Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm Livin' With A Man, Baby!!

WARNING: The following exposition contains dialogue of a frank, and sexual nature.

Turn back now, if that may be unsettling to you, or if by reading the phrase, “frank and sexual nature” you are expecting a story that includes me dorking a goat…

See that huge head of mine in the picture? It’s so big (mainly due to my ego) that the picture couldn’t capture the top of it.


But, it is also enormous because I have a massive brain.

My vast cranial canyon is full of knowledge, foresight, and thought; however, I am having a sexual problem with the Schmoop, and in spite of my super human intellect, I don’t understand it.

Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. Although we have had our ups and downs just like any other couple, sex has never been a problem.

It has always been smokin’ hot. In fact, mere days after hooking up with me, she even got rid of her battery operated boyfriends because they couldn’t compete with me.

That is a fact that I cling to like grim death. ’Cause, well…my incredible ability to sexually satisfy is my only accomplishment in life. Anyhoo…

As many of you know, I have an affinity and skill for what some of us now call, Number Nine.

If you are unfamiliar with that Bagwine term, it means going south of the equator on a chick and seeing what the tuco-tuco of Patagonia tastes like. Schmoop’s little Southern Hemisphere rodent is delicious.


I think it may even contain Vitamin C, but I digress…

Lately during our sexcapades, as I am doing my best Magellan impersonation by orally exploring her Terra del Fuego, she will suddenly squirm and cut me off from my lady wallet osculation of her.

Schmoop, with the instant gratification characteristics of a man, will say:

“C'mon baby, I want dick!!”

Y’know…Here I am spending all of this time taking care of every inch of her body, and NOT being a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kinda guy, and what do I get for my efforts?

Heartache, that’s what.

I don’t get it. She likes me doing what I do. I loooooove it, and yet, when I start really getting into it, she just has to have the Matt-Meat.

Have I become so good that she can’t contain herself? Am I just so incredibly desirable that when I tongue her love button, she goes sexually ballistic?

Is my tongue the catalyst for a type of orgasm unseen in history since the time when a newly turned 13 year old Ann Coulter blew out the candles on her birthday cake that was designed in the shape of Richard Nixon’s head?

Or, has Schmoop developed man genes that dictate that she has to have it right here, right now, and with no regard to my feelings of love and longing to share quality time in our sex?

I tell ya…I am at a loss, and I need your help. We need your help.

You see, I am working during the day today, so Schmoop and I will be together tonight. We plan on having sex.

I was counting on you brilliant folks to give us some profound advice.

I hope that when I return home from work Monday evening and I open the comments, Schmoop and I will see some sage advice for my tongue, my Johnson, and her vagina.

I thank you in advance.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Starrlight said...

Dude sometimes it gets old feeling like a cone at 31 Flavors!

David said...

Oh lordy lou. You are truly in a sexual conundrum.

While your tongue is working miracles that most women would beg for, we have Schmoop demanding much more intense action of the Matt-meat.

How you manage to provide such satisfaction beyond reasonable expectation is simply just honestly mind-boggling.

I am in awe of the fact that you continue to step up to the plate (as sports analogies would demand) is utterly beyond human understanding.

Mere mortals, such as myself, can only stand at the sidelines in awe....well, in all honestly in envy. I must concede that I am not all that fond of the tongue-on-clit action but I do indeed envy those guys that perform excellently. Shamefully I must admit that I am motivated by an expectation of oral reciprocation.

“The question before us is where’s her clitoris?”….That boggles the juvenile minds of so many men…yet you know the answer and are still thrust into this dilemma. If a virtual sex god such as our Matt-Man falls victim to those expectations, what is a mediocre guy such as myself to do? I quake at the question.

Now...your reference to Andy Coulter and sex is so disturbing that I am revolted by the very suggestion. How dare you plant such horrific images in my mind's eye? Shameful I tell you, just shameful.

Scott Oglesby said...

I could have happily gone my entire life without picturing Ann Coulter blowing anyone, much less Richard fucking Nixon. Now what am I supposed to do with the black holes in my brain?

The only way that I know to slow down the process is alcohol and/or valium. Still, when she does reach the point of the big bang, she’s going to want the real McCoy. One last idea? As soon as she reaches critical mass, you could pour a little chilled Wild Irish Rose on the flesh fire, and cool her off in every sense of the word. Damn, I just made myself horny. And the wife is out.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: But come on...That's just one thing I do. The problem is that she has turned into a microwave. Cheers!!

David: Ha. Evidently even my skills have fallen victim to the ADD of our 24/7 got to have it now culture. Very funny, my good man, and I apologize for the Coulter reference. Okay, no I doubt, but...well, you know. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: She does enjoy a sip of the Rose once in awhile. I could lace it with vicodin and she would be pretty much at mercy. Of course being of questionable mental health, that combo may make her want to stab me with an ice pick. Wow, from one dilemma to yet another. Cheers Scott!!

Michele said...

Trust me on this, it's a hormonal thing. Slow down and give her what she wants. Isn't that the point anyway?

Matt-Man said...

Michele: She doesn't want me to slow down...She wants me to speed up and just plain nail her.

Heyyyyyyyy. Maybe she just wants me to get it over with. I may have just answered my own question. Cheers Michele!!

Jay said...

Yeah, I'm no expert here, but it's entirely possible that she's just wanting you to hurry up and get it over with so she can watch cable TV. Something like MASH or Roseanne on TV Land. Or maybe a movie on TCM. ;-)

snugs said...

maybe she wants you to give it to her fast and hard the first round, then you can take is slow and easy for round two..

Dana said...

Ummm ... yeah ... I've got nothin' ... LITERALLY!

Bond said...

I could help here, but I don't give away trade secrets...you are on your own

katherine. said...

I suggest you just do what she says and gives her what she wants.

that woman is a SAINT!

Desert Rat said...

And the problem would be...?? You're good, she's enjoying it: go with the flow and quit making the rest of us jealous! That's just mean! ;-D

Schmoop said...

Thanks for posting this dear, it's lovely. Be ready tonite.

Micky-T said...

It's none of my damn buisness.

Lu' said...

I say count your blessings she still wants you to slip her the high hard one and that said high hard one be connected to you :) Don't over think it. As Nike would say, Just Do It or in this case her.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. If you talking strictly about the MASH episodes when Trapper was still there you may be right. Cheers Jay!!

Snugs: Round Two? Now that's just crazy talk. Cheers Snugs!!

Dana: I...am...aghast. Cheers Dana!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: You employ olive oil dontcha...Cheers!!

Kat: Saint!? What are you saying here? Are you implying that it must be hard to live with me? Cheers Kat!!

Desert Rat: You're just jealous because you always wanted to have sex with Ferdinand Magellan. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: See how I bare my soul and the extent to which I will go to make you happy? I'm ready. Zooooooves!!

Micky: Well unlike me, that has never prevented me from speaking on topics. Cheers Mick!!

Lu: Maybe you're right...We'll see how it goes tonight. Cheers Lu!!

VE said...

This is indeed troubling. Next thing you know everybody will be happy with their health care...

snugs said...

excuse me, your woman is in her prime. Round 2, 3 etc. should not be negotiable! Remember when you were 18? This is her 18 so give it to her!

Matt-Man said...

VE: God, I hope not. What fun would that be? Cheers VE!!

Snugs: There's a problem with your solution. I can't remember what I did yesterday, let alone recalling how it was when I was 18. Cheers Snugs!!

Lee Ann aka Dixie said...

I come back from the dead and was going to have something to say but this has left me totally speechless...