Tuesday, September 29, 2009

CultureFest: Eat, Drink, and Learn...But Watch Out For Flying Burritos, Brutha

This past Saturday, the Annual CultureFest was held in Bagwine, aka Springfield, Ohio.

It is a day when unique groups of people in our lovely city come together and listen to different types of bands, chow down on ethnic foods, and celebrate the distinct and divergent patches upon the quilt of humanity.

I truly enjoy it, especially the food and drink. This year was no exception. The children were laughing…the bands were playing, people were dancing…and the food vendors were once again top notch.

The Jamaicans were jerking their chickens. The Greeks were putting their special sauce into everyone’s gyro. There were offerings of German metts, Polish pierogies, and Italian calzones.

This year, a favorite local watering hole, Murphy’s Irish Pub set up a booth and were selling their locally renown, Famine Burger.

Yes, the Famine Burger, folks…It’s a hearty sandwich made with boiled potatoes, sheep shit, and anger, served between two pieces of month old Irish Soda Bread. Yum-O’!!

There was a bit of a hiccup in the joy and jocularity of the event, however.

The dim bulb for the city who was in charge of deciding which food vendor set up where, put Loco Pablo’s Taquiera, next to Hot Rod Lincoln’s Down Home BBQ.

In case you were unaware, as the person in charge obviously was, Mexicans and Blacks don’t get along much of the time. They mix together about as well as oil and water, or in this case…Pig Fat and Jheri Curl Moisturizer.

I don’t know who started what or what was said by whom, but violence erupted between the cooks of those two establishments.

Fortunately, the altercation was no more than a glorified food fight. There were tacos, ham hocks, refried beans, and pulled pork flying everywhere.

After this International incident I spoke with my buddy and owner of the BBQ joint, Leon D. Lincoln, or as he’s know around here, LDL Cholester-Hell, and asked him what happened.
He said…

"I don’t fuckin’ know Matt-Man. One second I’m telling’ Hank to sauce the chickens, and then BAM!!

All I know is that gettin’ hit upside da head by an overstuffed burrito hurts like a muthafuckah. I hadn’t been hurt like that since the day my mama smacked me in da nuts with a red hot fireplace poker."

I found LDL’s burrito story surprising. Not so much by the amount of pain that a burrito can inflict, but I just never thought black people had fireplaces. I guess I learned something at the Culture Fest. Anyhoo…

After the ruckus, um…deruckified…There was a commotion over at the Albanian food tent. Seems those Aegean assholes were cooking up their Rakia Brandy when their 55 gallon drum of propylene glycol fell over and spilled.

Quickly, the Springfield PD and County Haz-Mat professionals responded and sealed off the vaporous contamination by putting up impervious, yellow caution tape.

People being the curious lot that they are, tried to get through the plastic barrier, but that is when our beloved Mayor, Mayor Copeland stepped in.

Mayor Copeland…or as I call him, Dr. Zaius...While donning his I Heart Springfield T-Shirt, held up his hand and with his bellowing voice and simian features, repelled the interlopers by proclaiming…

"You mustn’t go into the Forbidden Zone!!"

The crowd obeyed, went back to drinking, and a Polka band broke into a rousing rendition of The Pennsylvania Polka.

And that’s the way it was at this year’s CultureFest…I can hardly wait until next year.

Cheers!!

32 comments:

Starrlight said...

Special sauce :P

How did you know that was what the sheep called it?

;)

David said...

It all sounds quite festive, I must say. So sorry I missed it.

Annoyingly, the fact-checker embedded deep within my psyche would note that the Irish famine was a result of the potato shortage due to root fungus or some such that I really didn't pay enough attention to in school. Anyhoo – technically I suspect the famine burger shouldn't have boiled potatoes if it is celebrating/commemorating the Irish famine. Now maybe if they are talking Somali famines, they could assume that western nations had shipped in truck loads of modern-day dehydrated potato flakes…despite how unlikely it is an Irish pub would be celebrating African famines.

Sometimes I hate myself for being so anal on such details. Oh well.

Cheers Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

Starr: I dated a Greek chick once. She let me in on all of your deep, dark secrets. Cheers Starr!!

David: C'mon David...The ingredients of the Famine Burger, much like the colors of the Irish flag are spot on.

Potatoes symbolize the crop failure. Sheep shit symbolizes what that had to live on, and anger is the result of it all.

Cheers David!!

katherine. said...

very hometown of you....no video of you and schmoop doing the polka?

smile

Matt-Man said...

Kat: No, not even one of us doing The Chicken Dance. However, if I had shot a video of me furiously correcting all of the mistakes in this post in the last few minutes it would have been quite humorous.

Cheers Kat!!

Scott Oglesby said...

Sounds like a good time had by all! I love ethnic foods. In the neighborhood I grew up in, in Pgh I had Italian friends, Irish friends, polish friends, black friends, and one Brazilian friend. I’d try to eat at a different friend’s house every night of the week. It was bliss. As a result I can now cook most of those foods pretty well.

Even living on St. Pete Beach in Florida, I would drive into the always homicidal, extremely dangerous St. Petersburg south side just to get the ribs they cook out of half a steel drum. Mmm.

Matt-Man said...

Scott: So let me get this right...You grew up feeding off the kindness and food of others. Interesting.

St. Pete Beach, I dig it so. I wen tto a wedding there some 20 years ago. Stayed a week and had a frickin' blast. Here's to the Swig Wam Bar at the hotle we stayed. Cheers Scott!!

Michele said...

Damn it! I missed all the fun. JR and I love festivals of all kinds and this one would have been right up our alley. JR would have especially loved the Irish Pub food being the mick that he is.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...did your mayor have the foresight to book the Flying Burrito Brothers this year?...

Micky-T said...

No Beer Mine Booth this year?

Cheesy said...

Too funny...

Matt-Man said...

Michele: You guys would have had a blast. A good time was had by all...except for LDL. Cheers Michele!!

Phfrankie: Hee Hee. I thought my title was so damn clever. Cheers P-Man!!

Micky: Lord no. That would require work. Cheers Mick!!

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: Ha. Why thank you, Cheese. Cheers!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...by God, you're title IS clever. I, however, allowed it to fly right over my head...

Dianne said...

my town would have a food festival but it's really hard finding 10 different varieties of white bread

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Where were the Amish in all of this?

Matt-Man said...

Phfrankie: Ha. That's even funnier. Cheers P-Man!!

Dianne: You could always get a toaster and use different settings of doneness. Cheers Di!!

Fantasy: They were well represented. They churned all of the butter used for the food vendors and were selling their snappy hand made clothing. Cheers Meg!!

Marsha said...

It sounds absolutely awesome. I wish our little podunk would lift their liquor bans during our celebrations. I expect they'd be far more entertaining.

Matt-Man said...

Marsha: It actually is a good time, and seriously, even with beer and wine sales, there aren't any more problems that go on on a "normal" day. Thanks for the comment and Cheers, Marsha!!

Bond said...

So, next year invite your friends and we can set up a booth and all throw something into the pot and cover it with Bagwine and see what we gets....

Matt-Man said...

Bond: I like that. We can call it, "Primordial Stew". Of course, we'll have to offer Loosemeat Sandiwches as well. Mmmmmmm, Loosemeat. Cheers Vinny!!

Jay said...

I'm totally coming up there and attending this thing next year. We might end up in jail, but it will be worth it dude.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha...It would be a blast having you up here for the Fest. The people watching opportunities are equaled only by sitting in an airport bar. It's a hoot. Cheers Jay!!

Dana said...

But was there an accordion anywhere?? It's just not the culture without a squeezebox!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: Well, c'mon...I mentioned the German Band. Those Nazis were squeezin' the piss out of the accordion. Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

I'm liking the idea of bloggers meeting up for this next year. We'll all come into town and be a roaming band of gypsy bloggers. Then we'll take over some bar for the night. Is it a plan?????

Bond said...

That is AFTER wee meet in Atlanta...

ATLANTA Matty...you come down and meet us FIRST

Matt-Man said...

Micky: It's a date Mick. I'll start stocking the Rose now. Cheers!!

Bond: What's in Atlanta...I mean, other than good diners? Cheers!!

Starrlight said...

Dude! Sent you the email. We are doing Blogfest 2010 in Hotlanta. Vinny is working on a logo and I am setting up a Facebook group. Date is up in the air right now but it will be summer. Hotlanta is central the Southern folks in addition to being my true home =)

Matt-Man said...

Starr: Oooooohhhhhhh Thaaaaaat. Gotcha. Cheres!!

Clay Perry said...

blogfest in atlanta? why thats only 30 miles from here... hmmm

Matt-Man said...

Clay: Get a hold of Starr. She's running the show!! Cheers Clay!!