Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Muammar Qaddafi, Muammar Gaddafi...However the Hell You Spell It, Englewood, N.J. Doesn't Want Him There

I am so excited.

Muammar Qaddafi the lovable, Libyan dictator and man with more spellings of his name than Mao Tse Tung, will soon be bringing his new found international love to the United States when he comes to address the United Nations General Assembly.

This will be the first time ever that Gaddafi has set his sandy, Carthaginian feet upon U.S. soil. For me, this is my moment of frenzy that those in the 60’s experienced when The Beatles came to America.

Unfortunately, it seems that the residents of Englewood, N.J. do not share my frenetic fascination with the leader of Libya.

Mayor Michael Wildes, Congressman Steve Rothman, and Sen. Frank Lautenberg do not want Gadhafi to hang out in Englewood, N.J. And why would he?

Well my friends, the Libyan government owns an estate in Englewood located on Palisades Avenue and has owned it for over 25 years. There’s talk that Muammar wants to pitch a tent there and do some entertaining while he’s in the states.

What’s the big deal? What else is going on in New Jersey? What, Atlantic City gambling? Pfffft…I could get the same Atlantic City experience right here in Bagwine, Ohio today.

I could walk down to the Valero gas station, buy a Mega Millions Lottery ticket, drink the backwash from a 40 ounce bottle of King Cobra that someone threw out, and then piss down my pants on the way home.

Come on Englewood, N.J., let Khadafi liven the place up. Let him pitch his tent, play some music, and serve couscous and bazeen to his guests. To not allow him to party on his own property is incredibly un-American.

Sure, I know, there’s the whole release of Pan-Am Flight 103 bomber, Abdel Baset al-Megrahi thing going on, but who’s fault is that?

It isn’t the fault of Qaddafi. The Scots are the ones who set him free, stick it those haggis eating tightwads.

You can give the Scots and their release of al-Megrahi the collective finger by not allowing The Bay City Rollers to perform in New Jersey should they ever do a reunion tour. Hell, the other 49 states would gladly join you.

But, my Garden State friends, lay off Muammar, and let him enjoy his property. I for one would love to attend one of his tent parties.

He’s a snappy dresser. He knows how to party, and most importantly…

He surrounds himself with a security detail comprised of 30 hot, virginal, female bodyguards. Allah Akbar, Bitches!!

I would love to hang out for the evening and try to convert each and every one of his Quran reading hotties to the religion of Mattholicism.

Hell, if I’m sexually successful with his bodyguards, I could go on a world tour and start breeding the entire Muslim faith out of existence.

My tour motto would be a take off on the line delivered by King Edward I, aka Longshanks, in the movie Braveheart

The problem with the Muslim world is that it is full of Muslims…If we can’t drive them out, we’ll breeeed them out.

Damn right. Me putting Longshanks plan into action, is not only a way to produce non-Muslim children, it’s one more big ol’ flip of the middle finger to the Scots.

Cheers!!

32 comments:

Jay said...

Gosh, I don't know why they wouldn't want Qadhafi hanging out in their town. Maybe they don't like to pal around with terrorists like John McCain does...

http://is.gd/2xpMU

Jay said...

Also, I think you may need some help with the hotties. If you do, just let me know. That's the kind of great guy I am. Always there for ya, buddy. ;-)

Scott Oglesby said...

Maybe I’m fucked up (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started comments with those words) but I grew up like Henry Hill from Goodfellas, and all of my heroes were gangsters and bad guys. I don’t like them but I do have (had) a certain respect for Castro, Saddam (he died like a man) Qaddafi, Pablo Escobar, really anybody that has the balls to say, “Fuck me? Fuck me? No, fuck you!” To the greatest military might in the world. I’m not saying I like them. Not at all. I’m saying I can’t help but fell a grudging respect. And lets face it; if he’s going to hang out anywhere in the U.S. It HAS to be Jersey!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Well Jay, Johnny Mac likes hanging out with guys his own age, that's all. By all means, come join me. I'll get a hotel room that we can use as our staging point for Operation Sex for Christ. I'll have plenty of WIR, Tequila and an English to Arabic Dictionary on hand. Meet me in Hoboken. Cheers Jay!!

Scott: Who doesn't enjoy a good anti-hero? Especially one who has managed to dodge assasins and missiles while being in power for 40 years. And once again I go back to the bodyguards. Mmmmmm. Nothing like hosing a chick with a gun. Cheers Scott!!

Candice said...

Leave it to you to try and wipe out a whole group of people with your mighty peen.

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Being the patriot that I am, I gladly sacrifice everything I have to insure world peace and secure our nation's future. Cheers Candice!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...will there be bagpipe music playing whilst this "breeding" is going on?...

Lu' said...

Muammar wasn't he in that comedy about White Castle burgers HA!

Jersey doesn't want him there because they don't want to tarnish their sterling reputation ur uh yeah well if they take their money then they are going to have to deal with the stink when it comes to town for a visit.

Dianne said...

I didn't know about the guards, they're hot - talk about empowering women

when I first moved to NJ I still had NY plates on the car and I was in Englewood when some good ole American backed into my car. He blamed me, told me to go back to NY and stay there. Went on and on about how NYers were ruining the garden state - as if that's possible, it's been toxic since the 40s

so me things the Englewoodians are not such welcoming folks

on a serious note - when are these fucking pols going to stop jumping on these knee jerk, emotional, fake outrage issues!!!
no wonder nothing ever gets done

the Scots released a dying man, wow! that'll really change the world

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Well I can tell you that there will be at least one Irish Bagpipe eliciting some moaning during the conversions. Cheers P-Man!!

Lu: Ha. Very Good. And you're right...Jersye has a grea rep. Hee Hee. NJ makes Ohio look like the shining city on the hill. Cheers Pal!!

Dianne: Yo are sooooo correct. I need to feign...er...I mean, demonstrate my moral outrage over this!! say the pols. It doesn't matter that we just normalized relations with the Libyans recently. They suck!! And another thing...I think it's time to bring up the flag burning amendment again. Oy Vay!!

Fuck Em. Cheers Dianne!!

Karen said...

I like only a few miles from Englewood, NJ. I will drive down there and tell the mayor that Muammar is welcomed in the house of Bagwine. Clean off that that couch! A visitor is on his way.

Bond said...

What was the post about...I got all hung up on the long-a** title...!

If the Libyan Govt owns a home there ain't no way they can stop the Mo-Man from hangin' there...

Matt-Man said...

Karen: Thanks...Mo-Mar is more than welcome to sleep on Kelly. I can show his body guards a good time while he entertains here at the Bagwine digs. I hope you're feeling well Karen. Cheers!!

Bond: Let's see...the title, including the abbreviation of New Jersey, is like 16 words long, and that messed with your mind. Hmmmmmm? You're not a bright man, are you? Cheers Vin!!

David said...

You named your sofa Kelly? This I did not know.

Speaking of knowing things, how do you know the bodyguards are virgins? How did MumuQ verify this "knowing" of the womenfolk? I guess I should be asking my friends the Googles.

I literally LOL'ed when I read your (snarky?) comment about Bond not being very bright. Funny stuff.

I'm lovin' me some Bagwine sh!t.

Matt-Man said...

David: Yes, her name is Kelly, and I love her. I can't sleep with Schmoop because the bed she lies upon is the Devil's bed. I wake up crippled when I sleep upon it.

Allegedly, the female detail is comprised of virgins. Whteher they are or not, they are HAWT!!

Keep drinkin' the Bagwine, and as for Bond. We kid each other because we love...or something. Cheers David!!

Bond said...

You are working on getting the longest post titles in history - you know it - I know it...admit it to the world

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Hey...I have to fit searchable terms in the title. Google loves my titles. I already told you that I am making sure my site gets noticed. Even the Chicago Sun-Times loves me now. Cheers!!

Michele said...

You guys and your obsession with spreading your seed, jeeze. You would think that Maummar would have helped himself to that bunch long ago.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: In spite of his previous terroristic bent, the man has morals. I think. Cheers Michele!!

Bond said...

We always loved you when your titles were "Some kinda stuff"

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Maybe I'm the dense one because I don't know what you mean by that. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

You could have just titled it...

"I Am So Excited"

That would have gotten you plenty of traffic too.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Maybe so...but this title is working out just fine. Cheers Mick!!

Bond said...

just that we love you even if your post titles are two words long...teasing Matty-o

katherine. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt-Man said...

Kat: I know there were. Why would we want to assassinate Qadaffi? We just made up with him over the last few years. Anyway, not a big fan of political assasinations. Cheers Kat!!

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Oops...I prefer them too but I'm working on my traffic. I can't argue with the effectiviness. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

Couple of things come to mind: I'm a Jersey Girl (ha! How about that!)and I'm not terribly fond of guys that blow up planes.

Catriona Matthew recently became Scotland's first female Major champion when she won the Women's British Open. (Something about the "haggis eating tightwads" brought that to mind.)

I don't think purple is really Qaddafi's best color, do you. And is that a MOLE or another nostril?

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Yeah, the whole blowing up the plane thing is quite the blackmark against him.

And that growth is exactly why I chose this picture. Hee Hee. Cheers Rat!!

David said...

If you are so darned excited about Quaddaffi Mulamaar, why is there no boner mentioned?

If people are so thrilled about stuff.....I don't know.I've lost interest.

What the eff is this business about you not being able sleep in the same bed with Schmoop??? How do you wake up to hot morning sex if you are not even in the effing bed??

My apologies to those who tell us to rent a hotel room, I was unable to relate any of this to your buns picture.

Cheers!

Matt-Man said...

David: I just cannot sleep on that bed. It's a real crippler. For hot morning wake-up sex, we just meet in front of the coffee maker and have sex on the kitchen floor. Cheers!!

David said...

**UPDATE**

The Libyans have annouced today that MuMuQ will not be staying in NJ after all.

They are claiming he is staying in an unnamed NYC hotel but...really...we all know he is having a nice vaca in Bagwine visiting with a certain pervert known as Matt-Man...right?