that remind me why I wanted to get into pussy in the first place.”

I like my idea, but with one MAJOR, non-negotiable caveat…

Thinking of Madden saying this crap is creepy enough, but I DO NOT want my word change applied to the college game, because if I ever hear Brent Musburger utter the words, “pussy” or “blowjob”, I will forever avoid sex.

Have a great Monday, all.

Cheers!!