Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Qaddafi, Brothers, and Fantasy Football

I have a bit of Hump Day Hodgepodge for you all today. Shall we begin? Great…

If you read Bagwine Ruminations yesterday you are aware that I talked about the residents of Englewood, New Jersey being none too pleased that Muammar Qaddafi may hold a soiree on the Libyan estate located there next month when he comes to address the United Nations.

Karen of,
Smiling Through It All, suggested in her comment to me that since she lives near Englewood, she could tell Qaddafi through Mayor Wildes that he is welcome at The House of Bagwine and that he should pay me a visit.

I thought about her comment for a second, and then said to myself:

“Damn right he’s welcome here. I’d dig the chance to meet him and his cadre of sexy, female bodyguards.”

So ladies and gentlemen…I fired off an e-mail to the Libyan Mission office at the UN. What follows is a copy of said e-mail:

Dear Diplomatic Corps of Libya,

I have read that your Leader Muammar Qaddafi will be in the U.S.A. next month to address the U.N. General Assembly.

I have also read that many people in the State of New Jersey are complaining that he may want to entertain guests at the property that the Libyan Government owns in Englewood, N. J.

I am offering you the opportunity to visit my apartment in Ohio. If you want to see how a typical American couple lives, you are more than welcome to stop by our place and stay awhile. I'll even cook for you and your bodyguards. Purrrrrr.

I have even dedicated my daily article to the ghastly non-welcome you are receiving from the residents of New Jersey. Here's the link:

If you are interested in familiarizing yourselves with "typical" Americans and being welcome at the same time, please let me know, and we'll set something up. It would be an honor and a pleasure.

I hope that you and your folks are enjoying your Ramadan season, and please let me know if we can make this visit happen.


Springfield, Ohio (phone number)

I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I hope to soon. Thanks for the idea Karen. I’ll get you an autographed picture of Muammar should he take me up on my invitation.

If you’d like to help me in my quest to bring Qaddafi to my home, you can e-mail the UN Mission of Libya at the following address:

Tell them Matt-Man is a helluva guy and a great host. Thank You.

Next item…I just found out a couple of days ago that over the last few months, that the Chicago Sun-Times has published 11 of my posts on their website. Cool, no?

The most recent one was my Palin Picnic post. Here is the link to it as it appears on the Sun-Times website:

As a demonstration of how sarcasm and sardonic wit runs in the family let me share something with you. I sent an e-mail to one of my brothers telling him about my posts appearing on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

This particular brother is a journalist by trade and had been an editor and reporter for a major newspaper for years. I thought he’d appreciate knowing this fact. His response in typical family fashion was the following:

This sez something about the state of today’s newspapers: Resorting to Bagwine to pump up circulation. But who knows? It may be the answer to the industry’s ills.

Ha…Our family is so warm, so caring, so god damn funny. His response made my day; thanks bro.

It’s almost football season folks and you know what that means? The Jay-Man has created a Fantasy Football League again this year.

I played for the first time last year and it was fun because Jay makes it easy to play.

Well, our draft is coming up Thursday so I am going to be spending today and tonight after work ranking players so I can try to draft who I want.

Last year my team did pretty well.

They had a good name too. They were called the Bagwine Boners.

This year? Based on a suggestion from my son Ryan, this year’s team has a new, more fearsome moniker. What is it, you ask?

The Jonas Brothers!! Go Team; Fight Team; Winnnnnnnn Team!!

Speaking of Ryno…He is now officially a High School Freshman. He began school yesterday, and of course, before I took him to school I had to have him pose for a picture…

I guess he hasn’t discovered what a blow dryer is yet. Good Luck to Him, and to all of you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day.



Desert Rat said...

Very cool about the Sun Times Website (I checked it out). I'm impressed!

Good luck with your draft choices. Steve plays fantasy baseball, and although he enjoys it, his team (Wilson's Willies), is in the shitter right now (along with our hockey team).

I hope you email leads to a visit from Qaddafi and his Babe Squad! I'm sure he'd enjoy dinner at the home of an atypical American.

High School Freshman!? Aaaeeeiiii!

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Thanks, I thought it was kinda cool. Maybe his team can make a late season comeback...or not.

It would be nice to at least get a response from the Libyans. And if he came here, I'd make him and his killer chicks Loosemeat Sandwiches.

Yeah...Freshman...Let's hope this year is better than last. Cheers Rat!!

David said...

Congrats about the Chic Sun Times shout out. Woo Hoo.

I'm sorry but I would be remiss if I failed to note that there is an error in the email where you are listed as living in Springfield instead of Bagwine OH. I will have to correct this before I contact the Libyan UN mission.

I think that Ryno was ignoring the value of internet searches when he advised you to abandon the use of the moniker Bagwine Boners. Hehehe...he said boners.

Jay said...

You know dude, I was with you on the whole Weather Channel/Al Roker outrage, but I don't know about risking get placed on a "pals around with terrorists" list. I mean, I'm not worried about sending an email and having to come back to bite me in the ass should I ever run for office. All the strippers and hookers from my past will be the main focus of my opponent in that case. So, that's not a problem. But, I'm just not sure if I want the orifice inspections at the airport cause my name is on the list.

Congrats on having the Sun Times steal your stuff without asking your permission and posting it on their own blogs. ;-)

Matt-Man said...

David: Since it was official correspondence I thought I'd use my official city name. Ryno had another good name as well, The Hannah Montanas. He's a funy guy. Cheers David!!

Jay: You should re-consider. Chicks dig a troubled man with a shadowy past. And the Sun-Times? They must be in contact with Conan O'Brien and they all use my stuff. Here's to Frank Gifford. Cheers Jay!!

Michele said...

I noticed that the Sun-Times printed this at the top and bottom of your post. "The views expressed in these blog posts are those of the author and not of the Chicago Sun-Times." Awesome! Purely awesome.

I doubt Qaddafi and crew will be able to pass up that heartfelt invitation. And, if you need some non-pork recipes when Qaddafi comes a-visiting let me know.

Micky-T said...

Matt-Man pours a glass of humor everyday

Don't they know Bagwine when they see it?

Congratulations, I think. Is this how it works out before YOU start making money from your writing?
Everyone who knows good writing skills steals lines from you until you get so popular they back off. Is that how it works?

Matt-Man said...

Michele: I wear that disclaimer like a badge of honor. I will definitely get a hold of you shuld he attend. Hell, you can even swing by whip up couscous dishes for him and his well aremd harem if you'd like. Cheers Michele!!

Micky: I hope that's how it works out. I noticed at the same time that Reuters News Service has used three of my posts as well over the same period. Eh, maybe things will start shaking for me. Cheers Mick!!

Michele said...

Definitely a Badge of Honor.

That would be fun. An old terrorist leader and a librarian. Sounds like a "B" movie title. I could show him my tattoo.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha. Tattoo? What kind of tattoo does a librarian get? My mind is filled with so many images right now.

As for the movie? I have a couple of titles that come to mind:

When Muammar Met Michele

Periodical Love

The Do Me Decimal System

Muammar, Michele, and Late Fee Makes Three

Cheers Michele!!

Dana said...

Ha! You act like the Sun-Times is a *real* paper :D

That is totally cool, but next time I want it in a paper that isn't printed in the same format as the National Enquirer!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Well you can blame the Enquirer style publishing to FOX News' Rupert Murdoch who has since sold it, and the Sun-Times has filed for bankruptcy, but if the website has over 300,000 hits a day much like the circulation of their paper, why should I care? Cheers Dana!!

Karen said...

Do you have room for the tent for Momar's harem?

Way to go Ryno! He is in the big time now.

Michele said...

How about:

Muammar Among the Stacks

Circulation Recreation

Librarian Access Services (sounds x-rated)

Muammar vs the Librarian

I'll let you use your imagination about my tattoo; where and what. Let's just say; "Go Cougs" has a whole other meaning at our house.

Dianne said...

real men let their hair dry naturally

Happy High School Ryno!

I'm so proud of you Matty - Chicago folks don't read any old crap, they read good crap

Matt-Man said...

Karen: No, no room for a tent. I'll move all of the furniture out, throw bed sheets on the floor, and squeeze us all together as tightly as possible. Perhaps oil will be involved.

He's in the big time alright, and he better step his academic efforts up now. Cheers and Thanks for the idea Karen!!

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Circulation Recreation, and Librarian Access Services...You vixen, you. Mmmmmmm, I can see a hungry cougar with his mouth open inked upon a very undisclosed part of your body. Just tell me I am right so as not to destroy my vision. Cheers!!

Dianne: I know I let mine naturally but then again I comb whats left of my hair with a towel.

Thank you for acknowledging that I don't just write crap; I write the best damn crap in the opinion of the Windy City. Cheers Sexy!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...very cool on the newspaper thing! And, as your agent, I kept the agreed-upon eighty percent, and am forewarding you your twenty cents...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Was that a mutual agreement? Or, was that just you? Either way, it's nice to know that you are looking out for my financial interests. It's very sweet of you. Cheers P-Man!!

Candice said...

I just want to let you know that Bagwine boners was brilliant.

That's all.

Matt-Man said...

Candice: Of course it was brilliant, because I am always thinking with my um...head. Cheer sCandice!!

Bond said...

If they are just using your stuff, where does that equate to your making money...???

Time you ask them to let you write a column for them FOR REAL MONEY

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Eh...If one is doing what one likes and is good at it, and I'm getting exposure, the money will come.

Patience is not only a virtue, but an investment as well. Hey...that was pretty good. Quote me on that everyone. Cheers Vin!!

Lu' said...

What an uplifting lilting post today. At least I thought so. I will scope the newpaper link :) Ya know if you do get MQ to the digs, get him drunk and pick the butt ugly mole off his face will ya. Just a thought.

Lu' said...

RE: the newspaper link, right the fuck on Buddy.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: Maybe if I duct tape it heat it up and then'll pop off. Right the fuck back atcha buddy. Cheers Lu!!

Desert Songbird said...

Print media is dead. It's all about the digital now, baby.

What's a blow dryer? I think Ryno looks cool.

Starrlight said...

The UK really screwed the pooch letting the Lockerbie dude go free as I am pretty sure all that press is adding to all the dramz around Mr. Q.

He should totally go by Mr. Q cause he is the Mid East version of Mr. T.

Oh yeah and I am back and have my Green Day concert review up. Kidlet and I got into the soundcheck!!

Matt-Man said...

Songbird: Well my posts don't appear in their print paper just on their online "paper". I want his shaved. Cheers!!

Starr: Ha. I was going to refer to him as Mr. Q. Oooo Weeeee Ooooo. I can't wait to hear all about your guys debut. Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

He's just so...A Team ya know? I mean he seems more Hannibal but looks more MR T.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: He's a Libyan Desert Rock Star. Cheers!!