Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Government Run Health Care: Public Option or Co-Op? Neither...

When it comes to formulating a Government Run Health Care Plan and reforming the health care system itself, it seems as though no one can agree.

It’s a policy battle that is pitting Democrat against Republican. Liberal against Conservative. Idiot against Moron.

Foaming at the mouth, geriatric protestors are shouting down any idea that they feel will take something away from them.

Some are loudly bemoaning the idea of others getting something for nothing, and somehow in this health care discussion the names and words, “Hitler, Stalin, Fascist, Nazi”, have managed to work their way into the mix.

I realize that during WWII, monocle wearing German doctors clad in brown medical coats and jack boots would lobotomize Jews and replace the cranial vacuum with monkey brains, but I doubt that this is what anyone has in mind when it comes to health care.

Of course, try telling that to the maniacal, protesting, “No Death Panel” crowd…I doubt that you‘ll change their minds.

Anyhoo…

I have sat on the sidelines far too long and watched. I feel compelled to chime in and offer a solution to this crisis.

My plan tackles the issue of the cost drain of obesity and the elderly. Instead of a dark, shadowy government control image, it offers a super-happy B.F. Skinner type of positive reinforcement feel.

The best part of my plan? It will cost the citizens of this country, nothing….nada…squat. Can ya dig it?

How can we pull this off, you ask? Two words my friends…

Trading Stamps!!

Damn right. Based upon what types of things you buy at the store and how you live your life, you will receive an assigned number of trading stamps that are redeemable for certain types of health care.

Go to the grocery and walk out with a cart full of fruits, vegetables, and soy milk, and you will also be walking out with a boat load of health care trading stamps.

Go to the grocery and walk out with a cart full of frozen pizza, booze, and bacon wrapped sausage balls, and you will get nothing...

Although it will be apparent to all, that you are having a helluva lot more fun than the trading stamp collectors.

Forget about the terms, Public Option, Co-Op, Death Panel, and Socialism…It all boils down to trading stamps.


With my plan, the quality of your health care will rest solely on how YOU want to live your life.

And frankly, what could be more American than that? Uh-huh, nothing.

Another plus to my health care trading stamp plan…It’s fun. Trade em, collect em, use them for a poker party.

Wouldn’t it be funny to see someone’s aging grandfather trying to draw to an inside straight to get the chemotherapy he so desperately needs, and then he doesn’t draw the right cards?

Oh Hooooo, the hilarity!! I dig it.

One word of advice folks…Never get involved in a health care trading stamp card game with Marcia, Jan, and Cindy Brady because you know how that House of Cards will fall.

There you have it…Once again, it is Matt-Man to the rescue. Whew…being the voice of common sense can sometimes be such a burden, but I do enjoy it so.

Cheers!!

26 comments:

Michele said...

What if I buy tons of fruits, veggies, soy milk and booze? Because I'm happy to roll the dice to keep my wine cooler fully stocked.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: You'll still get plenty of stamps for everything but the booze. However, because you are collecting stamps for the "good" things, treating your future cirrhosis will be easily taken care of.

Brilliant, no? Cheers Michele!!

Michele said...

You are fucking brilliant!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Oooo Hooo Weeee. Shuush me and catalog me, baby!! Cheers Michele!!

David said...

On behalf of my love of a nice chilled chardonnay or a perfect vodka-tonic on ice, I must challenge you to recall that wine is actually grape juice (fruit) and vodka is either processed whole grains (liquid whole wheat bread) or perhaps potatoes (veggie).

Plus I offset those with generous amounts of exercise - having sex and walking to the fridge for more ice in my drink counts as exercise, right?

Congrats on solving yet another problem weighing on the minds of Americans.

Cheers

Matt-Man said...

David: You've got it David. Plus, if you wear a helmet and/or a seat belt while having sex, more stamps for you. Safety Counts. Cheers!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I love your idea! You lost me on one point tho. I don’t understand how lobotomized people with monkey brain implants have anything to do with the rational, contemplative crowds at the town hall meetings. It doesn’t seem like those two references belong in the same post??? Jeesh.

If we get trading stamps then I want it to be free trade. I want to be able to trade my twice a year check ups for an ongoing script of Percs. I want to trade my preventative psychological exam for a script of Xanax. I promise that I’ll eat good and shit. Great post!!

Dianne said...

I immediately got this picture of health nuts and elderly bran freaks wanting to cash in - loose stamps would become their cry in alleys all over the country

cause ya know that one way or another the whole point of the American Dream is to make money at someone else's expense

Dana said...

Perfection! What fault could anyone find with this ... well ... except the counterfeit trade that it will generate. The dealers will trade in their crack for trading stamps ...

Bond said...

This will work, only if the trading stamps have pictures on them...say, if you are a male and you buy veggies, you get stamps with naked pictures of Halle Berry...if you are a female and you buy all sorts of fruits, you get stamps with naked pictures of George Clooney...

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I feel much shame. You are correct. How could I use monkey brains in the same post as cogent, well thought out protesting? I'm slipping. And thanks. Cheers Scott!!

Dianne: Actually what you descibe is a health benefit. If people are walking around looking for loose stamps, they're getting exercise. Cheers Sexy!!

Dana: We can overcome the counterfeiting, however, I think the problem is that people will be trading their stamps in order to get crack. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Hell...We can have an entire series of hot chick and hot guy stamps. Collect them all folks. Buy a dozen tomatoes and see Halle's tits. It's a win-win. Cheers Vin!!

Jay said...

This plan has lots of potential. I'm thinking it's pretty brilliant. And I'm already working on a way that I can make some money off this.

Like buy health care stamps from people really, really desperate for money at a huge discount. Like gambling addicts or middle class white collar workers who have just been laid off and have to make their balloon payment on their home AND tuition at their precious little snowflakes school.

Then, I could turn around and sell those stamps at a HUGE mark up to some other really, really desperate person who can't afford their diabetes/heart condition/MS/cancer meds.

It would be a win-win situation. Desperate people taken complete advantage of and someone gets rich. The American way baby!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. See? And really, if a person is selling you their health care at a cut rate so they can get drunk, whore around, or pay off their gambling debts, do we really need those people being around for a long time.

You get to make a buck and the dregs of society die sooner. I wish you luck in your business venture. Cheers Jay!!

Desert Rat said...

Love it! And if I could get stamps with a naked George Clooney! Whoohoo, Baby (great idea, Bond!). I'll just buy the grapes - LOTS OF GRAPES - and make my own wine in the bathtub. I'm on it!

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: See how ya are, you whore you? By the way, would it be too much to ask to get stamps with a naked picture of you on them? I'd never trade 'em in. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants! First, I don't take money for sex so I'm just a slut. Second, I bet you'd trade away my stamps for a bacon double cheese burger faster than you could say "special sauce!"

Lu' said...

Personally speaking the thought of a death squad idea was a good one. If I were terminally ill I would prefer to be put down ,hopefully gracefully and not just taken out back with a bullet put to the head. That way it is on their head and not mine by way of suicide which as we all know is a no no in THE BIG BOOK. I think willing onesself to death would be rather time consuming. Is that suiside?

Tranding stamps for health care, brillant!

Starrlight said...

Interesting but Dana is right. The counterfeit rings would win the day. On a serious note, what most people fail to get is we are on a public option in many ways. Your insurance rates are based on what is called Usual and Customary Cost. Guess what hospitals and doctors have to factor in to that. The cost of caring for the uninsured and the underinsured. Everything from direct medical cost to the operational cost. You ARE paying for the uninsured right now. I work in insurance although my peeps are a not for profit.

Guess how much charity care we are on track to give out for fiscal year 2009? 80 MILLION.

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Now that is just not true...If special sauce is involved I am saving it all for you. Purrrrr. Cheers Rat!!

Lu: Damn right. Put me out with the same softness and dignity of a dog. Cheers Pal!!

Starr: I would give you a pertinent response but I am covering what you just said in the near future. Dontcha hate that? Cheers!!

VE said...

I'll trade you a couple of stamps for a nice fruity rum drink...hey, they are TRADING stamps you know...

Andy said...

I like it! But we must be careful because of what happened to George Cantstanza's girlfried. The glue can be toxic. But I can see a world, our future, where my children and their children carry coupon books to pay for health care. I see a future where when we have a checkup we get a set of disney cups or plates or some tacky shit for the wall. I see a future of practical medicine with teh ability to outfit our homes with fine chinese merchandise, thus providing the funds to help the Chinese help pay off the US debt. Thus ends this evenings remarks.

katherine. said...

Wow….you and WSJ posting on the same subject…sorta

The Whole Foods Alternative to Heath Care

Matt-Man said...

VE: I don't do fruity drinks, however if you a bottle of Rose, consider it done. Cheers VE!!

Andy: Hee Hee...Those damn yellow devils. They lend us all of this damn money and then have the nerve to someday want it back. Bastards. Cheers Anj!!

Kat: Well I'll be damned. I must check that out. Thanks for the link. Cheers Kat!!

Marilyn said...

Under this plan you'd only get to go to the doctor during lent.

Matt-Man said...

Marilyn: Ha. Very Good. Cheers Marilyn!!