Saturday, August 15, 2009

John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, and Baby: A Cry for HuMANity

On Thursday, I discussed the affair and subsequent fall out over the affair that Rick Pitino had with Karen Sypher.

In that particular dissertation, I also mentioned the recent affairs of Sen. John Ensign and Gov. Mark Sanford. And now…

Former Senator John Edwards is back in the news. It is being reported that he will soon admit to being the Baby Daddy of Rielle Hunter’s child.

Mizz Hunter is of course the woman that Edwards was dorking in the one of two Americas in which his wife Elizabeth, was not living.

I thought I was done talking about all of these affairs. I was merely trying to find a few jokes in all of this un-matrimonial madness. But I tell ya, I don’t find it funny any longer. I find it very disturbing and it makes me sick to my stomach.

How could the four aforementioned men of stature, power, and financial security do this? I mean for God’s sake…The chicks with whom they cheated on their spouses are butt ass ugly.

Here’s a picture of Pitino’s former “hot” babe, Karen Sypher…


WTF? I know they had sex at a fancy restaurant, but did he initially meet her while looking for a cost effective foot fungicide at Wal*Mart?

Sen. Ensign’s babe, Cindy Hampton…


A definite step up from that Karen Sypher chick, but c’mon Mr. Ensign…You are a United States Senator. I’m sure you can cheat on your wife with someone better than Mr. Ed’s long lost daughter. Maybe there’s some kind of bestiality thing going on with ya.

Mark Sanford traveled clear to Argentina to dip his wick in Maria Belen-Chapur…Why?


Holy Cow. This chick looks like Sophia Loren will look like if she lives to be 120. And this Southern Hemisphere harlot is only 44 or so.

And now…John Edwards and his birthing beauty, Rielle Hunter…

What the hell? That’s the lady that Edwards found so hot and desirable that he would risk his marriage, family and millions of dollars for?

She looks like she just came off a three day meth binge. Johnny Boy, Johnny Boy…If you’re going to do this again, please go to the drugstore and get some condoms and a bottle of Focus Factor first. Jeez.

I don’t get at all what these major dudes saw in these chicks. Hell, if they had a taste for truly hot babes instead of the hit upside the head with an ugly stick chicks they cheated with, they could have just come to my site.

Take for instance this leather chapped, hot, motorcycle ridin' mama...Yes indeed boys, allow me to introduce you to Kat. Perhaps, Ensign and Sanford would really dig her. She is a bit of a Conservative ya know. Purrrrrrrrrrr.


Of course there is the resident Bagwine beauty, Schmoop. Hummina Hummina. Hey Pitino, you wouldn't have to work your way through three layers of foundation and an oil slick of lipstick to get to the real thing with her.


Yo Edwards...here is our Bagwine scientist, Desert Rat. In spite of her appearance in this picture, she is NOT retarded. Brains, beauty, and well coiffed hair, just like you. Of course, she might be a little too good looking for your, um..."taste" in women.


Oh yeah, why trek across the country and the world when we have plenty of beauty right here on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations? I don't think you would get anywhere with these babes, but it gives you something to shoot for.

Now dammit boys...You've already let your wives and families down, so here's my advice to you...

If you are, in the future, going to put your dignity and Johnson on the line, at least do it with a chick who is hot like all of the babes who stop by Bagwine.

You are giving the American heterosexual man a bad name.

Cheers!!

34 comments:

Cheesy said...

Ur so funny....

:o)

Scott Oglesby said...

To tell you the truth, Pitino is the only one I can understand at all. Why? Because he was drunk. Alcohol does that to you. As much as a flirt/ladies man as I ever was single; I couldn’t fathom breaking up a happy family for sex. Unless it was with a 25 year old Demi Moore, Alicia Keys, or Liv Tyler. Your Schmoop does look good tho, you’re a lucky man!

Damn, I had never seen Edwards strange before now! You’d think with all the money he spends on a haircut, he would’ve given her a nice fantastic Sam’s style and dye. For fuck’s sake, she looks like Donald Trump after a sex change and crack addiction. If you make a tiny circle with your hand over your eye so you can just see her face, she looks like that chick from the exorcist. Fugly ugh.

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: It's a gift really, and I use it just to turn you on. Cheers Cheesy!!

Scott: Wow this is scary. We evidently have the same taste in women, have the same sense of humor, and when talking about Hunter, I was going to use the very word, "fugly". Who's your daddy? Cheers Scott!!

Dana said...

Yeah ... the affairs would have made much more sense if the butt ugly, narcisistic, men had just chosen more beautiful women ...

*rolls eyes*

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Well sure it would make more sense, and the same goes for women.

For instance I could completely understand it if Schmoop cheated on me with Antonio Banderas, Liam Neeson, or hell, even the plumber who lives down the hall. He does have a pretty hot looking ass crack and a large tool belt. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

"she is NOT retarded" !!
see now this is an example of your brilliance - you manage to be oh so not sensitive to a completely unrelated group while being insensitive to "fugly" women

way to multi-task!

that Hunter broad looks like she was separated at birth from Prince Charles' pony Camilla - isn't that delightful?

Jay said...

There is no doubt that the babes of the blogosphere are wayyyyyyyyyyy hotter than the nasty skanks that these rich and powerful guys are banging. But, then again, they are just following the lead of the master. Yes, the Big Dog himself, Bill Clinton. Did you ever get a look at the women he was hittin'? Bow-freaking-Wow!

And, I think the point that the lovely and talented Dana might have missed is, even if these guys are butt-ugly themselves, that kind of power, influence and wealth should land them much hotter goomah than these men had.

Hell, these chicks aren't even hot enough to be strippers. At the very minimum, a man of money and power should be banging a long-legged 19 year old stripper.

Michele said...

Maybe those ugly women have secret powers in their nether regions. They were born ugly so they got an extra muscle in the vagina to make up for it.

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ha. I do like to cover as many bases in each post as possible. And by God, you are right...She does look like Camilla. I now have something else with which to dislike her. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Jay: Yeah, Billy-Boy never really hosed the cream of the crop looks wise.

Although I kinds dug Monica. Sue me, I have a thing for shall we say, more "robust" chicks, especially when they have dark hair.

And the point that you said that I made? Was exactly my point. Cheers!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: You could be right. They may have developed some Super-Happy Kegel Powers that are unknown to most women. Perhaps I should investigate. I think I shall. Cheers Michele!!

katherine. said...

thank you kindly....I am honored to be included with the D-Rat and Schmoop.

The way we humans decide to pair up baffles me..the dance is perplexing. I'm not even sure I understand how I make my choices.

However...this IS one of the better pictures of me available...online.

Robust, brunette cigar lover that I am.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Indeed it is a good picture. I'm am so very jealous of those chaps.

As I have told Schmoop before, I don't care how smart someone is, be they man or woman, when it comes to lust and/or love, sometimes a different part of the brain takes over and things become perplexing.

She agreed, however, I was a bit miffed at the rapidity with which she agreed with me.

Cheers and thanks, you hot, cigar smokin', bike ridin' wench, you!!

katherine. said...

uh oh.

I just realized you cropped out part of "the baby"....so...when the bat-wielding brothers from New Penn knock on your door...don't answer....

Micky-T said...

Ahhh, a leathered lady in Locke.

Am I right Katherine? That pic is of the little Delta chinaman town, Locke. That's Phfrankie Bondo territory.

katherine. said...

I have been leathered (among other things) in Locke...I love it there!

but I think that picture is in Sutter Creek in the gold country...

where is phfrankie? I gotta go look.

Matt-Man said...

Kat: As nice as the bike is, I felt the focus should be on you. I'm artsy that way. Cheers Kat!!

Micky: Dammit Mick...Never mention Kat and P-Man in the same comment. That makes me feel unseemly. Cheers Mick!!

Kat: Ha. I bet you have. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

my next weblog is gonna be called:

"Leathered, Liquored, and Lathered"

Micky-T said...

Excuse me Matt.....


Kat, he lives right on the river in Hood.

katherine. said...

oh lordy....we go right by there ALL the time...

The Teamster lives in Tracy and his family lives outside of Sac.

Micky-T said...

Phfrankie has a sweet, comfy little place.

The backroads of the Delta are really nice huh?

katherine. said...

the backroads of the Delta really are nice...we love those rides.

especially with the Teamster's central valley being so ephn hot this time of year...and the tourist infestation here where I am.

not to mention the fires...

katherine. said...

micky...how close are you to Tazwell? or Knoxville...? or Lynchburg?

Desert Rat said...

So, I just look retarded? You kill me! That is one of my favorite pictures, actually! I like to keep people unbalanced so they're not intimidated by (or better yet, even suspect) my scientific braininess! ha!

Kat, you look awesome! I've always liked that picture of Schmoop, too! I'm honored to included with the true Beauties of Bagwine (even if I DO look like a dork!)

Micky-T said...

I'm about a 25 min drive SW of Knoxville on I 40.
Are you coming by?

Desert Rat said...

BTW, I'd rather have sex with the homeless guy who sweeps up around the liquor store and meows at people than Edwards.

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Hardly...You look fantastic. And actually as much as I wanted to, I refused to use the picture of you that I came across with you crossing your eyes. It's a keeper.

And BTW...I work at a beer store and purrrr at women; is that close enough? Cheers Adorable One!!

Desert Rat said...

Well, duh, of course I'd rather have sex with you than Edwards! I'd think that was a no-brainer.

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Considering the character of Edwards I don't know if that's a compliment or not. But since it came from you, I'll take it as such.

After all, nobody puts Baby in a corner. Cheers Rat!!

David said...

There is truly no accounting for taste. Edwards wife, while a bit hefty, is far more attractive than that horse-faced individual he hooked up with.

And Ole Bubba Clinton could have had quite a choice of women as "the most powerful man in the world" but picked the dowdy Monica? But at least that gave us a wonderful nickname for a bj.

Matt-Man said...

David: And I am for all screwing an ugly chick if it will evolve into a good joke. Clinton was always thinking. Cheers!!

snugs said...

Let it be written that for once, I completely agree with Dana and could not have said it better myself.

I don't know what Dana would say to Jay's comment, but I don't think that these middled aged dweebs power and money make them worthy of banging my 19 yr old daughter..I personally would not do Edwards..but I would stand in line for Clinton.

Matt-Man said...

Snugs: Well...I have to say, that I am perplexed. First of all, anyone who has read me for anytime would know that other than thinking Kat, Schmoop, and Rat are actually hot would know that I don't really give a damn whether these boneheads are dorking these lepers or not.

Am I not coming across that way? 'Cause if I'm not, I'm not doing my job. Cheers Snugs!!

katherine. said...

Until the past year when my grandfather died I use to get to Knoxville and Tazwell every year. I have hundreds of family in the area.

There has been some talk about some of us going back next year.

Starrlight said...

Interesting theory although it takes more than looks for most people me thinks. Sometimes the ugly ones make damn good kiss asses ;)