John Edwards, Rielle Hunter, and Baby: A Cry for HuMANity

On Thursday, I discussed the affair and subsequent fall out over the affair that Rick Pitino had with Karen Sypher.

In that particular dissertation, I also mentioned the recent affairs of Sen. John Ensign and Gov. Mark Sanford. And now…

Former Senator John Edwards is back in the news. It is being reported that he will soon admit to being the Baby Daddy of Rielle Hunter’s child.

Mizz Hunter is of course the woman that Edwards was dorking in the one of two Americas in which his wife Elizabeth, was not living.

I thought I was done talking about all of these affairs. I was merely trying to find a few jokes in all of this un-matrimonial madness. But I tell ya, I don’t find it funny any longer. I find it very disturbing and it makes me sick to my stomach.

How could the four aforementioned men of stature, power, and financial security do this? I mean for God’s sake…The chicks with whom they cheated on their spouses are butt ass ugly.

Here’s a picture of Pitino’s former “hot” babe, Karen Sypher…


WTF? I know they had sex at a fancy restaurant, but did he initially meet her while looking for a cost effective foot fungicide at Wal*Mart?

Sen. Ensign’s babe, Cindy Hampton…

A definite step up from that Karen Sypher chick, but c’mon Mr. Ensign…You are a United States Senator. I’m sure you can cheat on your wife with someone better than Mr. Ed’s long lost daughter. Maybe there’s some kind of bestiality thing going on with ya.

Mark Sanford traveled clear to Argentina to dip his wick in Maria Belen-Chapur…Why?

Holy Cow. This chick looks like Sophia Loren will look like if she lives to be 120. And this Southern Hemisphere harlot is only 44 or so.

And now…John Edwards and his birthing beauty, Rielle Hunter…

What the hell? That’s the lady that Edwards found so hot and desirable that he would risk his marriage, family and millions of dollars for?

She looks like she just came off a three day meth binge. Johnny Boy, Johnny Boy…If you’re going to do this again, please go to the drugstore and get some condoms and a bottle of Focus Factor first. Jeez.

I don’t get at all what these major dudes saw in these chicks. Hell, if they had a taste for truly hot babes instead of the hit upside the head with an ugly stick chicks they cheated with, they could have just come to my site.

Take for instance this leather chapped, hot, motorcycle ridin' mama...Yes indeed boys, allow me to introduce you to Kat. Perhaps, Ensign and Sanford would really dig her. She is a bit of a Conservative ya know. Purrrrrrrrrrr.

Of course there is the resident Bagwine beauty, Schmoop. Hummina Hummina. Hey Pitino, you wouldn't have to work your way through three layers of foundation and an oil slick of lipstick to get to the real thing with her.

Yo Edwards...here is our Bagwine scientist, Desert Rat. In spite of her appearance in this picture, she is NOT retarded. Brains, beauty, and well coiffed hair, just like you. Of course, she might be a little too good looking for your, um..."taste" in women.

Oh yeah, why trek across the country and the world when we have plenty of beauty right here on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations? I don't think you would get anywhere with these babes, but it gives you something to shoot for.

Now dammit boys...You've already let your wives and families down, so here's my advice to you...

If you are, in the future, going to put your dignity and Johnson on the line, at least do it with a chick who is hot like all of the babes who stop by Bagwine.

You are giving the American heterosexual man a bad name.

Cheers!!

Rick Pitino and Karen Sypher: I'd Like The Spaghetti, Meat, and Balls With A Side of Extortion

Rick Pitino…

University of Louisville basketball coach…Devout Roman Catholic…A man who enjoys incorporating food into his sex life with women other than his wife.

He’s the ultimate triple threat, and…a source of irony.

If you haven’t heard, Louisville Head Basketball Coach, Rick Pitino has been involved in some legal wrangling involving an extramarital liaison that he had with the Bluegrass State floozie and wearer of way too much make-up, Karen Sypher.

Evidently, ol’ Rick “The Stick” Pitino engaged in a sexual encounter with one Karen Sypher back in August of 2003.

In keeping with the limelight he enjoys as one of our nation’s most successful basketball coaches, Pitino and Sypher did the full court nasty next to, under, and on top of a table at the upscale Louisville restaurant, Porcini.

Oh Baby, I can see Pitino’s olive oil covered head bobbin up and down under Sypher’s skirt as she is writhing and screaming, “Mangia!! Mangia!!”

Unfortunately…Pitino couldn’t adhere strictly to the, “eatin’ ain’t cheatin’ rule.” Noooooo, Mr. Big Stuff had to bring his A-Game to the table as well as his hardwood court experience. Damn right.

Rick the Stick, slam dunked Sypher’s love basket and in the process got fouled because his move created a three-point play. Him, her, and her womb.

Yep, it seems that not only did Pitino spring for a really good Porcini dinner, he got her pregnant. See what happens when you order ala carte? It’s costly.

Well, Sypher wanted to have an abortion so Pitino coughed up $3,000.00. Of course being the devout Catholic that he is, he claims it was merely to help her get health coverage.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think that anyone who has just banged a prominent person is in return, looking for an insurance policy with affordable premiums and a 10 dollar co-pay.

C’mon Pitino don’t lie. God and Pope Benny are watching you.

Of course, the story takes a turn for the worse. It appears that years later Sypher got a hair up her ass that wasn’t Pitino’s and decided to try to extort 10 Million Dollars from Pitino in order to keep things quiet.

Pitino said no; so guess what lipstick pig Sypher did?

That’s right…she claimed that their consensual, culinary carnality was actually an act of restaurant rape perpetuated by Pitino.

Ha…Yeah right, food whore.

The funny thing is…Sypher was, at the time, married (now estranged) to Pitino’s equipment manager, Tim Sypher.

I guess Tim isn’t too good at his job because he failed to manage his boss’s equipment from hosing his wife.

Wow…What a tangled web we weave. Here’s the thing, and the irony that I mentioned at the beginning of this blather.

Sen. John Ensign (R-NV), Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC), and now Rick Pitino have recenty been busted for having affairs.

I have always found Gov. Mark Sanford to be a loon. Not quite with it. Kind of a Barney Rubble living in a Jetson’s world, but now, I’m not so sure.

While Ensign and Pitino were puttin’ the salami to the wives of friends and staff members in offices and restaurants here in the states…

Sanford at least had the good sense to hose some chick with no ties to his administration in an apartment in Argentina.

Sure he got caught as well, but damn…compared to the other two, Sanford’s a frickin’ genius.

Anyhoo, that’s all I have to say about that. Well there is one other thing…

To the owners of the restaurant, Porcini…Now is the perfect time to Americanize the name of your eatery.

Why don’t you rename it, Porky’s?

Cheers!!

Bagwine, Interrupted

Just as Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson passed from this earth yesterday, I am today, shutting down Bagwine Ruminations.

Okay, not with the same finality of the aforementioned celebrities, but…

My painting of the Bagwine Love Shack has reached the point where I must paint the walls in the area of the computer desk, so my computer will be all but down for awhile.

And…between working tonight, and my self-imposed Saturday evening deadline of having the entire paint job done, I will only be around here and there.

I know…you’ll miss me, and I appreciate that.

Just found out that Schmoop is off until July 6th. Oh Baby!! Fresh paint, new carpet, and Schmoop at home for a week!? Boy Howdy, there are going to be some fireworks popping off at the Bagwine digs.

Anyhoo…Here’s to Farrah Fawcett, whose famous swimsuit poster was for a time, the most masturbated to picture in the world.

And to Michael Jackson, about whom it was once said, “Michael is proof positive that only in America can a black boy grow up to become a white woman.”

May both of you rest in peace.

To Governor Mark Sanford, here’s to ya buddy. You lucked out. Because of the passing of Jackson, your saucy escapades have been all but erased from the headlines.

And, to all of you adorable chuckleheads…

Enjoy your Friday, and your first full weekend of Summer 2009. I’ll be around when I can.

Cheers!!

Gov. Mark Sanford: I Left My Heart (And Career) In Argentina

Former Congressman and current South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, a man whose name has been mentioned as a Republican who would vie for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012, has a political career that is quickly headed south.

His career is headed south because he headed south to Argentina, and then undoubtedly headed south on the body of his mistress.

That’s quite a bit of heading south for one guy to overcome. Even one who is…er…was, the up and coming darling of fiscal conservatives.

Sanford now joins Sen. John Ensign (R-NV) as yet another potential 2012 GOP Presidential candidate who got his married hand caught in someone else’s nookie jar.

Hell, if this trend continues, the only candidate the GOP will be able to run in 2012, will be Sarah Palin. Holy Cow!! God and the Evangelicals move in mysterious ways indeed.

I have to hand it to Gov. Sanford. When he has an affair…he knows how to do it up with panache.

Sanford leaves his duties as Governor and disappears without a word for five days. He makes up a story about going hiking. And then, he flies to Argentina to hook up with Maria, his Tropic of Capricorn trollop.

You Go Guv!! I bet Henry Miller would have enjoyed Sanford’s Tropic of Capricorn coital exploits as much as his own.

Gov. Sanford, my good man…To me, you are Errol Flynn, Jose de San Martin, and that nerdy, goofy fucker that sat behind me in my 11th grade Chemistry class, all rolled into one.

Boy oh Boy. There’s nothing Sanford won’t do for love. In addition to going AWOL, he lied his ass off during this sexcapade.

If the Guv’s wanker grows every time he lies, like Pinocchio’s nose did when he lied, it’s no wonder sultry Maria can’t get enough of Sanford’s Palmetto wood.

I mean, Sanford continued to lie right up until the time he held his clumsy and ill-conceived press conference on Wednesday.

I think there’s even more to his Southern Hemisphere hosing. I believe there was more than one woman in Argentina that he was statutorily stuffing.

You see, twenty some years ago, when I was trying to do stand-up comedy, I wrote and performed a song that, due to the Sanford incident, has become a timeless gem.

I think now, that when I wrote it, I was unknowingly witnessing the future of one, Mark Sanford. Some may call it a feeble attempt at comedy. I call it a musical prophecy.

Enjoy.

Today, while Gov. Sanford is picking up the pieces of his life and political career, I am going to drink, and paint the apartment.

When I’m done for the day, I am going to have hot sex with Schmoop. In addition to the quality of the sex with Schmoop, you know what really rocks about it?

I don’t have to fly all the way to Argen-Fucking-Tina to get it!!

Cheers!!