Monday, August 10, 2009

Billy Mays: I Dug The Awesome Auger, But I Needed An Awesome Buzz

It’s Monday Bitches, so let’s catch up on something in the news that was reported late Friday. Maybe you were busy drinking and whoring around over the weekend and missed it.

The Hillsborough County (FL.) Coroner’s office has concluded their autopsy of that Pitch Man of Pandemonium, Billy Mays, and has discovered…

There was cocaine, prescription painkillers, anti-anxiety drugs, and a few drinks in his system at the time of death.

They went on to say that cocaine use led to his ticker having Mighty, Mighty Heart Disease, which was listed as the cause of death.

But that’s not all, folks…

His wife, Deborah, is outraged by the findings of the Coroner’s office. She denies any drug use, and says that the autopsy report was, “speculative…and unnecessary.”

She says that her husband was a victim of chronic, untreated hypertension.

Um...I understand that she is grieving, but is she saying that while Billy Mays was receiving prescriptions for pain and anxiety, the doctor or doctors treating him left his high blood pressure unchecked?

C’mon now....

Hippocratic oath aside, if the docs could throw one more drug into him in the form of blood pressure medication and get a return on it, they would have gladly done that.

I don’t care how fun loving, hard working, and affable someone may seem…We all have our demons. It can be unfortunate…It can be detrimental, but it’s human, and it’s okay.

I do bring this news item up for another reason. I want some kudos from the general public. During the initial bemoaning of Mr. Mays’ death, I while a fan, took a more jaded approach to his eternal expiration.

In my post of June 29th, the day after his death, I wrote the following:

“Here’s to Billy Mays who passed away yesterday. As of this writing, the cause of death is unknown, but I’m thinking that he OD’d from snorting too much OxiClean and either his heart or his head went Kaboom!

No matter what happened, there isn’t enough Mighty Putty in the world to fix him.”

That’s right folks…The death of Billy Mays may not have directly involved OxiClean, but he was sure as hell snorting something…and I called it.

On second thought, maybe it was “OxiClean” that he was snorting because after all, can one spell OxiClean without using the letters that appear in the word, “cocaine”?

Maybe the FDA should consider looking into exactly what is in that powerful cleanser.

And maybe, you should say to me:

“Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius.”



David said...

I wonder if the report was “speculative…and unnecessary” because it would put the life insurance payout in jeopardy?

Well, maybe she's just trying to protect his memory.

Jay said...

I've seen a number of people express shock and disappointment at the news of Mays having cocaine in his system. But, what the hell. We've all done a line or two off a strippers ass haven't we?

And oh yeah, Matt-Man, you are a a fucking genius.

That was surprisingly easier to type than I thought it would be. ;-)

Starrlight said...

Yup it was Oxy something he was pimping. More along the lines of OxyContin ;)

Scott Oglesby said...

Hahahaha. But wait, there’s more! Little known fact: Everyone that is from Pittsburgh, or has ever lived there is a drug addict. I should know, I lived there for the first 28 years of my life. Remember Mr. Rogers? –Hardcore Junkie; why do you think he was so skinny and mellow, and always had the sweaters. Danny Marino could have painted the lines on Pitt Stadium with what fell out of his nose. Arnold Palmer was always hitting the green in more than one way. Remember the Pirate teams of the late 70's and early 80’s? I could go on and on. I’m telling you the whole city!

Billy Mays was from McKees Rocks; he was a SUPER DUPER drug addict. . He smoked crack out of a catalytic converter.
He didn’t just use a needle when he shot up, he used a Hercules needle straight into his eyeball. Anyway, I’m glad I got out of there! RIP Billy!

Matt-Man said...

David: Ah yes. Protecting his legacy and her future earnings. Cheers David!!

Jay: I always did crack off of the ass of strippers. Hee Hee, you're funny. Cheers Jay!!

Starr: He was just trying to stay up for his ad appearances. Cheers Starr!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: A thing about Mister Rogers he fun to watch while I'm on drugs as well. And yeah, the Pirates were a partying bunch. Have a wunnerful day, Scott. Cheers!!

Dianne said...

Matty you are a fucking genius

apparently the latest fashion is to question the autopsy

MJ wasn't in a living coma

the Mom who was drunk and high didn't have a problem when she killed 8 people on the Taconic

and Billy talked like that due to his training at the Actor's Workshop

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Oh stop, you.

Well the backlash going on against the findings of Coroners is a long time coming.

After all, most Coroners become Coroners because they have always wanted to fabricate the cause of death of people. They have so much to gain from filing a false report...I guess. Cheers Di!!

Dana said...

Oh wouldn't it be nice if one could pick and choose which parts of their life they want to be accountable for? I think no less of Billy Mays knowing he didn't bump his head during flight turbulence and then drop dead the next day ... although that would have been a cool story to tell the grand kids!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Ha. Although I guess he wouldn't be the one telling it.

When are people, specifically, those who have lost someone gonna realize that nobody is perfect?

It doesn't make the one passing any less or more great by acknowledging that they had flaws. Cheers Dana!!

Bond said...

All lies...Jack LaLanne beat the crap out of Mays and that is what I believe.

I am the f**king genius - nuff said

Micky-T said...

I never thought a single thing about that guy other than he was that bearded guy. And to me, beards gain a little respect, they were meant to be.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...what in the name of All That Is Holy is Mic talking about???...

Matt-Man said...

Bond: Keep telling yourself thta. Cheers Vinny!!

Micky:'re saying that Rasputin was the go to guy? Cheers MIck!!

Phfrankie: He's very deep. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky-T said...

No, I said beards were meant to be. Do you shave your crotch or your legs? I respect the fact that a man grows the hair on his face that was meant to grow. That's all.

Does that work for you too Phfrankie?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Toenails and Fingernails were meant to grow too, but to allow them to do so unfettered is just gross. Chers Mick!!

Micky-T said...

Come on, apples and oranges.

Beards and heads are trimmed, as are toenails.

What some might find gross is that some of us can't be bothered with fancy cutting tools, yes, I tear off my toenails with my pocket knife.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...Too much information! I feel like I have to take a shower now and wash all the DNA off me....

Bond said...

toenails and beards and oxiclean - oh my

Matt-Man said...

Micky: I bite my toenails off...I'm very flexible. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie: Make sure you scrub all the nooks and crannies. DNA can hide. Cheers!!

Bond: The Unholy Trinity. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

The Unholy Trinity. Cheers!!

Thanks man, for as good a laugh as I've had in a long time.

“Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius.”

VE said...

Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius.

I'll add my own two cents to the whole debacle...

I think it was directly related to the curvature of the tip of his thumb. That's a bit disturbing...

Andy said...

Billy Mays is, perhaps, the most recognized voice at outlet malls across the nation. Any store that sells "You Saw This Crap on TV" has his info/drug dealing/crack injecting videos/8-track tapes, playing in the background. I'm a big fan. When I heard his voice I immediately went for my credit card because, hey, lets face it, who doesn't need more onion cutters or hair fake spray (different hack?) or shammies. I'm sad on his passing as a man of 50 should not die of heart disease. I'm sure the folks of Appalachia will need to find another place to buy Xmas gifts this year.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. Anytime my good man. I'm sure you will enjoy Tuesday's expose. It features your favorite former Governor. Cheers Mick!!

VE: Ha...Holy Crap...YOU'RE the genius. Cheers VE!!

Andy: You're on a comedic roll of late. It must be all of the crack induced background music you've been hearing. Cheers Andy!!

katherine. said... are a fucking genius

wouldn't you rather be a genius fucking?


Addiction said...

Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius!

drugs mess everything up. Michael Jackson died because of the same thing. He was a crack head.