Just Like Rep. Anthony Weiner and Megan Broussard, Lives in Bagwine Are Forever Changed

Hi Kidz...Schmoop here...

I have lived in the fair city of Bagwine Ohio my entire life. Indeed, I was born at the very hospital that sits across the street from my apartment.

Bagwine is not a small town, nor a metropolis by any means…It’s somewhere in the middle, I guess.

When I was growing up, everybody in the neighborhood knew everybody else. Granted, that’s not always a good thing when one is a kid trying to get away with something, but it was kind of comforting.

All of us rugrats would run through yards, raise havoc, and stay out ‘til dark when invariably someone’s mom (or dad if one didn’t listen the first three times…Beth!!) would call us in.

Bagwine had and still does have, a small town atmosphere. 

Although geographically, the city has grown by leaps and bounds over my forty plus years, many places that a person needs to get to are still within walking distance.

Some would say that that is a good thing. More business…more people…more “stuff”. To me…

It’s simply, more motherfucking headaches.

Neighbors don’t know each other any longer. Kids are surly, and…they ALL have cell phones. Everyone is afraid of everyone and everything else…Oy!!

But things aren’t all bad in Bagwine. We will soon have a newer and bigger hospital. We already have a bigger and better High School, and we have four bazillion fast food restaurants.

Big…Hairy…Balls…No One Cares.

I’m sure Bagwine is like many other cities, and there is no sense bitching about it. I guess the young whippersnappers call it progress, but as for me and my town, I think it blows.

So, my friends…I’ve become a nasty old curmudgeon, so what!?

Hey!!? Hey!!? You kids with the cell phones and bad attitudes…Get off my God Damn Lawn!!

Lastly…Make sure you listen to the I’m With Stupid show that Jay and Matt-Man did yesterday, it was one of their best ones evah.
 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Verrrrry Funny, and with your listens, it will hit Number One this week, as it should be.!!

See you tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zoooooves!!

Finally!! It's Summertime in Bagwine!!

After a month and a half of cold, shitty weather, the forecast for this weekend in Bagwine, Ohio is calling for temps near the 80 Degree mark, and...

My mood is slowly thawing out and improving.

Sure, I'll be working the Beer Mine most of the weekend, but that's fine, because warmth has finally come to Bagwine.

Along with the explosion of warmer weather comes the proliferation of summertime type events.

People throughout the Greater Bagwine Metroplex will finally be able to enjoy a myriad of warm clime, fun time activities... 

Some folks will hit the diamonds and play some baseball...

Others will hit the local lake at the state park and drown some worms...

The local state park also has great camping facilities that will surely be utilized this weekend...

Others may opt to simply stay home and enjoy the weather and a casual cookout with friends...

I know what Schmoop likes to do when it finally heats up.  She likes to find an opening in the time/space continuum, travel back to 1984, and go tubin' down the Mad River...

This is all exciting stuff for the denizens of our little burg, however, there is something even more exciting that happens when the weather heats up 'round here.

I not only work the Beer Mine while wearing no underwear, I begin to show off my incredibly sexy, massive, Adonis-like legs...

Uh-Huh...Try to calm down, O ladies of Bagwine; my legs will be showin' for a few months to come, so pace yourselves.

Yep.  It's summertime, and the Matt-Man is easy.

Cheers!!

Happy Friday, Big Boy....I'm Stayin' Home

Happy Friiiiiiday Chuckleheads!!

The greater Bagwine Metroplex is in shut down mode. The five inches of snow have left the Gotham of Ohio in a state of comatosis…Well, yeah it’s a word now ya bastards!!

The roads are covered in snow and ice. The schools are closed. Schmoop took a vacation day.

(Although I think Schmoop took the day off not because of the icy roads, but rather so she could stay home, drink beer, and have hot sex with me, and really…can ya blame her? Of course not.)

I really have nothing of worth to say today, and yes I know, many of you are saying that that is the case every day, but felt like checking in. It’s what I do. It’s all I do. I have no job!!

Anyhoo…

Jayman and I had a pretty good show last night. We discussed unemployment, the upcoming SOTU address, and we even played one of Kim Fragile’s outtakes:



(to listen, click where the player says, "twaudio")

We were also first, fast, an factual with today’s school closings. As stated last night and coming to fruition this morning, The Chappie James Academy and Mulligan Stew Academy are indeed closed today. God we’re good!!

If you’re snowed in today or perhaps just need to kill some time before you begin your weekend, you can listen to our show utilizing the handy dandy BTR player:

If you can, just listen to a couple of minutes so Jay and I can have I’m With Stupid race up the ratings charts. We have nothing else to live for. So c’mon…throw us a bone.

That’s all I have. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend filled with lots of alcohol and plenty of sex.

Until next time my friends…

Cheers!!

Bagwine, Ohio: Death From Above

This is it folks. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

This could very well be my last post ever.

For this time tomorrow there could very well be an inch or two of snow accumulation already on the ground with another four or five inches to fall through Wednesday morning.

If I can, I will set up my shortwave and try to communicate with you that way. Of course, batteries can only power my radio unit for a few hours.

After my radio goes dead, the only way I will be able to communicate with you will be through the power of prayer.

In that case, I hope you will harness my supplications from the winter winds of the astral plane and hold Schmoop and I close to your hearts.

While the white death remains some 16-20 hours away, the warning sirens, in the form of speakers sounding, “Clean up Aisle 5.” and “Frozen pizzas need re-stocked in Aisle 12.”, are already shattering the calm of this anxious Monday morning.

The grocery stores are clamoring, filled with the nervous, unwashed masses:


Upon a closer look, many of the denizens of Bagwine are making sure that no one gets in their way as they make certain that their family has food to eat during this crisis:


Sadly, much like during the tribulation and the Second Coming of Christ, even children will be among those left behind:


Schmoop and I will take in those who we can.

Well, we would…I mean unless she stays home tomorrow and we eat, drink, and have blizzard sex all day, but it will be with heavy heart for those left behind, that we will do so.

I must go now, for I must prepare for the impending doom. Wish us well, for Mother Nature and the crazy bitches reaching for the last loaf of bread take no prisoners.

Until tomorrow, should God deem it so, I bid you as always…

Cheers!!

Death...It Creeps Upon Us in the Form of a Frozen, White Tortise

Brace yourself, Bitches!! Snow is coming to Bagwine, Ohio.

Not just any snow…it could be as much as a few inches. Our situation here in the burg, is one of panic, chaos, and hopelessness.

Mothers are grocery shopping. Fathers and Baby Daddies are drinking. Little ones are weeping.

My full Monday post and the level of inhumanity perpetuated cannot be well-written until I get an accurate forecast as to the amount of snow we will be getting, so…

I will have to wait until Monday morning.

A thousand pardons…and as always,

Cheers!!

Dana Does Bagwine!!

My quasi blogcation is winding down. I have thoroughly enjoyed just phoning it in this week.

That will change next week as we work our way toward the big 4th of July weekend. And my 4th of July week will kick off with a bang Saturday night.

Why is that, you ask? Well, let me tellz yuz.

Saturday evening, Bagwine buddy Dana will be pulling into Bagwine, Ohio…at the Beer Mine no less.

(And hopefully, she'll be right side up when she gets here, but I digress...)

That’s right sports fans, The Unsinkable Dana Brown will be in town from Saturday evening ‘til Monday morning.

I know. Dana’s last name isn’t Brown, but it reads better than saying Dana Jones-Smith-Carter-Woodward-Etc-Etc-Ad Infinitum. Hee Hee.

Anyhoo…

The lovely Dana will be staying with Schmoop, Corky, and myself. When you include Corky, I’ll be living with three chicks for the weekend.

It’s like a sitcom and the working title is, “Three Pussies and an Asshole.” or if you prefer, “Four Tits and a Dickhead.”

I can read the preview now...

Hilarity ensues when a chick from the Chicagoland area plants herself in Bagwine, Ohio for a day and half.

Join the antics of Dana, Schmoop, and Matt-Man as bodily fluids are exchanged, Corky gets shaved, and a grease fire breaks out due to a Loosemeat Sandwich accident. Saturday on NBC.

I can’t wait to meet her after all this time.

We’re all very excited about her visit. Well, all of us but Corky. Corky doesn’t like change of any kind. Other than thunderstorms, nothing freaks her out more. But, she’ll survive.

Dana will also have the honor of sleeping on Kelly.

I hope she appreciates the fact that when she is sleeping on Kelly she is also sleeping on ten years worth of my nocturnal emissions. That’s kinda special.

So here’s to a safe trip for Dana, and to the many incriminating pictures I will be taking over the weekend.

And now…

Pizza Bill who you have all come to know and love, makes great pizza but…

He makes great meatballs too…

That’s a picture of me, licking Bill’s balls. I love his balls. They are fucking good. I had to let you know just how good Bill’s balls taste.

Schmoop loves Bill’s balls too. In fact she told me yesterday that she could eat Bill’s balls everyday. His balls are really special…and meaty.

So, here’s to Bill’s big, meaty balls. Now, if only he could do something about his Ass Chap.

Lastly kidz…

Schmoop has been going through something difficult, and today it all comes to a head and an end.

If you think about it, send out a prayer or some good vibes today on her behalf. I know she would appreciate it.

There you have it. I hope your weekend goes as dangerously as mine apparently will. Live it up, Bitches.

Cheers!!

St. Patrick's Day Is Drawing Nigh!!

Erin Go Braugh-Less, Bitches!! It’s St. Patrick’s Day Eve…

It’s Tuesday night as I type this, and visions of leprechauns, green beer, and Irish Babes are dancing around in me head.

As I told you earlier today, we are having a Bagwine St. Patty’s Day party over the magical tubes that are the internets on Wednesday.

Yours truly will in Irish spirit, be partying all damn day. And…

You can join me through my blog updates, on my Twitter account, on my Facebook page, and through Yahoo Instant Messaging (neshobadude).

Hell, I even fixed the issue with my mic, so my Skype account (Matt Man) is now functional as well!!

The official start to the drinking festivities will begin right after I call my son before he goes to school.

So, expect the first St. Patrick’s Day update of my debauchery and shenanigans some time between 7:30 and 8:00 on Wednesday morning.

Until then, I shall be dreaming of Irish chicks such as these…




and perhaps, even this one...


And of course, I will dream of copious amounts of green beer…

Until the ’morrow, I bid you a good night’s sleep and dreams as lovely as the forty shades of green in Ireland.

Cheers!!

Springtime Comes To Bagwine

Between a post that Scott did a couple of days ago, and the recent upward spike in the temperature here in Bagwine, Ohio, I have been inspired.

While Spring is still eleven days away, there are definite signs of its impending arrival rearing their vernal head in the greater Bagwine metroplex.

There are furry bud cocoons poking out on the ancient Magnolia tree that grows next to our apartment building which has lost its gutters due to the heavy snow and ice this winter.

When stepping outside and smelling the pre-Spring air, one can catch a whiff of the methamphetamine operations cooking up the first batches of the season…just in time for St. Patrick’s Day.

There’s a spring in the step of every hooker…a smile on the face of every pimp, and the homeless are once again maneuvering along every sidewalk and alley with their shopping carts full of cans and coat pockets full of cigarette butts.

Through the recently opened windows of every dwelling one can hear the lamp throwing and cries of young children associated with every incident of an unwed mother and dead beat father beating the shit out of each other after one too many 40 ounce bottles of Milwaukee’s Best Ice.

Gone too, are the vestiges of this winter’s abnormally high snowfall; the ivory foulard that once covered the ground has since departed…

Now, upon the fertile Bagwine soil, contained in the mud, empty Funyun bags, and a stream of urine collecting next to the dumpster, steeps the promise and smell of warmer days ahead.

Yes my friends…Spring is drawing nigh in Bagwine, Ohio.

The first robin of the season has been shot and eaten. The first bicyclist of the spring has been hit.

The first amusingly off the wall prediction that the Cincinnati Reds will finally have a winning record this year has already been made.

Oy…

But…It’s nice going to work without wearing my weight in clothes. It’s nice getting off of work when there is still a hint of light in the sky, and…

Its nice working with the owner of the Beer Mine, Drive-By Mikey, when the weather is warming.

You see, Ol’ Mikey hates winter, but today as the temp burst into the 50’s under a beautiful blue and sunny sky, Mike burst into song and dance for 13 seconds as he channeled the late James Brown…

In Mikey’s voice and laugh I hear the sound of a crazy man who has lost it the clarion call of Spring. I shall rejoice in it.

Here’s to Spring in Bagwine. May the fertile spirit of her eternal youth blanket us soon.

Cheers!!

The Urban Dictionary: They Know the Matt-Man

Bagwine and Facebook buddy, Irene, gave me a head’s up on this…

Anyone can go to the Urban Dictionary website, type their name in, and it will give the person a definition or definitions for their name.

I must say, the Urban Dictionary was dead on when defining me…Matt.

Take a look...

Matt---

Ancient Greek translation for "eternal sex-god". It is believed that anyone that holds this name has a great level of skill and ability to perform sexual acts for long periods of time. Men possessing this name are also well endowed.

Girl 1: I wish my boyfriend was a matt
Girl 2: Oh you poor thing

An attractive, smooth-talking, charming young man. When you’re with him, he makes you feel like a princess; when you’re not, you know he is making another girl feel the same and not even thinking of you.

Becky: I dont understand, we had so much fun last week! why hasn’t he called?!?'
Jessica: I told you that guy was a matt. you should have listened to me!'

An extremely good looking male, otherwise known as a Sexy Beast. Throughout history, Matts have been known to be an exceptional specimen of the human male. The 'Matt' are often popular due to their social adeptness.

Girl 1: Hey, did you see that new movie 300? It was kick ass.
Girl 2: Of course! It was like a movie of 300 half-naked Matts!

And of course there’s this entry…

Masturbating After Touching Titties.
or
Masturbating After Touching Testicles.

Fundita: Fundo saw Matt at the strip club.
Fundala: Which strip club?
Fundita: I never asked his preference.

Holy Cow!! Could the Urban Dictionary be any more dead on when talking about yours truly? I don’t fucking think so.

Even Schmoop agreed with eveything they wrote...other than the well-endowed part.

That’s all I gots. That’s all there is. There isn’t any more.

Have a wonderful Friday all. I will be preparing for the White Death that is on the doorstep of Bagwine, Ohio.

Oh the humanity!!

Cheers!!

Black History Month: Black Like Matt-Man

February may not be the warmest month of the year but it certainly is action packed.

We just had Groundhog Day. This Sunday is the Super Bowl and the birthday of yours truly. Also this month, we have Valentine’s Day, Mardi Gras, President’s Day, and…

On the 17th, Ash Wednesday kicks off Lent along with my 46 day long Breadless Journey for Jeebus, but there’s another big event going on this month.

It’s Black History Month, and Matt-Man is all over that like ebony on a Sri Lankan wood carving. Boo Yah and Word, Bitches.

My hometown of Bagwine, Ohio is rich and well-represented in the area of black history and culture.

Former World Featherweight boxing champion Davey Moore was a resident. Johnny Lytle, one of the greatest vibe players ever was a Bagwiner, as is current multi-Grammy winning recording artist John Legend.

But…

There’s a guy I grew up with who has made an enormous and lasting impact upon African-American culture and we to this day, remain close friends.

All through junior high and high school, one of my very best friends was a guy named Van Camp Jones, or as I call him, “Beans”.

We were close. I was close with his sister, Edwina as well. Their parents called her, Weenie. All through those glorious times, it was me, and Beans and Weenie.

We were like a tight knit Minstrel Show act, however the only black face I wore was when I was having sex with Weenie. Nothin’ like havin’ some hot weenie on Weenie action, but I digress.

Back to my original point and the significance of Van Camp Jones in black culture.

After High School, Beans got a job working at the local landfill in Bagwine. It was a good job. He inspected what people were bringing in to make sure nothing toxic got through.

It was during his tenure there some 26 years ago, that Beans would spontaneously originate a phrase that to this day remains a staple of the black and urban lexicon.

One Friday evening right before the dump closed for the day, a huge chick pulled up to the entrance. She was driving a big ol’ Electra 225 with the ass end of it straight up and wide open exposing the ton of old furniture and trash that was contained inside.

Beans stopped her at the gate.

The massive woman got out of her car, thunderously waddled over to Beans and said, “Tell me where to go to dump all of this old furniture n’ shit.”

Beans replied, “You ain’t dumpin’ all of that here today, ma’am. We’s gettin’ ready to close.” The corpuscular woman jumped up and down, and screamed…

“Why the hell won’t you take my trash?”

Beans, shouting in order to be heard over the quaking ground said,

“Cuz…there ain’t enough time today. You gots too much junk in your trunk, Bitch!!”

The infuriated woman drove away, but not before the urban phrase, “junk in your trunk” had been born.

To this day, Beans wishes he had known what he had set in motion, for he often thinks how grand his life would be today had he copyrighted that phrase some 26 years ago.

But it’s okay. We're still a two man posse. He even calls me his favorite nigga.

In fact, since I am off today,Beans and I are going to kick-off Black History Month together later this afternoon.

He and I are going to drink some Wild Irish Rose and watch the Tyra Banks Show with the sound turned down as we listen to my collection of Rick James CDs.

As for his sister Edwina? She’s still around too. She opened a restaurant near Bagwine that serves nothing but variations of hot dogs. It’s called, “Just Weenies”.

Yeah, I know.

Here’s to Black History Month, Bitches. Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Cheers!!

A Christmas Carol: BK In Memoriam

Now that Christmas is but 16 days away, I thought it a good time to once again post the story from 2006 of my friend Bagwine Kringle who died trying to brighten the Christmas of others less than fortunate than he.

Please join me, and remember him with me. Thank You...

Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many and his passing will be felt the world around.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves” Tina and Dex, were busy wrapping presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Tina and Dex selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone, because when Tina and Dex returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Dex called the paramedics while Tina tried to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that resembled a poorly made marinara sauce with a stench reminiscent of bandicoot urine.

Although nearing death, he was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is Bowling Ball. She is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary. Oh sure, some women can spread their legs really wide, but Tina can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or Sarge, as BK called him. He was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

I know, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but Kringle was close. Those two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they use to be…or something like that.

I guess when the paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge and Tina.”

I miss you Bagwine Kringle, here's a toast to you....

Cheers!!

Dispatches From the Hospital: Emergency Room Picnic

Eight days ago, Schmoop walked me over to the Emergency Room of the hospital across the street from us in order for me to be treated for my burgeoning pulmonary infection.

I was checked-in at the ER desk and oddly and fortunately enough, I was admitted to an ER bed within 15-20 minutes.

I was placed under the care of an incredibly cute Jennifer Love Hewitt looking nurse, and a Doctor of non-descript name, nebulous ethnicity, and shadowy credentials.

After having blood drawn, an IV inserted, my clothes removed, and a vitals monitor attached to me, by the uber-sweet and lovely RN nurse, I was then given an X-Ray, a Flu swab, some kick ass pain killer, a CT Scan, and two ultra sounds.

During my in and outs of getting these procedures done, a sick guy, accompanied by his wife/old lady/drinking and meth partner (who we’ll call Candy) was placed into the ER cubicle next to mine.

He was in pain and was audibly moaning due to a malt liquor induced flare up of pancreatitis. The dude was hurting.

Anyhoo…After he was placed on the bed and initially looked over by the Doc and the nurse, Candy decided that she was hungry.

She left and shortly came back with a bowl of chili, a sleeve of Saltines, and a Big Slam Mountain Dew.

Through my quasi-coherent, dilaudid induced state, his moaning dissipated, and all that Schmoop or I could hear, was the slurping of chili, the crunch of crackers, and the post-intake belching of Mountain Dew.

Candy, who was not large, was packing her victuals away with rapidity and avarice. And…what is lunch in the ER without an afternoon matinee? She flipped on the TV and began to watch, He’s Just Not That Into You.

She began commenting on the players while her mouth was stuffed with chili and crackers.

Although I couldn’t see them, I could picture the chili colored cracker pieces shooting from her pie hole onto the face of her moaning boyfriend lying helpless on the bed.

The doctor came back to check on the guy, at which time Candy left yet again and returned bearing gastronomical goodies such as a Hershey Bar, some kind of juice, and a bag of Cheetos. The feasting and the movie critiquing continued.

The guy? He continued to lay there uttering his discomfort in much the same way Peter Boyle did when Gene Hackman poured hot soup onto his crotch in the movie, Young Frankenstein.

Funny thing about the sound of the Cheetos…I never heard the bag rumple. I only heard a continuous, unabated crunching noise. It was as if this chick was a saber tooth tiger gnawing on one huge ass Pleistocene period Cheeto!!

She stated, after her secondary feast, that she had to go to the bathroom. He moaned, “whatever”. While she was gone, the guy was administered pain relief and after medical advice was told that he was free to go.

Upon her return, she came bearing more gifts. She said to him…”I brought you some soup, and I got myself on of these dinners.”

He painfully mumbled, “They told me I can leave now.” And Candy responded…

“Well hold on. I’ll eat my dinner real quick. The movie is almost over anyway. We’ll take your soup home.”

Upon hearing this, I looked at Schmoop. She was looking down at the floor and shaking her head in disbelief.

It was at this point that my selflessness once again reared its magnanimous head, for I thought to myself…

I don’t care how much pain and discomfort I may endure over the coming days, it will never rival the pain that Pancreas Boy will be suffering over his coming days. Be he in good health or poor.

Cheers!!

CultureFest: Eat, Drink, and Learn...But Watch Out For Flying Burritos, Brutha

This past Saturday, the Annual CultureFest was held in Bagwine, aka Springfield, Ohio.

It is a day when unique groups of people in our lovely city come together and listen to different types of bands, chow down on ethnic foods, and celebrate the distinct and divergent patches upon the quilt of humanity.

I truly enjoy it, especially the food and drink. This year was no exception. The children were laughing…the bands were playing, people were dancing…and the food vendors were once again top notch.

The Jamaicans were jerking their chickens. The Greeks were putting their special sauce into everyone’s gyro. There were offerings of German metts, Polish pierogies, and Italian calzones.

This year, a favorite local watering hole, Murphy’s Irish Pub set up a booth and were selling their locally renown, Famine Burger.

Yes, the Famine Burger, folks…It’s a hearty sandwich made with boiled potatoes, sheep shit, and anger, served between two pieces of month old Irish Soda Bread. Yum-O’!!

There was a bit of a hiccup in the joy and jocularity of the event, however.

The dim bulb for the city who was in charge of deciding which food vendor set up where, put Loco Pablo’s Taquiera, next to Hot Rod Lincoln’s Down Home BBQ.

In case you were unaware, as the person in charge obviously was, Mexicans and Blacks don’t get along much of the time. They mix together about as well as oil and water, or in this case…Pig Fat and Jheri Curl Moisturizer.

I don’t know who started what or what was said by whom, but violence erupted between the cooks of those two establishments.

Fortunately, the altercation was no more than a glorified food fight. There were tacos, ham hocks, refried beans, and pulled pork flying everywhere.

After this International incident I spoke with my buddy and owner of the BBQ joint, Leon D. Lincoln, or as he’s know around here, LDL Cholester-Hell, and asked him what happened.
He said…

"I don’t fuckin’ know Matt-Man. One second I’m telling’ Hank to sauce the chickens, and then BAM!!

All I know is that gettin’ hit upside da head by an overstuffed burrito hurts like a muthafuckah. I hadn’t been hurt like that since the day my mama smacked me in da nuts with a red hot fireplace poker."

I found LDL’s burrito story surprising. Not so much by the amount of pain that a burrito can inflict, but I just never thought black people had fireplaces. I guess I learned something at the Culture Fest. Anyhoo…

After the ruckus, um…deruckified…There was a commotion over at the Albanian food tent. Seems those Aegean assholes were cooking up their Rakia Brandy when their 55 gallon drum of propylene glycol fell over and spilled.

Quickly, the Springfield PD and County Haz-Mat professionals responded and sealed off the vaporous contamination by putting up impervious, yellow caution tape.

People being the curious lot that they are, tried to get through the plastic barrier, but that is when our beloved Mayor, Mayor Copeland stepped in.

Mayor Copeland…or as I call him, Dr. Zaius...While donning his I Heart Springfield T-Shirt, held up his hand and with his bellowing voice and simian features, repelled the interlopers by proclaiming…

"You mustn’t go into the Forbidden Zone!!"

The crowd obeyed, went back to drinking, and a Polka band broke into a rousing rendition of The Pennsylvania Polka.

And that’s the way it was at this year’s CultureFest…I can hardly wait until next year.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Hola...You Want Pork Chops Wif Your Taco?

It's a cooler and pleasant Sabbath here in Bagwine, Ohio.

I, of course, will be working 11-7 today and then will be going to see Ryno after my shift at the Beer Mine.

The painting of the Bagwine digs is not complete, but it's close. We put 3.5 6 good hours in on the job yesterday.

We're a little behind, but no fears. The carpet is not coming until Wednesday so we're cool and looking good.

Much like the look of the apartment is changing, when I went to get beer yesterday, I saw some changes taking place at the Beer Mine.

On the north side of the Drive-Thru are our friends from south of the border...


The Drive-Thru is now home to the finest Mexican food in the Greater Bagwine region. The burritos are HUGE and they taste Mooey Yum-Oh.

That's Jesus manning the kitchen. See how he gladly posed for my picture? I've always told you that I was incredibly close with our Lord and Savior.

But wait just a minute...I smell something other than the aroma of a taco de la pollo...Holy Cow!! The smell that I smell is pig cooking!!

Sweet Jesus (The Lord, not the Taco guy) the Beer Mine is offering up BBQ'd pork and chicken in addition to Mexican cuisine.

We've gone international, Bitches!! Pork Chop Sandwich, anyone?

But strap yourselves in and hold on for dear life, you chuckleheads. In addition to the new dining choices, The Beer Mine has a new employee as well...

Ladies and Gentlemen...I give you, Dan.

Dan will be filling in for Pizza Bill, Little Bill, and/or myself whenever the need should arise.

He seems to be an affable guy who has long hair, and is in dire need of some sex. So ladies, email me and I'll hook ya up.

So there you have it. MEXICANS, AFRICAN-Americans, and a hard rockin' WHITE guy...

The Beer Mine is not just a hotbed of cultural diversity, it is the United Fucking Nations meets Bagwine, Ohio.

Amen, and Amen...

While I am working today, I am going to brush up on my Spanish and and my Jive.

Enjoy your Sunday all.

Cheers, and Adios Muthafuckahs!!

Dispatches From My Ass: Boobs and Randomness

Hi all. Schmoop here...

See that picture? It is currently, prominently displayed on top of a potato chip rack for all the customers to see.

Ha!! My rack on a chip rack. That rack is packed and stacked!!

As some of you may know, I’ve been pimped out by my local, alcohol drive thru establishment.

I am getting many looks, but so far no profit. WTF? This is for charity!!

Ok the charity is the owner, Drive-By Mikey, but hey, I’m sure I teased him enough thru school to warrant this money? Huh? Throw a bitch a bone!

What do I have to do to get some fucking money from these Drive-Thru degenerates?

Get some alcohol, some smokes, tip your attendant, and put some cash toward my boobs. Geez, it isn’t that hard.

Drive-By Mikey did try to get me to put money in the jar today. For my own effin picture! I had no say so in this, why should I pony up money??

So everyone come to Bagwine, and give to this wonderful charity. I would be most grateful. Not that grateful, you sickos! I didn’t mean you Jay!! Wear the Viking helmet!! Wink, wink!

Anyhoo, I am now off four days in a row, and the Matt Man is off for THREE, count them THREE days in a row. Oh dear Lord help me!

Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen. Or something like that. I am NOT a sinner! I’m just portrayed that way! Just ask my Ma! Of course she still thinks I’m seven.

I guess this turned into a Stream of Consciousness Thursday kind of thing. So sorry.

I’m thinking about getting my hair cut this week, back to the short cut. What do you think of that?

Can’t show you the longer version, as I can’t operate the camera, but let’s just say…Trying to let it grow out is pissing me off!

One last thing…That picture of Matt-Man in my nightie that he used yesterday is hideous, is it not?

I look much hotter in that red, short nightie than Matt Man ever dreamed he could be.

He’s always trying to out do me in the adorable department! No can do M-Man, I AM the cutest!!

And, just as with trying to show you all my longer hair, if I could operate that fucking camera, I’d show you how hot I look in that nightie.

Maybe I’ll get Matt-Man to take some pictures of me in it while we’re off together the next three days.

It’s the least he can do in exchange for getting Drive-By Mikey to post my boobs at the Drive-Thru…

Not to mention in exchange for pawing me and sucking me up my oxygen for 72 straight hours.

Aaaaaaugh!! Motherfucker!! The damn camera flash just went off two inches from my face!!

I am blind. Blind I say…Hey, what’s for dinner?

Zoves,
Schmoop

Spring Has Sprung, And So Has The Cleavage

Spring has finally sprung in Bagwine, Ohio.

Friday, the temp hit 80 and it’s going to be in the low 80’s all weekend long. Boo Yah and fire up that grill, bitches!!

Ahhhhhh I so love warmth and sun.

I get to wear my favorite sleeveless shirts. Shorts. The beer tastes better and the sound of brats sizzling over the charcoals gives me wood o’ plenty.

A taste of summertime in Bagwine and the livin’ is easy my friends.

Even working last night was fun. All who came through the beer mine were in a good mood.

And as I stood next to the cars while the lovelies sitting in the driver’s seat made their requests, I saw plenty of this…


And this...

And more of this...

Oh yeah, when the temperature goes up, the clothes come off. And I like that…a lot.

I’m going to enjoy this bright, beautiful Saturday in Bagwine, but first…

There is something that I need to do that may be a bit harmful to my body and my ego.

I am playing a little one-on-one basketball with Ryno this morning. Normally that’s no big deal, however…

Due to Winter and the up until now dismal Spring, the weather has prevented us from playing. The last time we played, Ryno was 5’7 and weighed a mere 127 lbs.

While the boy has roundball skillz out the butt, the 5 inch and 60 lb. advantage I had, always carried me to victory over the young upstart.

This morning? I will be going up against the same dead eye shooter and Pete Maravich-like ball handler who is now 5’9 and 145 lbs.

I now only have 3 inches and 35 pounds on the boy.

Yes folks…While I remain hopeful of victory, this could be the day that the little man finally takes his dad down.

I just hope that I walk away without too many sprains, bruises, and pulled muscles.

Hell, I just hope that I will be able to walk away without assistance.

Enjoy your Saturday folks…The beer, brats and Ben-Gay are on me.

Cheers!!

Happy St. Patrick's Day From Bagwine, O'hio!!

The Irish Eyes are Smiling down upon Bagwine, Ohio today.

First of all, while typically, we are lucky to enjoy overcast skies and a high temp of 50 degrees on St. Paddy’s Day at best, it’s gonna be Sunny and 70 today.

Secondly, and maybe more importantly...

We found out yesterday that on Thursday July 16th, former front man of Men at Work, Colin Hay, will be performing at the Bagwine Summer Arts Festival.

I saw Men at Work along with INXS in concert in 1982. Twenty-Seven years later, I still dig Colin Hay…great voice, freaky eye, and all.

I have to work tonight, so no Hibernian-esque celebration for me. Which, being a man with the last name of Mahoney, is a bit hard to take, but…

Perhaps, when I come home tonight, Schmoop, who hails in part from the Callahan Clan, will allow me some celebratory time with her.

Maybe she will permit me to bend her over, and work my Sheleighly in, as my Blarney Stones go, “Smack, Smack, Smack” against her Irish Lass Ass.

One can hope…And that my friends, would be my pot o’ gold.

Anyhoo…The times are a hoppin’ in Bagwine, O’hio today. There are a couple of Irish Pubs in town that will be O’ Rockin’.

One is called Murphy’s, and the other?

O’Connor’s.

And that lads and lasses, is where my brother Marte’ and his band will be playing tonight. They’re pretty damn O’ Good.

Although there is one problem. You know what they call themselves? The Dreamboats…

That’s my brother on the left side of the picture. Good band, bad name.

My only solace about the name is that I know that when they came up with it, they were drunk and laughing maniacally.

So, to Marty-Boy and his mates…Break an O’ Leg tonight, O’ Bitches!!

With music on the mind, let’s us end our St. Paddy's Day post with a song. How about a video of me singing, “Lily the Pink”?

O’ why the Hell not. Enjoy…

And now, here's a 39 second outtake of the same video, because a Telemarketer decided to call...

Have a fun and safe St. Patrick’s Day, all.

Cheers and Slainte!!

Ice, Ice Baby

We received several inches of snow and quite a bit of ice over the last 36 hours, here in Bagwine, Ohio.

Schools were closed yesterday and are once again closed today. It's been chaos in the Greater Bagwine metroplex. Chaos I tellz ya!!

But...

It's also kinda pretty outside. So I shall share with you some images and a very brief vlog of the Great Bagwine Winter Storm of 'Aught Nine.

Take it away, Skippy!!

The Bagwine Mobile....

The ice on the door cracked when I tried to pull it open...Kinda cool looking.

And there you have it. While I mananged to clean the Bagwine Mobile off, it's still stuck.

I have to go work on getting her moving this morning because our alcohol and tobacco supply is running dangerously low.

Have a Thursday, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Update (2:11 P.M.): Holy Cow...I did get beer and smokes but, oh my God...Schmoop has started. Where'the justice? Okay, maybe that is justice. But, I don't like it.