Saturday, August 22, 2009

The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America: Gay and Lesbian Are A-Okay!!

It became official on Friday.

The largest denomination of Lutherans in the U.S. has voted to lift a ban that prevented sexually active gay dudes and lesbos from serving as ministers.

The delegates of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA) which claims a membership of 4.7 million people, voted in Minneapolis Friday on the issue, and the results…?

Praise the Lord and Pass the KY Jelly!! Or, to quote Martin Luther…

“Be thou comforted, little dog, Thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.”

Well praise Jeebus ye of Lutheran faith, there is going to be a lot of golden tail preachin’ in your churches.

I mean, hell, I don’t think it’s a big deal. Episcopalians allow gay ministers. The United Church of Christ allows them as well, and as we all know…

The Roman Catholic Church allows not only gays into the priesthood, but pedophiles as well.

Hell, for decades, Priests have been nailin’ young boys harder than a Roman soldier hammerin’ a spike into the Lord.

In fact, I hear that when a Priest gets assigned to an all-boys Catholic High School you can typically hear him shout:

“Praise Jeebus, for in the Lord, there lies abundance!!”

Anyhoo…where was I? Oh that’s right…the fucking Lutherans.

I think what the delegates did was great. Gay people should be permitted to serve the Lord and his flock. In a way, gay men specifically, because of their sexual habits, would be more adept at serving a flock.

I also think it is very appropriate that the ELCA held its convention and voted to allow the inclusion of gay people into its cadre of clergy while in the city of Minneapolis.

After all, Minneapolis is where Sen. Larry Craig, eschewed his closeted gayness, and tried to tap toes and make time with an undercover cop in an airport bathroom. God is one clever son of a bitch.

I really do hail this as a step forward, but there is some talk that this vote will cause a schism within the ELCA…so be it.

Those who decide to split from the Lutheran Church over this inclusion can suck it…so to speak.

I do think however, when gay Lutherans start conducting services, the names of the churches in which they pastor might need to reflect the changes.

For instance in Bagwine, if a gay guy becomes the pastor of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become re-named, The Manhole Bar and Eucharist.

If some lesbian chick takes over the holy reins of Grace Evangelical Lutheran Church, it could become known as, Grace, Betsy, Juanita and What the Eunuch Saw Evangelical Lutheran Church.

Once again, Matt-Man…Here to Help.

Well that’s it for today. Sunday is the ex’s Birthday so this morning I am taking my 14 year old son and his size 13 feet out to get his mom a present.

Hmmmmmm? 14 years old and wears size 13 shoes…?

Praise Jeebus that my kid doesn’t go to a Catholic School full of Priests.



Clay Perry said...

LOLOLOLOLOL.... religion is so entertaining...

Scott Oglesby said...

I didn’t even know that women were allowed to become ministers. Would she be a ministress or just a mistress?
Believe it or not, I am a Christian. I’ve just never ‘gotten’ church. In the past it was always just another way for the government to control and keep tabs on people. From what I’ve seen, church folk are some of the worst people on the planet. Like I’ve said before; I think that if Jesus were alive today, he’d be more of a Buddhist. So why do people still go? Are they lonely? I wonder if we could get rich by opening Sunday card clubs in every city in every country. They could have a Friday fish fry, a monthly bake sale, and a 10% of your salary suggested donation. Black ladies could still wear their hats. White women could still gossip and bitch about their kids. And there’d be card games!! Sounds like paradise to me!!

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Ha. Indeed it is and it offers me a wealth of post opportunities. Cheers Clay!!

Scott: Here's to card club paradise. I'm a Christian as well but I am vehemently anti-organized religion. When I pray, I do it within the privacy of my own mind.

I am also a devout Taoist. Of course that is more of a philosophy than a religion. Cheers Scott!!

Jay said...

Man, I can't wait until they redecorate the local Lutheran Church. It's gonna look fabulous! And the new gay minister can start up a beauty salon in one of the buildings and style hair during the week as a side business.

Come people! Stereotyping is fun! LOL

I think Scott has a great idea too. The men can play poker and even set up a blackjack table while the women play bridge. And the kids can play on the slot machines. They'll love all the noises and lights and fun stuff like that. ;-)

Phfrankie Bondo said...

..."schism" is soooooo close to being a nasty word...

katherine. said...

In my well churched life I know of many openly gay men and women serving as pastors in organized Christian churches. Maybe not Catholic...but many protestant congregations.

We play poker and euchre (childhood aversion to bridge.) Some wear hats. In my experience men gossip FAR more than women...and we tend to brag on our kids..

But I like worship.
(warning... nauseum alert

the music and the joy and the love.
I like hanging out with people who in many ways share the faith I have.

Come to think of it...It's very similar to the way I feel at a Niner's game...

Enjoy the day with the boy.

Dianne said...

it's cool that you're going shopping together

I too like the word schism ...

So - can the gay ministers perform legal same sex marriage ceremonies - I assume only in the very few states that recognize it

cause after all there is such a separation of church/state in this country

now - if you're a gay minister in a state where gay marriage is not legal can you perform the ceremony on a bus/boat/plane/loading dock? kinda like the captain of a ship?

or do you need to go to one of the very few states who got their heads out of their asses?

cause then I'm thinking there would be a call for convoys of gay marrying folks and their religious leaders - there could be a nice little industry there - RVs and buses and gay friendly rest stops ...

I look to you for guidance in all this

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Stereotyping is great fun, but I have a question. You said that you have a Lutheran Church in Arkansas? I thought they were all inbred Baptists down yonder. Cheers!!

Phfrankie: Ha. Yes it is. I think that is why I like it so much. Cheers P-Man!!

Kat: I loooooove euchre, but the church thing? It just ain't for me. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: we had fun. As for all of your questions...that will take a fifth of Rose and some time fully answer them all. However I do have a question for you...

Aren't all of the rest stops in New Jersey already gay friendly?

David said...

>>>Praise the Lord and Pass the KY

Love it!!

All these comments remind me of the famous Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence in SF.

Andy said...

It will be interesting to see if the Lutherens splinter into different factions. Pro Gay Clergy vs Keep the Gays off the Pulpit Clergy. We'll see.

Matt-Man said...

Andy: I am sure there will be a splinter group. After all, if gays invade their Church they may get cooties. Cheers Anj!!