Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Sarah Palin: Getting Divorced? I Smell Something Fishy

Upon Gov. Sarah Palin being chosen to be John McCain’s running mate nearly a year ago, the internets became rife with rumors about her.

There were rumors going around that perhaps Trig was not her child but rather was the offspring of her daughter, Bristol.

Recently, a “journalist” named Jesse Griffin who authors a blog called, The Immoral Minority claimed that he had discovered that Gov. Palin and her husband were going to get divorced.

I have never been one to participate in the rumor mill. I have enough actual grist in my head, and of course, I would never participate in promulgating unsubstantiated crap.

However, being the iconic purveyor of truth that I am, when a naked verisimilitude falls into my lap, I must herald it…no matter how distasteful. I have information that is shocking…

While Bristol, Willow, Trig, Tangent, and Co-Secant or whatever, are her kids, Sarah Palin is getting a divorce. The reason?

Sarah Palin is a Lesbian!!

Damn right. I have a well-placed source who is very, very close to me, the Matt-Man, who has passed this scandalous information on to me so that I could share it with the world.

My source has inside information which builds the evidentiary foundation upon which Palin’s gay lifestyle is built.

Consider this…She hunts and guts moose like a man. She wears hip waders without regard for her appearance like a man.

In High School she played basketball. I am told by my source that more than the game itself, Palin loved the post-game locker room nakedness with her female teammates…alot.

When playing for the High School girl’s B-Ball team she had a nickname. Sarah Barracuda. And my friends, what do barracudas eat? That’s right…other fish. See the pisces...er...pieces coming together?

I am told by my shadowy source that Palin developed a new nickname as she grew into adulthood. Most church going folks call her Sarah “The Beauty Queen” Palin, but...

All of the hip, gay chicks who hang out at the Valley Lanes Bowling Center in Wasilla, Alaska refer to her as, Sarah “The Scissors Queen” Palin.

And both the feminine and butch bowling chicks alike, say that she can really cut a rug…and they ain’t talkin’ about dancing, my friends.

Oh sure, she married Todd “Clueless Dude” Palin, spit some kids out, and sang Onward Christian Soldiers in the church choir. That was for the perfect family look that would help her get elected to office. But…

All the while she has been getting naked with busty babes, cursing her reproductive organs, and singing along to Melissa Etheridge and K.D. Lang CDs.

There nothing wrong with being a lesbian. In fact, knowing that she gets it on with other women makes me kinda hot, but it’s time to come out of the igloo closet.

If this gets read by Palin, I am sure her spokeswoman (uh-huh, spokesWOMAN), Meg Stapleton, who I bet has seen Sarah naked a time or two or a hundred, will go on Facebook or Twitter and deny it.

Do what you will ladies. Unlike that pussy Jesse Griffin who tried to post his divorce accusations anonymously, I am Matt-Man; hear me roar.

I know what you’re thinking folks

“Aren’t you afraid of being quasi-threatened with a lawsuit from Palin like Jesse Griffin was after publishing his claim that she was getting divorced?”

No my friends, I am not. I have the truth on my side. I have well-placed voices talking to me. Most importantly…

I know it’s true because number one, I believe it…and number two?

I’m Matt-Man, Bitch.

Cheers!!

34 comments:

Michele said...

So, those are the voices in your head, right?

A...hhhhhh...can I say that I hate Sarah Palin so much that even if this blog post was in indisputable fact I still wouldn't feel bad for her. Her kids, maybe. Her never.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: A good reporter never discloses his or her sources. I cannot tell you from where the voice and info come, only that it's are loud and clear. Hee Hee. Cheers Michele!!

People in the Sun said...

She's been spotted driving a Volvo!

Jay said...

I also hear that she has become a vegan and shops at an organic market in San Francisco.

Matt-Man said...

PITS: Ha. Boxy but safe. Cheers!!

Jay: San Fran, eh? Maybe she is trying to make the moves on my favorite GILF, Nancy Pelosi. Cheers Jay!!

Micky-T said...

You must be right.

I just noticed a secret message in this comment from an admirer. If you take all the first letters, mix them up into a typical word salad as we know Palin loves to do, it says Sarah Is A Lesbian.

A fervent admirer of Sarah Palin describes his idol:

"Sarah is unique. She doesn't fit a pattern nor any particular role. She is Ambitious, Beautiful and Brilliant, Considerate, Dedicated, Exciting, Faithful, Godly, Hard-working, Inspiring, Jubilant, Kind, Loving, Magnanimous, Noble, Optimistic, Prudent, Quick, Respectable, Strong, Tenacious, Unfaltering, Valiant, Winsome, and she has Zeal.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, she is so much more."

Matt-Man said...

Micky: First of all...Your powers and skillz in cryptology are masterful.

Secondly...Whoever made that comment should have His/Her head examined and/or make an appearance in front of the feared and dreaded:

OBAMA DEATH PANEL...

Cheers Mick!!

Desert Rat said...

Trig, Tangent, and Co-Secant...

You kill me, really!

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Ha. Well, I don't want to kill ya. I just want to make you lust after me. Cheers Rat!!

Dana said...

Wouldn't a defamation lawsuit make for wonderful blog fodder??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Dana, that would make me with weep with joy, shout with glee, and and give me a raging hard-on.

And I think people who know me, would be so happy to know that I finally managed to get my woody to go from flaccid to flexing. Cheers!!

Desert Rat said...

I've always had a weakness for a superior intellect!

Bond said...

I have pictures of her in the dunes of Fire Island in the middle of a daisy-chain of 30 women...

You want the photos, ya gotta pay

Matt-Man said...

Desert Rat: Really? So tell me...Who is this person with the superior intellect for whom you are weak. 'Cause I don't think I fit that profile. Cheers Rat!!

Bond: Pay for those pics? Ha my friend, I have hot, Sarah-on-Chick video. Being the kind soul that I am, I'll send it to you free for your bachelor party. Cheers Vinny!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...a lesbian and a gutted moose walk into a bar.....

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. Henny Bondo, Ladies and Gentlemen. Cheers p-Man!!

Dianne said...

I hesitate to disagree but I feel I must ...

Sarah would want me to speak out.

She is not a leabian

She fucks moose and wolves and then kills them before they can go to the press.

Desert Rat said...

Mr. Spock, of course! (But you do make my "Top Ten" list!)

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Ya Know...That is just the kind of loose with the truth left wing bullshit we can do without Mizz Di.

She enjoys muff diving not beastiality, however beastiality is exactly why chicks wanna get naked with her. Cheers Sexy!!

Desert Rat: Spock Rocks...And if I have at least made your Top Ten list, I guess I can rest well at night. See you in my dreams. Cheers Rat!!

David said...

I think she was wearing that stripper-pole-worthy blue & leather outfit (pic 1) when she went to the dealer shopping for a Lesbaru...er, her Subaru Forrester - it is the flagship vehicle of the lesbian community you know.

VE said...

Jesus, next thing you'll be telling us is that Chuck Norris is gay and that the Coke Classic vs. New Coke thing was staged. I can't take it...

Matt-Man said...

David: Yeah it was an outfit that just goes against my moral grain. I hate tight leather skirts onn a chick. Cheers David!!

VE: I can't help it. The truth is the truth no matter how painful it may be. I don't enjoy spreading it. It's my job. Cheers!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I’m loving the first official day of your blogs answer to Fox news and Beck/Limbaugh! That picture that you found of her is making me have some questions about my own sexuality. If she’s the butch lesbian, then does what I’m feeling right now make me a wannabe lipstick lesbian? Now I’m more confused than ever! So where did you get the photo?
You may be on to something though, I’ve seen the way she looks at Todd. No love. I still think if I could just get one date with her though, I could revert her back to men, as well as make her a card carrying member of the ACLU, PETA and Teamsters 250. I just need a shot!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Scott, Scott, Scott...Didn't you see Elaine try to make a guy switch teams on Seinfeld? Sure it may last for a couple of times, but it never takes for good. Cheers Scott!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...The Iconic Purveyors Of Truth...

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Yes, P-Man...I know. Cheers!!

David said...

Scott - it is entirely possible that you, sir, are a lesbian trapped in a man's body. It happens you know. Do you like boobs? Do you like pussy?

Now, just go think about your answers young man.

Matt-Man said...

David: You are such a deep thinker. You amaze me. Cheers David!!

Lu' said...

Palin, I got nothin'.

Matt-Man said...

Lu: That's okay...neither does she. Cheers Lu!!

Starrlight said...

KD Lang and Melissa Etheridge, eh. Shit I can't even like this bitch as a lez-bean. No Tori Amos? No Indigo Girls? No 4 Non Blondes? Phht.

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Well hell Starr. She can't do anything else well, why should she do well at being a lesbian? I loooove 4 Non Blondes. Cheers!!

katherine. said...

I'm ever so tired of hearing about her...at least you make me laugh

Matt-Man said...

Kat: Ha...I am too, but as I do, some people find her funny. Cheers Kat!!